I want to preface this by saying its 3am and I'm always at my lowest when its late at night. I should sleep because I know everything will be better in the morning (sorta) but sometimes I think I need to face the thoughts that pop into my brain around this time of night and it gets hard to sleep as a result.
Right now, I am out of college and living with my parents. (I'm 20 years old.) The pandemic ruined my schooling and I've been in flux ever since. I just started putting out applications for work around two or three weeks ago, but nothing's really cropped up.
Really, my only motivation to try and get a job at the moment is my girlfriend. I'm hopelessly and helplessly in love with a girl who's a thousand miles away from me and theres always something coming between us that makes her disappear for days, weeks... Sometimes months on end. She's in a rough household and I'd rather not go into detail on that for her sake. All I want is to get a job and save enough money so I can buy a car and drive out to see her; get her out of that house for a while so she can see that what is happening to her is wrong. When she's around, she makes me the happiest man alive and I wanna give her the world as a result.
Then theres the situation with my father; he was going to get knee replacement surgery at the end of august, but its been postponed. He's been in crippling pain for a majority of his life and I just want him to be relatively alright again at least. The thing is that I know the longer he waits, the more likely he is to just not do it and deal with the pain. We're talking about a man who walked around for two weeks with a gangrenous gall bladder because he was ignoring his chest pain. I cant quite tell why, but this has got me stressed even more.
I really dont want to make this a million pages long, because I absolutely could, but I just wanted to get this out there since I feel not like I cant talk to my friends, but that I shouldnt. Looking back, it seems like a majority of the time when I talk to them, its always cause something is going wrong with me and I dont want to be such a bummer in their lives. I want them to smile when they see a text from me, not grimace and wonder whats going on now. Its just that I know I cant keep this bottled up, I've learned from personal experience that isnt healthy.
Can anyone tell me, is this really all there is from here on out? Cause I didnt see this coming when I was younger; I didnt think this is where I'd be at 20...