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What is Dominance?

December 18, 2020

I've had way too many people ask this week what dominance is. Not just what it is, but what it feels like when you are exerting it, rather than LARPing it.


And for that I would have to ask a question: What's going through your mind when you get under the bar in order to attempt your new 1rm bench press? I bet you're thinking something like "I got this. I WANT this. I can feel the power I have. I can imagine each muscle engaging when I call for it. I got this. I know it. Unrack. Steady. Control. Explode. Let's do it."

And it's not your literally thinking all this, but rather envisioning it rapid fire in succession in order to manifest in real life what you want to happen by bringing this all together. You're bringing a reality to fruition.


Now...and I actually encourage everyone who wants to feel LARPed dominance to do this exercise next time you bench a 1 max rep if you have a home gym: Ask your wife to give you a spot.

And I want to you pay close attention to the thoughts that INFECT your mind when you walk to the bench with her, lay down, and get ready to unrack that bar. Because I guarantee they are NOT going to be the same as what I just wrote above. Even though im warning you that they wont. You cant help it.They are going to be filled with thoughts like:

"Does she think this is heavy?"

"What does she think about spotting me?"

"What if I fail in front of her?"

"Does she know that I'm thinking about her?"

And you will fail at that attempt. I guarantee it. Pay attention to those thoughts. And realize how they are EXACTLY how you feel in the bedroom:

"Does she like being thrown around?"

"Is she responding to me pulling her hair?"

"What if she says stop?"

"Does she know I'm thinking about her?"


And this is why the ACT of physical dominance in the bedroom, while it LOOKS like throwing your wife around, and pulling her hair, and having her suck your dick on her knees, is not the mark to strive for. It's simply what it looks like from an outside observer.

Just like you harnessing dominance is doing what you want to do with that bar, dominance in the bedroom is doing what you want to do with her. But more importantly, dominance is an attitude, not an action. The action is just the manifestation of it.


When you get to a point where you can get your wife to spot your 1rm and have 0 thoughts in your head about her...when you get to a point where you can smack your wife's ass and put a hand on her neck and have 0 thoughts in your head about her...thats dominance.


When we got back to the apartment is was so horny I couldn't control myself. I kissed her roughly and threw her down on the bed. To my surprise she didn't protest...Even though that night I provided horrible physical stimulation to the point it should have been painful, the psychological stimulation I provided was so good that it overrode the physical aspects.

-SGM, Dominance

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Post Information
Title What is Dominance?
Author Blarg_Risen
Upvotes 65
Comments 39
Date December 18, 2020 12:27 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/MarriedRedPill
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/what-is-dominance.462103
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/kfa1r2/what_is_dominance/
Red Pill terms in post

[–]weakandsensitive[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children) | Copy Link

questions belong at /r/askMRP

[–]HornsOfApathyMRP MODERATOR πŸ˜ƒ26 points27 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

Dominance begins with dominating yourself.

[–]InChargeManMRP APPROVED4 points5 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

SGM is about dominant sex. Being dominant in life is more than a set of tricks. It starts within, as you put it so well here. As a parallel I like to consider the concept of rational confidence vs irrational confidence.

[–]HornsOfApathyMRP MODERATOR πŸ˜ƒ9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

No wife (not woman) is buying dominant sex the way SGM describes from you if you aren't congruent with actions, thoughts, and frame.

A healthy dose of narcissism requires some irrational confidence.

[–]InChargeManMRP APPROVED6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it is important to differentiate rational and irrational confidence. It is always a good thing to punch above your weight a bit, but there is a limit. Don't be a 5 year old declaring "I'm the man of the house now" when your Dad goes out of town. There is no substitute for putting in the work.

In the PUA world it is a whole different game. Smoke and mirrors. As you pointed out by separating a woman from a wife, a relationship with your wife cannot be faked. Women have perfected the ability to sniff out an impostor over 1000's of generations.

The good news is that a man can begin building his frame on day 1, the bad news is that you can't build a frame that is far outside the bounds of his achievements, so they need to work together. No substitute for work.

