There was a post awhile back with me stating the bad things she said to me about men and a bunch of comments on there telling me it's best to separate from her. The reason why I didn't and why I brought her back into my life was because at this point time still, I have no one else and I'm stuck in isolation. And it can be hard and scary going out into the world and with me taking hit after hit this year, I went back to her because I thought she would have the best advice for me getting through the situation. But I think I was better off without her because even though she did help me in a lot of ways in the past, she is also harmful in quite a few ways too.
Even with her around, I still have to do most if not everything on my own because she's not available much these days or back then. I remember when she would be completely out of it and she would be like absent for a month or so and during that time I had no one else to talk to so I'm on my own anyway. This can happen at any time. Even now. She keeps a lot of secrets even though we have technically been friends for two years. I know she's been through some really hardcore trauma that I can't imagine but still she keeps so many things from me even though we've been together for this long. I've never seen her because she always says she's too busy or unavailable to come out. She stated that she is not able to get around because only her ex-boyfriend has a working car. So I was like "Okay". She says she's busy a lot whenever she talks to her boyfriend or anything like that (she will never tell me his real name, he only goes by the name M to me). Whenever M is around her, she has to drop our conversation immediately to go be with him. This happens all the time. We talk less and less these days.
And one of the things that angers me is how condescending she can be. With the "sweetie" and stuff like that. Plus she can be hypocritical saying one thing at one moment and another thing later on. She contradicts herself all the time but I kinda excuse it because she has memory problems and everything. Still, her problems overshadow mine so her life and her problems is all we talk about and we rush through whatever I'm going through. These days we basically only communicate through email. I can tell that my anger and depression is a result of my isolation and health problems but being around her is actually making it worse. She flip flops when it comes down to me asking for her advice and basically just goes along with whatever at the moment. I can see that me being this dependent on her is a dangerous thing for me and for my overall health in general (especially mental health) so as much as I want to be with her, I kinda wanna break things off. But a part of me I can tell will still call me an asshole saying "why are you breaking up with her? she's helping you, she's a great friend" and then I'm reminded of why we separated for over a year to begin with. It's just not gonna work.
It is very scary to type all of this right now. I thought I never would because I thought I would just be endlessly judged and/or criticized for the choices I made. That may or may not be the case anyway but I just wanna get it out. I know that despite her situation being hellish (mine is too), if we broke up, she will be fine. She has somehow in the time we separated managed to start her own advertising business which will bring in a lot of money and benefits. I don't have any that right now. I am so lost. She even told me that there are no stakes for her if anything bad happens. Again, the reason why I haven't broken up with her before and went back was because I thought she was the best I was gonna get and that I could get nothing better from anyone else. That nobody else would be as understanding as she is. But I guess in some way, it's better off being alone than being stuck with a person who makes you feel more alone. I think she would be fine in the long run. Idk what is gonna happen to me next but at least I can say "I tried to make things better". And I'm still trying to reach out and vent out on here I guess.
I got really emotional while typing this.
Edit: she's in her 40s and I'm in my mid 20s (25) if that means anything