When dating, is it a big deal that she have a job, car, college education, and place of her own?

bad_keisatsu · 2011-08-02T18:34:19+00:00

It is a big deal for me. If I were 18, things would be different, but I have no interest in being in a relationship with someone who cannot hold their own in the real world. Primarily, they need to have a career. I do not look down on someone for living with a roommate or family or not having a car because those might be financially savvy personal choices. I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who is not my equal, and I do not want to support a woman who wants to get married and not work. If you do date those women with the intention of it being anything more than dating, you are only opening yourself up to a world of hurt later on. I don't imagine that the relationship would be particularly satisfying for her, either, if you are constantly paying for everything for her.

ExpendableOne · 2011-08-02T18:13:58+00:00

It's funny, I've always noticed the same thing. Women's profiles often, if not nearly unanimously, read like a list of demands(not just in things like profession, transportation, schooling, looks, height, confidence, hair color but even in the way men should behave, how funny/entertaining they should be for them, how much they should be willing to cater to their demands or treat them like princesses and how much they should be able to tolerate/embrace their own delusions and psychotic/irrational/emotional/irresponsible outbursts); while men's profiles will generally just read like a list of things they have to offer(any guy who's profile read like a list of demands would probably be written off as a pretentious douche). Not to mention that, typically as these things go, those women will not only fail to meet those demands themselves but will also have absolutely no quarrels completely/openly belittling, insulting and demonizing men on their profile for failing to meet their own personal demands and/or criticism(A form of misandry which, if the genders be reverse, would have any man virtually black-listed for being so blatantly misogynistic).

It really is a double standard and in more ways than one. Women are simply socially taught to feel entitled when it comes to men/dating(or even to look down on men/dating) and it stems entirely from this social female privilege that women are given. This isn't nature, it is women been socialized, indoctrinated and groomed into these narcissistic attitudes(and that's not even going into the topic of marriage/children or even the generally apathetic, uncaring, malevolent or even hostile response/predisposition women tend to have for men, or male attention, online).

thedarkerside · 2011-08-02T17:37:53+00:00

Sorry if this is off-topic. I was thinking from the perspective of double standards, gender roles (males still expected to be breadwinner), etc.

It's kinda off topic because it reflects a biological fact rather than a social injustice.

Women look for social status when choosing a mate and all the things listed are a sign of status.

Men look for attractiveness and youth, both of which are signs of health.

Basically men are looking for a woman who can bare children and women are looking for a man who can support her and her children.

Obviously there are plenty of exceptions to this rule but it is generally correct.

chocoboat · 2011-08-02T18:17:16+00:00

I do. Well, maybe not a college education if it was done for good reason (for instance she instead went right to work in the family business and has become successful without the need for a degree), but intellectual curiosity is required. (Successful does not mean a high paying job btw... happy to go a job that she loves at a bakery to earn 30k/year? that's success in my book, if you're a frugal spender)

In this economy it's OK to be between jobs I suppose. Any sign of "can you help me pay my rent" leeching and I'd back way off though.

RobotCookie · 2011-08-02T20:17:09+00:00

I have all of these things and all it does is intimidate men. I have made more money than every guy I dated and eventually it becomes a sore spot. I'm really chill and laid back but sometimes it seems that guys say they want a chick like that but in reality they want a girl that relies on them so they feel manly.

A_Nihilist · 2011-08-02T18:27:57+00:00

If by "dating" you mean potential gf, then yes, of course. I'm self employed and own my home. Not that these qualities make me better than anyone else, but a potential partner needs to be on my level intellectually, creatively, and in her career. Now, I suppose if you're looking for a house mouse that's another story. But personally, I want someone to compliment and inspire me.

ExistentialEnso · 2011-08-02T17:31:34+00:00

There's a chart that gets reposted around here a lot that compares these sorts of things between men and women, and under the men column is "You're fucked!" over and over.

Personally, I care more about the person than where they are in life. My girlfriend doesn't have a car and lived with her parents before moving in with me, but these aren't the sort of things I stress over.

