This saved a bit early, I meant to tag is as a FR (or possibly Cautionary Tale.)
Context: MRP since November. Lifting, sidebar, hobbies, leadership, etc - working on all of those, not perfect anywhere but lots of progress. Married about 6 years, SAHM, two kids, 3 and 1. Career beta that whole time, married to my oneitis. 100% dead bedroom for 1.5 years after the second kid was conceived. Only recently started having sex again. Had a huge blowout two months ago, after she was acting depressed enough that I had worries about the kid's well being. Since then, things have stabilized - she's MUCH better, much more in control, dressing nicer, much better with the kids, better mood. But sex has also drifted off, from a high right after that big fight (8 times that month) to about once every week and a half. Also important: I've initiated the last few nights and been rejected, and those rejections got to me, even after a few months of truly feeling OI.
So, MRP - tell me how much I fucked up. Pretty sure I was just involved in a train wreck.
Now, something you should know about me: I don't get mad. Really, hardly ever. I had a wicked temper as a kid, really hurt some other kids in fights, and had my anger straight up therapy-ed out of me.
Because of that, I internalize anger. I don't show it. I can count on 1 hand the times I have gotten visibly outraged at my wife over our 9 year relationship. If I get really pissed, I might go in another room and punch myself in the leg. Given myself some nice bruises that way, but other than that, it's extremely rare for me to blow up, yell, etc.
This week I've been trying to make plans with a friend, Friend X. That friend also knows my wife (we all grew up together), but Friend X and I are very close, grab beers together for "Dad Nights", etc.
I've noticed my wife and I haven't had a date night in a while, and we've been hanging out separately a lot. I thought it would be nice to lead our relationship and get some group hang time in.
Yesterday I texted for logistics, letting her know I was making plans for this week with friend X. I asked if she'd be down to have him over the house after the kids were asleep, maybe play a board game. She has been reluctant to have people over in the past, because she feels self conscious about our house.
She didn't reply. She's on her phone all fucking day, messaging her friends, so I know she got the text. Fine - no worries. I
Friend X called me this morning, let me know he would be in town, and we decided to grab a beer. Texted wife:
ME: Heads up - Friend X will be in town tonight, so I'm swinging out to meet him. Won't be till around 7:30.
HER: Wait. Is this instead of him coming over to hang out?
ME: i never heard back from you about that. do you want him to come over?
HER: You never followed up with me. I didn't have a chance to think it answer when you texted. I wish you would stop assuming things. You do this a lot.
HER: I'm so frustrated. Like, what went through your thought process when I didn't respond? There are so many possibilities and you just assumed one thing which is most convenient for you.
HER: That's what you have to say? We are supposed to be working in our communication. It continues to be a problem.
I don't know if it was her "tone" - like she was chastising one of our kids. I don't know if it was the complete taking me for granted. I don't know if it was just weeks of initiating and getting rejected, all the "I have OI" talk I'd been giving myself just covering up more resentment.
But at this point, I lost it.
Blood started pounding in my head. My hands started shaking. My breathing sped up, and I started pacing the room...
...And then, from my hands to the keyboard, emerged the grossest fucking victim puke.
I'm including it here because it's fucking embarrassing. If I'm being honest, I didn't even mean to send it - I typed it in, expecting to get it out and then delete it.
But of course, I hit "send" instead.
ME: how about i don’t want to text because I am soon fucking pissed at you. I texted YOU to include YOU in plans that I was making. I wanted to hang out with YOU and reached out to YOU because we haven’t hung out much lately. YOU are on your phone all fucking DAY and probably facebook messaged your friends 150 times over the course of the next 24 hours. I told YOU I was trying to making plans for this week. and yet, when YOU don’t have the fucking time or courtesy to respond to ME, it is MY fault and I should’ve been chasing YOU around and treating you like a fucking child.
jesus fucking christ i am so fucking pissed i can barely breathe hence me trying to pull back on the texts and nOT RESPOND i am shaking god damn, you take me for granted. holy FUCK
I haven't edited any of that, because hopefully one day I will look back on my post history here and laugh at this.
I then called her, basically reiterated the above, she started arguing back about "how dare I turn this around on her" and "is it too much to ask that I follow up with her in person." And I argued back every point, completely sucked in.
She said she had to go - she was with our son - and we'd talk about it when I got home.
Look, this is like, the picture of an MRP train wreck. Losing frame, being butt hurt, showing weakness, getting sucked into fights, DEERing, fucking texting!
Like I was going down a fucking check list of things not to do, and then just doing them instead.
I probably undid months of work.
But, honestly...it feels so good to be MAD. It feels good to be pissed off and vocal about it. It feels good to get pissed and call her out on shit.
I know - it's probably terrible for the marriage, terrible for me. But I actually feel GOOD now. I'm sure it'll fade and this will just feel shitty, like the victim puke it was.
Anyway. Posting this here to remind everyone, and myself:
1.) You can feel like you are on top of you shit, and still let stupid bullshit get to you. Never slack off or let up your guard.
2.) Even when you THINK you have let go of resentment and butthurt, that shit goes deep and can fuck you up when you least expect it. This day started perfectly fine.
3.) I made a commitment when I started here to be open about this process. This shit is fucking embarassing. I'm posting it anyway.