~ archived since 2018 ~

What A Successful Mind and Marriage Looks Like

June 27, 2019

Hey all. Long time veteran deciding to come back to give you all some perspective. I see there's still a very large number of users here trying to "get it", and a small group of approved guys who actually do "get it" in the sense that they've got a model that works. But I wanted to give a perspective to old and new alike, who want to have more than an amorphous idea of what life at the end of the tunnel looks like coming from a marriage that actually works now, one that didn't end in a savage divorce, as well as offer a path to those more experienced who may be doing all the rights things and reaping all the right rewards, but who still has some internal conflict about themselves, life, and who they are.

And just to be clear, this is a (long) post talking about living the experience. You're not going to learn anything new here related to MRP, but you'll be able to relate to the end game with a better understanding, which is important because no one really talks about it. The material you get here is all about getting from one place to the other. But nothing talks about living it. It's a silently accepted mental burden. And it's kind of why we all got here at MRP in the first place, because no one talked about actually living this stuff.


Just for the reference, here's me 1/3 through my transformation, here's me 2/3 through my transformation, and here's where I left awhile ago to go put this stuff to the test, and really find what happened when I asked what I wanted of the world unconditionally.


What Happens When You Ask Unconditionally


Basically the universe has opened up to me both externally and internally in a way that I basically dreamed it would since I first started. There's this global understanding of others and myself, and our possibilities, and our limitations, that has made it so that I feel not only empowered, but can actually read the code in the matrix for what it is.

There's a buzzphrase that used to go around here and that is that we shouldn't be worried about the why, MRP teaches the how. But I don't believe the why isn't important. You shouldn't just be looking for the instruction manual, the right "moves" you need to do in life to get to where you want to go.

You should want to get to a point where you understand why all these tools work the way they do. In that way, you come to a better understanding of other people as well and how they are flawed, and how you are flawed, and why we end up like this. Don't just be a puppet, understand what's going on.


And the reason I include "our" in that last paragraph is because of one key idea that, since the beginning of my journey in August of 2015, that I've kept asking myself through reading all the books and all the posts and all the experiences. And that idea is:


What if the misunderstandings, the unguided, lethargic, ad-hoc approach that men are applying to their lives and failing with that seem to bring men in here to ask "how do I unfuck my life and mental models", what if that is not a men problem?


What if the Disney fairytale isn't just believed by men? What if it is a HUMAN problem? What if the fact that people as a whole were left to grow from child into adult without any kind of guidance whatsoever except the mainstream strategies that the media bombards us with, and the strategies that we come up with are merely our best attempts to make life work with what we know?

And this really doesn't go against much of the behavior Rollo talks about in a lot of his books. But I dare you to go back and read/listen through them again and at each example think to yourself..."do guys do this kind of thing too?"


Women Have Been Lied To As Well


I know. Because we all grew up watching Disney films where all a princess has to do is twirl a few times and bat her eyes at a guy and he gets it. (A butchered quote from a woman, on women's misunderstanding of how to flirt with men, found on reddit).


Consider for a moment the analogy of the matrix. And how you were raised from a child to believe in Disney fairytales, happily ever after, and the undying love of a woman. And how after growing up and realizing that a lot of what you told was just some bullshit feel-good to help you stay in line and be kind to one another caused you to find some place like MRP to unplug you from the matrix, after which you saw that life really had different social dynamics than you originally thought.

Now consider for a moment, would it REALLY be a stretch, for even the POSSIBILITY that MAYBE women too were also groomed with lies in such a way as to have a near completely flawed understanding of how relationships truly worked, and that their actions were merely efforts to live their lives in a way that tried to understand the truth between what they've been told, and what they're seeing in real life?

Is it that much of a stretch, that women, too, are living in a type of matrix?


Think about it. You never see (in a Disney sanctioned film) Bell getting her ass reamed out by Gaston. Or Cinderella swallowing a load from Prince Charming. These parts of a relationship aren't taught in the Disney fairytale. Literally the idea of hot fucks that she does in her college dorms and the guy she's going to live happily every after with are two different constructs in her mind.

