First of all, I have always encouraged and advocated for healthy and close mother\daughter relationships, and have never discouraged neither my wife or daughter from each other.
But I've been noticing things for years now, and after beating around the bush for such a long time, I decided to bring it up to my wife. For maybe around three years now, she's been treating my daughter way differently than our sons, whether it be about fairly innocuous things like serving her first at mealtimes or by hugging her goodnight but not our sons. On birthdays and christmas, my wife gets our daughter enough presents to nearly send us into bankruptcy, but refuses to allow me to do the same with the boys.
There have been times where our sons come up to her, asking for her to come and see a picture one of them drew or a toy they'd discovered under the couch and my wife will ignore them until they give up. My daughter will come up, asking for her to play, and my wife agrees immediately. I've tried to pick up the slack with our sons, while still spending time with our daughter, but my wife accuses me of favoritism.
Two days ago, my oldest son came up to me and asked why 'mommy didn't love us anymore ' and that was the last straw. After they went to bed, I asked my wife to come and sit down with me and said that I love she had a great relationship with our daughter, but that she barely pays any attention to our sons and that it was putting a strain on the whole family.
She said that I was being ridiculous and nitpicking, that there was no such thing going on, and after accusing me, once again, of favoritism, she made me sleep on the couch.
We've been playing nice for the kids' sake, but I still see how special she treats out daughter and how horribly she treats our sons while also wondering if I'm at fault for any of this and if I went about it the wrong way.
Any input is welcome.
UPDATE
Since my wife and I are both working at home, I took the opportunity, when the kids went downstairs to play, to broach the subject again. I told her about our sons had been feeling, and that this could and would be severely damaging towards how they might function as adults. I also said that not only is she hurting them, but she's damaging our daughter as well with the favoritism and that I was not going to be as passive as I was a few days ago.
She replied that I was the one favoring the boys and that I did not nearly spend enough time with our daughter. I replied that I had just spent an hour painting her nails yesterday, and that she was deflecting. She asked me if I wanted a divorce, because that's where we were headed if I kept coming at her with 'baseless accusations '.
I told her about my previous post, and that there had been a number of comments that had brought up great points regarding not only her, but myself, and that there was a chance to rectify what had been done. I asked if she maybe wanted to see the comments, but she refused, repeating her threat again.
Eventually, she stormed off, and I went back downstairs with the kids to have a talk with them. I pulled my daughter aside and asked if she had maybe noticed her mom possibly acting mean or ignoring her brothers, and she said yes. I asked how she felt about it, and she replied that she didn't like it. We talked for a few more minutes before I asked if she could maybe start playing with her brothers a little bit more, and she readily agreed. I told her that it wasn't her fault that these things were happening, too.
Then, I went to my sons and asked about their feelings and such. My oldest son said, "I know mommy loves me, but I don't think she loves me as much as she loves (his sister)" I said that it wasn't true, but that it was okay to feel what he was feeling and that it was his right. I also tried to talk with my youngest, but he didn't understand half of what I was trying to say.
I repeated to them at the end of the conversation that it's not their fault.
My Wife is now effectively ignoring me, even with my attempts to get her to talk with the children so that she could say how they felt.
[–]Kindly-Town 19 points20 points21 points (1 child) | Copy Link
The worst is not over yet. Once he is divorced, he will be kicked out of house, struggle to see his all the 3 kids, boys will be neglected, emotional damage on boys will start emerging during teenage, he won't be able to help them because of full time custody, college fees for boys will not be paid but will be paid for their sister, once child support ends they will be kicked out.
[–]7Fucky0u7 8 points9 points10 points (0 children) | Copy Link
He needs to step up for his sons, Before it's too late - quote one of the comments "This I's a hill to die on"
[–]ProfessorChuckFinley 38 points39 points40 points (4 children) | Copy Link
At least the comments are supporting him and criticizing his wife.
Im pleasantly surprised by that.
