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Just found out wife is having an affair.

August 22, 2023

As the title says. Been married 9 years. I’m absolutely lost. I don’t know what to even say. I just need someone to tell me I’ll be ok. My head is spinning and I feel like my entire world has been ripped out. I can’t see a way out of my feelings. I’m just in such a bad place right now. I don’t know what the answers are, I don’t know the questions to ask. I’m just so upset and angry. I just need some advice on how to move on from this. There was no indication. She planned it to coincide with me flying overseas for work. Can anyone please help. I’m just a mess right now and can’t see anyway out from this dark place.

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[–]Environmental_Shoe80 18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Your heads spinning which is understandable. Your body is probably flooded with adrenaline. You're likely to feel a sense of anger and worry about the future - especially as you'll no doubt have a load of crap to sort with a devious wife. You will get the crap sorted though. I'd consider getting legal advice.

I'll let you know my girlfriend of four years cheated on me after I moved from Carlisle to Lancaster to live with her. I had a job there, 70 miles south of all my family and friends. It sucked. I'm not someone that people consider particularly tough. I got through it. You will too.

Best way to get some clarity in my life was to set some smart goals, just 3-4 a week and 3-4 for a month and a couple of bigger ones for 12 weeks. The small ones contributing to the bigger ones. This helped me keep productive and I had goals around things I enjoyed. These were written on my phone. Having something to focus on seriously helped. A smart goal for something productive might be - "Get enough money together to pay bills for next month", "find new accommodation" "start golf lessons" or whatever. Exercise, if you're not already doing this, can achieve a few things in one - boosts mood, helps you stay healthy and helps you look your best.

I reached out for support from family as well. Consider counselling which can be well worth it. Your GP or workplace might offer a counselling service. If you're religious you could seek chaplaincy support.

The first few weeks are the roughest but tend to get easier with time.

Initial thoughts for me were the worst. This is where you tend to feel worst and think the worst things. As your emotions are stronger the rational part of your brain gets taken over and your thoughts are more extreme. Try to keep these in perspective.

I read books on mental health and dating. You can listen to these on Audible as well or on YouTube.

Within a short while I had a couple of new girls I was dating. Depends on what you're after but in some ways this is the best cure, so long as you don't put any pressure on yourself for these new girls to actually work out. Then once things had settled I met this lovely lass who I am marrying next year. I'm actually glad that ex-girlfriend had the affair.

If your mental health really starts to dip please consider speaking to your GP.

Kind regards, Tom

[–]Someoneoldbutnew 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You're not ok right now, and that's understandable. You will be ok, take care of yourself and thank fuck you don't have kids. Find some hot barista to fantasize about and look forward to independence and another chance to find yourself. You are love, you'll find someone to share life with again.

[–]tsevni 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Find some hot barista to fantasise about

Wtf kind of advice is this?

[–]Make-TFT-Fun-Again 10 points11 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Sorry to hear it bro. Not sure what to say except i hope you’ll value yourself enough to collect tangible evidence and file for divorce.

[–]Sea-Climate6841[S] 8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Thank you brother. I’ve got all the evidence I need. Divorce is the only way now. I’m just fucking lost and so upset that she planned this from noting to coincide with me flying out.

[–]Make-TFT-Fun-Again 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well, you know what they say, “if a man cheats, the man’s at fault. If a woman cheats, the man’s also at fault.”

She’ll have all sorts of reasons why she “was driven” to cheat. She might even hate herself for doing it. But afterwards she’ll hate you for making her hate herself, so she feels it justified that she cheats. Conscience is then clear, and cheating follows.

However, it wasn’t your fault. It was her decision to do so, and no matter what she says- you are the one who was wronged. You did nothing to deserve it, but it happened. In fact, it probably happened despite of you, not because of you. You got rugpulled for someones selfish desires, no more, no less.

[–]beaudebonair 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That shows intent there of her plotting her rendezvous making plans in advance & it's obvious how she was trying to cover it up as well. I'm glad for you that you are not letting someone treat you like a doormat who gets to come and go as they please in your life, ya know, you deserve much better! It may suck to hear but sh*t happens for a reason, when one door closes, another one will open. Some woman who will give you all the time of day is out there.

[–]Waratah888 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You will be okay brother. Tough times for a while but all will come right.

Exercise. Socialise a bit. Don't drink or do drugs or become violent.

[–]LeaderOfTheBeavers 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wish I could do or say more to help, but it will be okay my friend. You will be okay.

