After telling my story on Reddit, I received dozens of PMs telling me that I was "a pussy" or "wasn't really raped because I didn't fight back".

shadowbanned6 · 2012-11-26T06:50:11+00:00

People don't seem to realize that men will get thrown in jail for resisting or fighting back because women's word is law in the West when it comes to sex crimes.

2012-11-26T07:09:59+00:00

Oh my god, I'm so sorry! That is so sad. She obviously had a lot of issues. Are you doing better? What did you do to recover? To help yourself?

I was raped and my dad told me the same thing when I finally opened up. You didn't fight back, so you must have wanted it. Never mind that we are often socialized to be gentle, to be passive, to suffer like it's a virtue.

I am so sorry. I offer you hugs, if you are into that.

Edit: I know I'm not really answering your question, but my heart goes out to you, and I want you to know someone hears you, however impersonal it feels.

Wichelle · 2012-11-26T10:06:45+00:00

This is called Rape Shaming, and its repugnant in all its forms.

Jazzeki · 2012-11-26T08:26:28+00:00

now these people should go tell women who didn't fight back that they weren't raped. that one will go over great i bet.

2012-11-26T08:31:27+00:00

I'm sorry to hear what you have gone through. As a man who has also been the victim of sexual abuse by women, I really do empathize. And this is precisely the reason why I never tell my story in public; even though I found my experience to be creepy, disturbing and objectionable.

But people like you, who are courageous enough to step forward, is the reason why I may one day gather the courage to speak about it.

There are a lot of people reading this subreddit, who do not have any sympathy with male victims. They are a bunch of ignorant bigots, bastards, and bitches. Don't even spend a minute thinking about them.

axxys · 2012-11-26T11:46:18+00:00

Not that I'm condoning their behaviour, but anonymous people on the internet will tend to be idiots in all things. Don't let it get to you, they're just being repugnant to get a reaction.

JesusChristSuperDick · 2012-11-26T13:39:11+00:00

A lot of people told me to suck it up and that I am lucky because she is attractive.

rightsbot · 2012-11-26T04:56:25+00:00

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Lecks · 2012-11-26T13:55:51+00:00

Someone should introduce those assholes to the concept of shock.

eberkimer · 2012-11-26T14:16:49+00:00

Screw that. I'd post screenshots of each one of those, showing the user names.

Puck_marin · 2012-11-26T14:50:03+00:00

This is a horrible story and I feel bad for you. It never should have happened.

I was the victim of emotional abuse by my soon to be ex-wife. After we separated she did everything in her power to threaten me and label me a stalker. She even had me arrested on false charges. Even now, after I've been found innocent and cleared of all charges people don't believe me. They take her side.

One of her tactics was to contact friends & people I knew (including my employer) and say horrible things about me. These are people who have known me for years and know that I would never do the things she said, yet somehow they still believed her. I've lost long time friends over the ordeal. The upside is that it opened my eyes to severe issues in the legal system as well as let me know who my "true" friends were.

Tamen_ · 2012-11-26T15:17:18+00:00

I think it is a shame and a black spot on the reputation of this community when this happens.

Probably many of those sending those PMs were throwaways, but otherwise I say "out" them for their lack of empathy, their ignorance or their assholery.

I have been reluctant to go into details about what happened to me here for this reason. I didn't fight off my rapist as I simply froze when I woke up and realized what was happening. The thought to force her off me never occured to me. I wanted it to end and the quickest way I could think off which didn't involve me (in my mind at the time) assaulting her was to fake an orgasm. Then she climbed off. I made sure to never meet her again.

It affected me in many ways. For a long time I resented women in general, I felt unsafe around them in certain situation and for a long while I was completely unable to orgasm with a woman. All of these improved when I got to grips with what happened and resolved the internal conflict I had which could be summed up like this: "I have been told and taught that I should've want this, but why didn't I like it". Claiming for myself the same rights to bodily integrity as I've been taught women have helped me, but I couldn't help but notice that although I heard from many men and boys similar stories as mine almost none of those men had framed it in the same way as I had. They denied themselves the same right as women have and I wondered how that affected their view of women. When some of them spoke in manners that disrespected a woman's right to say no I couldn't help but wonder if that was a result of doing towards others what they've learned can be done to them.