[–]red-sfpplustells 1000 lb club pussies to fuck off1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A healthy dose of narcissism requires some irrational confidence.

Man, there are so many gems in this thread. Keep it up.

[–]red-sfpplustells 1000 lb club pussies to fuck off10 points11 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Being dominant in life is more than a set of tricks

There are no tricks to success only hard work.

When you work hard you often times fail.

Failure breeds success.

Success breeds dominance by winning.

[–]AlohaMaui808Grinding / Dreadful '206 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I can't find the anal reference.

Who hacked you Red?

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMRP MODERATOR5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He's been compromised. Send the rescue squad!

[–]InChargeManMRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]threekindsofluckyMRP Mod πŸ˜ƒ23 points24 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

This speaks to a point I've been thinking on. There are a lot of guys who are interested in a dom/sub relationship, and have been asking question and following horns.

It's taken me two years, but I have developed a fool proof method that is accessible to anyone willing to put the effort it.

Brazilian Ju-Jitsu.

You want your wife to submit in the bedroom? Give her a piece of your flying armbar. Talking too much during sex? How about a rear naked choke. I find a triangle choke from closed guard is a very sexual position as your dick is inches from her face! Once you get that tap, you've got yourself a submissive wife.

It may take a few months of rolling around with sweaty men to build up those skills. Don't be afraid. A little bit of gay keeps the dick at bay.

Caution - this may not work on fat wives.

Don't let this take away from blargs post, as he raises an excellent point of actions vs mindset. It's not just what you do, it's how you do it.

[–]Ubermensch3314 points15 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

LMAO. I was commenting this week on dominance as well and saying I think it's inseparable from emotion, and that guys put the cart before the horse when they're trying to be dominant without first addressing the underlying issue of not having a fucking clue about how to express their emotions productively and authentically.

Both of you guys highlight the same thing. Physical dominance without emotion/connection is vacuous and might as well be BJJ.

Personally, if there's enough emotion, fucking can just be straight up missionary or some small variant of missionary and it's great sex. You don't have to put her up on a swing and fuck her upside down, although I'm sure /u/hornsofapathy will try at some point.

[–]Blarg_RisenMRP APPROVED[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I saw you in OYS and agreed heavily with your stance.

> will try at some point

If he hasnt tried already I will eat my shoe.

[–]HornsOfApathyMRP MODERATOR πŸ˜ƒ6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

/u/ubermensch33 The over the door kind are alright but if you permanently attach two hooks to a ceiling joist thats best for other suspensions.

It's a novelty really, rookies.

Stockade is where it is at.

[–]chopping_livers0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

not having a fucking clue about how to express their emotions productively and authentically

Can you suggest me a reading material on this? NMMNG and TWOTSM arrived early to my christmas - do they relate? Thanks

[–]Ubermensch332 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Both are great, read ASAP. Rian Stone's NMMNG videos are very helpful as well.

[–]BostonBrakeJobRoTY1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

reading material on this?

Your thoughts.

[–]Blarg_RisenMRP APPROVED[S] 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Good reply though. Because I didnt even realize guys might be clicking to figure out how to be a dom. Which in my head, while sharing a similar mindset, is different than DEVI's dominance. A dom would be dominant for the sake of expressing dominance and power. Whereas DEVI's dominance doesnt necessarily act for the purpose of the power. Horns might be able to word it better.

[–]HornsOfApathyMRP MODERATOR πŸ˜ƒ6 points7 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

A dom would be dominant for the sake of expressing dominance and power.

Personally, I am a dominant man. So, I act like one. The mentality is there first and I'm only expressing something natural about myself.

A Dom expresses that dominance because that is who he is authentically and chooses to amplify that deep dominant core by polarizing another into an authentic submissive state - which is what she is.

Emotional expression any other way would be LARPing and incongruent to who I am.

