Asked wife to seek therapy, therapist says I’m abusive. Ruh roh.

Fuzzy_Department2799 · 2022-10-05T02:53:44+00:00

Dating less than a year and she gets pregnant. Maternity leave is ending and she doesn't want to go back to work. Starts back to work and ends up pregnant again. Being the suspicious person that I am that just screams set up to never work again. That baby hustle is real.

WingsofSky · 2022-10-05T01:17:13+00:00

Fire and lodge a complaint against that counselor.

OldEgalitarianMRA · 2022-10-04T23:39:40+00:00

Common law marriage laws go state by state. Look it up. Do you have children? The best for them is 50/50. My ex did this to me. Her therapist is training her to rape you in family court so get ready. The end is near.

The_Bearded_Cyclist · 2022-10-05T00:21:39+00:00

Mate this is a terrible situation to be in.

Firstly I recommend you check out the YouTube channel "STRONG SUCCESSFUL MALE" This guy discusses these types of situations.

Next speak to a lawyer, find out what your options are.

Start seeing a therapist yourself, it will help you process these feelings and help you see different options.

I think if you are honest with yourself you know if your relationship is over.

Start documenting and keeping records about everything.

You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, start living your life, do what you need to do you can protect yourself, work on self improvement and enhancing your own happiness.

Yes you might lose out a bit financially but it won't be much in comparison to having your happiness and freedom. Plus you can always get your finances back in control, you don't get this time back.

whatever13576569 · 2022-10-05T05:52:27+00:00

Out of curiosity and since it's the title of your post. How exactly are you abusive according to her and her therapist?

NutsLikeMelons · 2022-10-05T00:37:18+00:00

Talk to a lawyer, understand your rights and how this would play out if you split up. A lot of your fear can be countered by knowledge. Even if it’s a financial pain in the ass, it’s only money. You get one life and you can’t take it with you anyway.

el_jefe1978 · 2022-10-05T00:54:03+00:00

So I don't know Canadian law, but I assume that due to the length of your relationship, alimony won't hit you too bad/long. Child support is what it is, but you seem like a stand-up guy who'd provide for his child(ren). Many men have been in similar situations and survived, some even thrived. You can/will too.

blast4310 · 2022-10-05T01:41:37+00:00

Find a good lawyer ASAP. Plan for a scenario in case divorce happens. Try to shelter anything possible so she’s unable to take them legally.

Get ready for a fight. You’ve been in bed with the enemy the whole time.

A lawyer can give you better possible outcomes. But until or if divorce happens, you can only plan and speculate.

HereHoldMyBeer · 2022-10-05T02:02:30+00:00

Generally speaking child support is figured out based on income levels and some smoking cauldron. I think you can contact your state or county to get an estimate based on income levels.
Alimony / spousal support / money for the bitch is often, maybe even typically set for less than half the years of the union.

In my case, we separated at about 8 years and I had to pay spousal support for 4. It did decrease at 2 years in.
With that, I would say you might face some support for her but likely to be fairly short term, 12-18 months.
Now child support goes on forever my man.

Regular-Loser-569 · 2022-10-04T23:32:20+00:00

Not an expert, but she is seeing the therapist because she miscarried, so it makes sense that she is the only one to meet this therapist. If you want a session where both of you talk to a therapist you would need another therapist that does marriage/relationship counselling?

hendrixski · 2022-10-05T03:19:34+00:00

Quit your job to be a stay at home dad and say that now she has to support you.

Document that you're the primary caregiver to the child and if she leaves then get an emergency custody order showing you as the primary parent. If you keep primary custody then she will have to pay you child support.

Enjoy.

Qantourisc · 2022-10-05T07:54:17+00:00

Note: the therapist is looking through the words of the client. He or she hasn't seen you.

arrouk · 2022-10-05T11:49:42+00:00

Tell your wife that's fine and you will start the divorce proceedings.

She either believes this or knows it isn't true and will back pedal, if she thinks you are abusive I wouldn't want to stay married anyway.

bezm12 · 2022-10-05T13:55:22+00:00

You need to get out of this bro. You will take a hit but sometimes, times like this, it's just worth it to get in out early.

Longjumping_Joke_751 · 2022-10-05T03:25:50+00:00

She needed help and got treatment from a therapist. You discover you’re abusive and aren’t allowed to be apart of the session which is understandable for therapy reasons.

I would talk to your wife and see about going to couples therapy so this way you both can get to the bottom of the situation.

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2022-10-05T07:47:24+00:00

Maybe she's mourning the loss of the child very deeply. Alot of women take months if not years to get over it . Might be a miscarriage to you ,but to her it's a loss of a whole human being ?
I'm not sure what the exact abuse is ? Didn't really say what type. Maybe this is why she's wanting to stay home , she views how precious life is and wants every moment with your first child . Just a hypothesis

Honest_Switch1531 · 2022-10-05T09:07:14+00:00

This sounds a lot like what happened to me. I figured it all out too late, I ended up loosing almost everything and haven't seem my kids for 2 years.

I'm in Australia, I believe that we have a similar anti male family court system.

Look up narcissists and parental alienation.

Narcissists will often pretend to be a victim, they are very good at convincing others that you are an evil abuser. I was accused of abuse, rape, child abuse, almost anything you can think of. Non of it is true, but it lead to 7 years of court proceedings. They have no empathy or conscience and will say anything to get an advantage.

