Sexually Frustrated Married and in Love

TalkaboutJoudy · 2022-09-28T04:02:04+00:00

I really feel for you and your wife. Very difficult situation. I have no advice - just to say, I wish you both the best

pandejopanda · 2022-09-28T03:56:54+00:00

Hey Tyson. Of course you still love her, so you gotta find a solution to keep happy. You'll end up bitter and resentful otherwise, maybe leave her or cheat. I doubt that's what you want.
Can you talk to her about the possibility of getting your sexual needs met elsewhere? If she is open to this it may be a way to keep the relationship stable?

BrianGossling · 2022-09-28T09:25:28+00:00

Hey Op - I'm sure you've explored medical options for your wife, but in case you haven't, has she explored her medical options to increase her libido? It would likely take an endocrinologist to evaluate her estrogen/progesterone levels and consider hormone replacement therapy.

EDIT: There is also viagra, it works for women in sexual arousal just like men. Has she tried it?

parahacker · 2022-09-28T12:05:12+00:00

As far as the overall situation goes, I feel deeply for you.

Loyalty towards your wife in this situation is commendable, and should be encouraged. You're doing the right thing by trying to keep this ship on the right course.

Insofar as her situation goes, the first thing that strikes me is that the pituitary controls release of hormones like prolactin and oxytocin in a woman's orgasm, which does affect the mood after a climax - but, much like menopause, hormone replacement therapy can at least recover the hormonal environment that leads to a climax, perhaps making orgasms possible. They'll possibly 'feel' more like what men's orgasms feel like to her, since in men the pituitary does nothing at all after a climax; which might work for her, or might still be unsatisfactory for her. But they should in theory be possible.

Have you been able to get more medical opinions about the loss of her pituitary function, and what can be done about it? Also note that it's not unheard of for functionality to recover somewhat on its own for even heavily damaged organs and glands - don't lose hope!

I think however the most important thing to do is do what you can to share loving moments in other ways. Play together, laugh together, build good memories as best you can. Sex is important, and you may have to have difficult conversations depending on how this affects you and her, but don't let it define your relationship completely.

General_Duh · 2022-09-28T18:04:18+00:00

Hey Tyson I’m sorry for the medical struggles your wife has had and the outcome which affects you and her.

Good on you for seeking support. I can’t imagine how frustrating this must be for you as sexual intercourse is so important to maintaining intimacy.

I presume that this situation is also distressing to your wife as the female psyche is wired to want to feel desired.

But we are here to support you now. You won’t be able to do right by your marriage if you are unfulfilled - that’s a fact. You’re right to confront this head on.

Have you considered therapy? You can find therapists that focus on men’s issues. I don’t think the goal is to learn to adapt to the situation but instead to grieve for the loss of the life you had and identify your needs. Then you can explore how to bring those needs up to your wife in a way that expresses your feelings without alienating her or making her feel blamed. Once things are out in the open you two can hopefully work together to find solutions that work for you both.

I would bet that this also keeps her up at night. You need to talk to each other and work together to figure out how create a fulfilling relationship.

This is too delicate and too important a topic and I think the outside perspective of a trained counselor would be helpful.
Best of luck.

pineapplespy · 2022-09-28T17:41:58+00:00

I'm sorry to hear about you and your wife's situation.

It seems like penetrative sex is going to be challenging find satisfaction in, since it is hard to be aroused when your partner is not mutually aroused.

Some alternatives may be worth exploring if you haven't yet.

You and her might try emphasizing non-sexual physical intimacy such as massaging each other, cuddling, etc. It's not the same as sex, but it may help fulfill that part of your relationship.

You may be able to explore penetrative forms of sexual engagement, such as you masturbating with her help, handjobs, blowjobs, etc. I don't know exactly how the tumor would affect how she responds to these. I have used some of the above with a partner who generally had a strong libido but sometimes went through a couple of weeks with lower libido, but she wanted to help me out in these times. So what we would sometimes do was she would cuddle or caress me a bit while I masturbated. It was a nice way to feel close, and she supported this and wanted me to enjoy this even while she was not in the mood to participate further, and I also would not have felt right having sex when she was not interested.

And of course, to the extent you can afford to do so, you can seek professional help, including medical advice, and therapy individually and/or as a couple.

Azihayya · 2022-09-28T04:24:08+00:00

I'm 33 and have practically given up my sex drive. I'm single and while I consider myself asexual I know that I could develop a libido--I just don't see the value in my sexuality as it is. People at various places and stages of their lives learn how to make sacrifices.

My advice for you is to think deeply about what sex means to you and to have a conversation with your wife about how she feels about having lost the ability to experience an orgasm or to enjoy sex.

It's entirely possible to enjoy life without sex, but I understand how to you that may seem very tragic. Most guys that I've spoken to believe that sex is one of the great joys and pleasures of life, and the importance of their life is often wrapped up in how they view the pursuit of pleasure. I personally don't look at my life that way. Some part of me acknowledges that joy is an experience that we all share together and that it's not particularly important for me personally to experience joy or pleasure. What I'm trying to get out of life is to accomplish something positive that makes a difference in the world.

It seems to me that you really love your wife, so I just want to encourage you to ask the really deep questions, and to find a male counselor if you need to, if you really want to find someone to talk to but don't have close friends and family to talk to as you're going through this change to your life. And always, always talk to your wife.

It might not be easy to hear, but my advice really is to choose sacrifice. If I were in your spot I know that my priority would be my love for my wife, and that my desire for sex would be superceded to that. I believe in fidelity, and accepting fidelity means accepting one woman. It means eschewing your sense of attraction for all other women and fostering a deep attraction and connection to an individual for no other reason than because you're committed to loving them. The more you totter with uncertainties the more susceptible you become to having affairs. For a lot of men that is a sacrifice they're unwilling to handle--but to me, that kind of sacrifice makes love more profound and one's character to be so much more authentic. That's not for everyone, but you have to decide if that's right for you.

Arguesovereverythin · 2022-09-28T21:14:39+00:00

Hey Tyson, also sorry to hear what you went through. But I'm encouraged that you are sticking with your wife. Despite your challenges, I'm sure she is grateful to have someone like you in her life.

Have you considered becoming a foster parent instead?

In my state, the adoption fee is waived if your foster kid cannot return to their family for some reason. In addition, the state pays you $30 per day to take care of them. The get free insurance, money for incidentals, an allowance for clothes, and more. Look into it!

Title	Sexually Frustrated Married and in Love
Author	That_Friendship8723
Upvotes	47
Comments	20
Date	September 28, 2022 3:11 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	/r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/sexually-frustrated-married-and-in-love.1133631 https://theredarchive.com/post/1133631
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/xq14pf/sexually_frustrated_married_and_in_love/