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I just lost every bit of understanding I ever thought to have about women

radboi001
September 16, 2021
48 upvotes
/r/MenSupportMen

I just can't anymore.

Over the course of the last few weeks I have been teasing and a bit if flirting with a girl i met at uni. Apparently I was very obvious about it so she got my intentions. A few days ago she then basically preventively rejected me (fair einough - its her right to do so) with the typical I want to keep our friendship talk.

While we had that talk she admitted that she had had an interest in me as well and was flirting with me (which i didn't realize - because I'm oblivious) until not even three days before the rejection. Also she told me that she wanted it to work between us.

I just don't know anymore. She knew how i felt towards her, she shared the interest and decided to not do anything about it and then reject me.

How do women even work, if not even the knowledge of mutual interest gets them to do something... Anyways - rant over

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Title I just lost every bit of understanding I ever thought to have about women
Author radboi001
Upvotes 48
Comments 34
Date September 16, 2021 8:19 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/i-just-lost-every-bit-of-understanding-i-ever.1070165
https://theredarchive.com/post/1070165
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/pp96ms/i_just_lost_every_bit_of_understanding_i_ever/
Comments

[–]LettuceBeGrateful 17 points18 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Some people are fickle. I know you were into her, but think of it this way: if she couldn't even commit to one story before you guys started dating, imagine how frustrating it must be to communicate with her in an intimate relationship. She's probably one of those people who expects you to read her mind and "just know" what she wants. Bullet dodged.

[–]radboi001[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, If it is this confusing already at this point it would not have gotten any better.

[–]gu3miles 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You're both young and learning about your emotions. Maybe she did have surface interest and as she got to know you more realized the passionate spark wasn't there. That's happened to me.

But also you two are really young. I def would not think you represent how all men work, and mature women would also hope that a 20 something doesn't represent how all women work either.

[–]Oncefa2 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yep this is basically what I came here to say. It's a learning experience.

As crappy as gender norms are and as much as I think we need to fight against them, the only piece of advice I would add is that next time OP try jumping on the opportunity a little sooner.

As a rule women wait on men and many become frustrated when men don't make a move. Sometimes that's what kills a relationship -- it's interpreted as disinterest or as not being confident, both of which are unattractive.

Don't look at it like a puzzle you have to solve though. Everyone is different and every situation is going to be different.

This is also just a general life lesson. Sometimes you have to jump on opportunities when they arise. And when you don't, they're gone forever. Lots of people have missed opportunities in life also, so don't beat yourself up over it. Learn from it and move on.

[–]piercena15 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There's a lot at play here and the only thing I can say is own your half of what happened. If you like her and want a relationship be clear about it. "I like you and want to be in relationship with you" is enough. No explaining necessary. She will feel that directness and respond to you directly because of it. "I like you and want to make this work" is vague, which means she felt she could be vague with you. Women The Feminine energy plays inside of whatever boundaries it is granted. Sure up your boundaries. She may say no, but you'll have asked clearly what you desire from her and be able to look at yourself in the mirror. This is the key to your work as a masculine energetic force. If you'd like to chat more about this, DM me. I'm here for you brother ✊🏼

[–]gratis_eekhoorn 8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Maybe she has found a better (in her opinion no mean to insult you) option and demoted you to "just friends".

[–]radboi001[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

See, that's something I was thinking as well. It's just a bit weird since I wouldn't habe gotten my hopes up anyways if she hadn't been flirting.

[–]Carkudo 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's just a bit weird

It really isn't. She liked you and then she found someone she liked even more, so she discarded you. The connection you had, if any, was only as valuable as you are to her, and the moment you ceased to be valuable to her, so did the connection.

[–]Arguesovereverythin 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Time will definitely make things clear. She might just need some time to sort out her feelings. If you keep your friendship it's possible it could evolve over time into something better.

But if you see her flirting/dating another guy, then it's obvious that she is setting you up to be option B.

Don't let anyone waste your time. You can never get that back.

[–]radboi001[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, to be honest I don't really think the last word is spoken yet in this Situation. The ball however is in her court now, since I will not make any advances on someone who already rejected me. Staying friends is the pragmatic option anyways since we see each other each day.

I mean, if she does that, I know where I stand that's for sure.

[–]Terminal-Psychosis 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

She wants all the benefits of you being her "boyfriend" without doing anything to earn it. Basically, pure manipulation.

Don't fall for it. She's not a friend, and the last thing you want is to play the roll of her girlfriend.

If she wants things to "work out", that means dating, otherwise, fade out of her life. There are more worthy women out there that aren't just out for what they can get without returning any of it.

Most often, if you call their bluff, they drop the act and will be interested again. And if not, no great loss.

[–]Skirt_Douglas 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

While I think the people saying “next time make a move earlier” are giving good general advice, I don’t think you should beat yourself up as if you botched this one, because there is a good chance it was never meant to be. Just because she was flirting with you doesn’t mean she was interested in committing to relationship, some people just like flirting and feeling desired.

