What is a covert contract?

Covert contracts are exactly as they sound. You are trying to hide your own wants and hoping that someone is going to fulfill those wants. As a man who has been conditioned blue pill his entire life you are doing these things even today. You believe that bringing home that paycheck, being nice to everyone, and often denying your own needs so that others can be happy is rewarding for them. All this makes you think you are entitled to being treated the same way in return.

Straight from NMMNG: "Nice Guys utilize covert contracts. These unconscious, unspoken agreements are the primary way that Nice Guys interact with the world around them." The question that has often puzzled me is why covert contracts are implicitly wrong. Glover makes some very good cases in his Caring vs. Caretaking. The thing he alluded to, perhaps unintentionally is your frame. We as men and resource providers ought to be able to give the people we love the things we think they want. Whether it is of material or metaphysical does not matter.

The problem then derives from the internal frame in which you are creating these interactions and the balance sheet kept in the relationship. Think back to the victim triangle of Racquel. Shane would buy gifts, put her pussy on a pedestal, and in constant communication with her. Shane did all these things for her because he thought he could buy her love. The problem was inversely proportional to her expected returns. The more Shane gave, the more Racquel couldn't repay. TRP let's know the reason for this indebtedness of her beta provider. NMMNG explains that the only way for Racquel to cope was to push Shane away. NMMNG is wrong when it comes to the reasons of the victim triangle in our sexual strategy. Shane was practically Omega and it disgusted Racquel. Shane was living in Racquel's frame.

Example covert contract

When we buy others gifts this year, arrange events, and over spend like an American. Typically, a man is thinking since I did all this for my family and friends, now they will give me the things I want. There is a story from a used to be close friend of mine. Last year he bought his wife some expensive jewelry for christmas and some new clothes. Always bad ideas for gifts to a woman. We went to probably 15 stores that day in search of the perfect items. He ended up settling on a Michele because it had diamonds. The short story of it, she hated the watch and HE wouldn't return it. This watch now sits in a drawer in jewelry cabinet, never gracing her wrist. Needless to say he missed something. He forgot to be "Truly Selfish" and that was his fault. The truly selfish man knows to give judiciously by giving people what they really need. The incident is not what caused us to stop spending so much time together after that. The constant bitching and complaining for the next two months just leeched my energy.

Do you know a man like this in your life? A man who way overspends and is upset when no one returned the same?

Recognizing a Covert Contract

The example from the book is simple. "I will do this thing you so that You will do that thing for me and neither of will know about the agreement". Here are some example signs you are engaging in a covert contract.

Are the gifts you bought something that you would have liked to receive?

Instead: Ask them what they want.

Are you buying gifts some someone that you would not buy for yourself?

Instead: Buy yourself something nice.

Do you think buying your wife that jewelry will make her want to have sex or be nice to you?

Instead: Lol, are you still doing this?

Do you buys gifts for people at work who do not give you gifts? (Bosses excluded)

Instead: Stop buying gifts for value leechers.

Is your family dinner out an excuse to try to make everyone spend time together?

Instead: Plan a dinner that you want to have fun at.

Action Plan:

This year take a moment and give your family the best christmas they ever had. Do the Breaking Free Activity #14 this year. This year when you do it. Make sure you are doing it from an abundance with no strings attached. Buy them gifts they truly need and want. Arrange events in their entirety by yourself for your own pleasure and things you want to do with your family. When your family communicates what they want for activities, make sure you listen.