Sorry if somethings unclear, english isnt my first language. (** during the same period)
Im (23M) My whole life i was being stomped on. Parents havent really put their time on me as a kid and havent really taught me how to deal with life. Whenever i had a problem theyd just give negative comments, even if i did something good. Like one time i bought something nice for myself that i liked and went to show them theyd just say something like " good now break it" like in a meaning that i dont know how to keep stuff.
** Friends were total ass to me. I cant even call them friends tbh. I am depressed for a good few years now and always had suicidal thoughts whenever im really down bad. Tried reaching for them to get support i only got "Nah you wont do it you a p**y or Go on then do it" as a response.
**The only person that was giving me support was my Girlfriend. She was there for me whenever i was down bad. But i f'd the relationship up by cheating on her. I had a gambling issue and was nervous at all times and never took it out on her. She pushed me away with her toxic behaviour which led me on to cheat. I regreted that so much and still do. We broke up and got back together and tried to fix the relationship, she told me she forgives me but proves otherwise everytime because we get in alot of fights easily when shes in a bad mood. She left me today by just finding a random reason from the cheat to let me go. She was the only thing that was really keeping me alive and giving me hope.
** From the gambling issue, i worked at a casino until recently. Over the couple of months i was gambling intensively and got in debt 2 times in total of 2000$. Doesnt look much but in my countrys standard its hard to survive while paying of the debt. So i tool a credit loan of 3000$ to pay it off and have something on the side. And few days later everything went to hell. The day when my grandma died was the same day someone tricked me in a tense situation on a casino payout, i gave him the money twice 700$ in total 1400$. I was crushed i was finally out of casino debt and was about to quit the job and find another better job.
So i stayed there to pay off. One day casino player comes and me being naive and in need of money fast gets me to give him credits as a loan on a roulette, he wins 6000$ and we split the money. I pay off everything and i got kind of hooked, like a demon got into me, i shouldve quit thr job right there and then but i wasnt thinking. Next day same dude came in, we do the same thing but this time we f ed up big time. -37.000$. We couldnt get out of it. Guy dissapears and i am in shock. I didnt know where i was,what am doing,whats my name,nothing, i was ready to kill my self. Call my gf tell her about it and she came to support me, we go off at hers and we drank alcohol cried to each other about everything that has happened the cheat,the casino debt, our relationship and at one moment like i smapped. Crying ran to the kitchen and grabbed the knife, girlfriend knew what was about to do so she came running to prevent me to kms. we wrestled over the knife and she bested me cuz i was drunker then ever, locked up everything sharp in a room and hid the key.
Right now, i am all alone and in huge debt and tried to kill my self. I've put the knife up to my throat and started pressing, falling apart crying i put the knife down and poured some drink.
I need advice. Day by day i am falling apart. I dont see an exit. The wages are too low to work my a$$ out of debt quick in a few years, i am stuck paying it off for the next 20 years.
I have no skill that i can sell No high paying job that i can apply. No support Eating barely, one meal a day sometimes two, since i live with my dad and he barely has enough money to buy food and pay rent with little that he earns and i cant get a job until the company doesnt fire me officially. I am barely doing the bare minimum about myself, stuck in 4 walls in dark 24-7
I am broken