[I wrote this as a response to this post in OYS, but thought maybe this could be useful for more than just one person.]
Everyone knows people who snap and go into a blind rage don't actual garner any respect. But that doesn't mean that when you're getting completely blown over, you shouldn't react at all.
This is controlled anger comes into play. Being in control of your anger and your emotions is actually a pretty scary thing. It's the "holy shit. he/she's pissed and knows exactly why."
The best examples of controlled anger I can easily pull from are from movies.
Michael Corleone after being the victim of a failed assassination attempt.
Compare that with when he finds out Kay had an abortion - uncontrolled anger.
My all-time favorite example is O-ren-ishi from Kill Bill.
I read these posts about women pushing a guy's limits until the guy finally snaps and find myself asking "Why? Why do these guys let it get that far? How can they possibly tolerate so much bullshit?" Because when that snap happens, you're no longer in control of yourself, you're no longer in control of the situation, and you've just managed to make yourself look bad.
What it usually sounds like is that the woman provokes a little, and then a bit more, and then ups it a little bit more, and all of sudden she's pushing 8 or 9 of the buttons because she's the wife and she knows exactly how to do it.
So how do you use this information to your advantage?
Suppose she's on purpose picking a fight or getting on your nerve (if you don't know how to recognize this - start). Say she's at a 3 or so. Maybe you ask the question "Are you trying to piss me off? Are you trying to get me angry?" And maybe she says no but continues.
"Sure seems like you're trying to piss me off. I can show you angry if that's what you're going for." Ramp it up to a 6 or something. "You want me pissed off? Here I am! Ya happy now?" Maybe ramp up more if she persists. It should be enough to make her think twice about if she really wants to proceed.
And if she still wants to get into a big fight, get out because you should be in control of your emotions and you should be able to see that shit storm coming. "Okay. Since you really want to do this, you're going to have to do this alone."
Quick escalate. Quick descalate.
Don't ever get into a situation where you aren't in control of yourself and might jeopardize your own well being. Don't start fights you aren't willing to finish.
What you're going for is the stark contrast between the calm guy who's willing to tolerate her b.s. at some level and the guy who's willing to lose his shit to win and forcing her to choose which one she'd rather deal with.
Note - this won't work if she doesn't give a fuck about you or the relationship. In which case, bail sooner rather than later because you're being a sucker.
I have done this exactly once.