~ archived since 2018 ~

Sexually Frustrated Married and in Love

September 28, 2022

I am going to bullet point the facts.

42 years old Fell hopelessly in Love 10 years ago. Got Married 1 year into the relationship. 4 years into the marriage my wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was benign and she was able to get it fully removed.

Here's the kicker: she can't and never will be able to orgasm again due to the loss of her pituitary. She has zero labido. When we do have sex it feels extremely one sided, as she has dryness and discomfort. Lube helps but there is no spontaneity any more.

I love her wholeheartedly but pretty much just masterbate to fall asleep. I think this hole in my life has really hurt my focus. On top of all that kids were taken off the table and we just can't afford adoption. We have settled in without cats and just try to make the best of what we have.

I can easily talk myself up and find contentment, but direct discussion and responses would be appreciated.

This is my first post in this forum. Call me Tyson.

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[–]TalkaboutJoudy 16 points17 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I really feel for you and your wife. Very difficult situation. I have no advice - just to say, I wish you both the best

[–]That_Friendship8723[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]pandejopanda 7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Hey Tyson. Of course you still love her, so you gotta find a solution to keep happy. You'll end up bitter and resentful otherwise, maybe leave her or cheat. I doubt that's what you want.
Can you talk to her about the possibility of getting your sexual needs met elsewhere? If she is open to this it may be a way to keep the relationship stable?

[–]citemebitch 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You might be saying that if he continues this way he'll grow resentful and cheat; but the first time I read your comment I took it as you suggesting he cheat. No hate here just giving you a heads up on how it might be misinterpreted.

[–]pandejopanda 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Not intended at all, I'm not sure how you misinterpreted that but all good. I'm suggesting he discuss an open relationship with his wife.

[–]a-man-from-earth 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maybe change the wording in the original comment then?

Seems to me that an open relationship would be the way to go. I wouldn't even call it cheating since he basically no longer has a sexual relationship with his wife.

[–]That_Friendship8723[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Going outside the marriage for this would end it. I already made a mistake in this direction. More of an emotional one which was pretty disastrous and we worked through it.

[–]BrianGossling 6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Hey Op - I'm sure you've explored medical options for your wife, but in case you haven't, has she explored her medical options to increase her libido? It would likely take an endocrinologist to evaluate her estrogen/progesterone levels and consider hormone replacement therapy.

EDIT: There is also viagra, it works for women in sexual arousal just like men. Has she tried it?

[–]That_Friendship8723[S] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

She has a support group for this and has definitely looked into several options. Her medication needs are extremely long and her life expectancy has been significantly decreased due to all the lack of natural hormones. She hasn't tried the Viagra, but being on blood thinners doesn't help her options here

[–]BrianGossling 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

While only her doctor can safely say so, there typically isn't a concern for Viagra/Cialis and blood thinner interactions.

[–]parahacker 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

As far as the overall situation goes, I feel deeply for you.

Loyalty towards your wife in this situation is commendable, and should be encouraged. You're doing the right thing by trying to keep this ship on the right course.

Insofar as her situation goes, the first thing that strikes me is that the pituitary controls release of hormones like prolactin and oxytocin in a woman's orgasm, which does affect the mood after a climax - but, much like menopause, hormone replacement therapy can at least recover the hormonal environment that leads to a climax, perhaps making orgasms possible. They'll possibly 'feel' more like what men's orgasms feel like to her, since in men the pituitary does nothing at all after a climax; which might work for her, or might still be unsatisfactory for her. But they should in theory be possible.

Have you been able to get more medical opinions about the loss of her pituitary function, and what can be done about it? Also note that it's not unheard of for functionality to recover somewhat on its own for even heavily damaged organs and glands - don't lose hope!

I think however the most important thing to do is do what you can to share loving moments in other ways. Play together, laugh together, build good memories as best you can. Sex is important, and you may have to have difficult conversations depending on how this affects you and her, but don't let it define your relationship completely.

[–]That_Friendship8723[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Much appreciated. She hasn't been able to climax, but she also has additional problems. She can't take too many hormones as she is on blood thinner. They tend to cause clotting. She has had bilateral p.e.s twice now. Once before this event and once after.

We have both been traumatized, but she is still my wife and still loves me. I would rather die than be the man who abandoned his amazing wife over sex drive issues.

The mental side of things is really where the help is needed. I am gaining success at work and that's important too. Just makes me realize I need to work harder at home to predict her needs more and the sex may improve as she gets more willing to please me. I can't even fathom her stress level and don't get me started on how tired someone in her condition is, literally all the time. She pushes through, even with a history of mental health and self inflicted non-living in her family.

[–]General_Duh 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hey Tyson I’m sorry for the medical struggles your wife has had and the outcome which affects you and her.