[–]Blarg_RisenMRP APPROVED[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

We are in close agreement and I defer the accurate description of the dominance of a dom to you. But don't necessarily think a dom is the max on the sliding scale of dominance. Said another way, a man who isn't a dom isn't necessarily less dominant. He just expresses dominance for a different purpose, or in a different way.

[–]red-sfpplustells 1000 lb club pussies to fuck off1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

sliding scale

Define this.

[–]Blarg_RisenMRP APPROVED[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Based on the idea that an action could be ranked as more or less dominant than another action. Thus a scale. To relatively define it, I would put submissive on one side of this scale, dominance on the other, and have the very middle be exactly the point in which a person's attitude toward bringing their drive to fruition has equal weight to that of how much he considers and defers to the outside world's opinion on it.

[–]red-sfpplustells 1000 lb club pussies to fuck off0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

So ELI5:

If I wanna bring something to fruition cause I want to, not giving a fuck what the outside worlds says or thinks, then I am dominate?

[–]Blarg_RisenMRP APPROVED[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

To be pedantic being dominant is actually doing that, not just wanting it. Feeling dominance is your mindset when you are going to/doing it.

[–]red-sfpplustells 1000 lb club pussies to fuck off2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Emotional expression any other way would be LARPing and incongruent to who I am.

And this is why I fail comfort tests.

[–]NeoTheJuanDJ0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Side mount for the fatties. When she’s so fat, a kimura is just out of the question.

[–]PutABabyInThat9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If you are focused on whether or not you are the dominant one in an interaction, you're LARPing. Even if you're seeing yourself as the dominant one, you're still viewing it as some kind of power struggle.

If you go out and do what you want, regardless of other people... this dominance thing doesn't even matter.

[–]Cho_AssmilkMRP APPROVED1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you're dealing with an idiot at work who is starting shit by pulling a heavy and trying to dominate you, what should you do? If you resort to his level of shit, you'll probably both be in the HR office. If you snitch on him, you'll lose respect in the eyes of your peers. If you ignore him and do what you know you should be doing, he may think he's being dominant, but really he is LARPing and your asserting your own dominance by not playing his game.

Dominance isn't always aggressive.

[–]rewire_your_brain7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great analogy, which works with a lot of things.

When I play guitar by myself, I pull off some awesome stuff with feeling, totally into it, surprising even myself. Then someone enters the room:

"I wonder how I sound"

"Let's play this overused lick so they really understand I can play solos"

"Do I sound badass enough?"

"Does my skill show through? Let's play some fast stuff I barely practiced"

As a result I play some sloppy mess trying to impress rather than play actual music.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Great way of putting it - your wants/ desires must come into alignment with your actions. I feel a lot of guys feel this toxic shame that goes with their sexuality. Like being dominant is somehow wrong , degrading, disrespectful to her, or violent. I know I used to feel like that. Most of it likely comes from social conditioning, and the constant bombardment of feminist propaganda in an attempt to feminize men.

I think some of you guys will disapprove, but having sex on edibles - sativa in particular, made me more in touch with my primal, dominant sexual instincts. This carried over into sober sex. It really helped to align my thoughts, words and actions without the toxic shame I was still dealing with. It kind of felt like a door opening to a facet of my personality.

[–]InChargeManMRP APPROVED6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

It's simply what it looks like from an outside observer.

But more importantly, dominance is an attitude, not an action.

This is really important. Unfortunately many of the examples young men see are not in fact demonstrations of "alpha". The loudest man in the room is usually not the alpha. Having a hair trigger temper, being super sensitive, always worrying about what others are saying or thinking about them, these are paper-alpha traits.

I often say "what would a silverback do?" When I say that I don't mean "be super aggressive all the time", but I can imagine some people might take it that way. No, it is more about being fully secure in your role. Generally, the silverback is pretty chill. Not running around busting skulls, but content. He doesn't worry about what others think, he DNGAF because it is of no consequence. If he is challenged, then of course, it's time to bring out the fangs, but that isn't day to day. Most of the time if you knew nothing you would just look and see a bunch of gorillas hanging out.

