I guess since others are reflecting over the past year, I think I'll do the same. A lot has happened this year (since I thought 2022 was gonna be my fuck it year) but at the same time, it's almost like nothing has changed. At least not too much. But I did go through a lot of doctors involving my urological problem which still has not been resolved. There was a surgery planned for early on next month but I most likely will postpone it. The urologist said that he didn't know if it was gonna help or not but I'm afraid to go back to him period because he flat out said he would refuse to do anything else. I may push back the meeting with him too.

My mental health keeps taking hit after hit after every urologist appointment. I can definitely tell it has gone downhill in general because I have become more angry and depressed and bitter over the state of my life. And yet I still want to keep fighting. Sometimes I want nothing more than a death wish but I'm gonna wait at least for awhile to see how things turn out. My dad did die like 2 months ago which kinda sucks but it might help me jumpstart into.....something. Because of his death benefits, I'll definitely have enough funds to cover anything medical wise. At least that should be the case. So I will most likely spend 2023 (at least the start of it) to see what all I can do with this new scope of medical care in my hands.

I have been trying to get out of the house more because (I really hate to admit this but screw it), when I get out of the house and away from my mom, I do feel better. More clear headed. When I get back to my house (where me and my mom live), the brain fog rolls back in and I start sneezing more and coughing and my eyes water and everything else. I just feel worse overall. Probably because I spend 23+ hours in my room. I'm stuck in here. But with the money I have, that should give me some newfound freedom. More choices than I had before. If I get too tired, I can just take a Lyft somewhere.

My mom....she is going to a specialist next week because she may symptoms that might involve a type of cancer which does have me concerned. A part of me (I guess my mom and my dad in my head) keeps saying that I have to look after her and take care of her. But even by their logic, I can't take of her anyway if I don't get my own needs met. I need to stay focused on where I want to go from here. The biggest problem is that I have been taught to put others needs (my parents needs) above my own. And that has definitely affected me mentally (and physically). I am going to see a counselor tomorrow (on New Year's Eve) to help me figure out what the hell I'm going to do because my future seems so uncertain (maybe even bleak a lot of the time) and that scares the hell out of me. There's a lot more I wanna say but I'm zoning out so I'll just quickly sum things up. My health and recovery still remain uncertain, it can be hard to trust anyone, I desperately need to escape from this.....dreadful life sometimes (I guess you can call it escapism), I try to put out all the racing thoughts in my head a lot, my longterm friend (who is feminist); the friendship will definitely will not last much longer which is probably best but she was my only source of support outside the house but hopefully that'll soon change.....again I have a lot on my plate. I don't know how to deal with it. But the only thing I can do is wait a little bit and...see what happens.