And not because of the hypergamous alpha and beta shit. It's because she never learned that they can be the SAME PERSON. So when you lead her to a new reality, where these ideas are broken, it's literally like unplugging her from her own matrix.


And this doesnt mean there aren't differences between the sexes. There are. Chemically, biologically, socially. But the fact of the matter is, we are both flawed. And we both need fixing. And once you realize this, that what your wife is trying to do is simply maximize what she gets out of life given the limited available set of tools that she has in her mind, you see a very clear parallel between the person you were when you began this journey, and the person she is before she starts trying to catch up.


You also realize that in order to catch up, it doesn't simply require a falling in line. The end game, for me anyways, to ensure desire driven compliance instead of negotiated compliance, was to have a wife who also understood the dynamic that we BOTH work off of, who is also intelligent enough to see what's going on and how we both erred, and to change into the person she wants to be to make the dynamic work.


It Works...For Both of You


See, a lot of what I see in this place is still taking place from the perspective of "I'm the prize, you just need to bring enough value to capture my attention". And that in itself is full of conflict. AND MAKE NO MISTAKE, YOU NEED TO HAVE THIS MINDSET ON THE JOURNEY UNTIL SHE COMES ALONG.

But her end drive shouldn't be one of "I need to get enough value points to stay on his good side" but "I need to understand myself and him, to the point that we both work".


I don't want a relationship based on conflict. I don't want her to just fall in line. I want a relationship based on mutual understanding. I want her to understand why we were flawed, and develop herself how she needs to to make this work.

In the end, I want to say that "we're the prize". And it's funny because now that I got to where I am, and she got to where she is, we do say that. Often. We tell each other "we so work together" when we understand each others buttons and how we operate. We say "we are totally hot" when we point out each others muscles and talk about the flabby men and women we see out in public. We say "No one else is even trying" when we talk about people with no lives.


Anyone who remembers J10, he once wrote about the three levels of the relationship where in level 1 you're keeping score, level 2 she's keeping score, and level 3 she finally asks where the scoreboard is, and you tell her "oh that dusty old thing, it's in the back". Well level 4 is when she looks at you and says "and that's where it should stay".

There's no questioning that the old ways of doing things were not the right way. She's not a passenger on the ship, she's helping to run it because she wants it to go to the same place.


I cannot tell you how many times I've seen myself lead my wife into some new territory sexually, emotionally, in the way we talk to each other, in the way that we search out the joys of life, that right before I make that breakthrough with her, she lets out some acknowledgement of "I'm sorry" or "I didn't know it could work this way".

In fact more times than not, the growth of our relationship has come NOT from me finally adopting some manly role (that I'm truly doing for myself) that finally clicks with her innate need for that kind of man, but from me leading her to ways of life, trains of thought, methods of communication that she just did not know existed. I'm literally, very slowly, unplugging her from her programmed matrix. And she's loving me for it.


The kicker, and I come back to my phrase of "A man doesnt desire complaince, a man desires desire" is that actions due to ignorance are a better fit to the adjective of compliance, whereas actions driven by choice are a true measure of desire.

When I unplug my wife from some small part of her matrix, when she sees both the way things operated in her matrix, and the way I showed her things can operate, and chooses to now operate in my frame, THAT is desire.


What isn't desire, is if you raise yourself to a standard and do things truly for you, but that also click into her pre-programmed illusion that is her matrix. That really is just her complying with the reality that she's been forced to live in so far. Compliance, not desire.


That said, we don't go into the future living in the post apocaliptic wasteland that is the unplugged matrix. I don't explain it to her down to the depths of taking her to the vats of harvested humans every time we interact. That level of explanation is just depressing. That's autistic. Instead, i show her just enough of how there's another way that i open the door. After she chooses to walk through it, to create an even more powerful bond, we then both step back into the matrix with the knowledge that we have now, and play with the previously imposed ideas as if they were a GAME.