I know I do harp on about it, but the NISVS 2010 Report shows that more and more men are no longer willing to "man up" and ignore any sexual abuse/violence from women. They increasingly are saying: If that's the standard then it applies to me too.

Nevertheless I note that it seems a lot more men feel safe to tell their story of sexual abuse, sexual violence and rape from women (and men) here than in feminist spaces - despite the message that feminism is egalitarianism and that it helps men too.

That is not a surprise to me because when I first began to discuss these matters online a decade or so ago I found that it was almost exclusively feminists who talked about sexual assault, violence and rape. Engaging them quickly led to accusations of "what about the menz", concern trolling and finally accusations that I was engaging in a reductio ad absurdum argument trying to justify rape of women when I pointed out that men are victims too. That in particular enraged me (I have women close to me who are victims of rape), but in the end it told bucket loads more about her than it did about me and my motivations.

I've found out that women are extremely uncomfortable with the notion that they too migth've been perpetrators of sexual abuse or violence. However, as long as women are ignorant of the reality of it (rather than dimly aware of a small theoretical possibillty (but it really never really happens) only mentioned to placate the "what about the menz"-whiners) and the apparent ubiquity of it they still have an increased risk to become perpetrators. A belief that women as good as never can overcome men's defenses and as good as never can sexually violate a man means that there is no braking point for the woman when she finds herself in the situation where she wants sex from a man and he doesn't want it.

Currently the main reason why women are seeking consent from men is for self-esteem issues. This is illustrated perfectly by feminists like Hugo schwyzer who wrote that it's worse for a woman to be turned down than it is for a man. That argument was put forth in an article about libido differences between partners. Another article on a feminist blog about a woman who nagged her partner into sex (first the author admitted that she was reluctant to call it rape although she probably would if the gender were reversed) had several commenters pointing out that the woman was the victim of the "men want any sex all the time" myth since his initial "no" only served as a hurdle she had to overcome in order to restore her self-esteem. It was an expertly executed move centering of the woman as the primary victim.

iwontrememberthis75 · 2012-11-27T03:02:24+00:00

As a fellow rape victim I empathize with you. I'm a woman but I was raped more than once in various circumstances. Once- I ran away from home when I was a teenager and my BFF and I crashed at her friends home. He was supposed to be away- he was a 30 something family friend of hers. I awoke to him raping me in bed- I was shocked- I said "No" - albeit feebly because I WAS STUNNED BY DISBELIEF AND FEAR. When I he finished I ran to my BFF because I wanted reassurance- her response "you should have said No". Me: "I did say no, he didn't give me a chance he was raping me when I WOKE UP" her: "well I didn't hear you and I was in the room right next door so it wasn't rape, you should have screamed and besides he'd never do that.". ....Blaming the victim happens a lot- whether you are a girl, boy, woman or man, it is tremendously common. It's easier for people to identify more with a perpetrator and put it in a "nicer" frame than to understand or try to connect with the victim sometimes. I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I firmly believe anyone can be raped. And that's the horrifying thing about life and horrible humans.

Splinter1591 · 2012-11-27T08:37:49+00:00

Dude people say I wasnt assaulted because I blacked out drunk in my underwear.

People are asses. It is easier to blame you and other victims then feel guilty for something they might have done

2012-11-26T17:52:07+00:00

I don't get it.

Your original post has a few bad apples and a bunch of people giving you support, what's the drama?

Oh wait, you got PMs... nevermind.

Title	After telling my story on Reddit, I received dozens of PMs telling me that I was "a pussy" or "wasn't really raped because I didn't fight back".
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	114
Comments	47
Date	November 26, 2012 4:41 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/13sp7q/after_telling_my_story_on_reddit_i_received/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/after-telling-my-story-on-reddit-i-received-dozens.1008315 https://theredarchive.com/post/1008315