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Should I end my relationship with my GF due to finances?

Ordie_6531
December 25, 2022
19 upvotes
/r/MenSupportMen

I (23M) and my (21F) have been together for a year. I was previously married and have one child from that marriage who I pay $840 in child support for. My GF comes from poverty and also has a child the same age as mine. She has an associates in education and can't find work that pays enough to cover the cost of day care. She receives no child support from her ex and they both live with me. I pay for everything and only net $3800 a month. I'm slowly getting into credit card debt, currently $1200. I'm having to pay for her phone and car insurance to allow her to drive my car. She no longer wants to pursue college and has no other career options currently. She is a good person, mother, loyal, low body count, takes decent care of our home. I'm not bonding well with her child and feeling resentment. I'm starting to see them both as a burden that is not my responsibility and losing any emotional connection. Any advice is appreciated and I'll answer questions for clarification.

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Post Information
Title Should I end my relationship with my GF due to finances?
Author Ordie_6531
Upvotes 19
Comments 25
Date December 25, 2022 5:21 AM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/should-i-end-my-relationship-with-my-gf-due-to.1145812
https://theredarchive.com/post/1145812
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/zurcz6/should_i_end_my_relationship_with_my_gf_due_to/
Comments

[–]stillcantshoot 23 points24 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Man.23 is awfully young to be 100% financially and physically responsible for someone else's child. Is there a reason she's not collecting child support that could probably help immensely?

[–]Ordie_6531[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He os just refusing to pay so she is going through the state to get him to pay. It's a slow and painful process apparently.

[–]Cyb3rd31ic_Citiz3n 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Talk to her.

Be polite and respectful, but also be firm and fair to yourself.

Tell her openly and honestly that you're going into debt to support her and her child, that this is unsustainable and she needs to step up out of necessity.

Explain how it makes you feel.

When she talks, listen to her without interruption and request the same back from her.

Make a plan together for her future and start her on that career path (education is still an option IF you can find the grants or loans to pay for it).

Gauge her reaction to this conversation as whether you should stay with her or not. If she responds well, plan that future and press on. If she doesn't, ditch.

[–]Ordie_6531[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah that sounds like a good plan. She is a very understanding person, she will be heartbroken but not surprised as I've told her I'm struggling.

[–]Mrstrawberry209 8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Just leave, man. Look at all the red flags!

[–]Ordie_6531[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

The sad part is that she is such a good genuine person, It's just I'm not able to support her and it's affecting my ability to support my own child. I'm trying to plan the right time to leave.

[–]a-man-from-earth 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

How is she a good person if she isn't trying her utmost to provide for herself and her child from a previous relationship? But instead leeches off a guy who fell in love with her. That's not something a genuinely good person would do.

[–]Ordie_6531[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I can add more context. Since giving birth the family she lived with was her baby daddies. Her family is basically homeless. She worked as a substitute teacher and was making 83 a day. When baby daddy got kicked out she stayed with his family. I met her shortly after that and she was working until the family had to move. We decided she could stay with me and she continued to work while they took the kid for 2 months so she could get some money and afford childcare from then on. She was making 83 a day from subbing until the hours started to get cut and she was competing with other subs. Eventually only getting a few days a week and unable to afford child care. She's in this limbo stage and no longer wants to do education. It's been 3 months and while we aren't paying for child care I'm starting to seem them as a burden that I don't have to bare. I cant connect with her kid and I keep thinking I'm going to sacrifice my financial security for this relationship.

[–]PSN-Angryjackal 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You connecting with her kid is irrelevant… im not sure why you are making that a big deal. It should not even slightly matter.

[–]InitiatePenguin 5 points6 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

I pay for everything

So does she have any kind of job? I don't think it's realistic to support 4 people on that income. She needs to find a job. Even if it's data entry from a staffing agency she can do from home. She has to bring something.

low body count,

Bro. It doesn't matter. This shouldn't be part of the equation at all.

[–]Ordie_6531[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I added to make it known shes not a hoe. I want her to work as well but she isn't making any effort. I'm going to talk to her about it after Christmas to not ruin the holiday. She also spends my money without asking me, I saw a charge on my card for like 40 dollars and it was for 2 kids PJ sets that are Christmas themed. Idk if I'm even wrong for this but this is exactly what my ex wife did. She stayed at home with our kid and I was more than happy to provide. Now it's like I've positioned my self back into being a family man when I should have just stayed single. 🙃

[–]BrianGossling 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Bro she's 21 with a kid and an absent father and your telling us she ain't a hoe. Not only does that not matter, you're also fooling yourself. You should not be taking care of her and her kid, you shouldn't be taking on that responsibility you can't afford.