When I act macho and she giggles, it's not because I'm fitting her hypergamous model of acting macho and she's fitting my validation need for giggles, we both understand the roles we play and the meaning behind it on both levels, plugged and unplugged.


And that's all I have to write about the successful marriage. And you might be thinking that our pie in the sky marriage is totally the place to be and easy to live with. It is. But at the same time, it isn't. The success of my life now comes with the knowledge of infinite potential, and infinite work.


I'm Flawed


You know the phrase "It's all your fault?" It's that, rephrased to "You have the power to do whatever you want, like WHATEVER you want, if you are simply able to take on the work, risk, and negative baggage associated with that." And I don't mean associated negative baggage that comes from other people's thoughts and opinions.

But it's an understanding that anything we do, from lifting, to socializing, to internalizing, comes with some form of, with no other way to put it, shit that we have to deal with, and take on, in order to achieve it. You want to learn to X? Here's a list of baggage you'll need to carry. Can you carry it?


And that's the shit I'm going to talk about in this second part. See the main purpose of this part of the post is to level with you, newer guy, and to relate with you, more experienced vet, about what getting what you want actual means both internally and externally.

Because we often look at people that we think have 'made it' and get wrapped up in the social media bias that what we see on the outside IS everything that's going on. There's no negative, that guy just gets to reap the benefits of being totally jacked all the time. There's no negative, that guy can pickup any chick he wants with 100% success. There's no negative, that marriage is perfect.

But that's not really what's going on. What's really going on is an unseen level of sacrifice and risk and personal strife the likes of which we just cannot fathom until we've walked in those shoes.


But I'm going to give a warning, and this is my only warning, that when I open up to you, and when I relate to you, if you choose to use that as an EXCUSE to not achieve...then, it is all your fault.


Why am I doing this? I'm doing this because I compare myself really closely to the personality of Owen from RSD, who has said he found himself to be lightly autistic growing up, but with an unnatural ability to just fucking grind in career, socially, in relationships, and whatever he set his mind to, to arrive at the success he has today.

And Owen most related to me and meant something to me, and I connected with his internal struggle when he tells not of the conquests he's had, but when he shows the actual human mind behind those conquests. The one who, while he looks like a god on the outside, is still building, and following mental models on the inside that attempt to guide him to peace, happiness, and success continually.


The relatable characteristics made him human. And the fact that I saw him as human, and also as a man with the ability he has, allowed me to relate and further push myself because there was no barrier of "this guy's different" anymore. He's like me, so I can be like him. And so I begin:


Looks: I am god damn sexy. No, like really. Like fucking really. I have heard this through both guys, and girls directly, and heard through friends and my wife, that people will stop them and comment on it.

I keep myself fit. I lift heavy and often. I run a lot. I trim and style and groom myself to a point where, when commenting on it online, people have said that behavior is well past obsessive compulsive and no one in their right mind would be able to duplicate it. I am absolutely aware of how good I look. I catch people, men and women, looking me over as I walk down the street. And I bask in the gloriousness of my success. When I run, and take my shirt off, I honestly believe it provides a standard that guys think "wow I need to get in shape like that" and women honk their horn and shout as they drive by. Yeah, it happens.


But I'm going to level with you: I go through periods of body dysmorphia. I will look in the mirror and see right past my 6-8 pack and giant pecs and v shape and adonnis belt and see something I'm just not happy with. I keep myself below 10% bf and will totally believe one day that I'm set to be the best looking mf on the beach, and then stress the next day over an extra 100 calories I ate with dinner. Those calories you cannot even see, if they actually made it to any fat cell I have and if I didn't really underestimate what I burnt that day after working out, running 10 miles, and rock climbing.

Chicks are thinking about how good I look? No way I tell myself. I just succeed because looks don't matter I tell myself. That girl that was giving me fuck-me eyes, a fluke I say.


