Thanks to your advice and support I have kept frame through what I suspect is The Main Event. While wife has been trying to push all the buttons, I worked on house projects, bought myself some nice clothes, and was just happy by myself and with son. Sunday afternoon she changed gears: she was being so nice to me it was weird, out of character, and definitely unlike how she was the two weeks before. I was grateful and graceful for the nice offerings, but kept frame. I wasn't doing dread to get her approval, I was doing it because I wanted to do things to be happy independent of her pissy mood. So it seemed like things were improving, but I know her too well to let my guard down.
Then last night she started to try to pick a fight about anything. About a glass that came out dirty from the dishwasher (her fault), about how she doesn't like her class (her fault), about how she wants privacy to study for her class (her choice of room), but then she was bitching about how I left the room to play with Son somewhere else, when she likes it when we are around while she studies. Before I would have just pointed out how these things are her own fault, and the she would have used this to fight with me. That is losing frame
This time I just kept ignoring her traps using Fogging [from WISNIFG], while just being busy with my stuff. I have internalized now that when she is just making all sorts of contradictory demands, it isn't time to talk like adults, it is only that she wants to pick a fight. So then, it is the time to just ignore, and focus even more on what is important to me. This was so easy this time, because I wasn't trying to control myself so she didn't get to me, but actually, I just didn't give a fuck, so she couldn't get to me. I could see it all so clearly, that instead of working hard to maintain frame, it was comfortable for me to maintain frame. This was such a huge change for me!
Finally, she says: "You know what really upsets me? That you don't REACT to what I'm saying!". I was so happy she actually said it! I wanted to say: YES! I know! Isn't that great? You are just trying to pick a fight to see if I lose frame, but I don't react, I maintain frame and from that, I respond my way! I've read all these books from the sidebar and worked very hard PRECISELY to achieve this. I am so happy about it!
But I didn't say that, of course, remember that we must hide our efforts and make them seem easy. Instead, I said with a friendly smile: "Honey, when you are angry like this, communication isn't productive. I'm happy to talk when you have calmed down.". Frankly, I learned this trick because it works with my own son. When he is pissy, I just put him in his room, let him act it all out there, while I go do something else, and then when he calms down, I'm ready to play with him again. I was doing the same: give her time to sort out her feelings, and focus on somewhere else meanwhile. At this point, Wife was going to say something back, opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Then she left the room, came back to say something, left again upset without articulating anything, and finally after a few rounds of this, she left the house to go to her class.
When she came back a couple of hours later, she apologized. This is very rare for her, as she has a big ego and is very stubborn. She then hugged me very strongly and melted in my arms. She hadn't given me a hug like this in a few weeks, and she didn't want to let go of me. I could feel how she was just happy I was strong and she felt safe because of it. I followed my usual method of how to receive apologies like a man. There was no need for browbeating nor accusing her of being pissy or all that. All that matters to me is that if she is an adult emotionally, I'm happy to talk, but otherwise, I just don't care because it isn't productive for me, so I'm not going to waste energy on that. Then she talked briefly about what really bothered her (something tiny that had nothing to do with me), and I agreed and amplified, she laughed, and that was all. Today she has been loving, happy and nice. And she commented on how I look very good with my nice new clothes. I thanked her for the compliment, but to be honest, it didn't matter, because I don't need her approval for my clothes. I chose them precisely because I knew they made me look good.
TRP isn't about being an asshole or controlling to our wives. It is about having frame so we control ourselves and have vision about what is REALLY important to us. From that, wives feel safer and happier with us, and then, they are inspired to make us happier as well.
From the horses mouth: Wife admitted she has been trying everything she can to see if I lost frame. I maintained frame, and she melted in my arms.