[–]2717192619192 25 points26 points27 points (3 children) | Copy Link
Nope! The second top comment is this:
Literally calling a victim in an abusive relationship a “complete pushover”. And there’s tons of other comments blaming him for “participating” in the neglect by being abused so much that he didn’t stand up to it immediately.
If a man asserts his will on a woman where inappropriate he is an aggressor. If a man fails to assert his will on the woman where the audience deems appropriate, he is a failure as a man.
In most conflicts between a man and a woman, the man is nearly always seen as bearing the majority of moral agency.
[–]Jakeybaby125 8 points9 points10 points (1 child) | Copy Link
That's r/AmITheAsshole for you
[–]ProfessorChuckFinley -3 points-2 points-1 points (0 children) | Copy Link
I totally agree with you that society has a toxic attitude towards men, where its "damned if you do, damned if you dont". If they stick up for themselves, theyre "abusive." If they dont, theyre "pushovers/pussys/losers" etc.
However, I think in this situation, he is a pushover and the criticism is valid. His wife is a terrible mother and he isnt doing much to protect his sons from her abuse.
If he had done more to stop her abuse, there would be plenty of idiots calling him the abuser instead, but that criticism would be invalid.
He is being a pushover for letting his wife abuse their sons. He needs to put his foot down and either change her or get a divorce.
[–]Makhmalak 9 points10 points11 points (0 children) | Copy Link
This reminds of the feminist post that said don't breast feed your sons because they are gonna become rapists
[–]NerdGuyLol 11 points12 points13 points (0 children) | Copy Link
Why are at least a third of the comments ESH
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
ctrl + F "therapy"
Oh look at all of the people suggesting that she just needs therapy. Because a woman wouldn't even dream of mistreating a child unless she had personal issues. Poor woman :( :( :(.
[–]user_miki 10 points11 points12 points (0 children) | Copy Link
Try and do DNA test of your older son( better both).Maybe it happened something to her and your son is the reminder of that trauma. Or maybe is the opposite and you should DNA test your daughter, maybe the daughter is reminder of something she loved and could not keep and she is resentful against you(and your sons) as the person(s) that was in the way of her happiness. Either way something is not right and I think is not misandry here.
Menacing you, with divorce suggest that it may be the second option,that your daughter might not be yours.
It is not the first time these things are happening exactly like that.
Sherlock out!.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
The woman is morally repugnant, but none of this shocks me in the least; it's just too common now to be surprising.
[–]jeff_the_nurse 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
At least they’re calling her out. Sounds like a good dad!
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
What's so heartening in that thread is despite the fact there are commentators there ready to rake the husband through coals because he, in their mind, failed to act on the wife's emotionally abusive behaviour sooner (there were some upping the emotional quotant with their childhood stories of similar circumstances), others rightly took them to task because it's clear she's been very difficult and probably abusive towards him, too. Hence, why he'd been reluctant to broach the issue in full.
I cheered when they also called out the userbase's hypocrisy and sexism by highlighting the disparity between how they're reacting towards the husband versus how they react when the roles are reversed in other posts.
[–]thisisallanqallan 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
This is awful
[–]red_philosopher 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
This guy needs to speak with an attorney ASAP and get ahead of this. She's gonna bury him if he doesn't.
[–]kanray86 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
my guess is the son isn't his
[–]TheDwiin 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
Common gaslighting behavior. "I'm not doing X, you are!"
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
Turns out you can’t just ask a woman to be consistent. It’s just too much to ask.
[–]Lion_amongst_gods 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
It's not wrong to treat sons and daughters differently. The society and law expect different things from men and women, so children should learn that at home. But geez, this is crazy! It seems like she doesn't just treat them differently, she just doesn't love them equally.
[–]Lion_amongst_gods 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
It's not wrong to treat sons and daughters differently. The society and law expect different things from men and women, so children should learn that at home. But geez, this is crazy! It seems like she doesn't just treat them differently, she just doesn't love them equally.