Lesson: I truly believe that what we find pleasure in in life is the journey and the change, and so when you're at sub 10% body fat and are everyone's 8/10 or above, that feeling is great some moments, but other times the glory of it fades. You're still heads and tales above everyone else, you know it, you're happy for it, but that happiness is not sustainable. It comes and goes.

Men who are at this level will relate to both the good and bad that comes with this experience and understand that the act of being at the top entails all the positivity AND negativity that comes with being at the top, while those who are not at this level will simply look at good looking guys and say "It shouldn't matter that you battle this feeling every now and then, you're gorgeous."

It's some shitty way of saying "be grateful". And part of that negativity is feeling that you're garbage, even though you know at the same time you're the prize. It's not a healthy thought. But it is part of me and is a thought. I accept it, and move on.


Socially: I am the guy who's throwing an awesome party. Who's hanging with all the guests, men, women, and kids and having a blast. I'm the guy going around to everyone and talking, saying hi, making friends out of nowhere, and generally being open and outgoing. I'm the host that your wife will whisper to my wife "I wish my husband threw events like this and gave that amount of effort."

I make it a point to always be more outgoing than what I see people doing in the normal world. When I walk up to a bar, into a room, or out with a group and I see people looking at their phones, into their drinks, or generally around the room I am the guy who says to himself "I'm going to open you, just to share the social bliss I know you're suppressing."


But I'm going to level with you: I'm still fucking scared to approach people. If I haven't been social that day up to that point? I walk into a room of people and sometimes I say in my head "Fuck, I don't want to do this." Or "Maybe I can just lay low." Or "Everyone's already made friends and I'll just fail anyway so why bother."

No scared doesn't mean I don't do it. It just means those negative emotions you get, that you base your excuses on like "I feel afraid, and feeling afraid is bad, and I shouldn't do things that are bad, therefore I wont" are bullshit, because we all have them.


Lesson: Owen said it himself, you never lose that approach anxiety. You just look at yourself and believe that regardless of it, you'll succeed anyway. You succeed in spite of it. Not because it's gone. Not because you have control of it. But in spite of it.

No one conquers their approach anxiety. We have it, and we approach anyway. So while I am the guy who will approach, that doesn't mean I'm not having any kind of negative feeling in my head. That doesn't mean I didn't have to talk myself into it to do it. But the key is that I do it anyway. I approach in spite of all that.

And I don't seek to eliminate those bad feelings in myself. Instead I learn to accept them as normal emotions that are a part of me. They're supposed to happen. You're putting yourself at unnecessary social risk and anything could happen...of course you're going to feel some kind of pull not to and invent reasons you shouldn't. That's NORMAL.

Those voices will ALWAYS be there telling you not to. This is why pros talk about warming up. It's a real thing they use to help them. Being a pro doesn't mean you've got your performance red-lined every second of every day. It means you know how to and can get yourself to that maximum performance when you want.


Value: I spread value when and wherever I can. I'm big into raves and find it akin to the "spread love" vibe that people give off there. I enjoy making other people feel good. Bringing them out of their shell. Making them smile. Making them laugh.

People look to me for value in love, guidance, self confidence, and willpower. And I give it because it means something to me to spread my value to the world. I don't expect anything from it, I give it freely.

As men we are idealist, and I imagine a world where everyone casts off this self-imposed oppression and defensive nature that we're all holding onto and embraces the ability to spread love and value. Make no mistake I do not allow myself to be taken advantage of. There's certain boundaries you have to be aware of when you embark on a journey to spread love. And one of those important ones is to make sure your love, just like it is spread freely, is received freely as well.

The closest state to emotional bliss you can have with someone is to come as close to that line of fully giving and them fully receiving without either taking advantage, keeping score, or letting that value diminish as a result of ego protection in anticipation of either of you straying from that balance.


But I'm going to level with you: A lot of times in the world I perceive an imbalance between what I give and what I receive. And let's be clear that the very first book on the sidebar has already burned the idea of expected value out of me. So it's not expected value return, but i would say it's like idealized value return.

