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Breaking up with misandrist girlfriend, follow-up

April 5, 2023

This post is a follow up and asking for advice after I broke up with a misandrist and toxic girlfriend. For reference:

What do you do if:

  • the ex contacts you via email to tell you you are a coward and at the same time say they care about you (I do not understand the coward part, it is true I said I needed time to think and that I would not text her for some days for mental health, and when I came back I told her I wanted to breakup face to face. On top of this, I mentioned at multiple times in the past that I wanted to break up and she always managed to have me come back - I am also responsible for that, totally). When in the past I had tried to breakup she bombarded me of calls, messages and even appeared at my door at night. So, this time, as I was not feeling safe I wanted to minimize interactions. I mean, if it was the opposite, maybe I would be sued for harassment, no?

  • she says she is grieving but at the same time she told me she already planned to do what we had planned in the upcoming months with someone else (festivals, going to a wedding), in 1 day.

  • then, as she still has things at my place and me things at hers, I had to unblock her, and then that is when I am again bombarded of messages and asking to see each other.

I would like to give her closure over text (although we had talked about this multiple times in the past, so I am not sure if it would add anything) however in the past she always tried to use what I said against me and play mind games which led me not leaving her in the end (see the open relationship issue part, for instance).

I thought about sending her things via a truck. I want to minimise interactions. But I am super lost, again.

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[–]cromulent_weasel 25 points26 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

the ex contacts you via email to tell you you are a coward and at the same time say they care about you

So both of those statements only resonate if you still care about them. The solution is to stop caring. The first is basically abuse, and the second sounds like love bombing. Please read up on Once you reframe both of those behaviours as being part of an abuse cycle, then it becomes easier to detatch yourself emotionally from them.

Why would you WANT to stay in a relationship with someone who is abusive to you and doesn't want the best for you?

as she still has things at my place and me things at hers

Package up her stuff in a box and deliver it to her, maybe taking a friend. You probably need to accept that your things at her place are lost, there's no guarantee you will get them back. If you do, bonus.

I would like to give her closure over text

Closure is a myth. All she needs to know is that you don't want to be in a relationship with her, and she already knows that. There's nothing more for you to do other than avoid being dragged back into drama, which inhibits your healing and personal development.

[–]hellocafe[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are right and thank you for your message. Thanks as well for the resource you sent I can identify so much with some of the points and it helps a lot. As soon as she had called me a coward I unblocked her on whatsapp to arrange time to give her her stuff. And this is true she took advantage of that to bombard me of whatsapp messages and trying to undo the breakup by trying to discuss the reasons. So I blocked her again and now only communicate over email mainly for sending her stuff.

[–]uniptf 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Package up her stuff in a box and deliver it to her, maybe taking a friend.

It might be worth having police accompany him, rather than a friend. It would not be the first time that a simple visit to collect belongings from a bitter and/or angry recent ex- has escalated to either violence or to false reports of violence. If requested, police will send an officer to stand by as a safety factor, and that often keeps things quieter, easier, and faster.

[–]cromulent_weasel 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That's probably the best way for him to get his stuff back too.

[–]uniptf 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]SamaelET 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Concerning the texts and emails, keep them all. Be sure to periodically remind her during your email/text exchanges that you don't want to do anything with her, have no desire to mainstain any form of relationship and want to move one.

Write down all the reasons for which you decided to put an end to the relationship. Read them each time you talk with her. Try to not let her control the conversation. No matter what she says, ignore it to make the conversation about taking back your stuff. Remember your self esteem and ask yourself if this girl is remotely worthy of you

To get back your stuff and give her back her stuff, you will possibly see each other at one point. Try to get one or two female friends to come with you. If your stuff is not valuable, send her stuff back by truck, then block her after sending "now we have nothing to talk about, from now on don't come to see me and don't contact me". You have no responsibility or duty to care for her. You don't owe her closure.

[–]LoveTheGiraffe 12 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Look I'll be blunt with you. I broke up with my ex not too long ago. Suddenly, after weeks of her moving out, there was a letter in my mailbox with her name on it (we used to live together). So I told her, she came to pick it up and when she was about to leave, she asked me to stop "slandering her on the internet". I was shocked and didn't know what she meant. Turns out she stalked my social media, especially reddit (she didn't use reddit herself), found a post of mine from this very subreddit (that was weeks old at this point) and got furious. To clarify: I asked for advice to help me fall alseep (you can read my post history) and just mentioned that I'm better off alone since she was a liar and manipulator. Completely anonymous (or so I thought). Then she went off over text, just hateful and misandrist crap, but when I actually confronted her with what she was saying, she did a 180 and suddenly asked to be friends and "heal".

Do not let manipulative and sexist women make your life hell. You owe them nothing. Walk away, block them if you need to, get a restraining order if necessary. This shit will drain you and it's better to completely stop any interaction with that person. The more time you waste with someone like that, the less time you have to find someone who respects you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Trust me, there are people out there who will make you feel butterflies in your stomach, rather than pain in your heart.

Best of luck, bro!

[–]hellocafe[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Wow, that must have been quite difficult to deal with. At the same time, I guess you also needed support and that is why you headed out here. I mean if you were anonymous, the only thing she could blame would have been herself for being liar and manipulator (according to what you said). If it is not to indiscreet, how did you confront her to her misandry?

Your second point was so true man. I had so many arguments with her around her misandrist vision of the world: “you all men think you can give orders to women”, “all men are perverts”, “you cannot complain about anything since you are a white male” “I cannot understand why is some man talks badly about me you would not agree with me that it is because of misogyny and that it is a systemic problem”. This went so far, that I began to feel afraid of raising children with her and what she could potentially teach them. This reminds me of a sentence I see often: “if you have a problem with all men, or all women, maybe the problem is you”

Thanks a lot for your comment!

