~ archived since 2018 ~

Wife made an Onlyfans account behind my back.

November 2, 2021

Sorry for the length, and for any formatting.

So, in the past, we had joked about her making an onlyfans and selling feet pics for extra money. We've made the joke many times over the past couple of years, and honestly, had that been it, I wouldn't have even cared. 

This past Wednesday morning, before she left for work, she confessed to having one, which I thought was a joke at first. After a couple of minutes of awkward silence she asked what I thought, which was the first time it hit me that she was serious. I asked her how long she had been doing it and she replied with "A couple of days, I've made about $50." I asked what kind of content she was putting up there and she replied "I'm not showing my asshole or anything." Which I thought was am odd and vague answer, and I said that. She stated "Just lingerie pictures." I asked "So like, lingerie pics. Are your tits out?" which was met with a resounding "No!"

She again asked how I felt. I told her it was kind of weird, and I wished she had talked to me about it first, but if she wanted to do it, I wouldn't stop her, but I didn't want her putting nudes on there or messaging people. She said that sounded fair. It was about time for her to leave for work, so the conversation ended there. 

She works all day and I work all night, so we go a couple of days without really seeing each other but in passing pretty regularly. The next time we had a chance to sit down and talk was Thursday night. I asked her to show me the page, just so I knew what was being put on there. She showed me, and took me to her feed. It's important to note here, I don't have any experience with the site, so I didn't realize the feed and her landing page were different. The feed seemed okay. A handful of lingerie covered boob pics, a few pics with some toys, but again, no nudity. I did see the messages tab and pressed it, it was empty. Everything seemed to be on par with what she told me. She also told me that it didn't make her feel good like she thought it would, so she was gonna stop. I told her that it was up to her at this point. 

Then came Friday. I felt like there was more than what she was telling me, and thought it was weird that in her feed there was posts from the official OF page. I was alone with my thoughts, and they kept pointing at she was lying. So I did what any reasonable man would, created a fake onlyfans account and subscribed to her page. 

As you can guess, I was met with more than what I was shown the previous night. The banner at the top of her page was her in the shower, tits out obviously. I scrolled down to look at her pictures, and it was pretty much what I had seen the night before, but I did notice that she only posted on days I work. I do rotation, 7 on/7 off, and she was posting daily or more when I worked, none when I was off. Also, the dates of the posts that were "a couple of days" were spanning over two and a half weeks. I also noticed a tab labeled "Archive" and clicked on it. That's where the fun began. 

I was met with a handful of bare tit and ass pictures with full captions and kiss faces and such. She wasn't "showing her asshole" but only cause she wasn't quite bent over far enough, barely. This set me off in a rage. Do I wake her up at 4 a.m. and yell? Do I catfish her with this fake account? Do I try to remain calm and talk to her? It was a harder decision than it should've been, but I tried to keep my cool and waited until Friday night to talk to her. 

The abridged version of the conversation went as follows: 

Me: Let me see the account again. 

Wife: I deleted it. 

M: Let me see anyways. 

W: (huffs and hands over phone)

M: So, smaller thing, but you told me you had only been posting for a couple of days and this goes back to almost 3 weeks. 

W: I honestly didn't realize it had been that long. 

M: Also, why didn't you show me your landing page instead of just your feed? There's stuff on there I didn't see. 

W: It's the same stuff. 

M: (Goes to landing page with banner) I didn't see this picture the other night. 

W: It was there. 

M: (Scrolls down to where a new picture had been posted) I didn't see this picture either. 

W: You said you didn't care if I kept doing it. 

M: but you said you were done, if you were going to continue, you should have told me. You also told me you didn't have any pictures with your tits out. 

W: I don't, I'm not confident enough to post stuff like that. 

M: (Press the archive button to pull up the nudes) what are these then?

W: Those are deleted, I put them up and immediately deleted them, no one can see them. 

