The absurd idea of "weaponized incompetence"

WhereProgressIsMade · 2023-07-06T14:59:26+00:00

Early in my marriage my wife complained about how I did the dishes. They were still perfectly clean, so I didn't understand why it mattered that I did them a bit differently than her. After several complaints, I simply stopped washing dishes for several months. She didn't complain after that and even thanks me once in a while for doing a load.

Petty? Maybe. If there's a better way to nip nagging in the bud, I've yet to find it.

Title_IX_For_All · 2023-07-06T15:27:26+00:00

If a man is declared incompetent in the presence of a woman, it is because the man is a misogynist.

If a woman is declared incompetent in the presence of a man, it is because the declarant is a misogynist.

If they didn't have double standards, they wouldn't have any standards.

Also: a person who takes everything personally is a toxic narcissist who should be avoided. We have those in everyday life, but it's worse when someone has a sexist motivation for it.

sgt_oddball_17 · 2023-07-06T15:12:25+00:00

Squashing a bug.
Fixing the sink/doorknob/window.
Yard work.

All things my wife can do just fine if I'm away on business, but can't do if I'm home or will soon be home.

It's weaponized alright, by my wife.

BeepBeepYeah7789 · 2023-07-06T15:30:28+00:00

Exactly.

I don't do things the same way a woman would; that does not make me "incompetent".

ashbash272 · 2023-07-06T16:04:30+00:00

Weaponised incompetence does exist. What you described isn’t weaponised incompetence. Both men and women do it. An example would be intentionally doing a task poorly so your other half has to do it instead.

He-was-a-wizard-neil · 2023-07-06T19:40:32+00:00

Weaponized incompetence is not that. It’s when someone purposely does bad at doing things so they aren’t asked to do it again.

Holiday-Somewhere-96 · 2023-07-06T16:36:55+00:00

Not weaponised incompetence. You would have to purposefully do something poorly to get out of doing. So eg your washing the dishes but you don’t wash them well and theirs still some food left in them. This is a really real thing that a lot of people do.

Current_Finding_4066 · 2023-07-06T14:45:27+00:00

The best way is to not do anything that you are not absolutely required for them and simply ignore their stares.

Glimmerofinsight · 2023-07-06T21:13:58+00:00

There is such a thing (not sure about the name "weaponized incompetence" but its more manipulation by refusal to do anything.

I've known women who do it, too. Ever had a coworker that refuses to learn how to do something. You've showed them multiple times but they still whine and call your name when it comes up, and say they don't know how to do it?

My stepdaughter used to claim (when her dad wasn't home) that she didn't know how to use a manual can opener, or a broom. Seriously. She wouldn't do her chores because sweeping was too hard. She wouldn't make herself a tuna sandwich because she couldn't figure out how to get the can open. However, she was smart enough to lie and swindle me out of $300 to buy herself a new phone. So it wasn't that she was a motard.

TrilIias · 2023-07-06T23:16:38+00:00

It’s definitely a thing, but not at all a male thing. I’ve heard women admit that they like to pretend to be weaker than they are to get men to do things for them. For example, they might pretend they can’t lift their luggage into the overhead compartment of a plane, because they know a man will usually step up to do it for them. It’s not that they’re lazy or actually that weak, they just enjoy getting men to do things for them.

Most people, women especially, seem to think this is harmless, maybe even cute. But if the situation was reversed, would they really see it as harmless and cute? Or would they think it was manipulative, exploitative, and “weaponized incompetence?”

No-Knowledge-8867 · 2023-07-07T02:36:29+00:00

It's women telling on themselves for their inability to do things like change a car tyre, take out rubbish, or mow the lawn.

GltyUntlPrvnInncnt · 2023-07-06T15:34:22+00:00

It's just one more thing they can bitch about. It's mostly made up stuff.

LocalNobody117 · 2023-07-06T19:43:56+00:00

It sure seems like it man.

excess_inquisitivity · 2023-07-06T19:46:07+00:00

It's not that you forgot; it's that you refused to make remembering the highest utmost pinnacle priority.

RockmanXX · 2023-07-06T20:49:04+00:00

Its simple, they want to enforce Traditional Masculinity but they also want to pretend that they support men moving away from it, so they hit you with a combo of paradoxical demands where you'll be forced to be comply with whatever they demand of you. This is how it works:-

Feminists: Men should be encouraged to share their emotions and move away from Traditional Gender norm of being a "manly man" breadwinner.

Also Feminists: WOW, trauma dumping much? STOP burdening Women with your Emotional LABOUR, be STOIC! Also, fuck off with your Weaponized Incompetence!!! You're a man, you're supposed to have your shit together 24/7, if you don't, you're not a real fucking man!

lumpynose · 2023-07-06T18:12:20+00:00

I think that to a large extent this is yet another evolutionary / DNA thing. Women are much more aware and concerned about the home being tidy and clean. For most men it's just not on our radar.

So it's not weaponized, it's merely innate.

Similar to how women are typically unable to or disinclined to understand technical things. We could call that women's weaponized incompetence.

masakothehumorless · 2023-07-06T23:55:33+00:00

Well, as in most things in life it isn't as simple as a sweeping generalization of 'weaponized incompetence.' I have genuinely met some dirtbags who do household chores wrong on purpose so they don't get asked to do them anymore. I've also met women who complain endlessly that their SF is incompetent because he didn't fold the clothes in the manner she would. These two things are not the same, but both are dismissed as 'weaponized incompetence'.

resurrect_john_brown · 2023-07-07T04:42:17+00:00

Idk, I think this is one of those concepts like emotional labor - they're difficult for men to understand because part of the issue is obliviousness, which isn't a deliberate state of mind. If you're not used to doing something, then you're not going to think about it. It effectively doesn't exist. Women pick up on it easily (I was like omg - there's a term for that?!) because we are on the receiving end.

It's probably kinda like when I had to learn about white privilege. It's basically invisible, but it's everywhere - I just had to learn how to see it, because it's been such a fundamental part of my daily existence that it didn't register at all. Shit, I didn't even know the term until my 20s.

I also don't think weaponized incompetence is always deliberate. I don't think all men are like "I'm gonna fuck this up so I don't have to do it ever again." It's just basically a way of getting out of doing things that reflects the different expectations placed on men vs. women. Sometimes guys just don't realize they should be doing ____. Other times it's something men should have been doing all along but have had women doing for them. Depends.

I think what makes women angry is when they point out the issue and it never gets addressed. Nothing changes.

bulldog_blues · 2023-07-09T20:49:51+00:00

OP, weaponized incompetence isn't what you describe here. It's a specific pattern where someone pretends that they're incompetent at something to get someone else to do it for them. It isn't even gender specific- it's most often talked about in the context of heterosexual relationships but it can be done by someone of any gender and not always even in a relationship context.

PlatypusPristine9194 · 2023-07-17T15:05:57+00:00

No, weaponized incompetence is definitely real. I've personally been on the receiving end of it.

Efficient_Weather791 · 2023-08-07T09:01:46+00:00

I know I'm late to this post but I had to give my two cents because this is a term I increasingly see thrown around social media yet I never see any criticism of its common usage and the implications surrounding the way its used.

My biggest gripe with the term is that it's so commonly used in conjunction with men that almost every other post on the subject brazenly use the term as if it applies exclusively to men. It's talked about as if it were a defacto male defect in almost every female oriented sub on this site. It's such an overused term that I think it has lead a lot of people to believe the outright lie that only men are capable of weaponized incompetence and has outright encouraged and normalized misandry online. This seems to be a modern rebranding of the typical clueless stupid male trope that has been pushed in media and commercials since the 1980s. You see this trope pushed on reddit all the time where almost every woman posting just happens to be a super competent type A personality dating a clueless boyfriend or husband whenever the term gets thrown around. It's so stupidly formulaic that it's exhausting.

I do think weaponized incompetence is a real thing in relationships, but it's way less common than reddit suggests. It's just that every single subreddit where it is discussed are by design oriented to venting and complaining. I mean, what subreddit do you know of where people post about how great their lives and relationships are going? Like c'mon people we know what this site is all about. My second thought is that it happens just as much if not more with women as it does with men. I really think the only reason it is seen by almost everyone as an issue that solely happens with men is because women are just far more likely to bitch and complain about it and of course post about it online. I genuinely think most men either don't give a fuck or just begrudgingly accept a female partner doing it and move on with their lives. This of course assumes that they even realize that it is happening which wouldn't surprise me if most men aren't aware it even goes on.

My final observation is that most of the women who share stories, vent, or ask for advice about supposed weaponized incompetence in their relationship never go into detail about what it looks like. They always express in vague terms that their partner doesn't know how to clean right, did a terrible job at some household chore and never go beyond that yet they are immediately taken at their word and just have their views enabled and reinforced by others in the community. It seems to me many of these women aren't complaining about a spouse who is weaponizing incompetence so much as they are nitpicking the way their spouse does the chores. There's a huge discrepancy with posts from female perspective about male partners supposedly being incompetent compared to male perspectives on a nitpicky female spouse where male posters often describe females getting upset over the way household chores are done and not the end result. If it's so common for men to do this, why the discrepancy? It seems to me that many females who complain about so called weaponized incompetence were likely raised in OCD environments when it comes to cleanliness and hygiene so much so that to them there exists only one way of doing things and that's their way or it just underscores how controlling and manipulative women have become in our society. To me this just highlights the major issues that females have with control and power dynamics that they often project in relationships and the toxic enablement of the 'my way or the highway' trope that is so common in female circles.

PastaQueen25 · 2023-11-16T15:55:31+00:00

Well what you described is just being forgetful… so it’s understandable that you’d be upset if someone called it incompetence. Weapon used incompetence is like doing the dishes but saying you didn’t know you had to put dish detergent in the machine or bleaching a bunch of clothes when you’re asked to do the laundry.

Title	The absurd idea of "weaponized incompetence"
Author	alclarkey
Upvotes	191
Comments	41
Date	July 6, 2023 2:41 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/14sb6s5/the_absurd_idea_of_weaponized_incompetence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/the-absurd-idea-of-weaponized-incompetence.1224466 https://theredarchive.com/post/1224466