It's been two years, almost to the day, since I first joined this magical place we call Married Redpill. I came in a skinny-fat, plugged-in guy, sort of a pussy and without much of an idea of what I wanted out of life, doing things like asking men here if I was being OI enough after another sexual rejection in my first ever post. I wasn't even at Dread Level Zero (don't be a pussy). I knew just enough to know things weren't right with my marriage and I wasn't happy with certain aspects. Are they perfect now? Absolutely not, but I'm still working my MAP, still tweaking my strategy and weighing the pros/cons of how far to go up those 12 levels of dread to fully center my mental point of origin. Are things better? Yes, they are greatly improved. I found this place like many others... fucking Googling some sorry-ass shit to the effect of, "why does my wife never want to have sex?" one night after my wife and I had yet another fight about sex and after she told me that she, "Just never gets horny, I don't know..." Ouch... that one hurt and was really the catalyst that made me want to find an answer to why... then to fix it, or get out. Little did I understand at the time these were just her words and I should mostly be paying attention to her actions (which at the time, were saying the same thing). It was my "Neo moment." Remember, men have to actually want to be unplugged. At first, I didn't realize that it wasn't just my marriage. I was also unsatisfied with myself. I didn't even realize I wasn't happy with myself. That took some extra introspection to come to the surface.
Where I've gone
Fast forward two years and things are different. I’m bigger (more muscular), stronger, assertive and happier. I continue to make small course corrections and adjustments for myself and to my strategy. Sex frequency and quality is improved but still not fully where I'd like. But I'm not done tweaking my strategy either and I know my wife... she's stubborn and slow to respond to environmental changes and if I’m being honest, has tendencies that make me think she has some self esteem and anxiety problems (Practical Guide to Female Psychology). I will help her to the degree I can by being the Oak, but to a large degree realize these devils are hers to conquer. I still make mistakes.
Did my wife turn into a full on nympho? Nope, not yet, but I've opened doors in that department that were not open before. I also have accepted that she may not have “full on nympho” inside her, but progress with sex is still being made. A few weeks ago while we were fucking she actually grabbed my wrist and put my hand up around her neck area. She's still not a full-fledged refined sex kitten, but that only makes me look inward and ask what I could be doing better to bring that out. Like lifting, your gains in your MRP strategy will slow the longer you’re here. My one year post
I've had a few incomplete drafts of post ideas kicking around on my Evernote app for a while. I figured now would be a good time to share that mishmash of notes I have. Men sharing notes on sexual strategy and mission and yes, maybe a little self masturb.... I mean improvement.
These are mainly summaries of these key ideas and actions I've taken that were important to my plan. Maybe it's important to you, maybe not. These are just my notes on my own experiences and strategy. You can discount, adopt, tweak, mock... doesn’t matter to me. Every man here has a different road.
You can't optimize your strategy without stirring the pot
Don't just read the sidebar, stand up for yourself a little more and expect your life to turn around, and more specifically, your wife to start fucking you with abandon. It doesn't work that way. If you're here, chances are your life is in need of some fundamental, base-level changes. Call it self improvement (sorry, Stone), call it SMV growth, call it whatever. Mostly this is basic "adulting" and being a successful human. This shouldn't even really have to be taught here but it is. After all we have a whole “sphere” to teach men how to be men which shouldn’t be necessary but is. Dread Level Zero is "Don't be a Pussy." Have you stopped being a pussy? Good. In addition to that, a fundamental, ground-level re-thinking of your sexual strategy at large is probably in order, but that can't happen until you're a functioning, competent, assertive man. Remember, MRP is Redpill on hard mode, we need sexual strategy even more than the single guy. Stir the pot. This means changing behaviors, expectations (your own) and goals;
Change how you prioritize your time. Be a little more selfish and start setting goals YOU want and enjoy activities YOU like. Do them by yourself or do them with your family when it makes sense, but DOthem.
Change how you view your needs and desires Don't be afraid to make them known. Don't be shamed for these needs, especially sexual needs.
Change how readily you give up your time and attention, not only to your wife but to anyone in your life.
The first couple times I went out on my own at night after being turned down I got texts wondering what I was doing, little meme's telling me she loves me (even though she couldn't be bothered to put down her smart phone and fuck me 10 minutes earlier) and stuff like that. I'd go practice with the band, go for a walk, hit a local bar to watch open mic night, go to café to read or go for a run or bike ride if it's still light out. I'd NEVER ask. I'd just do. Slowly it just became my normal operating mode and she became less inquisitive of my activity. Don't ever suggest with your demeanor or words that your wife has any say in how you choose to spend your time (Remember Dread level Zero?). Take care of your home duties and childcare, be an adult, but beyond that, you answer only to you.
