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Struggling to cope with how the person I live with treats me

September 1, 2022

I’m disabled 20yo man, can’t work, go to college, drive, and I don’t have offline friends or a partner. I’m isolated. I used to live with abusive parents in a very fucked up place. When I was 17 my parents left to another country and I was left with my (older) sister whose also a really bad person that molested me and her boyfriend who was also a bad person. They were meant to take care of me but they didn’t so I was allowed to visit my grandparents. My grandfather suddenly died during my visit so I stayed longer than plannt to keep her company. Ended up living there for past 2 years with just my grandmother. Still living here so the person I live is my grandmother.

I used to love my grandmother but after 2 years of her intentionally treating me bad and it getting worse I hate her. Ok I feel bad saying that and worry no one’s going to understand/think I’m a shit guy for hating an elderly woman. I’m hoping LWMA-adjacent subreddit will understand and not have misandrist bias.

I’m clear about my boundaries since I came here, Communication is important. I don’t argue, Its (one-sided) respectful. She doesn’t care, she ignores my boundaries daily. She knows what hurts me and does it anyway. Almost every time she sees me she is going to put me down, insult me and someone/thing that makes me happy. She tells me I’m a burden in various ways and she said no one will take care of me when she dies (unless my lifelong mental & physical disabilities disappear). She refuses to take responsibility, apologize, and blames me for things that aren't my fault. Sometimes public humiliation. She hurts my senses (sensory processing issues, torture). In the beginning I blamed myself, made excuses for her, it’ll get better/she’ll stop soon, but it’s gotten worse over time. In June she did something cruel like how my other family treated me, I cried & begged and she kept going. Since then I’ve hated her and am scared of her. I’m struggling to deal with how she treats me. Uncomfortable to admit I relapsed recently, not too bad and haven’t touched since but I badly want to again. To stress how much this is affecting me. I really can’t handle it and nothing I can do to stop her.

How I’m living now is incredible life compared to how I used to with other family members. So I feel guilty complaining and I’m overdramatic. I’m trying my best to recover from how I grew up, drug addiction, suicide attempt on my own since I have no support (mental health team abandoned me over Covid). I made a lot of progress and my grandmother is fucking it up. Trying my best to keep it up but it feels impssible. She’s making me hate myself again. She punishes me for getting better, being happy, self-respect, and taking care of my physical health including showering or taking care of my skin/autoimmune disease. Discouraging. I compliment myself but it doesn't outweigh.

Since June I’ve been trying to avoid her but I’m stupid gullible. I’ll avoid her successfully for a bit then I’ll be happy and want to share it with her, here’s something that made me happy/I’m proud of hoping she’ll share the happiness and instead she puts me down. But I keep doing it!!!!! At the same time I can’t relax, I’m always on edge she will come to me to punish me, I want to go share happiness with her. I’m the most distrusting & most gullible human at the same time. This has been my life and I can’t stop, I don’t know why. I thought if I was slave to my sister she’d stop hurting me and she didn’t instead molested me so this incurable gullibleness of mine I really hate, but i can’t stop. It’s shocking I thought my grandmother was nice. She’s like my mother (her daughter) but less bad.

She said she’d kill herself if I wasnt here but she makes it clear she wants me gone. She contradicts herself to mess with my head. She does the classic “you can/should always talk to me” despite treating me bad whenever I try even about lighthearted wholesome things, and teaching me I’m a burden. Not telling her im sick until it gets too bad I have To see doctor, because she taught me that’s what I should do . She blamed me and says I should’ve told her earlier. If I told her she would’ve reacted the same. She didnt care when I finally told her, It’s only because she she found blood later she did. Today she blamed me for the general surgeon still not calling to make appointment to diagnose my sickness. She has good moments and uses the good moments to excuse her bad behaviour.

Today was a good day and she was nice, a bit rude but not that bad and quickly acted nice again. She bought me Cyanotis kewensis which is a favourite plant I’ve been searching for months, very grateful. But I try to tell her about something silly my chipmunk friend who makes me really happy did , I wanted to share my happiness and she put me down. She called my friend disgusting and she hates him and im scared she’ll hurt him. She hates the bunny I take care of too, and scared she’ll hurt her too.

