~ archived since 2018 ~

Your wife didn't make you beta; YOU did

February 9, 2019

It is a universal human (and higher animal) trait to test others to determine their actual boundaries and expectations, which usually differ from those stated.

  • A child refuses to pick up his toys or to go to bed.

  • A motorist exceeds the posted speed limit.

  • An employee arrives late for work; a boss asks an employee to work late without additional compensation.

  • A wife tells her husband to fetch something for her she could more easily have gotten herself, or overspends the monthly budget, or denies sex for months at a time.

  • A boyfriend pushes beyond his girlfriend's sexual boundaries.

  • A dog steals food from the table.

If those being tested assert reasonable boundaries and consequences, as is expected of any competent adult, mutually accceptable norms are established and satisfactory relationships emerge. But when someone consistently abdicates this responsibility, bad things result:

  • Kids become spoiled brats who disrespect their parent.

  • Everybody speeds, some dangerously so, leading to deadly accidents.

  • Employees show up very late and gossip instead of working; employers exploit or abuse their workers.

  • A wife loses all respect and attraction for her husband, resulting in a dead bedroom or an affair; some wives abuse their husbands.

  • A girlfriend is taken advantage of or abused sexually.

  • An out-of-control dog terrorizes its beta owners, until a Cesar Milan teaches them alpha behavior.

Enforcing reasonable boundaries and expectations is a central obligation of all adults in every relationship, notably including a marriage. For various reasons (Fear of conflict? Naive notions about romantic love? Misguided belief that Nice Guy covert contracts and behaviors will get his desired outcomes? A morbid fear that his oneitis unicorn will leave him alone and sexless?), some husbands abdicate this normal adult responsibility in their marriage, even some who exercise it elsewhere in their lives. Their wives gradually "discover" this in the normal course of largely unconscious boundary-testing common to all human relationhips, and meeting little resistance the liberties granted and taken (again usually unconsciously) expand into relationship-damaging territory.

Having no independent personal agency and constantly seeking positive validation from others by mirroring their frames, our frameless reactionary betas mistakenly project all agency and responsibility onto others, and in particular misattribute their wives' natural accidental or opportunistic testing of boundaries, or her anxious insecure attachment behavior, as a deliberate, aggressive campaign to betaify him so overpowering that he is helpless to resist. In truth the causality operates in exactly the opposite direction; the constant force driving the betaization process is the beta's commitment to appeasement to fulfill his covert contracts, and to avoid upsetting and losing his oneitis wife.

This standard beta pattern of actively promoting their further betaization by unconditional acceptance of boundary violations is starkly demonstrated in this post by an intelligent beta idiot whose steadfast refusal to reveal his boundaries and expectations to his anxious, insecure, codependent wife drove her over a period of months to ever more extreme BPD behaviors in her desperate but hopeless attempts to get some clarity from her ultra-Nice Guy husband.

Our hapless, still-beta hero continues to operate from a wife's frame by attributing primary agency and malice to her rather than to her husband (and thereby absolving his ego of the primary responsibility for his beta behavior), and his "solution" focuses on changing her rather than himself, which is both misguided and mostly out of his control. Avoid this unproductive, ego-protecting way of thinking.

Let us never again read "My wife made me a beta!" here at r/marriedredpill. This is simply male hamstering and solipsism that hinders your progress. YOU chose to betaify yourself, and YOU drove the process forward with your misguided Nice Guy covert contract strategy, and with your neurotic fear of upsetting and losing your oneitis unicorn. Quit blaming your wife for YOUR failure.

The good news is that since it was always you betaifying yourself, it requires only you to reverse it.

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Post Information
Title Your wife didn't make you beta; YOU did
Author man_in_the_world
Upvotes 124
Comments 26
Date February 9, 2019 3:05 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/MarriedRedPill
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/your-wife-didnt-make-you-beta-you-did.217233
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/aot27d/your_wife_didnt_make_you_beta_you_did/
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