M: (Texts her photos of the nudes I seen from my account) Nope, anyone can see them. I also don't think you immediately deleted them. One is from the night before you told me. My guess is you freaked out after you told me and archived the bad ones, and purposely only showed me the feed so I wouldn't see these. 

W: ...sure. 

M: "Sure" isn't really an answer, is that what you did or not?

W: Yes. 

What proceeded this was an argument where how everything I had ever done is what led to this. I hit an upvote and commented on one bikini picture on reddit, so I made her feel self conscious. A female acquaintance would occasionally comment or like my Facebook posts, so I must have been running around with this girl who lives 4 hours away with her boyfriend. Also, she said she didn't see a difference in OF and when she was a stripper a while back. I told her it was different because we talked about it beforehand and had ground rules set. She quit stripping because she couldn't adhere to the rules we set up (I didn't want to hear about her grinding on guys and no solo parties at a guys house, she broke both of those).

I also asked her who all knew that she was doing this. It was her sister, her mom, and two friends. I told her I did not want any of them around, at least for a while, because they knew and must've thought that I was a fucking idiot for not knowing. She said she understood, but then invited her sister to come trick or treating with us, and waited until we were at the meet up spot to tell me her sister was coming. 

Like, I get the want for validation, and quite honestly, had she been upfront, I would have supported her, with some basic rules in place. Am I wrong for being pissed? Am I wrong for not wanting to be around the people who knew? I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, not without adding more people who think I'm an idiot. I don't know. I just needed to get it off my chest before I did something stupid. 

If you read this far, thank you. I'm open to feedback, but mostly just needed to put this out there. 

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[–]Maxwell1138 47 points48 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Alright, first off... you are not upset about the fact she had an OnlyFans or what she posted on the OnlyFans. You are upset about the breach of trust. You hopefully know this but I'm saying it out loud so we can be clear up front. Thats why you don't want to be around the people that did know because its a reminder that she trusted them but not you with the truth of the situation. She lied to you, gaslighted you, and then when you caught her lying she tried to turn it back against you.

You have every right to be upset. Your feelings are entirely valid and you have a right to complain about what happened because you were wronged. She was not harmed or mistreated in anything that happened, you were. She was the one that withheld, lied, gaslighted, and then shamed you. This is reinforced by the fact that she was performing most of the work for this when you were working, to make sure you didn't happen upon it.

Right now you need to express how you feel and feel justified in how you feel. It will help to work through it and get passed it. Then you can start figuring out where you want to go from here. It does seem like your wife needs outside validation to make herself feel sexy. Which is not anything you should feel responsible for. Some people are just like that. One opinion isn't enough no matter who the sources is. Some people just need the opinions of the masses.

If you really are totally okay with her making and posting OnlyFans content then you should try to find a way to tell her that. You can set down some ground rules just like you did with her previous dancing work. And because its an OnlyFans she can't really ever hide it from you because you can track her activities with anonymous accounts. Though I would recommend against that because it'll just undermine your trust of each other.

Trust is a very important thing in a relationship and its very easily lost. Yours was just violated. So you need to start working from the ground up to rebuild that. Its why you are so upset about the sister coming with you to trick or treat. Was she invited before you asked not to be around her? It doesn't matter. What matters is that you have lost trust in your wife and are suspicious of everything shes doing now.

Re-establishing that trust is priority one after you've worked through being upset about what happened. Whatever you feel is the best way to do that, thats how you do it. Remember that it was YOUR trust that was violated. This isn't about her, or how shes feeling, or her motivations. She broke your trust. That has to be repaired, otherwise the entire marriage is basically a write off. Without trust you have nothing.


[–]Dabainya 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Good thought on this case!!

[–]YearningConnection 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That wouldve taken me hours to write. Nice job!

[–]grasscoveredhouses 24 points25 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Look at the pattern for what it is. She doesn't respect your sexual boundaries, goes looking for sexual validation outside the relationship, lies about it, and tries to gaslight you.

Look at it for what it is and deal accordingly my friend.