My life is a risky mess. I can be forced back to living with my parents or sister who is much worse than grandmother, or kicked out into streets. I don’t know what to do. I need to find a new living situation at least as backup. Preferably not as backup for extreme situation, because I know if I live here for too long I can’t keep recovering. But I can’t live on my own and I don’t have friends or partner to live with. I have an aunt and uncle I love but when I tried telling them about my mother abusing me they said “Your mother would never do that.” So they’re no help. My father seems to have gotten better and breaking the cycle, I’m proud of him, I love him now, but I can’t live with him either since he’s still with my mother plus in a different country.

I found my province has a Adult Protective Services (APS) which supposed to help disabled adults if they’re abused. But CPS is supposed to help children and they were called 3x in 2 months and made my life worse so I don’t trust them. APS may make my life worse too. I have trouble communicating, it takes hard work and meltdowns to write/type, voice talking is worse, there’s a good chance I can’t call so I hope they get a texting option. I don’t know what they’d do if they do help, do they put me in some kind of adult foster care? A few years ago my mother said she’d put me in a group home, that’s not a perfect option and still risky, but if they have ones for adults my age then maybe it’s the best I can get. In a extreme situation I will try to contact APS, second last resort.

I don’t know what to do. I’m trying my best. I’m really embarrassed and ashamed. I wish I knew someone like me who made it out but the closest I’ve found are still very different, they were able to get out because they’re different. I don’t know anyone like me. I’m alone. I hate being negative, complaining when nothing good comes out of it. I want to post an uplifting story. Sorry about that. I feel like a bad person for writing/posting this. Bottling it up is destroying my recovery faster. I don’t want to bother my online friend.

Positive: Cyanotis kewensis is very soft, the leaves and stems covered in the softest trichomes, it makes me feel better to rub it against my skin. I really love this plant it makes me feel happy and safe.

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Post Information
Title Struggling to cope with how the person I live with treats me
Author 6-leslie
Upvotes 24
Comments 6
Date September 1, 2022 11:50 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link
Original Link

[–]UnHope20 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through so much. You shouldn't be treated so cruelly, even if your situation is comparatively better than your previous living arrangements, you still have a right to ask for a respectful healthy relationship from your gm. If you want to talk feel free to PM me.

[–]Cyb3rd31ic_Citiz3n 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Hang in there, mate. You're making progress to escaping your situation and making something new for yourself.

Definetly contact the APS and ask them for advice and other services they'd recommend. Don't ask them for direct intervention or help. Make that clear you just want their recommendations for other services. Start there.

I'm sorry I don't have anything else to offer up as I am in a different country. But know I am deeply respectful of the adversity you've gone through and how well you've managed to cope so far. Be proud of yourself. Don't let anyone take that away from you - FUCK them!

Remember, abuse is still a criminal offense in most countries. You always havr the option of calling the police.

[–]6-leslie[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

ask them for advice and other services they'd recommend. Don't ask them for direct intervention or help. Make that clear you just want their recommendations for other services. Start there.

I didn't think of that. It's a good idea, I can try that. I'm nervous but I'll try to get the courage to do that soon. Thank you for the idea.

Thank you for the entire message and encouragement too. It means a lot someone recognizes how hard I'm trying. I'm proud of myself but it's hard to stay that way when discouraged daily. In middle school my guidance counsellor told me because of negativity bias, 5-10 compliments are needed to outweigh 1 insult. I don't know if that's true, for my brain it seems true. It stuck with me. I try to give myself the compliments now, but then I Worry I'm narcissistic. It's really nice to have someone else do/see it sometimes, gives relief from worrying I have a harmful ego.

I'll continue trying my best. I want to make it out. I break the cycle.💜

[–]Cyb3rd31ic_Citiz3n 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I reckon if you keep moving toward your goal you'll get there. Just never stop, just take smaller steps if needs be...or bigger ones if you can!

It's much easier to tear something down then build something up. That's why people do it. So best thing to do is to recognise the people doing that don't have your best interest to heart. That's why I say they can fuck off.

[–]BlackoutWalksAlone 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Hey I know our situations aren't the same but I do understand it. It's really devastating and mind boggling when your family treats you like shit. Not to mention, them actively hurting you and any chance you have to heal or remotely get better. Even though we are different, I may be in a similar position and I do understand your plight. You deserve to be treated with respect even if you can't work, go to college, drive, find a partner, etc. I really do feel for you.

[–]6-leslie[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're the closest I've met to someone like me & can understand. I really appreciate you talking to me. You deserve respect too. Thank you bro 💜

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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