We all saw that article about how the rise in lonely single men was due to women increasing their standards for emotional intelligence, decemcy etc. and you see this reflected everywhere. Any time the incel topic is brought up, blame is placed squarely on the men. If women aren't queueing up to sleep with or date them, there must be something particularly wrong with them. They must be toxic, abusive, lack emotional maturity, be a bigot, be selfish.

Whether I fit the categorisation is up for question. I usually hook up with about 2 women in a year which is probably better than about 50% of young men, but I felt that getting there was no easy feat, though I was trying to do it without degrading myself in the process. I was in an abusive relationship for a long time and at points I was convinced I was an abusive, toxic person. Our relationship was so corrupted and hateful, and yet she had had a relationship 90% of her adult life (most of which seem yo have ended horribly) while I had spent most of mine alone. So if she's so much more loved than me, I must be the true cause of toxicity, even though she was a BPD alcoholic mess who leeched off her family and treated me like shit. I must be a selfish and hateful partner, like she said.

Yet, after much more loneliness, I have a nice date with a girl, and 4 months later we are as solid as a rock. She tells me I am the most mature, understanfing and emotionally intelligent man she's ever met, that I am generous as a lover, that she loves my mind and thinks I am wonderful. I am not putting on a fake personality for her. I have made it clear that I am egalitarian but definitely not a feminist (which she is, though much less radical than most). I don't prostrate myself. I am being myself and showing the same attitude I would show to anyone I was dating that was not being abusive. We are healthy. We are happy. And because she thinks I am attractive, she is baffled that I have had such a hard time finding someone. That I was alone for so long. But it is not baffling to me anymore.

I am using a personal example here, but this applies generally to others I know. Most lonely or long time single men I know are not monsters or gross pigs. These might make things a bit worse for you but most of it is about getting a foot in the door, before any of that even has a chance to become visible. And that is hard for more men every year. These are average men. They are normal, good hearted and talented folks. But none of them are extremely good looking or high earners. Sadly, hypergamy is real, as are distorted expectations of men based on the illusion of abundance of 8/10 or higher eligible, well off men that the internet and dating apps have given women. These really are the biggest factors. It's not you. It's unrealistic surface level standards. I probably don't need to quote dating site stats to this group. And if women actually had some awareness of how misplaced their standards are, and how different they are from what feminism claims them to be, they would benefit as much as men would from the subsequent adjustment.