Good on you for seeking support. I can’t imagine how frustrating this must be for you as sexual intercourse is so important to maintaining intimacy.

I presume that this situation is also distressing to your wife as the female psyche is wired to want to feel desired.

But we are here to support you now. You won’t be able to do right by your marriage if you are unfulfilled - that’s a fact. You’re right to confront this head on.

Have you considered therapy? You can find therapists that focus on men’s issues. I don’t think the goal is to learn to adapt to the situation but instead to grieve for the loss of the life you had and identify your needs. Then you can explore how to bring those needs up to your wife in a way that expresses your feelings without alienating her or making her feel blamed. Once things are out in the open you two can hopefully work together to find solutions that work for you both.

I would bet that this also keeps her up at night. You need to talk to each other and work together to figure out how create a fulfilling relationship.

This is too delicate and too important a topic and I think the outside perspective of a trained counselor would be helpful.
Best of luck.

[–]That_Friendship8723[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I have not ruled out therapy, we did some couples counseling but I do believe this one is me specifically. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

[–]pineapplespy 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm sorry to hear about you and your wife's situation.

It seems like penetrative sex is going to be challenging find satisfaction in, since it is hard to be aroused when your partner is not mutually aroused.

Some alternatives may be worth exploring if you haven't yet.

You and her might try emphasizing non-sexual physical intimacy such as massaging each other, cuddling, etc. It's not the same as sex, but it may help fulfill that part of your relationship.

You may be able to explore penetrative forms of sexual engagement, such as you masturbating with her help, handjobs, blowjobs, etc. I don't know exactly how the tumor would affect how she responds to these. I have used some of the above with a partner who generally had a strong libido but sometimes went through a couple of weeks with lower libido, but she wanted to help me out in these times. So what we would sometimes do was she would cuddle or caress me a bit while I masturbated. It was a nice way to feel close, and she supported this and wanted me to enjoy this even while she was not in the mood to participate further, and I also would not have felt right having sex when she was not interested.

And of course, to the extent you can afford to do so, you can seek professional help, including medical advice, and therapy individually and/or as a couple.

[–]That_Friendship8723[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

We have explored this realm and we do implement this type of foreplay as often as we can. I give her a lot of credit for what she does do, even as infrequently as I may believe

[–]Azihayya 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm 33 and have practically given up my sex drive. I'm single and while I consider myself asexual I know that I could develop a libido--I just don't see the value in my sexuality as it is. People at various places and stages of their lives learn how to make sacrifices.

My advice for you is to think deeply about what sex means to you and to have a conversation with your wife about how she feels about having lost the ability to experience an orgasm or to enjoy sex.

It's entirely possible to enjoy life without sex, but I understand how to you that may seem very tragic. Most guys that I've spoken to believe that sex is one of the great joys and pleasures of life, and the importance of their life is often wrapped up in how they view the pursuit of pleasure. I personally don't look at my life that way. Some part of me acknowledges that joy is an experience that we all share together and that it's not particularly important for me personally to experience joy or pleasure. What I'm trying to get out of life is to accomplish something positive that makes a difference in the world.

It seems to me that you really love your wife, so I just want to encourage you to ask the really deep questions, and to find a male counselor if you need to, if you really want to find someone to talk to but don't have close friends and family to talk to as you're going through this change to your life. And always, always talk to your wife.

It might not be easy to hear, but my advice really is to choose sacrifice. If I were in your spot I know that my priority would be my love for my wife, and that my desire for sex would be superceded to that. I believe in fidelity, and accepting fidelity means accepting one woman. It means eschewing your sense of attraction for all other women and fostering a deep attraction and connection to an individual for no other reason than because you're committed to loving them. The more you totter with uncertainties the more susceptible you become to having affairs. For a lot of men that is a sacrifice they're unwilling to handle--but to me, that kind of sacrifice makes love more profound and one's character to be so much more authentic. That's not for everyone, but you have to decide if that's right for you.

[–]That_Friendship8723[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I appreciate your input.

[–]Arguesovereverythin 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hey Tyson, also sorry to hear what you went through. But I'm encouraged that you are sticking with your wife. Despite your challenges, I'm sure she is grateful to have someone like you in her life.

Have you considered becoming a foster parent instead?

In my state, the adoption fee is waived if your foster kid cannot return to their family for some reason. In addition, the state pays you $30 per day to take care of them. The get free insurance, money for incidentals, an allowance for clothes, and more. Look into it!

[–]That_Friendship8723[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Fostering has crossed our minds. We have weighed this and found that it's not the best option for us. I know I don't have to justify myself, but future financial stability is my current focus. Many people with her conditions become disabled sooner than later. I am lucky she has been able to maintain her job and income level.

Thanks for your kind words.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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