KAugsburger · 2011-08-02T19:45:10+00:00

Personally I wouldn't want to date a woman that couldn't support herself. I would question how sincere her interest was in me. She is less likely to be a "gold digger" if she has her own job that pays enough to comfortably cover her lifestyle. Obviously those generalizations don't always work but I think there is pretty strong inverse correlation there.

Most of my friends generally date women that have similar educational background to their own. Well educated men will often date other well educated women. While I wouldn't require a woman to be college educated I would definitely want to date a woman that reads something a little more demanding than supermarket tabloids. Any relationship with a woman that can't have a cogent conversation about the events of the day probably won't last. Eventually you have tried every position in the Kama Sutra and you will get bored of this woman if you can't share any other activities other from sex.

ThatPenguinFarted · 2011-08-02T22:58:17+00:00

As a vagina owner.....It would only seem fair for a woman demand those types of things (car, job, house, etc) if she possesses the same.

I'll be damned if i'm that hypocritical bitch who wants a man with a car/job/house while i'm playing world of warcraft in my parent's basement before hopping on my bicycle to go collect my unemployment check.

AnnArchist · 2011-08-02T17:54:56+00:00

Of course it is. Who needs someone in their life that you have to pick up every time you want to see them, that wants you to pay for everything, that is always available (no job, no school) and wants to constantly be at your place (no place)?

Theres no fucking way I'd date someone with no license or no job.

quindraco · 2011-08-02T18:49:43+00:00

Short version:

Women can afford to be way more shallow than men can afford to be, and you're observing the results of that. It's a bad idea to start with and a worse idea if you're male, so I wouldn't suggest it for you.

glassuser · 2011-08-02T18:12:03+00:00

As long as you know that you're restricting your options with requirements, I'd say it's up to you. In general, men seem less demanding of such things, but that's usually because a man has different priorities. Most men want youthfulness and beauty, and it's hard to effectively list those in words. But they will happily ignore girls who don't have pictures.

For me, after youthfulness, beauty, and pragmatism, a car (or at least a license), then a job (or willingness to work for what she wants) are up there. College education and a place of her own are much less important to me - but those may be very valid concerns for other men.

anillop · 2011-08-02T18:29:46+00:00

It is a big deal to me because I want a partner and an equal not a dependent.

s1r_art0r1us · 2011-08-02T19:41:07+00:00

I think it's a big deal - I want somebody who can keep pace with me. I know one criteria I have (that they're Christian) has gotten me flak from my female friends - like I'm not allowed to filter potential life partners by life philosophy because I'm a guy.

Sarstan · 2011-08-02T23:56:41+00:00

Making a broad generalization, I find women who have college education or higher tend to have a nastier demeanor toward their future spouse/boyfriend.
Similarly, I understand that women who are successful financially are much more expectant of their future husband/bf to outperform them, yet refuse to give up any part of their lifestyle to adjust for a relationship.

At least that's been my experience, and those around me.

seraph582 · 2011-08-02T18:31:44+00:00

I wouldn't be able to respect a person that hasn't put in time and effort into being comfortably self-sustinent, so no chicks with shit jobs or no job.

I also cannot stand "bar people."

wanda3000 · 2011-08-02T18:59:29+00:00

I'm f, 21 and I personally look for all of those things in a guy or wish to find someone pursuing a college education with a plan to have all those things in the future, but I also plan to have all of those things in the future. It is not a bad thing for a guy to want an independent woman!

sleeveofheart · 2011-08-02T17:54:51+00:00

Basically men are looking for a woman who can bare children and women are looking for a man who can support her and her children.

...and Chris Hansen is looking for those first men.

netweavr · 2011-08-02T20:37:06+00:00

I think it's important to know what you want in a mate. The "list of demands" is something I feel women do that men could learn from.

I'm not sure if that will be a popular answer here...

2011-08-02T17:32:32+00:00

If I was single, and felt my income was comfortable, it wouldn't bother me. But at the same time it's always a plus - unless I wanted a big family - but I don't.

2011-08-02T18:08:18+00:00

education is a big deal to me, and there needs to be some level of self sufficiency

2011-08-02T19:51:50+00:00

Car and job yes, college degree no, place to live yes. If a woman is living with her parents, it's iffy--unless she's young enough that it doesn't matter (college student/dropout). But a girl without a car or a job is probably going to be relying on me to pay for everything, and I don't want to do that. She should want to be with me for me, not for what I can give her.