So, if you find yourself slamming doors, yelling at your kids and wife, throwing fits about how this and that is unfair at work, maybe even making various empty threats to people throughout the day, think to yourself, what would the silverback do.

As a continuation of that, tying into my earlier point of rational and irrational confidence, what would happen if an immature male gorilla walked in and started acting like he was in charge? He would get his ass handed to him, and for sure the other gorillas wouldn't give him the time of day. You need to be your own mental point of origin, but also, there is no substitute for hard work.

My earlier post has some parallels to this. The mirror image of alpha and beta. It isn't necessarily the actions that define us, it is the internal motivations.


[–]Blarg_RisenMRP APPROVED[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Really really good post and anyone who is vibing with mine should check this one out as well. Beta Bob is constantly asking weak subliminal questions with his actions. His wife is constantly exhausted from looking out for and answering them. Dropping the need for those covert exchanges allows for a dynamic of open and honest communication to grow.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMRP MODERATOR1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You asked "Are you Smee?" to one OYS poster and it is very relevant to many newbies and Beta Bob wannabes out there.

[–]Bigfootinmouth4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Very interesting post. I find it to be immersion in action. Not a constant state for me (lol) but the times I experience it its when maxing lifts and fucking. I cant say what happened during the lift or what I was thinking about. In the same manner when fucking, I sometimes find myself dropping out of immersion, almost like waking up, having her little neck in my hand, bathing in her pussy juice.

[–]SKRedPill3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Many men fear their wives playing the "Not good enough" and "I'm not happy" shit tests along with a generous dose of shaming to make them give up their frame and enter her frame. Women sense it and use it relentlessly to establish dominance of frame in the relationship. I even see this dynamic with my parents and virtually all guys married left and right. Most of them would never give two shits when they're by themselves, but throw their woman in the mix and then they're playing the game they know they can't win. My dad loses his mind around my mum 20 times a day and my mum has evolved into a horrible case of control freak - you can by now imagine how cringey it is for me to go home every time. When he comes to visit me alone, he's fine.

A cousin's husband once admitted to me that he's become the way he did cause his wife could wear him down with the frame war like Rafael Nadal on clay - he compared criticism to the forehand and the unhappy fits to the backhand. But we both knew he didn't know how to put a boundary on that. Again and again it's shocking how men have no answer or boundaries and willingly submit to her game just because she'll then shit test them for days.

[–]RStonePTOfficial Counterfeit Goods2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Red-CuriousReligious Dude, MRP Approved2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Not bad. Another perspective to frame this is that women momentarily enjoy external behavior, but long-term thrive on what's internal to their man. That's why fitness tests exist, right? She wants to know if you're an outwardly showy phony or the real deal.

In this, a guy isn't actually dominant in the relationship until he shifts from "faking it" to actually "making it." Internalization.

But there are still "dominance moves" that don't make much sense to me - as if dominance doesn't exist until a guy proves it. I can do pretty much anything I want in the bedroom - and she won't stop me. She prefers it. But something like slapping her butt or choking her doesn't increase my pleasure and I don't have to do these things to know and experience the total power of being in control - so what motive do I have to do them?

I know some women like to be choked out or spanked - so maybe to them, as in my second sentence, outward expressions of dominance also has a unique momentary value even apart from the benefits of long-term internal manifestation of it? Thoughts?

[–]Blarg_RisenMRP APPROVED[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd comment to each their own. I like choking. She doesn't like being choked. We meet halfway (light grip). I'll give her a spank, but it's a one off brief iteration of the moment. It doesn't mean anything or do anything for us.

"dominance moves"

Id categorize these as the agreed upon descriptors of showing dominance. But as I was saying to horns and red above, because the feeling of dominance within you comes from you manifesting your will, emphasis on "your", then you can display dominance with actions more than the cliche agreed on ones.

[–]feargrinn1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Another question is β€œwhat is submission?”.

The bridge between acting and becoming dominant (or simply being domineering) is accepting submission.

Which, I guess, is going to a far harder thing to internalise for most.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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