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I ruined my life and i am close on giving up

July 8, 2022

Sorry if somethings unclear, english isnt my first language. (** during the same period)

Im (23M) My whole life i was being stomped on. Parents havent really put their time on me as a kid and havent really taught me how to deal with life. Whenever i had a problem theyd just give negative comments, even if i did something good. Like one time i bought something nice for myself that i liked and went to show them theyd just say something like " good now break it" like in a meaning that i dont know how to keep stuff.

** Friends were total ass to me. I cant even call them friends tbh. I am depressed for a good few years now and always had suicidal thoughts whenever im really down bad. Tried reaching for them to get support i only got "Nah you wont do it you a p**y or Go on then do it" as a response.

**The only person that was giving me support was my Girlfriend. She was there for me whenever i was down bad. But i f'd the relationship up by cheating on her. I had a gambling issue and was nervous at all times and never took it out on her. She pushed me away with her toxic behaviour which led me on to cheat. I regreted that so much and still do. We broke up and got back together and tried to fix the relationship, she told me she forgives me but proves otherwise everytime because we get in alot of fights easily when shes in a bad mood. She left me today by just finding a random reason from the cheat to let me go. She was the only thing that was really keeping me alive and giving me hope.

** From the gambling issue, i worked at a casino until recently. Over the couple of months i was gambling intensively and got in debt 2 times in total of 2000$. Doesnt look much but in my countrys standard its hard to survive while paying of the debt. So i tool a credit loan of 3000$ to pay it off and have something on the side. And few days later everything went to hell. The day when my grandma died was the same day someone tricked me in a tense situation on a casino payout, i gave him the money twice 700$ in total 1400$. I was crushed i was finally out of casino debt and was about to quit the job and find another better job.

So i stayed there to pay off. One day casino player comes and me being naive and in need of money fast gets me to give him credits as a loan on a roulette, he wins 6000$ and we split the money. I pay off everything and i got kind of hooked, like a demon got into me, i shouldve quit thr job right there and then but i wasnt thinking. Next day same dude came in, we do the same thing but this time we f ed up big time. -37.000$. We couldnt get out of it. Guy dissapears and i am in shock. I didnt know where i was,what am doing,whats my name,nothing, i was ready to kill my self. Call my gf tell her about it and she came to support me, we go off at hers and we drank alcohol cried to each other about everything that has happened the cheat,the casino debt, our relationship and at one moment like i smapped. Crying ran to the kitchen and grabbed the knife, girlfriend knew what was about to do so she came running to prevent me to kms. we wrestled over the knife and she bested me cuz i was drunker then ever, locked up everything sharp in a room and hid the key.

Right now, i am all alone and in huge debt and tried to kill my self. I've put the knife up to my throat and started pressing, falling apart crying i put the knife down and poured some drink.

I need advice. Day by day i am falling apart. I dont see an exit. The wages are too low to work my a$$ out of debt quick in a few years, i am stuck paying it off for the next 20 years.

I have no skill that i can sell No high paying job that i can apply. No support Eating barely, one meal a day sometimes two, since i live with my dad and he barely has enough money to buy food and pay rent with little that he earns and i cant get a job until the company doesnt fire me officially. I am barely doing the bare minimum about myself, stuck in 4 walls in dark 24-7

I am broken

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[–]empathylion 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Hey look , we both know that you fucked up. But this doesn't mean that your decision making up to this point is what will define the rest of your life.

You can blame your parents/ upbringing and your friends all you want but to be honest with you , that doesn't change the past nor is it likely to make your present or future better. I'm not discounting their effect on you, I'm just saying that they're not going to "fix" you. Making yourself and your situation better is on you.

Now here you need to get the help that you can get and you've done a good first step by reaching out on Reddit. It'll be extremely difficult to move forward just on your own as you've experienced.

A good first thing to get support with is your gambling problem. There's probably a subreddit out there for gambling addicts that I highly suggest you look for. Also look for gambling support groups in your area.

Another thing to get support with is this debt issue. Idk anything about gambling but perhaps either you can make a deal to pay a significantly lower amount or if there was some malicious manipulation involved - get a lawyer to help you out. Again, idk about this but perhaps the gambling support group can help .