_Toast · 2011-08-02T20:07:33+00:00

I could have it three ways. 1. We could both be able to take care of ourselves, cars, jobs, education ect. 2. She could be looking for someone to support her, she would have to take care of the kids, the house, all the chores and have dinner ready by 6 every day while I make the money. The old fashion 1950's house wife deal. 3. I'd be the one doing everything at home.

thingsarebad · 2011-08-03T19:49:09+00:00

This is one reason why it's important for boys to have fathers around - so they can tell them that shallow attractive women are bad for them and to look for women with good character.

InfinitelyThirsting · 2011-08-02T17:25:33+00:00

its 50/50 right? then she should be equal to you.. I look at myself and use that as a guideline, I have a car, I rent looking to buy, have a college degree, play sports, read books, have favorite tv shows.

I won't date a woman who is a waitress or hair stylist, unless its just a temp job while in college.. I do not smoke cigs, i do cigars, so if she needs something once in a while that is fine..

I do not want to feel above anyone or below anyone..

I am also going back to college to get into a new major( from IT to nursing, hell maybe doctor, if i do not find a mate)

Have a great day

runamok · 2011-08-02T19:14:37+00:00

Actually it is. My girlfriend makes as much as I do and is as educated as I am. I have dated college girls and it just limits what you can do together. With my current girlfriend we travled to amsterdam and paris and split the costs. If I had wanted to do that with my ex (who was of college age) I would have been on the hook for both of our costs.

More importantly, long term we have a lot of the same ambitions and goals and have made sacrifices to get where we are. We are very supportive of each other as a result. I think that contributes to the long term health of the relationship.

HouselsLife · 2011-08-03T03:28:17+00:00

Men want looks and sexual availability. Women want money and social status.

runamok · 2011-08-02T18:23:38+00:00

That's my demand. Not necessarily at the moment, but they have to be working toward that outcome (being self sufficient and improving themselves).

Plus hot & boobs, so I'm a sexist pig :-)

joonjoon · 2011-08-02T20:38:17+00:00

Vagina, that's what's important.

2011-08-02T19:18:22+00:00

I think it really depends what point of your life you're at. For instance, my fiancee and I lived with our parents until moving in together (besides living in apartments at school).

But yeah, the job, car and college education are pretty much musts for me. Unless her dad's loaded and gives me a comfy job at his company, then I'll let the college education and job slide in lieu of housewife-ing.

KMFCM · 2011-08-02T20:39:49+00:00

stick with older women then?

I dunno.

I don't bother.

If I was going to bother, I guss I would prefer someone I didn't constantly have to pay for. . . .and I know that's why women request those things (because they have a friend who's boyfreind mooches off her/are always watching shows about mooch boyfreinds and they say "that's not gonna happen to me")

DBi · 2011-08-02T20:51:19+00:00

I've started thinking and I think nowadays that a woman who cannot be independent is not worth fucking. So yes it is important to me now, although it wasn't a shot time ago.

RockabillyRich · 2011-08-02T21:29:19+00:00

Job and car, yes. Only because I don't have a car. Job because I'm not paying for everything. The other 2 I dont care about. I have my own place and education doesn't matter as much as intelligence to me.

Bigmada · 2011-08-02T21:32:46+00:00

Job and car - yes

college education - no

place of her own - maybe

ZombieKitty · 2011-08-03T05:52:33+00:00

Vagina checking in: Yes to a job and car, which can help split the costs of dates and whatnot.

photogrl88 · 2011-08-03T17:55:38+00:00

It depends what matters to you and what the persons intentions are. When I met my SO, I had my education, yes, but I dindn't have the other things due to financial problems and being laid-off. My intentions though, were to work towards all of those things. My SO didn't care though that I had fallen on some hard times upon meeting me, and now that I have all those things I don't think he views me any differently... I don't really think it's as much of a gender thing as it is a human thing...even though personality and respect are the biggest things for me in a person, neither me or my SO would want to date another person if their intentions for the future were to live off welfare and live with their parents for the rest of their lives. Some people are different though and dont care about those things. Personally I think it should be equal, obviously. In general you should always try to date people in which you have a lot of common grounds with.

un_internaute · 2011-08-05T16:17:08+00:00

Just a reminder, with OkCupid you have a self selection bias. I openly state in my profile that I just graduated and don't have and job and don't have a car and that free/cheap dates are all I can commit to unless they're willing to pay. It hasn't slowed my dating down at all.

