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Validation needs that can poison your sex life

December 31, 2018
175 upvotes

The Red Pill has made us all very aware of the basic Beta Bux covert contract of provisioning for sexual access to his wife. Swallowing the red pill means giving up this covert contract. There are other, less apparent validation needs and covert contracts common to many new men here that will also poison your sexual relationship with your wife, which you must also recognize and remove before you can have the great sex that you (and your wife) desire.

Attraction validation

Many a husband takes every word, action, or denial regarding sex by one woman (his wife) as a profound affirmation or rejection of his attractiveness, or even his fundamental worth as a man. For some, this may be confounded with unresolved self-esteem issues as nerds or "losers" from their formative teenage years, conflating their value and status as a person with their sexual success.

Many people pointed out that I had my wife on a pedestal, but it was more than that - I'd built my entire self-identity around being "the nerd that made good and got the dream girl." I felt like I'd won at life...and having that ripped away was a direct attack on my self-image. Which is why you shouldn't build your self-image on a foundation of validation from others. Lesson learned.

This is all wrapped up in validation as well, because I don't FEEL attractive because she doesn't ACT like I think she would act if she felt I was attractive, so I give in order to get that reaction. No reaction, no validation, hurt feelings, etc. Best to stay in the comfort zone in order to avoid that.

These men often orbit their wives seeking sex more for affirmation of their self-worth than from authentic desire. This is toxic to their sexual relationship for several reasons:

  • Their neediness for validation and lack of self-confidence is unattractive.

  • Their wives sense the lack of authentic desire to be responsive to, and lose their own validation and motivation for sex.

  • The need of the husband for signs of attraction and desire from his wife makes sex tiresome emotional labor for her, in which she has to regulate or fake her emotions and response to validate him. This makes sex unappealing, inauthentic, effortful, and emotionally risky for her should her act fail to provide the validation comfort he seeks.

  • Both husband and wife are incentivized to stick to an unchanging, comfortable sexual script: he to be assured of getting the validation he needs, and she to avoid the danger of misreading a new situation and failing at her emotional labor of providing the signs he needs to feel attractive.

These issues make sex unappealing and unrewarding for the wife, so she avoids or rejects sex with her needy husband as much as possible, and strongly resists any change to their standard sexual script.

Even if she agrees to sex and performs well all desired acts, he may be unhappy if he didn't perceive her to be sufficiently attracted. Many such husbands want their wife to initiate sex as further validation.

Diagnostic: If your perception and enjoyment of a sexual encounter depends on what you imagine your wife is thinking, you have a validation problem. Stay out of your wife's head!

Good or giving lover validation

Validating their prowess or performance as a lover, or as a generous lover who takes care of his wife's "needs," is important to the self-image of many men. For example, giving his wife an orgasm often becomes a symbolic metric validating the husband's performance, so he insists on making her cum every time even when she would prefer not to. This leads to bad sex for her and makes sex an emotional labor in which she feels pressured either to fake an orgasm, or tolerate and perform a sexual act she doesn't desire then. It also objectifies the wife as a female orgasming machine that the husband "plays" like a video game to induce orgasm and thereby win his validation, making their sex impersonal rather than intimate.

Paradoxically, the more the wife cums, the worse the sex may be for her.

By all means bring your wife to orgasm if she wants one or more, but don't force it on her, or pressure or shame her about her sexuality just to meet your own unhealthy need for validation.

Special sex act / submission validation

It's quite common for an insecure beta to seek validation through the performance of specific sex acts, where the symbolic validation matters more to him than the physical sensation or the quality of the overall sexual encounter.

  • "If she really loved me she'd allow me anal sex."

  • "I'd be OK without anal if she had refused all previous boyfriends, but she let her boyfriend Chad fuck her ass, so as her husband I should get it, too."

Obsession with being validated by her submission to a specific sex act can hold the entire sexual relationship hostage to its performance, ensures resentment on at least one side, and at best deadlocks the sexual relationship into its current poor state while they struggle over that one issue.

This case often arises when the existing sexual pattern is locked into a narrow range due to the various issues discussed here, or by the man's limited range of sexual expression within his sexual comfort zone, so the desired act assumes outsize importance as the only safe way he can see to add novelty or variety to move the sexual relationship forward. In my own experience, as I've developed a richer palette of Emotion and Variety to play with, I care less and less about any specific sexual act; there's always other interesting new things to try.

Respectful good guy validation / Nice Guy covert contract

Mainstream society promotes the ideal that men be polite, respectful, and chivalrous with women, and that courteous men avoid open discussion of personal sexual matters and desires. (Nice Guys create covert contracts that such behavior should itself entitle them to sexual relationships with women, or their wives.) Many of us, including myself before MRP, have unthinkingly carried these polite social conventions over into our LTRs, and paradoxically have frank, intimate discussions with our wives about everything except sex, which should be the most intimate of all.

