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I felt trapped with my misandrist ex-girlfriend, before breaking up

March 11, 2023

Disclaimer: I also posted this in another community and I hope it is ok, if not I will remove it. Due to the sensitivity around feminism it is sometimes difficult to communicate this to larger communities.

Other disclaimer: I am for giving the equal rights and conditions so that it is fair for women and man and so that both can thrive. I am just against the perpetual conflict that I have been living with a feminist and misandrist at home.

So, for the issue:

So, I (29M) have been for over a year with my (30F) ex girlfriend. We had a good chemistry. However, on a lot of things I could see we cannot align. At this time I have feelings for her and I am hurt but I am thinking it is for the best.

She has acute resentment for men. She had a bad experience when she was little and sees a therapist about this. I told her I condemn this and I will always be here to listen and try to help as much as I can.

However, this + her stereotypes on men are really making me burn out. As examples: if I ‘explain’ only something to her (which. She also does to me) I am accused of mansplaining. Whenever a man talks to her, and if it ends bad, she assumes it is because she is a woman. I told her it can happen, because misogynists exist, but it does not have to be always the case. She says it is because men in general will behave this way and think of women as objects. I tell her that I do not like these shortcuts of thought because indirectly she is including me in this. She won’t change her way of seeing things. The other day we had a fight and actually this time she attacked me just for being a man: we could bot go late somewhere so I did not want to go butt she wanted to go without me. I kindly asked of we could make a plan the two of us instead, since it was originally the plan (dance class every friday, and she showed up 40 minutes late after the beginning of the class). She answered that she would go without me anyway and that I should not give her orders high was NOT the case and NEVER my intention. When I confront her too that she mentions that us men think we can give orders to women. I did not know what to answer. It has become unbearable and I think we broke up. Ah, and before breaking up, she told me since I am not a feminist she does not see a future with me. She was also saying things like: “if I come home and I tell you a man spoke badly to me, for sure because I am a woman”, what would you say? I said it might be the case because misogynists exist but please try not always see it this way right? To which she answered that I am not feminist. Oh and btw she used this “is this because you are a white man’ a lot as a rhetoric. When it is completely random.

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Post Information
Title I felt trapped with my misandrist ex-girlfriend, before breaking up
Author hellocafe
Upvotes 47
Comments 26
Date March 11, 2023 9:05 AM UTC (8 months ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link
Original Link
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[–]a-man-from-earth 27 points28 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

She is toxic. You should not have to bear her bigotry. You are an individual and do not deserve to be held responsible for what other people do who happen to have similar genitals or skin color. Run and don't look back.

[–]hellocafe[S] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for your comment, helped me a lot… really

[–]a-man-from-earth 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're welcome, and all the best to you!

[–]Yesyesnaaooo 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Remember also that anyone who accuses you of being a white man - is actually accusing you of being a racist.

They are saying that somehow your masculinity is wrapped up in racist ideology - this is really unfair.

[–]hellocafe[S] 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

More context: - as I was saying she had bad experiences in the past - she places her views and ideology above everything, even above our relationship. I understand it is important for her but then we might not be compatible. - I feel my manliness is more and more judged. She questions everything I say and do and asks rhetoric questions such as “is this because you are a white male” It has become exhausting to even be myself.

[–]Cyb3rd31ic_Citiz3n 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She feels vulnerable and the feminist ideology grants her licence to that vulnerability being both a source of power and not to take responsibility for her actions.

She won't give this up easily because it ties into her world view and makes her feel good via the enpowermebnt. You can't change this in her, she will only continue to abuse you.

End that toxic relationship before you think of yourself as her punching bag.

[–]LoveTheGiraffe 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I feel this so much man. Recently broke up with my gf over 3 years for the same shit. I did everything for her, but I was still the bad guy, because I am a man. Every argument turned into a tirade against men and how I as a man am bad, that women have it always worse, etc. It wasn't always like this, but she made some very "woke" radical left friends and I think she just eats up what they are saying. She used more and more of their lingo, one time threw "fragile masculinty" at me in an argument that had nothing to do with me, because she thought it would hurt me. Like bitch I paint my nails, cuddle with my mail friends and have kissed other guys, I don't have any issues in expressing who I am, regardless what you think of my masculinity.

Get out of there bro. She sees you as the enemy. She wiill hurt you and make up excuses for it. It's not worth it. You deserve happiness and under no circumstances do you need to stick your neck out for a sexist rude and demeaning harpy.

[–]Eledridan 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She sounds awful and exhausting. Good for you for getting free, but sorry you had to slog through that hell.

[–]hellocafe[S] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Update: thank you so much everyone for your comments. We broke up this morning. I feel so sad and bad because I love her. She said that we could work this out, she would go to therapy, that if I loved her enough I would try at least, that she sees herself raising children with me but the problem is that with these beliefs I do not want that… I fear we are going more and more toxic… but at the same time with our last conversation she made me feel that I was the one wanting her out and not trying anything… I feel so bad it was so sad seeing her go. I have a feeling I made a mistake. I do not know what to do. She said she is going to therapy on Monday and maybe then we can work this out. She is going to write to me for sure. At the same time we had good connection… but I have the feeling these beliefs in the long term would put us appart…

[–]GltyUntlPrvnInncnt 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You did the right thing. It would've gotten even worse. One shouldn't plan a future with someone who hates you for what you are.