[–]LoveTheGiraffe 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I tried to show her studies and credible sources that refute her points, but then she felt "outmatched" (her words) and became aggressive and hostile. So it was basically "agree with me or I will personally attack you". You can't have a discussion with someone who refuses to listen and who would rather ignore facts to keep their world view. The problem is that our discussion at the beginning of the relationship were great. She was open to hearing my viewpoints, I listened to hers and we would often find common ground, especially when I showed her stats and studies. This all turned around maybe a good year into the relationship. She went to an art college and I'm not sure if she just changed as a person or if she let herself be influenced by the radical left "woke" people there. Every little thing, every minor inconveniece was suddenly because of women-hating according to her. She even used TERF talking points (like seperating trans-man from the "evil cis men", aka not seeing them as "real" men which is so fucking transphobic). You know, the typical bullshit most of us are familiar with. It's only okay to hate on cis white men lol

At some point it just makes you tired. It sucks to have a partner who discriminates. Doesn't matter if it's gender, race or sexuality. Those people are trash and not worth your time.

I'll give you some good advice for your relationships, one that I ignored too often myself. Look at the relationship of your partners parents. If you are dating a woman, especially look at her relationship with her father. Most misandrists have a horrible relationship to their father, stay away from those people and avoid the headache.

Wish you all the best in your future!

[–]Foxsayy 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would like to give her closure over text (although we had talked about this multiple times in the past, so I am not sure if it would add anything) however in the past she always tried to use what I said against me and play mind games

Don't talk to her again, just make a firm break. You've already had thar conversation, and having it again won't make it any better. She's just going to act the same way.

Don't block her number just yet, let her text you like a madwoman in case she tries to charge you with something. Then you have evidence. But DO NOT respond to her. It's in the past now, she was obviously abusive.

[–]Andreomgangen 3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

You can NOT give this person closure.

What she is doing is the equivalent of bad cop/good cop trying to inflict emotional Stockholm syndrome.

You do not need to explain yourself, and her demanding an explanation is the only sign you need that this person does not have your interests at heart, only her own.

As much as I hate gendered expressions the one that comes to mind is 'man up' get a hold off yourself. Start thinking about taking care of yourself first and foremost, and admit to yourself that you are no longer her knight in shining armour always protecting her.

I think deep down you know what I'm saying is the truth otherwise you wouldn't be here seeking advice.

[–]hellocafe[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Totally. TBH you are totally right and I agree. I guess I also have to work on myself to not let her games reach me so that I am always second-guessing my breakup or feeling guilty and believing I am bad. When all the stuff will be handed back to her, I will truly be able to feel free.

[–]Andreomgangen 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

I feel for you I know that horrible feeling of not being able to let go of the feeling that I owe the other person something more, when I've already given them the last inch of my own happiness. Sunk cost fallacy is as inherent in relationships as it is business.

I've had my run in a relationship very much like the one you described.

The most annoying thing afterwards was that I grew up with a sociopath and thought I could recognise such people a mile away. I would never be the kind of fool to fall for such simple manipulations. Well turns out when emotions are on the table even the most ingrained principles whither away.

I got out, and honestly although I still carry a fair bit of anger at myself for allowing myself to be treated like that. And even more anger for taking so long to admit to myself that the reason I allowed myself to be treated like that for so long was because I was too big a wimp to accept that there was no way I was getting out of it as the hero.

The only way to win at the toxic relationship game is to stop playing, which will always feel like defeat at first, and that's what she is exploiting right now. That feeling of defeat.

Accept it, embrace it don't focus on how it makes you feel to cut her out, focus on what you want out of each day. Then one day you'll wake up go outside take a breath of air and as you breathe out it will finally hit you.


Then you too finally truly seeing what you've put yourself through will have to confront the question of how the hell you allowed that to happen.

Once you've dealt with that you will come out a much stronger person than you were before.

[–]hellocafe[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly, and this hits super deep. In the end this has always been a problem with me. I always thought I had to do everything to make my girlfriend happy. When in reality happiness must come from within. Which makes me having a hard time setting boundaries, and in almost all my relationships being treated the same way. But the thing is, although I know I need to work on myself, why do people also behave like this? I mean, I would be happy if my gf looks after my happiness, and I am not seeing myself abusing of that. Not sure if I am being clear ahah.

How did you manage to recognize sociopath and also how do you manage it when emotions are at play? In my case it was the first time dealing with a misandrist and a bit Borderline.

Yes, exactly, this feeling of defeat hits hard. I have proof she already told it to all our common friends, and she will have backup, whereas no one reached out to me (among the common ones) I guess that is the side effect of being the one who broke up. I can take it.

So right, sometimes I feel burst of feeling free. Now I know that, as you said, I should not let that happen again.

Thanks so so much for your comment, it helps so much!!!

[–]TimothyShadow1 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

Comment straight out of r/RomanticAdvice

[–]Andreomgangen 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm not as familiar with that sub as it seems you are, so if that was meant to be sarcasm, it's lost on me :)

If it was, then I should probably point out that this is meant to be a support sub, and sarcasm is just whiny detraction and rather unconstructive :)

[–]a-man-from-earth[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That was a spam bot.

[–]Mycroft033 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Exactly how badly do you want this stuff? You might just need to give it up for lost

[–]hellocafe[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I just got mine back. Interestingly, she put all the photos I had printed of us for her as a gift and gave them back to me. It’s so sad because it gives the feeling the person has already moved on in so little time. But anyway, that is for the best I guess.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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