Hey 20 year old here. I don't know what's wrong, I've been trying my damn hardest to get better but it seems like the universe doesn't want me to.
Let's start with October last year, I was taking gym more and more seriously and what happens? My leg goes and gets sprained leaving me out of commission for a few month's so I couldn't do the one thing that kept me sane. To top it all off, someone goes and gets murdered in front of my apartment reawakening an old trauma and I didn't have gym to help me cope so I was left to endure a month of nightmares and lack of sleep (those stopped at least).
Fast forward to Chrismas. I flat out couldn't enjoy it despite being around family, I felt really down the whole day and my brother called me out sayinh that I changed... and not in a good way. I consulted my mom about it and we had a chat about it and reminded me about one of the true meanings of Christmas: time with family. I knew that but I didn't feel it. Cried myself to sleep that night
And then there's the crippling loneliness. When back in my hometown it's not so bad because I still have friends from High School. But at collage, because COVID fucked everything up, my social life is non-existant. I wanted to Volunteer but most shelters, etc are out of town and public transport in our country is shit so that option was out. With things opening up now I can try again but my optimism is waning.
And then there's today, I can go back to gym now and what happens? A major inconvenience, there was a shockwave around the area and my phone falls off the tredmill. And just my luck it falls off thr floor into the pool and now my phone is fucked, now my mood is in the shitter once again. And I'll probably lose motivation to go for a week or two.
Why does it have to be like this? I tried a lot of solutions. I can't afford therapy and my insurance doesn't cover it and all free/low cost options are short term so most long-term solutions are hella expensive. What the hell! Everytime I try take one step forward I end up taking two steps back! I know I'm pretty much ahouting into the void at this point but right now, I really need to let everything out to someone who is willing to listen, and I mean REALLY listen but... what's the point
I don't know what to do with myself at this point...