[–]Yesyesnaaooo 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You do want her out - own that because it is a valid emotion and one you have every right to act upon.

I normally council restraint and staying together in my advice to people who are in relationships but my recent experience tells me otherwise.

The only way my ex would ever get to a good place was by realising her actions had consequences, in our case, losing me.

I walked away, it was the hardest thing I ever did.

I blocked her for 6 months so my recovery wouldn't be affected by her.

It nearly broke her but we recently reconnected and she thanked me because it was only by losing something was she forced into a reckoning with her darkness.

Don't make the mistake of trying to fix her or save her after you break up - she has no more right to any of your emotional labour and giving it to her unreturned will only drag you down.

Respect yourself. Respect your future. Live well and live clean. You're clearly a good person to have stayed with her for so long.

[–]Andreomgangen 13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you were black and she hated all black people would you have made excuses for this long ?

[–]idkwtfgoinon 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Brother leave her and block her immediately before she ruin yo life

[–]Yesyesnaaooo 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Second comment to add - this for anyone who needs to hear this.

Lots of partners say they support you but only very few actually support you like they say that they do.

This is also a good prism to analyse not only your partners behaviour but your own within a relationship.

Actual support is very different to verbal support. Words aren't enough.

[–]EricAllonde 23 points24 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Life's too short to date a feminist.

You're much better off without her. Find a girlfriend who doesn't hate men.

[–]hellocafe[S] 7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much for your comment. The way she talks I have the feeling I am always wrong and I have a feeling I am losing a bit of myself everyday to avoid conflicts

[–]a-man-from-earth 10 points11 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

That's no way to live. You deserve being appreciated.

[–]hellocafe[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thank you. I feel so sad and broken, because we broke up (I wrote an update in comments) but we had also some connection (obviously it would not have lasted 1 year), and we had plans. Hurts so much. I guess it is normal though

[–]ChrongrariusWimble 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sorry if this sounds insensitive, but: you may be upset now, but before long you'll be glad she's gone.

Use this experience as a guide to know what NOT to look for in a partner.

Your deserve someone who appreciates you for who you are. You shouldn't have to defend your identity to your partner.

[–]a-man-from-earth 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, that is completely normal. Give yourself time to mourn and heal.

[–]MirtfulOwl 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey man! I’m sorry to hear. Just some words of encouragement: I’ve been there and it sucks.

I eventually told her I wasn’t in love with her and we decided to break up. I chose to frame it from this perspective instead of bringing up her (and her friends’) misandry.

Best advice I can give is don’t touch the subject and move on. You can do this 💪🏻

[–]Yesyesnaaooo 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dude. Run. I know this is hard to hear, but run.

It's like if you were a POC but were dating a racist.

[–]VeganGuy001 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Classic gaslighting here:

she would go to therapy, that if I loved her enough I would try at least

Easy to say now that you left.

Same happened to me a year ago. She turned into a full on internet misandrist to a point I could predict what would be her next tantrum by following certain feminist Facebook pages. Same rhetoric and terms were brought few days later after a male-bashing post. Tried all I could but it didn't work and now I can see why: these people don't see themselves as part of the problem. They think they are always right and someone with this mindset won't be open to change.

Broke up and it felt wrong for a long time. Couldn't be better now and I strongly advice you to hold your opinion, totally worth it in every aspect possible.

My life pro tip is: learn to spot and do not date misandrists.

[–]krozeus 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Run.. or you will regret later. She will drain you and you will break down little by little until you die of heart attack or suicide. You don't want to bring children into such a family. I would feel very sorry for the children. Don't create a negative cycle.

[–]AskingToFeminists [score hidden]  (0 children) | Copy Link

"Baby I know I hurt you but I promise I can change" is particularly standard as a line by abusers.

Do you think it is normal or acceptable, let alone loving, to be judged based on your sex or race ?

Do you think she would stand it for one second if you were to say a 10th of what she does to you? Were you to say "of course you would react that way, women are irrational, it is known", she would kindly put up with it? If she wouldn't put up with it from you, why should you put up with it from her? (And even if she would, should you have to?)

that if I loved her enough I would try at least

You loving her is not something that she's owed. It is something that she earns. Is her behaviour really looking like someone who loves you? Wouldn't someone who loves you not judge you based on the actions of other people? It doesn't look like love, more like entitlement and convenience

at the same time with our last conversation she made me feel that I was the one wanting her out and not trying anything

Well, from what you said, she doesn't sound that much enclined to questioning herself, and she probably see nothing wrong with her blatant sexism. She would probably not even agree that it is sexism. So,obviously, she would feel like the issue is coming from you. Particularly during breakups, where emotions run high and everyone seeks to put the blame on the other as much as possible.

I feel so bad it was so sad seeing her go.

Breakups are hard. But you have to come to terms with who she is, rather than who you wish she'd be if only her therapy actually went somewhere and she started to question her abhorrent beliefs. And right now, that woman is in no capacity to have a loving relationship with any man. How can she love someone she is not able to separate from the whole category?

Trust me, you're better off alone than with someone who treats you that way.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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