These public conventions of politeness and respect made me avoid dirty talk, frank sexual discussion, and uninhibited expression of Emotion as in SGM with my wife, until reading NMMNG pointed out the complete incongruity with all other aspects of my life and marital relationship. Now we speak openly about sex, and I talk with Emotion during sex with my wife.

Egalitarian validation / Reciprocity covert contract

Some guys build their self-image as a good person on being scrupulously fair and egalitarian. Many are also Nice Guys who build covert contracts expecting complete sexual reciprocity and symmetry from their wives

  • "I never deny her sex, so it's not fair that she rejects me."

  • "I give her oral, so she should give me blowjobs."

  • "Each of us should initiate half of the time."

and then resent their wives for not fulfilling these hidden expectations.

I still, even after so long, find my wife's attitude towards sex difficult. Even now, when we're having more sex than I ever really thought possible, it's always me focusing on her. She never goes down on me, doesn't focus on my pleasure outside of PIV, etc.

As with Good and Giving Lover validators, these Egalitarian validation-seekers may impose bad sex and emotional labor on their wives in the name of strict fairness and reciprocity in order to validate their self-perception as fair, egalitarian partners. The Reciprocal Covert Contractors will experience the usual disappointment, resentment, anger, and butthurt as their wives resist or reject bad sex.

Hypocrisy is common here, as the "fair" Nice Guy generally only "gives" in ways that he sexually enjoys, and then expects a second reward for his "sacrifice".


Intimacy

I'm not sure what sex without any need for external validation even looks like. At that point, is anything that produces a similar physical experience equivalent? Is having sex with a robot the same as having sex with your wife, or having sex with a stranger, provided they produce similar physical feelings?

The great advantage of LTR sex over a ONS or STR is its potential for intimacy; sex with the deep emotional and physical interplay based on profound knowledge of and raw, unfiltered interaction between each others' bodies, minds, and emotions. Validation-seeking and covert contracts prevent intimacy because they are self-focused rather than focused on open, uninhibited interplay with the other person; they make sex transactional and constrained within limiting boundaries. Great sex requires eliminating all covert contracts, and all need for validation and ego support, to create the conditions in which intimacy can emerge.


Diagnostic scenario

The following scenario may help you identify hidden needs for validation or covert contracts that are limiting your sex life:

You come to bed after a long day, shortly after your wife. You find yourself incredibly horny, so you initiate sex. Your wife says "Honey, I had a long and difficult day, and I'm totally exhausted. I don't want an orgasm, I'm not up for giving you a blowjob or handjob or riding you or even moving ... but I would enjoy just lying here passively and letting you take your pleasure with my body."

Could you embrace her offer, or would you refuse because

  • "receptive starfish" sex doesn't validate you? [Attraction validation]

  • her refusal to perform a blowjob or other acts of obedience or submission doesn't validate your ego? [Special sex act / submission validation]

  • not giving her pleasure fails to validate your sexual prowess? [Good lover validation]

  • you're profoundly uncomfortable focusing on your own pleasure rather than hers? [Giving lover, or egalitarian validation]

  • you're unable to believe her statement that she wants you to? [Attraction validation]

  • you're too uncomfortable with your own sexuality to express or expose it without the cover of pleasuring her? [Respectful validation]

Would you "accept" her offer like a Nice Guy but

  • then push for more from her during the action to try to get your validation or fulfill your covert contract?

  • not fully enjoy it because of butthurt about not getting validated?

  • not fully enjoy it because you worried about what she was thinking or feeling?

  • not do what you really desired for fear of what she might think?

Could you [overcome your need for Egalitarian validation and] fully embrace and fully enjoy her offer, by

  • turning on the lights and uninhibitedly telling her every dirty thought, feeling, and desire [Overcome need for Respectful validation] as you stare at her naked tits, stroke her hair and skin, slowly insert yourself inside her, and focus on having the perfect orgasm? [Overcome need for Good or Giving Lover validation]

  • eating her pussy entirely for your own pleasure without making her cum [Overcome need for Good or Giving Lover validation], while telling her how she tastes and feels? [Overcome need for Respectful validation]

  • climbing right on and pounding away, if that's what you really desire at that moment? [Overcome need for Good or Giving Lover validation]

You're not fully comfortable with your own sexuality or with hers, or you're hung up by validation needs or covert contracts, if you couldn't.



This post grew out of a discussion with u/resolutions316 following his most recent OYS, at the suggestion of u/weakandsensitive.

TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill content, including various subreddits and blogs. This post has been archived from the subreddit /r/MarriedRedPill.

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