[–]Thr1ft 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]Andreomgangen 18 points19 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As other poster said the breach of trust is the issue, but furthermore as you confronted her, she then tried to turn the blame on her actions on to you.

For me this is a deal-breaker in a relationship, that's an abusive quality she displayed that is designed to gas light your experience of reality, allow that and she can do whatever she wants forevermore, and it will still just be your fault.

[–]UnHope20 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a difficult position to be in and much respect to you for letting us know what's on your mind. If you're ok with it, I'd like to ask you some questions? Feel free to "pass" if you don't want to answer.

1.) Why do you suppose she was dishonest with you?

2.) Is this dishonesty part of a pattern?

3.) Do her sister, mom and friends know that you know?

4.) Does her dad know?

5.) Does she often try to scapegoat you when an argument occurs or does she occasionally take responsibility for her actions?

Sorry this happened brother, but you can get past this. I suggest marriage counseling if this dishonesty persists as there is no way to build a relationship on lies.

[–]SaracensFlanker 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There is little practical I can offer you in the way of advice on what to do. I only want to say I'm sorry you're going through this trying situation - and that I hear you.

You have every right to feel the way that you do, and I hope you have some close friends you can confide in about this so you have someone (relatively) neutral as a sounding board about anything you're thinking or planning to do next.

[–]Skirt_Douglas 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

“I deleted it.”

“Let me see it anyways”

hands over a phone with a clearly not deleted OF account.

The only person I see here that seems to think you are an idiot is your wife. Not only does she blatantly lie to your face, she gives the kind of poorly thought out lie that one would give to their grandparents knowing they are too technologically illiterate to find the truth.

Just about anybody born in the last 45 years knows the difference between deleting something and archiving it. She either thinks your a doormat who will just take everything she says at face value, or so inept that you can’t navigate basic internet.

Then the gaslighting at the end was just… Ugh.

So I would have zero trust in her at this point, which is kind of a relationship deal breaker. I’m not sure if you haven’t discussed this with her yet, but it needs to be discussed that trust is the backbone of a relationship, and without it, you guys don’t really have much to stand on.

You have a right to be pissed, she has stomped on your trust.

I can understand why you wouldn’t want to see other people who knew out of embarrassment, but it’s not them who is making a fool out of you, it’s your wife. Any animosity toward them simply for knowing is misplaced, and is going to cause them to see you as more of a villain than you actually are.

I don’t have any straight forward “take 2 of these and call me in the morning” kind of advice, but this breach of trust needs to be addressed. The lying needs to end now, because this is some deal-breaking shit.

[–]OrdinaryYoghurt 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Already some great responses here.

Just wanted to add my own validation for you and say you are absolutely not in the wrong. It's her responsibility to communicate her feelings about a lack of validation and intimacy, and going behind your back and beyond your boundaries is not a mature way to circumvent that. You shouldn't of had to second guess her in the first place.

This is a messy situation, made even messier by your work schedule. I imagine your finances aren't in the best situation to let you step back from work to address this, or to try to start couples therapy, but I imagine some change is going to need to occur to fix this cycle of validation, and to fix the damage to your trust. I wish you the best of luck, try to follow your gut feeling on this one if you can, that is what has helped me in situations like this in the past.

Goodluck <3 you're worthy of validation and love as well.

[–]AndemianAndem1 19 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'd say you should divorce but, alimony might ruin your life. Sorry this happened to you.

[–]Gpda0074 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Onlyfans is one primary reason I refuse to date anymore, sorry this happened to you bro. I wouldn't want my woman's tits all over the internet either.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[permanently deleted]

[–]a-man-from-earth[M] -5 points-4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

MGTOW and TRP content is not welcome here. Neither is ALLCAPS.

[–]new2it 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

NTA, not the asshole.

cross post this to "am i the asshole", and see the overwhelming responses saying you are not the asshole.

[–]a-man-from-earth 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Since he is the man, I would expect AITA to brand him the asshole, as per usual. That sub is notoriously biased.

[–]new2it -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


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