The shit → comfort test conversions

September 8, 2016

Preamble: I am only a month into my MRP journey, but want to share an early finding I haven't seen mentioned in the extensive reading I've done of the prerequisite books, sidebar material, or archives of /r/marriedredpill and /r/askmrp: the shit to comfort test conversion.

The pattern: What starts out as a shit test can very easily convert to a comfort test, and if you don't notice the shift and shift your response appropriately, you can outright fail at worst or extend the interaction needlessly at best. In fact, isolated comfort tests from my wife are rare—they are almost always conversions from a well handled shit test. It's only until recently that I've noticed that pattern and been able to respond appropriately.

An example:

"Where were you?" she asked as I burst through the front door a sweaty mess after an afternoon run during a heat advisory.

My condition required no response.

Her voice is sour, her brow wrinkled. "You didn't tell me you were going for a run. I would have gone with you."

My fog defuses her immediately. "You're right, I didn't," I said with a grin. "I like being mysterious."

"I feel like we never spend any time together anymore [right now!]," she protests—but her mood has clearly softened. She's no longer sour, but brooding. This shift is key. If I continue to respond as if it's a shit test, I fail. Obviously we do spend time together. We spend a shitload of fucking time together. But facts don't matter right now. The pre-MRP me would have DEER'd the shit out of that situation, providing rational facts, getting heated. Even post-MRP, I haven't recognized the shift from shit to comfort and continued to A&A or fog which may better than DEER, but not as effective as a proper response to the comfort test:

"Aww, did you have to go with out me for a whole half hour?" I responded with a sweaty bear hug from behind and kiss on the neck. "Don't worry, I'm back now."

End of test, period. Everything is positive.

Her test shift from accusing me of doing something (shit) to how she feels about the situation (comfort). Her body loosened and opened up. Her voice changed dramatically, and her face softened. Her accusations shifted from you to I feel. Watch for these things and be able to shift appropriately.

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Post Information
Title The shit → comfort test conversions
Author 2ndal
Upvotes 13
Comments 14
Date September 8, 2016 7:43 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit /r/MarriedRedPill
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