Regarding the gf, honestly, I recommend focusing on just being good friends. She's clearly been there for you in some of your darkest times so she cares about you. But it seems to be that you may not fully grasp how much it hurt her for you to cheat. She probably has a hard time trusting you and seeing you gamble isn't exactly trust affirming. So focus on friendship, building trust, putting yourself in her shoes. Be a good person to her. Honestly supportive friendships at this point are way more important than sex and romance

Regarding money , no one's born with skills and knowledge that people are willing to pay for. You have to develop it. Idk where you are in the world and what's available to you. Perhaps a good start is to look for local employment agencies. In my area they tend to be government funded and they help you get educated and employed. Good luck.

[–]depressedknuckle[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks for the answer,

But this doesn't mean that your decision making up to this point is what will define the rest of your life.

I'm not saying for decision making that defines it, but the casino fuck up has set me a debt for basically entire life, at one point in life i could've bought a house with that money but now that wont be ever available unless i find out how to make more money than average pay and be able to pay it out quickly.

Gambling is basically over for me, i cut off my friends who are hard gamblers, usuall spot for hangouts were casino caffes and youd get intrusive thoughts and waste money or win. Im staying away from those places avoiding it ever since and it hasn't crossed my mind from that point. I'm hoping to get an agreement with the casino company to pay significantly lower amount it would help alot but it seems to me that it wont happen they'll try and push the full amount.

Regarding money , no one's born with skills and knowledge that people are willing to pay for. You have to develop it.

True, no one's born with skills and it has to be developed. Jobs that i once thought as a younger me would eventually work at, wont ever happen because there is basically no entry-level job recruitements ever happening, but how do you get year or two experiance without work :|. I was always a lunatic for computers and tech but never seem to find an appropriate skill to develop that my mind can find it easy to understand. For example coding, i tried Unity3D so many times and to develop a game, lots of ideas lots of failed projects because once you hit a certain spot where you dont know how to go forward without proper code you stop. I've read their manual watched hundreds of tutorials, never ever understood the UnityCSharp language and could never write code of my own.

Idk where you are in the world and what's available to you. Perhaps a good start is to look for local employment agencies. In my area they tend to be government funded and they help you get educated and employed. Good luck.

Even i dont know whats available for me and don't know where to start looking. But i hope i will find out soon.

[–]empathylion 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I understand that the debt fucks over plans for home ownership but might you be over-exaggerating how long it'll take the pay the debt ? 37k is a lot but houses , at least where I'm at are easily 20x more expensive. If you were planning to get a home, you'll need to be making more money either way. You've just got a 37k sized bump in the road to go through.

If you take a look at subs like r/personalfinance and other money management subs, you can take a look at many accounts of people with sizable debts and how they handled it. That may give you some hope, some ideas and some support to help you get through this. Do yourself a favour though and ignore the posts that say " I make 100k at 18 doing onlyfans with 0 debt , what do I do with my money". Nothing good, at least for me, comes from reading that stuff. I'd be surprised btw if there weren't subs directly about paying off debts - look for them.

I'm glad to hear you're strongly against gambling now! Look, just because those intrusive thoughts haven't happened doesn't mean that they won't. At some point they will. Do you have a plan for when they do ? How will you handle your emotions ? Who will you call and talk to for support ? Do you fully know what your triggers were before to gamble ?

Typically, shitty circumstances and shitty moods can get people to break whatever commitments they've made before. If you can identify what those are and could be for you and have a plan for dealing with them when they find- you'll be seeing yourself for a much much much higher degree of success and resilience.

Idk much regarding coding but I'm aware that there's several guides out there on learning code on coding and programming subreddits. Take a look at those. I believe some are even free or low cost. Don't expect to learn it easily though. If it was easy the pay would be low. Some things come a little bit easier to some than others, sure, but it's not easy either way.

When it comes to careers I like to think about what problems I like to solve. So I suggest you consider that. What problems in the world do you want to solve ? What problems aren't being solved or need help ?

Perhaps with that in mind you then reconsider gaming. So so your own research but from what I've seen- that's a field that's really saturated and a pain in the ass to work in.

I hope I've given you some more ideas on where to look. With regards to non- online support - look for community centres in your area. Typically libraries have a lot of information to help people and can refer you to other city services like employment and education assistance.

[–]Dolorous-Edd15 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’m not sure what to tell you, man. Other than that I’m sorry this is how things have gone down for you. Are there not any other places you can work than the casino?

[–]depressedknuckle[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can find another job but not until they officially fire me, it is yet to be decided if they are going to sue me unless we settle on an agreement to pay the full amount. Its alot of money anf with these low pays im trying to negotiate to pay them only the taxes but how things are going its not gonna happen that way.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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