My son come out and my wife handled the situation badly.

5,235 points395 commentssubmitted by FakeThrowawayAcct39 to r/askgaybros63

Hey, I posted this in a parenting subreddit last night and someone recommended that I post it in a lgbt one to get a better perspective on how to handle things with my son. I would honestly appreciate and all advice on how to help him.

Writing this on a throwaway account since I know my son is on reddit.

The long and short of it is that my son came out to me and my wife and my wife took it extremely badly. And I don't know how to handle either one of them although for completely different reasons.

Basically here's how things happened. Wednesday, when I came home from work my son said he had something to tell me. He was obviously fidgety about something, and after abit of rambling he eventually told me he was gay. To be honest, I already knew. He's a good kid and pretty damn smart, but I'm a programmer and therefore the 'computer guy', I'm the one that everyone calls to fix their computers and laptop. So without drawing a picture, I already knew he was gay.

So when he finally came out to me, I was actually kind of relieved. He and I have always had a good relationship but he never told me and I was kind of wondering if maybe we didn't have such a good relationship. In any case, I did the dad thing of telling him that I loved him and all I really wanted from him was for him to be safe and happy. He was just really relieved I guess.

Anyway he asked me to be there when he told his mother, which now that I think about it is probably why he came to me first. Now, she is a deeply religious woman. She wasn't always but somewhere along the line she turned from being just somewhat religious to being deeply deeply devout and if I'm being honest, I couldn't really pin down when or how that happened. I'm not religious in the slightest although I do do the occasional church-going and church-related functions to make her happy.

Anyway when she got home I waited for my son to take the lead on when to tell her. Its when he told her that things went to hell. I don't think she really believed it at first, probably thought it was some kind of joke or something but when she realized it wasn't, first started crying and then went into what I can only call a rage. He tried to calm her down and I tried to help to get her to not see this as the end of the world. But she kept going on about how this wasn't the plan for him and about grandkids and a bunch of other things. But she just kept working herself into some kind of frenzy.

Eventually she went to his room and starts dumping his clothes and tells him to get out of the house. My son is bawling at this point, and I just completely flip out. I order him to go to my bedroom and stay in there. And I just unleash on her. I pretty much say what kind of mother is she and that I'll be 3 weeks dead and buried before I let him leave and she gets angry at me for backing her up on this and that being gay is wrong and bunch of other bullshit. Anyway, after a hell of a heated fight she leaves and goes to stay at her parents.

I try talking to my son, he's just devastated and blaming himself for everything. And I'm not sure what to do here. I let my son skip school the last couple of days as a kind of mental health day although I let him know that he will go back on Monday. I haven't spoken to my wife since that night, and I'm not even surewhat I could or should say to her, and I'm not sure how to handle my son either. He's not the usual self and I don't know how to get him to stop blaming himself. He says he wants to spend the night at a friend's house which is fine, I figure his friends can offer different kinds of support than I can. But I'm at a complete loss. I think I did my best although writing this I realized that since I knew he was gay for awhile I should tried to slowly ease her into the idea to make this less explosive or maybe if I stayed calm earlier I could have handled it less emotionally. I just don't where to go from here or how to handle any of this.

EDIT - Wow, thank you all for the unbelievably kind words. I'm trying to read all your responses and PMs but there was a lot more than I expected. I am reading them all and making sure to note many of the websites, videos, and organizations you have told me about. The people over at r/parenting as well as you all mentioned PFLAG, we all live in the Louisiana area very close to New Orleans, I'm certain there is something like them there. I'll be doing some reading up on them as soon as I finish this post.

I wish I had some kind of big update but nothing really. I didn't sleep much this week and I passed out shortly after posting the original message. I did talk to my son after I woke up, he got home sometime earlier today. He seems to be holding up okay, but you guys did put the fear of him doing something rash in my mind. I'm going to talk to him again and see what I can about finding some kind of family therapist to help.

As for my wife, I decided to give her some time and space, at least until Monday. If I haven't heard from her by then then I'll try to contact her and depending on what she says will determine where we go. I do want to make it clear that I don't think it will come to divorce or anything like that, but if the worse were to pass, I will choose my son. If its a choice between him and anything else, he wins. He always win.

Some people asked about our location, which is Louisiana near New Orleans and her faith which is Southern Baptist. There also seemed to be some confusion about the timeline regarding when my son went to his friends house, he went last night, Friday. Everything else happened on Wednesday. He does sleep over at his friends occasionally or his friend here. They usually spend way too much time watching movies or playing something on the PC or PS4. Also he is 16, I'm 39 and his mother is 37.

Again I want to thank you all so much for your support. I promise I'm reading all your replies and will take any advice to heart. Just thanks again for everything.