Struggling to cope with how the person I live with treats me

I’m disabled 20yo man, can’t work, go to college, drive, and I don’t have offline friends or a partner. I’m isolated. I used to live with abusive parents in a very fucked up place. When I was 17 my parents left to another country and I was left with my (older) sister whose also a really bad person that molested me and her boyfriend who was also a bad person. They were meant to take care of me but they didn’t so I was allowed to visit my grandparents. My grandfather suddenly died during my visit so I stayed longer than plannt to keep her company. Ended up living there for past 2 years with just my grandmother. Still living here so the person I live is my grandmother.

I used to love my grandmother but after 2 years of her intentionally treating me bad and it getting worse I hate her. Ok I feel bad saying that and worry no one’s going to understand/think I’m a shit guy for hating an elderly woman. I’m hoping LWMA-adjacent subreddit will understand and not have misandrist bias.

I’m clear about my boundaries since I came here, Communication is important. I don’t argue, Its (one-sided) respectful. She doesn’t care, she ignores my boundaries daily. She knows what hurts me and does it anyway. Almost every time she sees me she is going to put me down, insult me and someone/thing that makes me happy. She tells me I’m a burden in various ways and she said no one will take care of me when she dies (unless my lifelong mental & physical disabilities disappear). She refuses to take responsibility, apologize, and blames me for things that aren't my fault. Sometimes public humiliation. She hurts my senses (sensory processing issues, torture). In the beginning I blamed myself, made excuses for her, it’ll get better/she’ll stop soon, but it’s gotten worse over time. In June she did something cruel like how my other family treated me, I cried & begged and she kept going. Since then I’ve hated her and am scared of her. I’m struggling to deal with how she treats me. Uncomfortable to admit I relapsed recently, not too bad and haven’t touched since but I badly want to again. To stress how much this is affecting me. I really can’t handle it and nothing I can do to stop her.

How I’m living now is incredible life compared to how I used to with other family members. So I feel guilty complaining and I’m overdramatic. I’m trying my best to recover from how I grew up, drug addiction, suicide attempt on my own since I have no support (mental health team abandoned me over Covid). I made a lot of progress and my grandmother is fucking it up. Trying my best to keep it up but it feels impssible. She’s making me hate myself again. She punishes me for getting better, being happy, self-respect, and taking care of my physical health including showering or taking care of my skin/autoimmune disease. Discouraging. I compliment myself but it doesn't outweigh.

Since June I’ve been trying to avoid her but I’m stupid gullible. I’ll avoid her successfully for a bit then I’ll be happy and want to share it with her, here’s something that made me happy/I’m proud of hoping she’ll share the happiness and instead she puts me down. But I keep doing it!!!!! At the same time I can’t relax, I’m always on edge she will come to me to punish me, I want to go share happiness with her. I’m the most distrusting & most gullible human at the same time. This has been my life and I can’t stop, I don’t know why. I thought if I was slave to my sister she’d stop hurting me and she didn’t instead molested me so this incurable gullibleness of mine I really hate, but i can’t stop. It’s shocking I thought my grandmother was nice. She’s like my mother (her daughter) but less bad.

She said she’d kill herself if I wasnt here but she makes it clear she wants me gone. She contradicts herself to mess with my head. She does the classic “you can/should always talk to me” despite treating me bad whenever I try even about lighthearted wholesome things, and teaching me I’m a burden. Not telling her im sick until it gets too bad I have To see doctor, because she taught me that’s what I should do . She blamed me and says I should’ve told her earlier. If I told her she would’ve reacted the same. She didnt care when I finally told her, It’s only because she she found blood later she did. Today she blamed me for the general surgeon still not calling to make appointment to diagnose my sickness. She has good moments and uses the good moments to excuse her bad behaviour.

Today was a good day and she was nice, a bit rude but not that bad and quickly acted nice again. She bought me Cyanotis kewensis which is a favourite plant I’ve been searching for months, very grateful. But I try to tell her about something silly my chipmunk friend who makes me really happy did , I wanted to share my happiness and she put me down. She called my friend disgusting and she hates him and im scared she’ll hurt him. She hates the bunny I take care of too, and scared she’ll hurt her too.

My life is a risky mess. I can be forced back to living with my parents or sister who is much worse than grandmother, or kicked out into streets. I don’t know what to do. I need to find a new living situation at least as backup. Preferably not as backup for extreme situation, because I know if I live here for too long I can’t keep recovering. But I can’t live on my own and I don’t have friends or partner to live with. I have an aunt and uncle I love but when I tried telling them about my mother abusing me they said “Your mother would never do that.” So they’re no help. My father seems to have gotten better and breaking the cycle, I’m proud of him, I love him now, but I can’t live with him either since he’s still with my mother plus in a different country.

I found my province has a Adult Protective Services (APS) which supposed to help disabled adults if they’re abused. But CPS is supposed to help children and they were called 3x in 2 months and made my life worse so I don’t trust them. APS may make my life worse too. I have trouble communicating, it takes hard work and meltdowns to write/type, voice talking is worse, there’s a good chance I can’t call so I hope they get a texting option. I don’t know what they’d do if they do help, do they put me in some kind of adult foster care? A few years ago my mother said she’d put me in a group home, that’s not a perfect option and still risky, but if they have ones for adults my age then maybe it’s the best I can get. In a extreme situation I will try to contact APS, second last resort.

I don’t know what to do. I’m trying my best. I’m really embarrassed and ashamed. I wish I knew someone like me who made it out but the closest I’ve found are still very different, they were able to get out because they’re different. I don’t know anyone like me. I’m alone. I hate being negative, complaining when nothing good comes out of it. I want to post an uplifting story. Sorry about that. I feel like a bad person for writing/posting this. Bottling it up is destroying my recovery faster. I don’t want to bother my online friend.

Positive: Cyanotis kewensis is very soft, the leaves and stems covered in the softest trichomes, it makes me feel better to rub it against my skin. I really love this plant it makes me feel happy and safe.