I don't want to be here to bleed all over everyone. But I really don't know who I can talk to about this.
I have one child. When he was just 9, his mother and I were at the end of a 16 year relationship and a 10 year marriage.
I will not bore you with divorce details. To sum up, she (legally) kidnapped him and took him away. I had to fight for 50/50 custody and it bankrupted me but I won in court.
His mother (a very intelligent and mentally ill woman) has been working him for years to make me the villain and herself a Madonna figure. I stopped trying to defend myself because it was causing him intense stress. To illustrate the point, she sat him down and had him read all the text messages between her and I from just after she kidnapped him and I was a wreck. She taunted me in those texts with his custody and how I was going to pay her forever, but I am sure those texts were conveniently deleted from her phone when he read them.
I let him think I was the bad guy if he needed to. I wouldn't defend myself. He is the last person in the world who should be required to make a judgement about which of his parents was the most holy in their divorce. That is fucked up.
But he has been getting abusive. If anyone but my son had stuck his finger in my face while screaming at me, I would have broken their arm and planted their face in the dirt. I just endured. I know my younger brothers were total dicks to my Mom during my parents divorce even though she didn't earn it. She is a good women and her son's apologized later and asked forgiveness. I have tried to follow her example.
But he is 15 now. He is obsessed with my politics. I am pretty much a Centrist with a leftist social/sexual bend and a right wing fiscal/accountability bend. And I am going to tell you that I am bisexual because it pertains to the story.
Despite my history, apparently I am a transphobe because I believe than any adult should be allowed to do anything they want with their bodies, but allowing 12 year olds to have SRS is too radical.
He is SO furious that I was informed by screaming that I am alt right. He has been on this obsession for well over a year now. Nothing I do or say is acceptable.
I reminded him that most bisexual men who have had long term personal and intimate relationships in their past with transgendered individuals would be more likely to be hung by the alt right than recruited by them. I was accused of using the 'black friend' defense.
I am repeatedly told I am a 'shitty parent'. He seals himself in his room for my visitation weeks and treats me with disdain. Yes, I know, the obvious apparent answer is that he wants to transition. But I have had the conversation with him several times now and let him know that if he is having thoughts that he is not male I wont judge and I will get him into counseling with professionals, even if that means he goes full SRS. He says no. I tell him I will love him either way and he still says no.
I am not a pushover and I have exercised a lot of patience for many years. But this is getting worse and worse. I may be at the point I tell him that unless I get a sincere apology from him, he can remain with his mother full time.
Maybe the last thing I ever get to teach him is how a decent man finally draws a line when all other options are exhausted.
I really wish I could cry about his. It hurts worse than even my divorce did. It hurts worse than when my dad kicked the shit out of me as a kid. It hurts more than I can ever recall hurting.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.
UPDATE 3/23: I have been contacted by ex to get his insurance info for his new counselor. That means my son has agreed to counseling. That is good news. I might eventually be able to reach him through a professional.
I have put my foot down and told her not until I know who the counselor is and have a chance to vette them. The last counselor I did not vette properly (you are in terror with your kid's acute issue) and my son paid for it.
He isn't threatening self harm in any way. He has never had any symptoms of anything like that. A day or two delay will not harm him and rushing this can be a minefield. His problem is a rage spiral and both he and I will survive a day or two delay.
I will not delay the vetting, but I will have a chance to double check credentials and get a quick conversation with the good counselor. I can do that in a day or so when I have the name and contact info.
I really appreciate your guy's support. I am a Gen Xer and I don't know the protocol to express my thanks to men who support me with kind words and good advice because I never learned it. But thank you.