My advice is to turn your gaze to new horizons; move on and don’t over think the shoulda-coulda-wouldas of this situation. If taking 3 weeks was enough to make her lose interest in you, then she was never really that interested in you in the first place. Which means, you’re not really losing anything here because there probably nothing to be gained. You don’t want to be with a girl who is just kind of ambivalent about being with you, it’s always better to be with a girl who cares about you enough to put in at least a little effort or just wait 3 weeks.

[–]wh_atsuperother10_9 14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I don't believe there's a way that women work per se; women, like men, aren't some kind of riddle to be solved, you know.

[–]radboi001[S] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Might need to rephrase it: I would have thought if one of the persons involved knows that it is mutual and wants it to work, I'd have thought that that person would do something about it then.

[–]wh_atsuperother10_9 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I actually agree with you; I think the way you worded it didn't do you justice, but you've made yourself clearer now. :)

[–]DelRMi05 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

The human brain doesn't even finish developing until our mid-20's. People are still finding themselves in college. I recall plenty of examples in My college years where similar situations would occur. This person may even be confused about what they want. Sometimes it can be a little more devious, but in many cases their confusion can come across as hurtful and/or confusing to you.

I would recommend distancing yourself a bit emotionally. until you can approach it with a clear mind and maybe this person will figure out what they want. They also might have trouble communicating their feelings as well so just be mindful of that.

Hang in there OP. Being here and checking in with your emotions is a huge positive. I applaud you for that!

[–]radboi001[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

It helps to hear that other people had the same experience. And of course thank you for the kind words. I think much of what you said is pretty fitting, so I'll see what happens in the end. At least I know for (99%) sure that she didn't intend to hurt me. A bit of distance until I had time to think and she had time to fugure herselfs out is planned at least. Communication is probably neither her nor my strong suite regarding these topics (if it was this whole Situation might have been avoided) but at least I am trying my best and hopefully she is as well.

[–]DelRMi05 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You're very welcome. Some advice based on what I wish I new during My late high school and college years. I tended to invest a lot of emotion into My relationships and if I did it again, I wouldn't invest nearly as much energy (Note: This does not mean I wouldn't care). I would simply be more passive and not stress about a lot of the situations I found Myself in. A lot of college relationships end by the time school is over, and during this time where everyone is figuring things out, it may not be worth it unless you find a a really good match. If you put the energy into being a good person and having fun relationships can also happen more naturally. I hope that makes sense, I'm not saying not to pursue relationships. I just think sometimes we can put too much pressure on ourselves.

[–]radboi001[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks. That's what I wish to do anyways. My problem is that I tend to not have a crush that often, but if I do it's hard. Also she was one of those persons where I just instantly knew it is (would have been) a good fit. But my main focus always has to be finding good friends and working on myself, so I just have to keep that up and maybe learn something from this experience.

[–]DelRMi05 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m in My thirties and still learning. Keep up that attitude. You’re doing fine.

[–]a-man-from-earth 5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

It's possible that you waited too long and that your hesitancy to ask her out turned her off. Or her "let's just be friends" is a shit test to try to get you to commit to either romance or friendship.

[–]radboi001[S] 4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

See, what I don't get is that if she "wanted it to work", and she was the one knowing that it is a mutual thing (as i said, i didn't know that). Why didn't she do anything about that?

[–]a-man-from-earth 4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

This is the thing with traditional gender roles (which still very much rule dating, no matter how much women's lib there has been). The initiative is expected to come from the man.

It sucks, but it's the world we live in.

[–]radboi001[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, she probably didn't want to expose herself to the risk of being rejected, however unlikely.

[–]animesainthilare 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

They only want traditional gender roles in place when it suits them, go figure.

[–]Interesting_Doubt_17 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This shows us how contradictory can we (human beings) possibly be!

[–][deleted]  (5 children) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–]a-man-from-earth[M] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

You don't get to put down other users here. Comment removed as rule 1 and 2 violation.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–]a-man-from-earth[M] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

When your first appearance on our sub includes throwing shade on other users here who are trying to help, then yes, I have every right as mod to remove your comment.

And if you then turn around and start calling me names, then you are no longer welcome here.

[–]Arguesovereverythin 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

good job!

[–]radboi001[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Of course I will make it. :)

I just need to vent somewhere because I am very much confused.

[–]quesadilla_dinosaur 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That type of uncertainty is a red flag in a relationship. Do you really want to woman who would treat you like that?

Ask yourself this before you contemplate about how “women” work because trust me, and every other woman out there, they are all very very different and there are plenty who know for sure what they want.

[–]DanteMorello 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not sure if I understood everything correctly. But usually women want the men to make the first meaningful steps. You should work on being oblivious about signals.

A girl flirting with you like this will happen multiple times in your life and you should prepare for the next time to be ready. A lesson lived is a lesson learned. We all have been there at some point.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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