I (20M) feel alone after being a victim of reactive abuse by my ex (20F)

I tried posting on another subreddit but a bunch of women attacked me and called me an abuser simply because I was a man. They believed that because even though I suffered mental abuse, I was in the wrong because I am “physically intimidating” to my ex. I really hope someone can at least use logic to help me see how im in the wrong. Before I say anything, id just like to mention that I have (diagnosed) ADHD and severe (Diagnosed) anxiety disorder, both which affect my day to day life. Anyways, my ex and I were together for a year and a half. Three months into our relationship, I looked on her phone and saw a completely new side of her. She made up lies about me and was spreading them to her “guy best friend” (who which I knew nothing about prior). There was no exact evidence of cheating but she also gave me no explanation as to why she would make up lies to make me look like an asshole for no reason. So I only assumed. Maybe I was wrong. Anyways, as the months went on these kind of problems persisted. She gave out her number and snap to guys. As far as I could tell, there was no evidence of cheating but definitely flirtatious messages coming from the guys. Then again you can choose to delete and keep messages. She proceeded to tell me how I was insecure. So many other problems but all in all a pretty rocky relationship. Eventually she started being straight up disrespectful, and even worse I allowed it. After respectfully asking her to stop MANY times, she would continue with no hesitation. I eventually started yelling because I felt the asking didn’t get me any sort of respect from her. And then from there, any sort of retaliation (getting upset and raising my voice or yelling) against her blatant disrespect and repeatedly provoking me was considered abuse by me. For well over a year, she gaslit and manipulated me into thinking I was an abuser. All I could think to myself was that I was a POS and “why cant she just be respectful and not push my buttons. Then i would never get mad”. Fast forward to end of the relationship, my good friend pointed out that he has never ever seen me get mad, much less raise my voice. He then told me to research “reactive abuse”. And what do you know, it was her down to a tee. Now heres where things get tricky. We still lived together after we broke up, as we mutually agreed that it would benefit us most to coexist until one of us found another place (yes i know, big mistake). Anyways, One night we had our siblings over at our apartment. It was time for bed and I gave our siblings my room while my ex stayed in her room. I slept on the couch in the living room. My ex then proceeds to come out of her room and stand in the kitchen right next to me, turn on the light, and talk loudly on the phone about how happy she was to get away from me. This annoyed me a lot as I was trying to sleep because I had work the next day. It also did hurt my feelings. I was also already immensely anxious and stressed about money and work and just in general before all of this. I asked her around fifteen times to leave me alone and go talk in another room or outside on our balcony, all which she completely ignored. Although it was upsetting, I decided to put the pillow over my head and try to get sleep. After a few minutes I felt tapping on my shoulder to which I responded “Go away” multiple times. The tapping persisted so I finally sprung up and said “What do you want”. My ex explained to me that she wanted to tell me she was moving out the next day and would no longer pay for the apartment bills (internet, rent, utilities). This four day notice was made known to me well after 3 am. “FOUR DAYS BEFORE RENT AND ALL THE BILLS ARE DUE!?” I lost my shit. Not only did I spend my whole last paycheck and some saved up money for a “birthday trip” she planned for me, but I also had just gotten my paycheck of $1,300. It would be another two weeks before I saw any more money. Rent alone is $1,128. Thats not including the other bills stated above and my personal needs (Gas, Food, Car insurance, and an urgent car repair costing around $725). Altogether I was around $1,500 short. I had a mental breakdown. She had a smug smile and when I asked if shed help at all, she said it wasn’t her problem and deal with it. I was in a state of pure desperation and anguish. The worst mental distress I had EVER been in my entire life by far. The nastiest things I thought of, I said to her. She returned fire. Back and forth we went. I finally sat down on the couch in defeat as I knew there was nothing I could say that would even make her feel a sliver of sympathy and help me out. All I could say was “F*** you. I hate you” as I layed down. She stared at me for a few seconds and then proceeded to grab my keys off the table and sprinted towards the door. I ran after her and she threw my car keys down the stairs for no reason. In a stupid split second reaction, I shoved her into the hallway and grabbed my keys. She locked me out for a few minuted before my brother came to the door to let me in. At that point I was so tired and stressed and anxious and livid, pushed WAY beyond my mental limit. More disgusting words left my mouth as I walked back to the couch to breathe and process what had jus happened. As soon as I sat down, my ex grabbed my pillow and held it away from me. I started yelling for her to give it back. Close to twenty times I told her to and she still didnt. At this point, I was so exhausted and anxious, all rationality was long gone. So I went in to take my pillow and immediately she started yelling loudly. “STOP IT GET OFF ME YOURE HURTING ME” all while I wasnt even touching her, just forcibly pulling my pillow. She did all this and then had the audacity to make herself look like the victim. There was no way to defend myself against these endless mental attacks. I had had enough and decided that if yelling and shoving and asking respectfully or forcefully wouldnt stop her from what I felt was torturing me, there was only one thing that shed listen to. So i grabbed my pillow with all my might and pushed her onto the floor. By this time, our siblings had heard her screaming and ran out of the bedroom to see what was happening. (1/2)

(2/2)

And the only thing anyone saw was me pushing her down and all they heard was her yelling as if I was beating her up. They looked at me as if I was insane and a monster and it completely broke me. All this and she wins. She got exactly what she wanted. Im seen as a monster after she mentally abused me. She knew I already struggled with severe anxiety and adhd, yet she still provoked in all the ways she knew would drive me absolutely insane. They all left immediately, my ex grabbing all her stuff with all the lights on with our siblings helping her grab it. I just sat there on the couch with adrenaline making me shake. They comforted her the whole entire time whilst I sat on the couch alone getting ignored by everyone. They all just left. I was there alone. Im still alone. She constantly talks about and occasionally posts about her “abusive ex”. Shes managed to convince everyone that im an abusive monster. All people need to see is a girl whos crying and has a few small bruises. I have one good friend who listens and understands me and my side of the story. She mentally messed me up for over a year and now on top of that everyone takes her side. I dont know how im supposed to heal from the mental torture and manipulation that I endured for over a year.