Sometimes that imbalance gets to me. And sometimes the awareness that someone has ventured from free giving and receiving of love and morphed it into a tool for their own gain is severely hurtful. Sometimes I look at people in the world and wonder why we're all like this...why if it is possible to give and receive freely, if we all seem to choose over time to take more than we receive. Almost as if we all learn over time to withhold spreading value as a defensive measure to us all being burned at one point. If giving value is even worth it if everyone else is taking more on average.

This takes you down some really dark places, ultimately ending in ideas of somehow everyone else seems to be ok with the exchange rate of value and you're just flawed, or sensitive. Or alternatively people come to the point that value exchange is so unfair that they take themselves out of the equation (think guy who sits at home playing video games his entire life, or old man grumpy and complaining about how the world hates him, or guy, literally, taking himself out of life) and their entire ability to give value has been corrupted fatally. And if that's the case I don't want to live in a world like that.


Lesson: Giving is at the far end of the spectrum. And pure statistical odds say that if you give more than average, you will receive less than average in return. And by default, because everyone's so scared to act, and interact on a social level, then if you want to, you're going to have to be the one to put in the initial value.

People will often say you have to expect 40% back for the 60% you give. But I believe this is just a pessimistic rule we have to tell ourselves in order to not allow our giving to be destroyed by an inevitable thought-chain of "if this is the way it is, why bother?"

But in the same vein as any activity, where the struggle constantly seems harder than the rewards: Lifting, dressing well, eating right, etc...we know these are the things we need to do anyway. And somehow it is worth it. Even though you've put 500 hours into the gym, and all you get is a 2 second lookover by a passing chick or an honest compliment from a guy, that's worth it.

I said I've been to raves where people give this free love. And to see the ability of people to be like that, even for a brief moment in time, restores my drive to want to be just like that. It's really a feeling that cannot even be put into words. Being at events like that is like seeing the full capacity of value giving in action. And I know it's unsustainable. It's also emotionally exhausting.

It's kind of like the fact that you can't deadlift your 1RM 40 times in a single day. You do it once, you're done, drained, you need to recover. But I won't allow myself to not ever do it because it makes me vulnerable or because it's hard. I see the fact that sometimes I'll get bit or feel the imbalance, and I give anyway.


Ability: I have found in my life, be it through luck, a divine power, or something else, that no matter what I try, I succeed in. In some way, even if that success is a morphing of both the goal and my overall perspective on what success is, I end up succeeding. I have the power to just grind. Just simply grind. And keep going knowing that anything I do I'm moving toward success.

Lifting weights, running fast, making time with friends, keeping a positive outlook, making money, people look at me and ask "How? How can you be successful at so many things?" And it's just because when I set my mind to it, I achieve it. It happened with MRP too. I knew what I wanted, and I got there.


But I'm going to level with you: It still feels like anything that I am not currently, that that is out of my reach. Becoming a landlord? Out of my reach. Starting my own business? Out of my reach. And it still feels like when I'm grinding on something, I think "Why am I doing this? I'm a failure. This wont work." I still have that shitty belied that other people have abilities that I don't through some kind of gift, as if they just poof got that power.


Lesson: So I know in myself, that things that I thought were out of my reach before I've achieved. I've seen it. And I can see in myself now both the feelings that "Well it seems like most/all things are within my reach if I simply do what is required" AND "There's no way I could do that" at the same time. How can both thoughts exist at the same time? That I don't know. But what I do know is that they're both there, and one will hinder me, and one will drive me. I am flawed, both are there. I just need to have the willpower to pick. Just make that decision to go for it, and I've got it.


Peace: Contentedness, happiness, acceptance, yin and yang, enlightenment, the combination of whatever name you want to call it. You know that internal struggle, that feeling that you're fighting a raw element of nature itself, like being in the ocean with some rough surf where you can barely keep your head above water? Where you don't feel like you have control? I don't have that anymore. Things just seem to make a lot more sense now. I don't have the 1000 yard stare. I'm not confused by what happens to me in life on the small or large scale.


