~ archived since 2018 ~

Might have to break up with my "feminist" friend

December 18, 2022

There was a post awhile back with me stating the bad things she said to me about men and a bunch of comments on there telling me it's best to separate from her. The reason why I didn't and why I brought her back into my life was because at this point time still, I have no one else and I'm stuck in isolation. And it can be hard and scary going out into the world and with me taking hit after hit this year, I went back to her because I thought she would have the best advice for me getting through the situation. But I think I was better off without her because even though she did help me in a lot of ways in the past, she is also harmful in quite a few ways too.

Even with her around, I still have to do most if not everything on my own because she's not available much these days or back then. I remember when she would be completely out of it and she would be like absent for a month or so and during that time I had no one else to talk to so I'm on my own anyway. This can happen at any time. Even now. She keeps a lot of secrets even though we have technically been friends for two years. I know she's been through some really hardcore trauma that I can't imagine but still she keeps so many things from me even though we've been together for this long. I've never seen her because she always says she's too busy or unavailable to come out. She stated that she is not able to get around because only her ex-boyfriend has a working car. So I was like "Okay". She says she's busy a lot whenever she talks to her boyfriend or anything like that (she will never tell me his real name, he only goes by the name M to me). Whenever M is around her, she has to drop our conversation immediately to go be with him. This happens all the time. We talk less and less these days.

And one of the things that angers me is how condescending she can be. With the "sweetie" and stuff like that. Plus she can be hypocritical saying one thing at one moment and another thing later on. She contradicts herself all the time but I kinda excuse it because she has memory problems and everything. Still, her problems overshadow mine so her life and her problems is all we talk about and we rush through whatever I'm going through. These days we basically only communicate through email. I can tell that my anger and depression is a result of my isolation and health problems but being around her is actually making it worse. She flip flops when it comes down to me asking for her advice and basically just goes along with whatever at the moment. I can see that me being this dependent on her is a dangerous thing for me and for my overall health in general (especially mental health) so as much as I want to be with her, I kinda wanna break things off. But a part of me I can tell will still call me an asshole saying "why are you breaking up with her? she's helping you, she's a great friend" and then I'm reminded of why we separated for over a year to begin with. It's just not gonna work.

It is very scary to type all of this right now. I thought I never would because I thought I would just be endlessly judged and/or criticized for the choices I made. That may or may not be the case anyway but I just wanna get it out. I know that despite her situation being hellish (mine is too), if we broke up, she will be fine. She has somehow in the time we separated managed to start her own advertising business which will bring in a lot of money and benefits. I don't have any that right now. I am so lost. She even told me that there are no stakes for her if anything bad happens. Again, the reason why I haven't broken up with her before and went back was because I thought she was the best I was gonna get and that I could get nothing better from anyone else. That nobody else would be as understanding as she is. But I guess in some way, it's better off being alone than being stuck with a person who makes you feel more alone. I think she would be fine in the long run. Idk what is gonna happen to me next but at least I can say "I tried to make things better". And I'm still trying to reach out and vent out on here I guess.

I got really emotional while typing this.

Edit: she's in her 40s and I'm in my mid 20s (25) if that means anything

TheRedArchive is an archive of Red Pill content, including various subreddits and blogs. This post has been archived from the subreddit /r/MenSupportMen.

/r/MenSupportMen archive

Download the post

Want to save the post for offline use on your device? Choose one of the download options below:

Post Information
Red Pill terms in post

[–]cyan_reynolds 14 points15 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, this all sounds like a ticking time bomb. I would definitely get away from her ASAP and never look back.

[–]BlackoutWalksAlone[S] 4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I do agree with you about the ticking time bomb bit. I just realized that another thing that bothers me is that she always tells me "I love you" which I think is inappropriate in my eyes. I would only think it's acceptable for family members or people I'm in a romantic relationship with (and this clearly isn't sexual). I don't say "I love you" back to her but still I feel guilty for not saying those words back. Regardless, more red flags there

[–]Sandwhale123 6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

She sounds like a manipulative person, using those three words to keep you close enough. I think she keeps people that have problems in life to make herself happy. Lile you said, she likes to keep vulnerable people around her. All this is my speculation tho.

Can you elaborate on why are you calling her "feminist". Just curious.

[–]BlackoutWalksAlone[S] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Well she said it herself that she stated she was a feminist and believed in equality between the sexes but at one point said "i'm far more accustomed to being pursued, to men making fools of themselves just to get me to ACKNOWLEDGE them, let alone speak..."

Again, red flag

[–]Sandwhale123 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like a chauvinistic "feminist", always claim to be in support of equality but their actions do the opposite, like putting down men.

[–]BlackoutWalksAlone[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah she always talks about how shitty her ex-boyfriend and her new boyfriend are. She says she keeps her ex around because he doesn't want him to be out on the street with nowhere to go and she is obsessed with her new boyfriend. Like fell in love with him instantly and puts up with all of his crap. She says many times that the two of them don't really care about her or her feelings but other times she goes on about how wonderful and caring her new boyfriend is in ways that nobody else understands and how her ex helps her out so much in ways that nobody else would. So, for those reasons, they stick around and like I said, when her new boyfriend M comes into the picture and gets off of work, that's when I have to leave the conversation. Her world is just herself, her ex and M. I don't fit in it

[–]Sandwhale123 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Then you know whats wrong with this relationship. It's time to cut the toxicity from your life and find a new friend

[–]BlackoutWalksAlone[S] 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Another thing to note: my friend also said at one point that she draws herself towards vulnerable people like me to hang out with which is IMO a red flag

[–]Cyb3rd31ic_Citiz3n 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Met people like this before. She is manipulative and using you. Drop her and find a local hobby group to rebound into for a while.

[–]Azihayya 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It sounds like she doesn't really care about you, man You can definitely find people who really care about you and don't treat you like you're a project--a project that she doesn't even want to continue, to be honest.

[–]Sydnaktik 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Everyone is different. But personally I prefer to sort through things on my own. Relying on others to this degrees just doesn't seem workable to me. Ordinarily, as a child you learn to handle things on your own as you're very slowly given more and more responsibilities and challenges year after year.

I vaguely remember some of your posts, so maybe you didn't have the chance to learn these things as a child so you need to figure them out now. In general, you need to figure everything out for yourself, and only rely on friends to fill in some blinds spots or clue you into new areas that you hadn't thought of.

IRL people will likely be more interested in helping you out if you can show them somehow that you understand this. People, in general, will be scared of being expected to be a lifelong emotional support tool / life coach. People who aren't scared of this are often looking to take advantage of you.

Also, keep in mind that in terms of men vs women, the stereotype is that women don't need to emotionally mature as much as men do. Society in general often treats them almost like children and make sure not to emotionally disturb them, whereas many men are willing to take on the role of surrogate father / emotional support tool / life coach. I still don't actually know if this stereotype is true or not, but I mention it because it is strange that she still needs someone to emotionally dump to at 40 years old.

Here's what seems to be the expected path: as child up to 20 years old, you learn to be self sufficient emotionally. Up to 30 years old you learn to be self sufficient financially (this one takes more or less long depending on many factors).

If you're more on the conservative/traditional side. You learn to take care of a woman and choose the right woman that also fits that lifestyle. If you're more liberal, you learn how to create an effective equitable partnership with women. Ideally you'd learn this by 25, but I think the majority of people take much longer (so did I).

Then you learn to take care of a family (children).

Each step of the way, you learn greater self sufficiency to the point of being able to take care of others as well.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2023. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter