Are men really pressured to repress emotions in order to appear strong?

Mazzmarach · 2022-05-14T14:23:44+00:00

I've been pressured to be strong by my girlfriend because she needs: a "rock". She usually tells me that she wants a "strong" man when I wind up sharing my thoughts and feelings whenever she shares her thoughts and feelings; and this leads me to think that she has no idea what a "strong" man is, because the way it comes out, she thinks I'm weak.
I don't give a hoot what I appear like to anybody I encounter. I only care that I am able to act accordingly when the situation calls for it.
I find it hard to express anything, mostly because I'm not an expressive person by nature; and when I do share my feelings, I've been accused of making everything about me, which discourages me even further. So, normally, I don't talk about my feelings. Anyone else's feelings I'll gladly listen to, because sometimes a good ear is all you need.
Men express emotions in ways both subtle and overt. We don't sit around and talk, we go about and do; if we can't do anything about what we're feeling, we explode.
I am unaware of any studies or attempts by anyone to even begin addressing how men feel and how they share these feelings with the world. There was this TED Talk from a divorce lawyer saying how fathers are important in every child's life, but that was it.

I hope I answered these to your liking.

lordluke10 · 2022-05-14T15:03:17+00:00

When i was younger, i was more open with my emotions, and never saw any romantic interest from women. As I've gotten older, I've had success with women by pretending to be more relaxed and "cold" and just dealing with stuff on my own or with male friends who can emphasize.
I don't want to, but to appear attractive to women, and have authority and respect at work with both genders, i have to.
I struggle with telling romantic interest that I'm into them, or compliment them, because I've been indirectly taught that appearing too eager is very risky with women.
Yes, but not in the way the feminists suggests. Unless men get good experiences in the situations that truly matters to them, it's not gonna happen.
Yes, the patriarchy is not behind this, womens preferences are: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21604870/

buried_alive0 · 2022-05-14T15:56:08+00:00

1 - Yes. I've told dates about struggles of the past. I could see their attraction dying in their eyes. Even if it was stuff I had already dealt with.

2 - Yes. It's very important to appear this way in social situatons. People don't respect men who had a rough life and talk about it. This is especially in dating. "Show weakness and she's gone" is a known red pill subject.

3 - Yes. It's both actually. Communicating love too much can give the impression you're desperate and needy and negative emotions give the impression you're a wreck, weak, loser, failure.

4- Yes. Society needs to empathyze with men. There are a lot of ways life can go wrong and many of them don't make a man lesser.

5 - I don't see this as a patriarchy issue. There is no patriarchy. This is a problerm cause by women's preferences.

I don't know if there are studies, but there are several stories regarding the "show weakness and she's gone" subject.

Al_Modir · 2022-05-14T15:58:35+00:00

Yep and mostly by women. There are countless times that I as a man have comforted random strangers (not to mention people I know) both men and women just simply because they needed someone to talk to yet have been hounded for demanding “free labour” from women whenever I have made the mistake of ever opening up about a particular problem or being emotionally vulnerable in front of a woman. The thing is I never even think about it, it’s basic human decency to be there for someone who needs it, sure I could be doing better things with my time but I guess I wasnt raised to be an asshole to other people, but it’s like certain feminist types actually get a kick out of beating someone when they’re down.

2wicky · 2022-05-14T15:12:45+00:00

It's always framed as if you are not expressing or venting your emotions, you are repressing it. And as such, men need to be taught this because they have a one dimensional relationship with their emotions. None of this is true.

One of the most important skills a boy can learn is to let go of his emotions when it no longer serves its purpose. Not hold on to it, not repress it, but let go of it.

If someone cuts me off in traffic for example, it's OK for me to feel angry or frustrated in the moment, but the skill is to then let go of that emotion as there is no point in holding on to it, letting it fester and ruin the rest of my day. The goal is to live without offload baggage, not accumulate it. And you can't repress baggage you don't have.

To put it another way: Boys are controlled by their emotional state. Men on the other hand are in control of their emotional state.

And one of the easiest ways to control your emotional state is if you have the ability to let go of emotions as you see fit.

But that is just one skill of many that we need to learn to balance. Sometimes for example, we may not have the option of letting go and instead need to act before we loose control of our emotions. That means directly confronting the issue and resolving the matter before we turn our emotional state into for example resentment.

These type of skills are especially important as most guys will learn fairly quickly that they really need to be careful when they do open up about the issues they face. It usually results in punishment and ridicule rather than help or compassion.

Hopefully, by now, you starting to see the picture that a man's emotional state is not one dimensional and for him to have a healthy outlook on life, he must employ a certain level of emotional intelligence. The advice that most boys are given, even when I was a boy was simply deficient and unhelpful.

Oncefa2 · 2022-05-14T14:26:56+00:00

There's research suggesting that men do express themselves, we just do it differently than women.

For example men are less likely to cry but are more likely to express frustration.

There's even relevance here when it comes to clinical psychology, which is where this research comes from.

When in distress, women tend to want to talk about their feelings whereas men tend to want to fix whatever is causing the distress (Holloway et al. 2018).

https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-030-04384-1_5

https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=3804277

Look up Belinda Brown, Miles Groth, and Rob Whitley as well.

It's possible that male forms of expression are seen as less valid than female forms of expression and that's why people think men don't express themselves. If they don't do it the way women do, it becomes invisible.

DeliberatelyInsane · 2022-05-14T16:44:36+00:00

I was seven when an older boy beat me up at school.

All that teachers and my family had to say to the upset me was “Boy’s don’t cry.”

fixingmedaybyday · 2022-05-14T16:00:13+00:00

I definitely have felt pressure from women to suppress emotions and be a strong steady rock. When I did express emotions, I was accused of being manipulative for sharing them. Essentially I was not allowed to feel the negative emotions angry, sad, scared or disgusted. I thought I was just letting that shit go but I realize now I was suppressing it.

abicrais · 2022-05-14T17:08:25+00:00

[permanently deleted]

vaaralinen · 2022-05-14T17:48:50+00:00

Yes. Both by girlfriends and boyfriends (as a pansexual), who wanted a "manly alpha man who can tell them what to do and be hard and not a sissy but also do everything his partner says and be a soft pillow to cry on when it's needed", some left me for people who were manly enough to treat them like shite (well, a common "nice guy" thing). As I've said once, most women are looking for a guard dog when they say they're looking for a partner.
I want to, but not all the time, and with me it's more a human thing than a man thing. No, I don't think so
Not at all, although it took me a lot of time and effort to get there (again, not due to being a man)
Definitely, although it also applies to all people. Heard so many people, mostly men of course, say they can't be allowed to feel emotions as all emotions are a weakness, even that people should be afraid to express emotions under the threat of death (which these men obviously are afraid of), women shaming men for feeling anything, crying, "not being a man" in general, this "anti-emotions" approach is terrifyingly sad.
Might've seen these, but never cared enough to read attentively so can't give any sources

WiseBoy_Level100 · 2022-05-14T18:18:54+00:00

I was always a sensitive guy, always very in touch with my emotions and feelings, I didn't really understand why many men hid their emotions. That is, until I got to highschool and realized no one gives a fuck about my feeling and often don't mind using the things I told them in confidence to hurt me. My own friends did this. Women complain about men not showing emotions, but when we do, they stab us in the heart. Nobody cares about our well being, so we hide what makes us vulnerable, because if we let our vulnerabilities exposed, people will not think twice before exploiting them. In my experience, both genders do this, but women are more sadistic and cruel when doing it.

ABeeBox · 2022-05-14T19:19:10+00:00

Got groped in a club, full on hand grabbing my junk. Told security in that club, was told to "fuck off".

Also got hit on an older woman when I was a minor and apparently that was a "good thing" (as told by others) even though I was uncomfortable and did not enjoy it.

Got my ass slapped two other times and also physically abused by a woman/junkie but never told anyone because I wasn't taken seriously the other two times and it was nothing more than humiliating being told that I "Just have a small dick" or that I'm "probably gay" or that I "Probably enjoyed it".

Ezekias1337 · 2022-05-14T22:43:34+00:00

Yes, this is a personal anecdote, but let me give you an example.

Once as a child (4-5 years old) I was in a bounce house and sprained my ankle. I went inside to put ice on it, and I was crying. Some woman tells me "You're a man, you ain't supposed to be crying cut that shit out"

OldEgalitarianMRA · 2022-05-14T14:35:13+00:00

Sometimes men expression anxiety or depression by working a lot of overtime.

WhereProgressIsMade · 2022-05-16T17:04:43+00:00

It is necessary to mostly maintain a stoic aura if I want to maintain my wife's attraction for me. Before I learned this, I had several relationships in the past that fell apart due to me being overly emotional, sharing my struggles, even if they were things in the past that I no longer struggled with.
Yes, but mostly because it's part of what maintains my wife's sexual attraction for me and I enjoy that attraction. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't care as much if I appeared appear strong/dominant.
I find I'm just as emotional as my wife or what is typical for women. I just don't outwardly show it very often is the main difference. I reflect on my own mostly (introspection). As a religions person, prayer is very helpful at times. If that's not enough, I've had close guy friends in the past I could trust to help me work through things when I needed it.
I believe you can't change what hetrosexual men are attracted to in women and you can't change what hetrosexual women are attracted to in men. For example, the body positivity movement is trying hard to shame men for not being attracted to morbidly obese women, but they're never going to succeed because in making the majority of men actually attracted to morbid obesity because it's just the way men are wired. All they can succeed at is teaching men to deny that their level of attraction has anything to do with obesity. And seem to be succeeding at causing confusion and deluding women into thinking it shouldn't be important to men. Similarity, women are hard-wired to be sexually attracted to men who have a stoic persona of being a rock and repulsed by men who act like wimps or are overly emotional. I don't think culture can change that. We've had a couple generations now of culture pushing men to be more effeminate, but women still go after the most masculine men and shun the effeminate men who bought the lie that it would be attractive to women.

dpv20 · 2022-05-14T21:31:39+00:00

All men hear our fathers, grandfathers, uncles even teachers (males and females) say "men dont cry" as the only response to crying or beging sad, even if you laugh too much you would have been repriminded abour not exagerating

This 2 things were done to the point of making u feel shame about showing emotions

icedragon71 · 2022-05-15T01:57:07+00:00

Unfortunately men's feelings are never taken into account, because they're just seen to be,or meant to be, the emotional support for women only. A great example off the top of my head, is that I went along with a friend to his mother's funeral as support as he was understandably very upset. After the funeral a female relative (Aunt?) came to have a "quiet word" with him to tell him that now the funeral was done,he needed to take a deep breath and "buck up" in order to be there to support his sister because (and i quote) "she's just lost her Mother." Yes. And he lost the same mother,too. But that obviously didn't count.

RubMobile2126 · 2022-05-14T16:42:47+00:00

I think it is time to turn the tables and start pointing out when people are too emotional.

TracyMorganFreeman · 2022-05-14T17:28:50+00:00

No, but they are expected to not buckle under high pressure situations, especially when ones life is on the line.

There are some men and women who think men showing emotion is weak, but thats usually just them being self centered. A man showing emotion means they're thinking about themselves and not the self centered person.

Dry-Rub · 2022-05-15T01:02:46+00:00

As a man i only feel these pressures from women tbh. Ive opened up in ways to my guy friends in pretty vulnerable ways and never felt pressure not to.

redramsfan123 · 2022-05-14T15:39:33+00:00

Yes but it's not the only reason men repress their emotions. It's also because people fear that if a man gets enraged or expresses any other negative emotion he might harm others.

MGTOW_and_Bitcoin · 2022-05-14T16:53:07+00:00

I think men want to appear strong but I believe they are the emotionally weak gender I've never studied a more economically savvy actor then I have when I studied women as a MGTOW

awhatfor · 2022-05-14T17:58:53+00:00

i can only talk about personal experience. First, i am not average, i am way more"childrish" than the other adults (both man and woman) that i know. I think spoiled kid (my parents consent me too much), as in i am neurotic, not responsible, more selfish... But:

1- Yeah, i had bad input for showing "weak" in general by woman. I mostly talk about friends or people i befriended after, but i showed fear in front of man and woman, woman seemed to react heavily, althought not negatively (more like concern). I showed sadness or weakeness (as in: i dont want to get punched by that guy, or i am afraid i won't be able to cope with X incident) and, while men were understanding, didn't care or at most didn't want to hear it, woman reacted far by it with rejection. This is specially true in DATING. I know, for a fact, of woman, who, for a fact, stoped seeing me as atractive, or rejected me because of that. Someonce straight up told me "how can you get pushed by this guy" (a friend of mine who was joking) "when you look so strong?" and then left. I swear to god this happened to me. And they were fine with me before, no signs of rejection. So, i don't know if they were messing with me or simply being honest, but they did do that. I was once "used" (i don't have a better word for it) by a girl online, so its not a good example, but it hit me hard that i once, after a 3 months continuous "partnership", said to her i liked boxing but it was too agresive for me,and we talked less/slower in general, and also stoped talking about certain things, sexual and some non sexual. -must be noted, it was not a sexual/romantic relationship in any way. A small incident in my life, but it kinda stuck me heavily. I really liked this girl.

2- All this didn't lead me to a good aproach towards woman, tbh. I think most man went throught and adapted to whats expected of them in this situations. But i am more childrish... so i can't really deal well with this (showing strenght, being assertive, changing the way i speak, etc, when i simply don't want to. This is selfish of me and as far as i know most man agree with this -that its selfish of me- althought i never had a real conversation about it with anyone). So, i think that yes, in dating and in other spaces, competitive spaces for instance, man try to be dominating. It saves a lot of problems. But almost all of those problems come from woman.