[–]Ordie_6531[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It was from her long term boyfriend from highschool, when I met her she was staying with his family and they are dirt poor. They kicked him out because of his abuse and allowed her to stay. I met her 3 weeks after that. She worked while his parents watched the kid. When she moved in with me she was working in the schools until his family moved away due to financial reasons. I decided to take on supporting her because I liked having her around and felt this need to be with someone and I was unable to be happy alone. I no longer feel this way. She has proven to be a good girlfriend but not the best partner if that makes any sense. I also wasn't paying a lot in child support when she moved in, my payments doubled after my divorce was finalized. I'm going to tell her in about a week that she needs to figure out how to make atleast 2100 a month to contribute to this living situation she is in. Otherwise I'll have to tell her she's draining resources from me and impacting my ability to take care of my blood daughter.

[–]UnHope20[M] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Bro she's 21 with a kid and an absent father and your telling us she ain't a hoe.

Let's cease the slurs. We want to keep a civil and respectful environment.

[–]UnHope20[M] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Bro. It doesn't matter. This shouldn't be part of the equation at all.

Okay let's refrain from desire-policing. His preferences are his preferences. No one should be telling anyone else what should matter to them in a relationship between two consenting adults.

[–]InitiatePenguin 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Nah. I'm out.

You should be responding comments like this one.

https://www.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/zurcz6/should_i_end_my_relationship_with_my_gf_due_to/j1og92x/

Calling OP's girlfriend a Hoe. I can't say it shouldn't matter but they are allowed to say it does.

[–]UnHope20[M] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

No one is allowed to invalidate the person asking for support. That's not negotiable.

The difference between his comment and your comment is that you're actively invalidating the person who is asking for support. Whereas, he is using offensive language. In this space, we prioritize the wellbeing of the person who is requesting support over outside parties.

Nevertheless, we appreciate you pointing out this other comment as it does violate our rules. Having said that, it is recommended that comments such as the one you are referring to here are reported directly to the mod team through the traditional route for documentation purposes.

If you don't understand why someone else wasn't sanctioned, it's more helpful to ask for clarification or to report the offending comment to the mod team rather than to make assumptions about the modus operandi of the mod team. The former can be enlightening, while the latter isn't particularly helpful.

For example, in this case you appear to have made an assumption that we were moderating in a biased manner because you received a warning while this other person did not get one at the same time.

The reality is that I'm not always able to catch every single comment at the same time because they are posted at different times throughout the day. So, I have a protocol for reviewing comments where earlier (Initial) comments are reviewed first before moving to replies and later comments.

Btw the other community member has now been given a cease request.

We value your feedback and want to keep this community supportive and fair. If you are concerned about inappropriate moderation practices, I encourage you to reach out to the mod team via modmail to report me.

u/Unhope20

Happy Holidays.

[–]InitiatePenguin 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

It's not invalidating. He's pre-empting concerns about a body count despite her having a kid. He's in the other comment defending that she's not a hoe. I'm saying it doesn't matter and shouldn't matter.

The other user is saying, actually OP, you're wrong. She is a hoe.

[–]UnHope20[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's not invalidating. He's pre-empting concerns about a body count despite her having a kid. He's in the other comment defending that she's not a hoe. I'm saying it doesn't matter and shouldn't matter.

To tell anyone that their expressed values shouldn't matter to them after they have expressed it within the context of support seeking is the epitome of invalidating another person.

He can want whomever that he wants for whatever reason that he wants. Provided no laws are being broken.

If he cares about her "body count" then that's his prerogative. No one is allowed to police-desire here. You get to decide what is important in a partner to you and you alone. He gets to decide what is important in a partner to him and him alone. To each his own!

The expectation in this community is that the commenters support the OP and respect the fact that they have a right to their own ideas.

[–]Billsplacenta 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You should end it… you seem to already know the answer

[–]Ordie_6531[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm going to have a sit down with her and explain things as rationally as possible. I think she will understand based on previous statements she has made. I wanted to make sure other men agree with my standing, family and friends have more bias.

[–]Ordie_6531[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

And if she doesn't understand then I'll have to end things.

[–]Algoresball 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wouldn’t have taken that kind of responsibility at your age.

[–]PSN-Angryjackal 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You dont make enough money to support that many people.

Either she gets a job to contribute financially, or you move on. Thats the only option for you, unless you can figure out how to live more cheaply…

[–]HiddenAnon720 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

She receives no child support from her ex and they both live with me.

This reads as though her and the ex live with you and I was like, GET OUT NOW.

Do you know any details why she doesn’t receive child support? How much is the father involved in the other child’s life? It sounds pretty clear this isn’t financially sustainable but also sounds like you care for this woman a great deal, so you can try to make it work, but sounds pretty clear something needs to change.

The easiest thing would be to sever ties so you’re gonna get a lot of those suggestions here.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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