She will use your children against you, If you want a relationship with your child, leave now and take them with you. Nothing short of 100% custody will work.

Find a good lawyer ASAP who knows about Narcissists and alienation. Apart from your lawyer don't ever mention these things to anyone else, especially your wife, anything you say will be used against you.

Anything you say to a therapist may be subpoenaed and used against you in court.

My ex and I had one marriage counseling session. She made some crazy accusations which I refuted. She started screaming and ran out, I got blamed by the therapist for upsetting her. The therapist refused to see us again. Narcissists will go to any length to avoid being found out, a good psych will figure it out if they get both sides of the story. A bad psych will believe your wife's abuse story.

Good luck.

SudoSlash · 2022-10-05T10:00:28+00:00

Just going on a side note here but therapy is a massive waste of money. It is basically the ridiculously expensive version of "you need someone to talk to other than me". Psychotherapy still doesn't stand repeat studies and is almost pseudoscience if it weren't for the baseline effect of simply socializing/talking to someone being generally helpful. Even the effect of SSRIs is under dispute, a lot of long-term behavior patterns are simply genetically inclined. Some people tend to be social (sometimes overly so) and some people are anti-social and take advantage of the former. You cannot possible change someone's personality.

Fast forward now to post mat-leave, my wife does not want to return to work. This puts a tonne of pressure on me. Financially I can make it work, but it’s not what we discussed before getting a house together.

Trust me, this isn't something that can be treated unless it is trauma-based. If she had a trauma, then she should be communicative about that and you would likely already be aware. In the vast majority of the circumstances it is an opportunistic personality trait and the leave from work has been the activator to take advantage of the situation. The timing is in my opinion too convenient to be trauma-based. As long as you enable her, she will continue to do it in the most likely circumstance.

Therapist told her to do such and such whenever I talk to her that way.

She is likely making this up. But also realize that from her perspective you are abusive: because she doesn't want to do anything and you are "harassing" her to do something with her life.

The only solution in this case is simply to let her swim by herself. Of course children severely complicate that, especially with biased courts. This is why you should detail everything and have proof that she isn't capable of taking care of her children. Having no prenup makes it even worse, but it is better to make up the damages now than waste more years of your life.

Be aware: you might be in a very dangerous position right now. Start documenting your interactions and in case of any arguments make recordings. Her barrier to report you for domestic abuse is very thin and her incentive is very high: to be able to keep her sleazy lifestyle while you get run through the mill. Make sure that this cannot happen as it happened to many guys.

DoctorStorm · 2022-10-05T14:32:39+00:00

I'll take the bullet here and be hated by all:

Psychologist/therapist (most my work is behavioral/cog, I/O, and helping with the VA when it comes to suicide prevention specifically).

You are telling your side of the story, and that's great. She has found a space to tell her side of the story, and that's great too.

Married, with child, in home, miscarried, finances...look, there's a lot going on here, and it can't be boiled down to a single perspective, nor explained in a single post.

I strongly recommend you start with face value, for everything. Drop the paranoia, stop thinking about worst-case scenarios like she's just making babies to avoid working, and take everything, including yourself, at face value.

What you're going through makes a person incredibly depressed.

What she's going through makes a person incredibly depressed.

You could both very well be crippled with depression, unwittingly making it worse by not knowing what to do and thus shutting down.

You can, and should, find a therapist for yourself and another for the both of you. That makes three outside professional opinions total, and a fair and even playing field.

I can think of no better way to spend your time and money right now than on yourselves.

And good luck, really.

jokerfriend6 · 2022-10-05T16:03:43+00:00

Your feelings are being marginalized by her therapist... With kids many times work is not possible or stressful.... In many cases with kids all $$$ will fall on one spouse and not both. There are many women that have kids as an excuse not to work, vs having kids because they really want kids... I would definitely work on protecting your assets and wealth the best you can...

SpideySurreal · 2022-10-05T16:33:05+00:00

No offense sir, but this is a prime example of: Don't put your cock in crazy!

Nonetheless, regardless of what mischievous fellas like me say, it's your journey and apparently this freaking female doesn't care about family or legacy, you must act with clinical precision and tactical superiority, in this interpersonal nightmare that you find yourself in at the moment. Best wishes, Canadian sire!

jayde1156 · 2022-10-05T18:11:31+00:00

Find a LMFT. Someone where you can seek counseling therapy together. Someone to mediate.

Icy-Start5536 · 2022-10-07T17:26:35+00:00

Lessons relearned: therapists belong in the Matrix, men's best course of action is to steer clear of them, any attempt to try and 'work things out' will blow and you will be outnumbered and have a LEGAL(LY ENFORCEABLE) opinion to screw you over at any point. Not to mention it's the second last form of simping to pay for someone's opinion who will be used against you - the ultimate one being cuckoldry of course.

Title	Asked wife to seek therapy, therapist says I’m abusive. Ruh roh.
Author	inobbviousthrowaway
Upvotes	59
Comments	42
Date	October 4, 2022 7:17 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/xvnxso/asked_wife_to_seek_therapy_therapist_says_im/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/asked-wife-to-seek-therapy-therapist-says-im.1135094 https://theredarchive.com/post/1135094