Althought, its more usual for me(and, again, most men, i don't think it comes from my part only) to have a long-term stable friendship relation with men with which i don't really have the confidence/loyalty/intimacy to share this. It would kinda be out of order. With woman, tho, all relationships involve some sort of emotional aspect. I don't know about profesional relationship, tho, i think those are a exception.

Men are more likely, in my experience, to both share and TOLERATE random displays of both anger and expression of agresion. Must be noted, however, that this is some of the things that i/¿we?/¿all humans? try to hide when looking "strong". Also, the reation of someone when you push him/her out of cordiality is, generally, anger, so... there is that adition.

So i would say that looking "strong for woman" is slighty different than "looking strong in general", but somehow feminist talk about the first, not the second. Which their fault.

too long post, but what i want to say regarding this, is that feminist don't care or understand man, and this patriarchal idea is not based on real man, but on their own conceptions, which somehow reached mainstream media and goverment unchecked, and even convinced man (who probably just want to fuck and think that agreeing will help them, or that geniuily are leftish in general or don't want to be bad guys, completely oblivious to the fact that THEY ARE NOT).

But my opinion is biased, like i said. Wow, really long post.

BDT81 · 2022-05-14T17:59:59+00:00

What is your experience? Have you ever felt pressured to be strong/dominant? If so, by whom and in what context?

Less pressured to be strong and more pressured to be capable of doing task (physical or mental) regardless of emotions. Less pressured to be dominant and more seen as worthless when taken advantage of.

Do you want to appear strong/dominant? Or do you think that it is important for a man to be seen as such?

Again, not strong but capable and not dominant but unabused. However, I think this is prevalent for men and women.

Are you repressing emotions? Do you find it hard to communicate your love or do you find it hard express negative feelings?

No. But this could be the result of me auto-repressing from years of conditioning.

Do you think that something needs to be changed in regards of how men express emotions?

We need to stop looking for people to blame for how men feel towards emotions and realize we are all responsible for the current condition.

Are you aware of any studies that either support contradict the assumptions above?

No. I am not aware of any studies.

DirtyPartyMan · 2022-05-14T18:48:19+00:00

Absolutely. Yes.

ChadWolf98 · 2022-05-14T18:55:09+00:00

1, Yes, I heard a lot of times from various people that my criticism or frustration I felt justified was whining. Very few times I realised later they were right but mostly I still think those were right.

2, yes and yes. I think it helps in life. It should not be somethng forced but it should be encouraged.

3, I do. While I find it easy to express them sometimes I think what the response will be.

4, Yea. Being soft should be more accepted, but the most important: legit and angry criticism should be taken account much more.

5, Not really.

audreyrosedriver · 2022-05-14T19:00:52+00:00

Can I ask a few counter questions?

What do you think of a man who cries?

What do you think of a man who is submissive and prefers the woman to be dominant?

One_Dey · 2022-05-14T19:17:02+00:00

It’s not to appear to be strong. It’s to appear to be in control. Very different things- yet very similar.

sales-tax · 2022-05-14T19:45:22+00:00

no im just naturally not emotional. nobody is forcing me

ignatztempotypo · 2022-05-14T20:32:28+00:00

Um .. Alive long? It's E V E R Y W H E R E.

Basketballjuice · 2022-05-14T21:35:02+00:00

I have been taught for my entire life to ignore my problems and be a good boy who doesn't complain. This has been by teachers, principals, guidance counselors, and those who were supposed to make my life easier. Luckily, my parents aren't in this, though I have felt significant pressure to be tough from media.
I don't want to do it, I feel like I have to. I feel like it's important for a man to be seen that way, but because that's really all I know.
I am repressing the vast majority of my emotions, and I have been for my entire life. It is extremely difficult for me to communicate these things - not just because I'm programmed not to, but because I'm beyond the age where I should have learned how.
Absolutely, men need to be raised more like women are - to be in tune with our emotions, not at odds with them.
No studies, but bottling up your feelings will result in you lashing out eventually, and will eventually erode your mental health and ability to care for others - and, well, look at male incarceration rates for exactly those things.

mikesteane · 2022-05-15T00:15:57+00:00

The solution to these problems is not so difficult. Join a men's support group or go to one of the annual men's gatherings. You will find yourself in a safe environment in which men dig down into their feelings by not talking about work, sport, news etc. It is a profound experience and has a powerful and positive effect on almost everyone, if not everyone.

