I don't think I can handle living as an ugly man.

lmea14 · 2021-10-21T14:00:54+00:00

There’s lots of reasons to live. Your worth isn’t defined by how successful you are with the opposite (or same, for that matter) sex.

SgtRinzler · 2021-10-21T18:05:30+00:00

Shave your head. Hit the gym. Grind at your job. Focus on yourself. Discipline yourself, not matter how hard it is. Improve 1% every day. Focus less on what others may think of you and turn yourself into the person you want to be. You can do it, guy. I believe in you.

CunningHamSlawedYou · 2021-10-21T17:40:54+00:00

I used to feel like this as well. I actually got girls in the end, but I didn't feel better, just more inadequate.

The turning point was when I realised that sex, marriage and stuff isn't everything. I can derive just as much, if not more pleasure from my hobbies, growing as a person, learning new skills etc.

I struggled to learn skills as well, but in hindsight I think being occupied with constant anxiety inducing thoughts made it hard to focus enough to read.

I went through therapy, and with practice I managed to learn skills to manage my mental health. That freed up mental resources I didn't know I had, and suddenly learning new things went a lot easier.

In my darkest days I could live for years without ever feeling worthy of anything, never experience joy or fun, people almost never interacted with me, I never made it past interview despite my qualifications. That reinforced the picture of me as an unlovable, unattractive, unemoloyable, boring person. Made it seem like the world had no room for me.

But nights doesn't last forever. You might have to take conscious and deliberate action to make it end, but you'll see the sun again. No matter how much pain you are in right now. Trust me.

I wrestled suicidal thoughts for years and was remitted to emergency psychiatry many times. The agony was too much to bear, and it didn't seem to have an end. So I lost hope again and again and thought about suicide.

But I simply refused to act on it. People had told me to kill myself all the time while growing up and I didn't want to give them the satisfaction. I stuck around from spite alone.

... which bought me enough time to learn that agony could end. I could feel happy, even if there was just for an instant. So I started to try to understand why I suddenly had felt happy. And the next time I felt happy I tried to understand again. And again. The more I looked at it, the more I saw. I learned to distance myself from my emotions and look at the with perspective. I learned to do the same with my anxiety. Why did my stomach just tense up? What triggered it? What happened up until that point? Why was that thing that just happened triggering?

Eventually I learned to think this way automatically, and most of my anxiety went away. Because I understood and accepted it, perhaps.

Some people seem to be born ready, people like us are late bloomers. I didn't learn to sing until I was nearly 30. I was awkward in social interactions for longer than that.

There's a reason you're not where you want to be. It's not that you're ugly, bad or because you are a loser. You have been through shit, and that messed you up. Now you're stuck picking up the pieces, but that won't last forever. My advice is, see a good therapist. DBT and CBT are good places to start. They're evidence based therapies that doesn't require you do remember or dig in your past. It's more like acquiring a mental tool set that you can use to manage your thoughts and emotions, which will help you by taking a load off your back so you have the strength to carry yourself the rest of the way.

I didn't receive much comfort as a kid, so I don't know if I'm good at it, but if you need a listening ear or some advice I'm happy to support you in any way I can, my man!

In the mean time, try to correct your posture. Poor posture isn't bad because it looks bad, the worst thing about it is that your posture is closely tied to your mood. Try to stay happy when your stomach is tight, your upper back and neck hurts and your shoulders are slumped. It's physically impossible! If you can achieve a straight, tall, relaxed posture you'll feel a lot better.

MrSpindre · 2021-10-21T19:35:19+00:00

Hi buddy, a lot of these things you mention can be fixed. Get your teeth fixed. Start working out to reduce your doughnuts, it will also rapidly improve your posture (honestly, 4 months of weigths training your core will get results noticed by others). If you are interested in learning a skill or instrument, pick something you like and run with it. You don't have to become a pro.

Last note, I noticed a long time ago that women tend to be more attracted to skill/competence than looks. Not saying looks don't matter, but if there is no substance many women detach rapidly.

redyrytnow · 2021-10-21T15:12:42+00:00

You are not the only person that feels this way. Believe it or not there are lots of men and women who do not find anything attractive about themselves. You are not the only person who think they are ugly. Your feelings of being unattractive is stopping you from interacting with other folks. I felt that way too. Then I realized that EVERONE else have feelings of inadequacy in something . Your feelings are the SAME as everyone else. Try complementing someone on something .

Now if you feel ugly fix the thigs that are fixable. Good haircut, have teeth fixed, go to the gym, wear nice clothes, always smell nice and smile alot. Make yourself interact with others.

Find something you like to do - and you should meet others who like the same thing. Get Busy

balwick · 2021-10-21T22:18:07+00:00

Live for yourself. See the world, do the things you want to do. And skills can always be worked on.

wolfoftheworld · 2021-10-22T06:06:19+00:00

I felt the same way around age 24. Most of my early 20's. So you are not alone.

Focusing on yourself and improving yourself is in your best interest. Because only you can take care you.

UnHope20 · 2021-10-21T18:19:41+00:00

It really sucks when you feel inadequate or unattractive. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. Do you want to talk about it?

LittleBreadBoio · 2021-10-21T20:20:10+00:00

and yet you are still alive and there is no threshold for how good looking you need to be. Attracting women is not the only goal in life. I feel just like you some days and trust me most guys feel this way because of a lot of media but really you can focus on so many other things in life.

happygloaming · 2021-10-23T20:09:02+00:00

Socrates was ugly......

DelRMi05 · 2021-12-07T15:11:06+00:00

What is really holding you back here. Is it your looks? Or is it really your self-esteem? I'm going to guess it's the latter. The first "secret" to finding actual love is finding it for yourself. Plenty of us are challenged in one way or another, but there's often more than one way to overcome it or own it. The weight and burden you have placed on yourself is extremely cumbersome. Society has a lot to do with that of course, but I'm here to tell you that everything you are describing is nothing that many have overcome.

I hate to see one of us suffering like this, so I'll offer My best advice. Start by defining yourself. Who do you want to be? What to you wish you were good at? And most importantly, what effort are you willing to put in? Start small. Always start small.

I know I'm a month late, but I hope we can take some of that pressure off.

Title	I don't think I can handle living as an ugly man.
Author	xXLampwyckXx
Upvotes	32
Comments	25
Date	October 21, 2021 12:52 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MenSupportMen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/qcr3qx/i_dont_think_i_can_handle_living_as_an_ugly_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/i-dont-think-i-can-handle-living-as-an-ugly-man.1082648 https://theredarchive.com/post/1082648