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Had an interesting talk with my narcissistic mother

June 19, 2022

I have a feeling this post might be a bit long so bare with me.

I have two narcissistic parents, one of them I live with (mom) and the other I don't (dad) and they are divorced. I'll explain why I went NC with my dad later on.

My dad has went to the hospital twice over the past few months and recently he was told that he might need a heart transplant. He ended up not getting it (not sure why) and instead he will go on dialysis. He has been crying a lot more lately because he has no one to really talk to. Although I'll tell you why nobody deals with him.

He takes his anger out on people, he's rude, he cusses people out, whether it towards my two sisters (who I haven't really seen and are from two other marriages; also ended in divorce), my mom (even though she's pretty much one of the only people that still talks to him), his brother and his niece, and at me (the last time we talked, he cussed me out over me merely suggesting to get his mail changed so it would be sent to his apartment and not our house). We haven't spoke since December last year and I don't exactly regret that decision. I went through a whole year calling my dad more on a daily basis. That was HELL. But at least with my dad, since I don't live with him, I can go NC with him. My mom however is a different story, but for the sake of this post, I'll keep the focus on my dad. For now.

My mom, despite her own toxic and bad behavior traits, does make a few decent points. Like my dad does get upset over not having anybody and he stated that he has all these emotions and stuff that he needs to release. I really do get what he is going through but that doesn't mean I can deal with him and that doesn't mean a lot of other people will deal with him either if he doesn't change. But, me and my mom both know he won't change (I also know my mom won't change either). My mom has some similarities to my dad. And not only that, she enables him too (not as much as she used to but she still does it). I know why she does it but that still doesn't make it okay. Like even after he cussed me out in December, my mom still took his side and pointed out how my actions can be "evil", saying me and my dad are just alike. We also had another conversation in February where I opened up more about how I felt and she was just pretty dismissive. She kept asking "Do you hate me?" just because I have distanced myself from her too. Because I don't trust her either.

For starters, she makes tons of excuses for my dad's behavior and especially her own. She constantly vents to me about her childhood (not that much anymore because I'm trying to create some distance) and the excuse she made was that she thought there was something wrong with my memory (even though times before she said my memory was perfectly fine). She kept saying that I'm misunderstanding her so her solution is to keep pointing out the same things to her in the hopes that maybe one day it MIGHT sink in. She denies her wrongdoing or she minimizes it by saying "oh that didn't happen recently". And just like my dad, she went on a bit about how she gave up her dating and social life to take care of me and just thinks that I have such a bad memory because I'm treating her so bad, just for creating boundaries.....

But like I said before, she did have a point this morning and it made me think about how isolated I am at the moment and I'm worried that I might end up like my parents down the line. I guess that's one thing I'm trying to do, even if its just small changes. But I still wonder if its ever enough. Although I am doing my best to create some distance between both of my parents, because of the reasons listed above.

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[–]FatherOfLights88 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What an incredibly frustrating position to be in. There are very few ways, if any, where uiu can take decisive action and feel like you've 'won'. The cost associated with your parental relationships seems to be way too high, making it feel like lose/lose. No matter what you do.

Your worry about the future... the one your mom planted inside your head... is quite valid. Not necessarily for being the kind of person the are, but for that they have failed at teaching you what a healthy adult relationship looks and feels like. If this is an anxiety that you don't know how to process, and would like some help, send me a pm. Within the span of one conversation (voice or text chat), I should be able to help you draw enough of a distinction here so that you can see a path toward a future that is less isolated. If you can come to see that possibility, then you'll have more inspiration to do the hard psychological work necessary to get there (therapy).

Best wishes!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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