The other way you should eventually be stirring the pot is refusing shit sexual effort. I've aborted everywhere from my initiation to actually being balls deep inside. If I'm not getting a satisfactory level of investment from her, I'm out (literally). The first few times I did this she went absolutely hysterical on me. It was a great test in frame. One time it resulted in one of the most passionate "angry sex" sessions we've had as I discovered she was actually DTF that night but for whatever reason thought she didn't have to put in any effort. I crushed that belief by taking my hard-on and walking away. You have to start showing through actions, and occasionally verbally, that you do have standards and you aren't the type of man who will tolerate low effort in the bedroom, or anywhere else for that matter. Not every session is going to be porn-star level, but she should at least be showing a reasonable level of good old fashion passion. Me? I don't need sex-swings, anal, ball-gags and gimp suits to enjoy sex. That's just me. You do you.
If she’s not competing for your time you’re not MRPing right.
This is an idea I stole from /u/GargantuaBlarg29 and want to explore, mostly because it's one thing I'm probably still not doing well enough (as I said, I'm still making course corrections two years in). How available are you making yourself to your wife, or again, anyone in your life? It's ok to be available emotionally and physically, but make sure you aren't giving it away for free and FFS don't smother her with your presence. This does not mean 24/7 or every night of the week you are out "hobbying," hanging with the boys or learning Falconry and how to be a ninja. The balance of “keeping busy and pursuing your mission” is different for every man. HOW you choose to make yourself your mental point of origin is also different for every man. Find that appropriate balance. It takes time. Just a few weeks ago I was telling someone about my day practicing with my band and then going to see a movie with friends. They said, “well, sounds like a day all about you.” I smiled, laughed a little and said, “you bet.”
Being a Good Captain
This is a big one. And it's a concept that gets misinterpreted a lot and has received a lot of attention and debate lately. We could of course delve into what makes a good leader/Captain and why. I'm not looking to do that here, I'm just looking to share my frame of leadership and how I view it. I've found that these two ideas to be key;
- Follow your passion, your goals and your interests first. Period. Everything else, including your marriage will follow in the wake you create in that effort to live life for you. Everything... your wife, your kids, your friends, your employees, your dog, etc.
The second thing is more in the weeds but some guys need to hear it...
- Know the difference between Strategic vs tactical leadership. I think I stole this from SorcererKing or one of the other original gangsters here but can’t find the post now. The captain of a family should be focused on the strategic issues. I like to think of this in terms of striving to take care of the larger strategic things (finances, house repairs, automotive issues, big vacations, the long-term vision for our family, etc) while she handles the smaller, tactical jobs (getting kids to school, laundry, making dinner, etc). The stress I take off of her by handling the large, strategic issues far outweighs the minuscule benefit, in her eyes, of me cleaning the bathroom. Now, be capable of cleaning, doing dishes or making dinner when necessary but don't lose focus of the larger issues. Be capable of doing ALL of that shit on your own, and make sure she knows you are capable of basic adulting. Make the big decisions. Is your wife babying you? Then you aren't doing this even close to correctly.
A good leader does not get bogged down in minutiae or in micro-managing his First Officer. He has faith in his FO because he's set a good example, has his focus on the long-term, big issues and she has followed his lead. In my case, my wife is already a pretty fiscally and logistically responsible woman but she even overtly communicated to me after I took over the budget that she feels more relaxed if I'm handling the finances from a macro-level. Don’t forget to reinforce and appreciate your wife when she is being a good FO. Me leading and removing the emotional burdens of the "big scary things" allows her to do her part even better. We aren't equal, but complimentary.
”Riding with the Devil” - You can never relax and are never "done."
"So that's all well and good JDRoedell, but where are you with your mission now? Are you happy? Is your dick getting sucked daily?"
Well, much like the fate of the main character at the conclusion of the film "Ride With the Devil," Jake Roedell, (and inspiration for my handle), my mission goes on. Young Jake started out timid, moldable, angry and without much frame. By the end of the film he is battle-hardened, independent and has a mission (get out of Missouri without the Federal troops capturing and surely hanging him). How's that for a specific, action-driving mission statement? This is a highly underrated movie for anyone into historical films, by the way. The movie revolves around the guerrilla warfare happening on the Missouri-Kansas border during the civil war. One of the things I love about this film is it doesn’t have the classic, “good guy defeats bad guy” ending. It essentially ends with a lot of questions and the protagonist’s future being uncertain, just like real life and like MRP. By the end, Jake is by no means a complete man, nor is he without further challenges facing him. It's a good analogy for even some of the more veteran MRP men here.
My point is, this process is never "done." Even if you reach a point where you make the decision that your wife is an impediment, not a compliment, to making yourself your mental point of origin, you still can't let off the gas. Even after a decision like divorce, you are not technically at any kind of real or imagined finish line. /u/FireTempered helped me come to this thought process recently. You are always adjusting, tweaking and finding new ways to pursue your goals and mission. Those devils are always with you.
MeRP on, men.