Emet22 · 2022-05-15T02:47:34+00:00

No. Women just say that because they are assuming that men are like women on the inside.

Remarkable-Row-2288 · 2022-05-15T03:04:43+00:00

Men are supposed to feel all the emotions. They are not supposed to let them interfere the daily goings. There is a time and a place for everything.

Men are to do what is necessary for the group first and foremost and feel their individual pains or happiness when it won't effect the needs of the tribe.

Cry on your own time.

AdForeign6097 · 2022-05-15T07:31:25+00:00

Yes we clearly are people generally consider being stoic as part of the masculine behaviour men are expected to show

Qantourisc · 2022-05-16T21:25:04+00:00

https://youtu.be/yQJyHqL4Oro?t=736
"Gold" regarding this topic. A prediction of who the person would choice.
(Anecdotal though.)

EstablishmentKooky50 · 2022-05-14T14:27:46+00:00

Which circles is that notion very common? What are the patriarchal standards?

Super_Nisey · 2022-05-14T22:49:02+00:00

I think it's interesting to your topic to mention that China has proposed teaching masculinity in school due to fear of changing gender roles.

Boltgaming_ · 2022-05-14T17:06:16+00:00

1) personally never been pressured to be strong/dominant, was just always expected, my dad would make comments about “manning up” and other males would say things like “stop being a pussy”.

2) I don’t care, I do what I do, and if you don’t like what I do, you can go fuck yourself.

3) every single day, I’m 25 and went to talk to my parents about struggling with mental health and not being able to afford to talk to someone, they basically said “that sucks, when I get anxiety I just breathe for a few minutes and I’m back on track for the day, you should try that” so yes I don’t like to talk about emotions and feelings because I constantly feel pushed away and not taken seriously by many including male doctors.

4)yes, it needs to be more common for men to be able to speak their mind to vent and be able to accurately express their emotions with others.

I disagree with everyone here saying negative things about toxic masculinity, most of the things that I’ve mentioned above were from male figures in my life, telling me to act like a man, stop acting like a little girl, those are directly telling a young child that if they are a male that is not how you act/show your emotions (whatever the scenario) as a male but a female.

zoupzip · 2022-05-14T19:00:20+00:00

1) that’s how my family dynamic was for years. I’m married with kids and there was no room for my frustrations. Turns out my wife had an unmediated mental illness. She eventually got the help she needed but those years took a toll on me. With her support I’m getting the help I need now. I remember during that time trying to talk about what was happening in my house but there was a perception that it was I who lacked empathy. I was told I sounded like a “bitch.”

2) I think women find men who are capable attractive. Basically that’s what they want. And I don’t mean this as a 100% bad thing but it takes some experience for a couple to find some nuance with this.

3) I was raised that way for sure. I grew up in the 70s and 80s. Furthermore I had an alcoholic father and an over compensating mother. Both made it clear there was no room for children to have the stage. It took me until my late 20s to acknowledge so much of my anger.

4) Sure. I’ve gravitated to other men in my life who talk about their inner worlds but I see a lot of guys not comfortable with that. There’s the reception that men have it easy and if they express anything otherwise they are complaining.

5) i haven’t done much reading on these subjects.

StingRayFins · 2022-05-14T19:59:37+00:00

TheMorningJoe · 2022-05-14T21:54:33+00:00

Reaper621 · 2022-05-14T23:35:49+00:00

In high school, dad yelled at me for crying on the wrestling mat. I had two torn ligaments in my ankle. My opponent won by grabbing it, and bending it, and I was in pain.

Several years later, grandma showed me the newspaper article where his nose got broken while wrestling, and I said he was crying. He told me to shut up or he'd break my nose. So at times I think society puts on the pressure. Others I just think my dad's a huge fucking asshole. Or I guess I know both of those things.

mikesteane · 2022-05-15T00:07:31+00:00

If it implies there is a patriarchy, it implies that membership of it has to be earned.

lookathismonkey · 2022-05-15T07:51:36+00:00

If youve ever heard boys dont cry, then yeah, thats what that is.

Morden013 · 2022-05-15T12:54:26+00:00

Yes.

2022-05-15T14:47:55+00:00

Do you remember that Sheryl Crow song “strong enough”?

Title	Are men really pressured to repress emotions in order to appear strong?
Author	EstablishmentKooky50
Upvotes	76
Comments	148
Date	May 14, 2022 1:56 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/uphs85/are_men_really_pressured_to_repress_emotions_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/are-men-really-pressured-to-repress-emotions-in.1114256 https://theredarchive.com/post/1114256