Is it unfair for me to bring up past wrongs that my father has done to me constantly?

LeftInside6155777 · 2021-11-07T03:59:43+00:00

Is it possible for you guys to see a family therapist?

Damsa_draws_stuff · 2021-11-07T08:56:11+00:00

Keep in mind that he will need as much time to process what you said to him as you needed to come to the conclusion of what he did to harm you. Realising you harmed your child is painful, so he probably doesn't want to admit that to himself, so he'll always dismiss it at first.

It's not wrong to bring it up, but if you want it to be constructive, I'd say you should be more tactical about it. Mention it at the right moments, when there is room for further conversation, and not all guns blazing spitting out everything he did when you're in an argument. Be understanding, but firm, when he goes to dismiss it, stop him and say that you've already processed through this, it's done, it's in the past, but you just need him to acknowledge that he wasn't a perfect father.

Hope this helps

Affectionate-Sock-62 · 2021-11-07T15:11:07+00:00

It's... not appropriate, as my therapist would say. Not wrong or unfair.

You already noticed it, does bringing it up has done anything for you? Will he go to the past and change what happened? If he suddenly changed into a completely different person would it fix how you feel?

At some point we can look at our parents and feel sad for them rather than angry. We can be grateful for all they did, because in their own twisted way they did the best with what they had. It's not hard to imagine how they learned to be that way; it's they way they were treated when they grew up and now they just repeat it. And likewise we will be like that to our children.

It's not what they did didn't had an impact on us, but we can know they are not the ones who can fix it. We are. And in doing so we shape ourselves as the person we want to become.

dirtyredsweater · 2021-11-07T13:32:09+00:00

It's not wrong to bring it up, but if he is unable or unwilling to do the work to make the old wrongs right, then you have to prioritize your feelings and get those unmet needs met, elsewhere.

happygloaming · 2021-11-08T17:38:55+00:00

Tell him you'll make a deal with him, that he has to sit with you and allow you to get it all out one time. Then you agree that it won't creep into daily life, that you won't blind side him constantly with the past out side of an agreed occasion to do so.

EgalitarianFacts · 2021-11-07T03:20:40+00:00

No. He must acknowledge wrongdoing, apologize and make amends. When someone doesn't do this and you forgive them, you're giving them permission to continue to hurt you.

Self Respect is more important than any relationship.

Title	Is it unfair for me to bring up past wrongs that my father has done to me constantly?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	22
Comments	12
Date	November 7, 2021 2:30 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MenSupportMen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/qof7sa/is_it_unfair_for_me_to_bring_up_past_wrongs_that/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/is-it-unfair-for-me-to-bring-up-past-wrongs-that.1085500 https://theredarchive.com/post/1085500