But I want to level with you: Because it's not like I feel this way all the time. I don't walk around with a permanent smile on my face. I don't sit here and not feel the anxiety of dealing with a lazy, unintelligent boss. I'm not in some zen state where no negative feeling ever gets in. From all I've written about my marriage above, sometimes we fight, and I question our compatibility.

In the moment, I feel frustration, I feel worry, and fear, and anger just as much as I feel happiness and bliss and euphoria. When life strikes at me I do fall back on mental models I've constructed to hold me in place. And I understand that if those mental models fail then my mind will open the flood gates to the feeling of chaos that will consume me.


Lesson: A lot of the time, in the now, I still feel the struggle and the emotions, but after the fact, I see how I almost NEED to feel those things in order to feel the peace and completeness that come afterward.

In it's purest logical form, it's as if now I know, understand, and have come to peace with the fact that there is no path in life to that peace that doesn't include those feelings of conflict. So in the moment, I can be at peace knowing that I will feel negatives and I will feel positives, but if I know that the path I've chosen is one that will bring me where I want to go in life, I will arrive, look back to the past, and remember it all in a peaceful, understanding, bliss.

I said before that I went and asked what I wanted of the world unconditionally...that means I ask without holding anything back on my part. And I learned that in order to truly be at peace, you have to be able to receive back unconditionally too, even if that means receiving negativity.


And there are books out there that try and teach you to become present to the moment. Letting everything in, and not being defensive about it, and knowing that this is necessary for that peace. I stop by here often enough to see new and older users still being angry or frustrated at trying to progress.


I believe that MRP, while on the surface having everything to do with Rule 0, is simply a vehicle for a greater understanding, which allows us to establish mental models which we simply did not have before. And in fact when you get it, you'll see that the very lessons learned here can be applied to many other aspects of your life as well.




I could go on. But ultimately the goal of this was to humanize the life of someone who doesn't feel like they're at a disadvantage in life anymore.

So that when you see the athlete, or player, or successful marriage, that you don't have any disconnect in your head that makes you believe that this person isn't like you, isn't dealing with an internal struggle, and isn't making compromises but also grinding continually at the same time.


And now I want to leave you with one more lesson. Because last time I left, I said to keep in mind that the combination of all the feats that you see guys doing here seem to morph into this superhuman male you have in your mind, who holds all the positive attributes and non of the negative ones. And holding yourself up against that idealism may make you constantly feel you arent good enough.

But what I didn't say, through correlation, is that you also do the same thing with women too, and take all the positive attributes you see here, and morph them into a perfect wife as well.


What you need to understand is that with the understanding that you, we, us, them, while striving to be the best person we can be, all deal with internal struggles and aren't superpowered, so is your wife. She is not your ideal. Your ideal may not even be out there.

And for those who have wives that just aren't trying at all and who you see a runaway train heading for divorce this isn't for you.

But for the guy who has a wife that seems to at least be trying. Who makes effort to come along...even if it's not at the pace you want...even if it's slightly off the destination you want. Understand she is trying. You know how you started off and you weren't entirely clear of the path you did some sloppy improvements, and messed up in some places, and needed guidance and time? Holy shit your wife will do that same thing when she tries to follow.


Ultimately you will be the judge of where your ship is going and who comes along, but remember that just as you are working with what you have, with a full understanding of your limitations, she is as well. So she's not ideal. But she's growing and improving just like you. Can you live with that?

There's no right or wrong answer here. And I did lie, I'm giving you another warning. Just like I said before if you use anything I've said as an excuse not to work on YOU, then it's all your too if you use any of what I've just said as an excuse for HER, then again it's all your fault. It's not an excuse. I'm not advocating for more slack that you're ultimately willing to give.


But you still need to ask, can you live with that? I'm flawed. You're flawed. She's flawed. Come to terms with that. It took me three years to get to where I wanted to be. And my wife has really only been solidifying her improvement for maybe 1. But on more than one occasion, unprompted, she's already said looking back she's glad we're out of that rough spot, and that she's happier than she ever has been. And I agree.

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