This is a follow up to my previous post about the gigantic nuclear meltdown my wife had at new years.
After that, my prediction was things would get better, and two weeks after there would be a secondary explosion. Things were a bit tense at home, but I kept frame, focusing on my things and my needs, and eventually she started warming up again to me. I felt reassured I was doing the right thing not ass kissing or walking on eggshells around her, that is her frame. And I even made plans for a nice dinner to reward when she started behaving, and we had a great time together, she was very happy and loving during it.
Things good as predicted, yet I knew not to get overconfident, because there would be a smaller explosion just about now.Under the assumption of she having traits of highly functional BPD, I started to really see how predictable these are. Big changes trigger a big explosion, and then she has some secondaries during her PMS, just testing a different aspect of my frame. This helped me prepare for it.
This time it happened in couples therapy (CT). I had agreed to a certain number of sessions in CT before I found TRP. Frankly, looking back, i realize it has little value, except that at least it gives her a place to explode in a controlled manner in a setting where it is easier for me to keep frame. But it is mostly a waste of time and money. In CT, she said she was tired of me, she was unhappy, citing the same grievances of her Nuclear Explosion, and she didn't want to be close to me. Nothing new. She got several times to the edge and said we should separate, only to step back quickly to say she felt confused emotionally. I kept cool and frame, just listening, providing validation at times. At this time of the month she needs comfort, I told myself. Even though it is hard to keep frame, this was so predictable, that I just kept reminding myself of the plan, and I kept frame. I wasn't defensive, nor I acted scared of her separation threats.
Her grievances are the same old ones: (imaginary) abandonment fears and she revisiting my beta victim pukes from almost year ago. More recently, as I found TRP, I made the same errors many do here when transitioning: I lost frame often when she was bossy, and I would snap back at her. I had apologized for that. I now have it under control as I have internalized more of TRP. But essentially, all she said is just her resentment for all my old beta stuff. Nothing new or more concrete.
Gentlemen, this is the resentment of women when you are beta. And I was the worse beta. They push you and push you and push you, treating you like shit, hoping you man up. And as you try to, you have growing pains and you will fuck up, and they despise you even more for that. Even after you become stronger and find your frame, and they respond to it, they still remember the old things, and fear you will revert to them, and they still hate you for them, and the only way for them to understand you have changed is to test and test and test.
I made a reality check. I know things had been good the past week: she was discussing our anniversary plans (in a few weeks), and also even mentioning possible summer vacation destinations. I've learned to listen to her actions more than her words, and this helped me maintain frame.
I admit I feel tired emotionally from all this, but I know I must keep frame and stay strong. If I show weakness, I lose. If I give in boundaries, I lose. I'm not going back to the old beta ways, that wasn't working. I'm going to keep doing my things (gym, work, son, taking the family out for dinner, being available, but never being needy). Right now she is very distant but also she is resentful I don't provide comfort. I'm sure you all know these contradictory demands during PMS, except in this case, as a secondary explosion, they are very pronounced. My plan is just to stick to my plan, nothing she said changes it. I will keep frame, ignore the threats, and just provide some comfort during her PMS if she asks for it nicely, but never kiss ass, and keep working on my own SMV.
I do welcome concrete advice, as although this shit is incredibly predictable, it is still draining.