~ archived since 2018 ~

I’m gonna put down how I feel and all I want is to not be judged and criticized for it. So….here it goes.

March 1, 2022

I don’t think I can do it anymore.

The runarounds.

I just know going to Urologist A is a waste of time.

Just like Urologist B.

He won’t know what to do. He won’t fix my problems. And even the things he said he could do, he’s reluctant on doing so.

Even if he did do those things would I really want to be stuck with him?

I don’t. Because other urologists won’t see me then.

Maybe they won’t see me anyway. I don’t know. But he won’t help me.

He won’t.

The only thing I’ll come back with is another headache. And another hit. And looking at where I am right now, I don’t think I can take that.

Not without snapping or going insane.

I feel terrible all the time.

That I refuse to live but also that I might be too scared to kill myself.

I’m scared of a lot of things.

I can easily get triggered. The physical and mental pain is unbearable. I’m barely surviving.

Hope is scarce. I can barely stand to get out of bed let alone leave my room or go outside or go anywhere.

I can’t talk to anyone either. Even if they are helpful they won’t stay long. Not only will they not hold my hand, they’ll just simply leave a few messages and say their goodbyes and wishes.

That’s it.

And everything I’m feeling and everything I’ve done and haven’t done.

I’ve been called selfish, a liar, crazy, delusional, paranoid, nuts, that I deserve to burn. And suffer.

And that I deserve everything that happened to me and more.

Others or the people around here will tell me to cut my losses and move on but I can’t. I simply can’t.

So they’ll lash out or they’ll leave. Or both. Because I can’t fit in anymore. Because I don’t fit in anymore.

I can tell that I’ll die by the end of the year. I may even die before the next month rolls around. And there may be no way out of here but I still try to keep my hope up sometimes even over the worry of denying what’s right in front of me.

I can’t stop thinking that I am just a monster or an asshole. A person who deserve to die or be stuck here.

My body, my perception of the world, my mental health, my brain, may be permanently damaged.


And it’s hard to cope with any of it.

This may simply be the end of the road for me. I tried and tried and tried despite others saying I didn’t try hard enough.

I’m done with others putting words in my mouth, making assumptions about me. And yet I still crave approval and contact with anyone, begging people for help.

I’m tired of begging too. So since I think it’s not worth it to vent out to others, I keep it to myself.

Why bother….

I might never be able to deal with the outside world again. I really do feel like garbage and that all hope of recovery is gone.

And people can say it’s not like that. The same old lines of hope over and over. But at the end of the day I’m still here. And every good thing I ever did is slowly being erased.

I’m sorry but I don’t see things ending well for me. I just see all of this as a waste of time.

I might as well cancel the Urologist A appointment before the 8th. So I can save myself the headache. And the heartache.

I know I still have to go outside to make calls soon. But until then, I’d rather just lay here.

(This is truly how I feel)

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Post Information
Title I’m gonna put down how I feel and all I want is to not be judged and criticized for it. So….here it goes.
Author BlackoutWalksAlone
Upvotes 21
Comments 7
Date March 1, 2022 9:04 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]Mrdickle 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Im sorry man. Is it prostate Cancer? Or just morbid reality getting to you?

[–]BlackoutWalksAlone[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I’m not sure. I can’t even get in touch with a urologist anymore

[–]Mrdickle 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Im curious. How are the good things you have done being erased?

[–]BlackoutWalksAlone[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

It’s hard to explain. The best way I can say it is that I’ve been stuck this way for so long that I know possibly any chance of recovery is probably next to zero at this point.

On top of feeling bad about myself and blaming mainly me for all of this happening. This happens all the time

[–]Mrdickle 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ah. I can't say I understand exactly what you are going through since we all have our own unique experiences with life.

Sometimes life is suffering though and that is always unpleasant. What it comes down to though are, what are things we can control. I know its easier said than done. But sometimes we just need to take things day by day, hour by hour, and do what we can in the moment to try to make our lives and the people around us just a little bit nicer and to try to learn and move on from our mistakes to be better in the moment.

As for the health issues idk if you are in a massive amount of pain or not physically but i can tell how bad your pain is emotionally. Just know some random stranger out there believes in you and hopefully you can come to a semblance of peace before you pass on to whatever is next.

Stoicism has helped me a little bit. Maybe try exploring Zen to help collect your mind.

Marcus Aurelius "Meditations" gives good insights on stoicism and how to collect your thoughts.

Just know you are not alone brother and if you want to talk feel free to DM im open to any subject.

[–]Sh3master -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I do not know what is your health issue. But I am sure that an urologist won't treat depression. For this would be better to try with a psychologyst

[–]andrejmlotko 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Look, I'm just guessing about what your expwriences are for real,but hope you won't getupset if I'd recommend that you go see a psychologist and maybe take some mood-boosting pills.

I have been through a lot of self-hatred and depression feeling paranoid and delusional,but that truth wasI needed just a little boost nad that to convince myself of changing my mind about myself and NOT TO THINK WITH OTHERPEOPLES MINDS, cause I can't possibly know what other think of me. Therefore, while taking pills I had a slow, took several months, recovery in my mind and meanwhile I took up meditation daily, eating regularly and doing things I really enjoy,also trying out things I always wanted.

Get back to me, after you read this.Would like to hear how you're doing.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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