[–]YearningConnection 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fuckin sucks. Just remember dont wear the goggles too tight. Dont hit no one even though you may want to, both of them certainly deserve it, but dont get caught playin into the system. You'll be ok... eventually, it'll be bad for a good while. Use that time to mourn the relationship. If you got kids dont project any of her bad qualities on them. AKA dont hate them or take your anger out on them for what she did. Wishin you the best man.

[–]MeisterMGTOW 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Trust me, there are WAY worse things in life.

I known it seems horrible to you, but it isn't.

Do you have children? If the answer is no, immediately consult a lawyer and plan your divorce.

Read Rollo Tomassis "The Rational Male" and them NEVER make the same mistake again.

[–]peeknic 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This shall pass. I've been there.

I hope you don't have kids. The relationship is gone. Don't look back.

Picture this: There are 3 boxes in the floor. You can have both feet in 1, or 1 feet on one box... But you can't have your feet on the 3 of them. Those boxes are past, present, and future.

Read: The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi and Unplugged Alpha by Richard Cooper. There is a lot more to read... But start there.

You will come out of this stronger, and because of that, you'll find a better partner.

Do not... I repeat: Do NOT wallow and linger in the what, why, etc... Just accept and move on. I can't emphasize this enough.


[–]Current_Finding_4066 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am sorry< for your situation. I guess you need a little time to process and calm down. Then start preparing for divorce and protect yourself as much as possible.

[–]Affectionate-Sock-62 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Sorry bro. It’s wild when your world gets shaken up like that. All emotions are valid, and it will take a while to process them. Try not to feed them ruminating, blaming either her or yourself, do not make rash decisions, find people near you that can support you. Cheating is not the end of the world, whether you decide to continue or not with your marriage life goes on and this is a chance to learn. About yourself, your values and what matters to you in this life.

Watch content about it. Feed yourself perspectives. Esther Perel is a good one. Search in YouTube and you’ll prob find some good ones out there.

[–]Sea-Climate6841[S] 9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

!thanks Thank you brother. This is a sustained affair. He’s been living in my house since I left for work overseas 4 weeks ago. She’s planned it as so. It took her 1 day to fuck him once I’d left there’s no reconciliation and divorce is the only way forward. I’m just so fucking angry and upset right now

[–]20j2015 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hey man, if you are stuck in a dark place send me a DM anytime. If I'm not sleeping or not in a meeting I will always get back to you!

[–]Horror_Ad_3506 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m sorry this happened to you OP, I wouldn’t be looking at Esther Perel’s content first, I think you would be better off getting these two books, 1) Leave a cheater gain a life and, 2) cheating in a nutshell.

Good luck OP

[–]Admirable_Wasabi1840 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can only imagine how you feel (I've been betrayed before but not by a spouse) and just offer my condolences for a relationship that wasn't healthy and for the pain and suffering that you will feel. I think the advice a few others gave about having a few short-term goals to focus on would be helpful. Also are there any fun activities that you might enjoy that might give you a little break from the emotions for a bit? Also, I wonder if talking to a therapist or coach could be helpful. Perhaps it might feel too early for this, but it might also help you process some of your feelings.

[–]UnHope20 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hi sorry that this happened to you. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now.

You will be ok as long as you play your cards right. Here is what I would do in this situation.

  1. Decide if you are going to end the marriage and STICK TO YOUR DECISION!

If you are going to end things

  1. Do not confront her or let her on that you know anything until you do the things below.

  2. Get a lawyer as soon as possible.

  3. Collect evidence of her infidelity.

  4. Inform your close friends and family and let them know of your decision and the reasons.

  5. Move out as soon as possible. Preferably without her knowledge and try to stay with family or friends if possible.

  6. If you need to go back to the house for any reason, bring lawyer, police and/or family with you.

  7. NEVER have one-on-one meetings with her. Everything should be routed through lawyers.

  8. Move enough assets to a private account to live on.

  9. DO NOT feel sorry for her.

  10. DO NOT communicate with her friends or her family.

  11. DO NOT take her back.

  12. Get therapy from someone who cares about you NOT her.

  13. Never do anything illegal or self-destructive.

That's what I would do if I were in your shoes and I decided to divorce.

I'm really sorry this is happening, but I do believe that healing is possible. I've dealt with cheaters in the past and it is painful. But it was also one of the best things that could have happened to me because I've met an amazing woman who loves me deeply.

[–]aminoplasm 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link


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