2011-08-02T18:16:45+00:00

I prefer to be single, but if I did date I wouldn't date any woman who didn't have a job.

2coolfordigg · 2011-08-02T20:26:37+00:00

First don't even think about getting married to someone till you are at least 30. Second 99% of guys are never going to get close to a super model looking girl. Go have fun don't get to picky an interesting girl is more fun than a thin bitch any day of the week. Some for the gals over 30 can be a lot of fun in the sack.

WordsNotToLiveBy · 2011-08-02T22:25:02+00:00

I wonder if dating sites ought to disable sending out messages for males and put that burden on the female members only? Goes without saying that replying to messages should be enabled, but if the responsibility was laid on the doorstep of women, then maybe there would be less of an "entitled" feeling garnered from the pick of the litter of her flooded inbox.

Taking away the luxury of being lazy and sought after, she would be put in the position to engage those she is interested in talking to, who in higher percentages, would return that interest.

dmead · 2011-08-03T01:03:36+00:00

yes. do you want to end up with a leetch?

OhioDude · 2011-08-02T21:38:28+00:00

I'm sure this has been posted before.

TL;DR It's about a 25 year old woman posting on a dating board asking about where to find rich men. A banker responds explaining to her that while his assets grow, money/career, her's(looks) depreciate.

Prtyvacant · 2011-08-03T01:24:56+00:00

Yes it is, we men just need to demand it. I do and I'm never short on options.

Neuromancer4242 · 2011-08-03T11:56:09+00:00

Nope.

My criteria are simply:

Is she hot?
Is the sex good?
Is she low maintenance?

Everything else, like humor, intelligence, wit, education, wealth, etc are bonusses but don't make the sine qua non list.

Why such a short list? I can rely on myself and other friends to provide me with jokes, intelligent conversation, I can take care of my own business, etc. Everything else is within my sphere of control. No need to start relying on your SO there.

My 2c. I could be wrong.

whatthehellisedgy · 2011-08-03T00:52:39+00:00

As a girl, I'd like a guy to have a job, or be studying (I'm still at the age where people could still be studying) but other than that, it's so much more than the superficial points of a person's life.

I already own property, don't drive, and I'm starting to save to buy another place. I have my own stability - I'm not looking to a man to provide that for me.

I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there who DO look for those things in a guy, but I'm certainly not one of them.

It's always good to remind you guys there are decent girls out there!

aaomalley · 2011-08-03T01:00:31+00:00

While I would not exclude a woman because of lack of a college education or job status (I would look harshly on a woman who has been unemployed for a long time), they are definately a perk and will make me more interested. If I had to describe my ideal mate she would definately be college educated, employed, have a car, her own place is a bonus and intelligence is an absolute must. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with women that also have those as kind of "cut points" to narrow the field. I would frown a woman who refused to even consider dating a guy that lacked any of those criteria, that just makes her sound like a huge gold digger especially if she doesn't meet all of those criteria.

Tl:dr: having standards isn't a bad thing, so long as you measure up to your own standards.

2011-08-03T10:43:14+00:00

I don't have a job, a car, a college education or my own place so no, I'm not that picky.

My GF does have all of those though lol

Balthazare · 2011-08-03T15:56:27+00:00

If as a man you play into the hysteria and double standards- it that's what you get. It's a bidders market out there, and guess who's bidding it all up gentlemen?

Bobsutan · 2011-08-03T12:02:28+00:00

I'm wondering if men have the same demands on the women they date?

Personally, no. If she had a good job then IMO it's a bonus. I think it was Roissy that said it best, that women having all of these great careers and degrees is rather meaningless to men who are already well established because the women don't bring anything new to the table, that their fertility and femininity is what's desirable first and foremost. As someone with a great job and all the toys I want, I fully agree with this position.

Title	When dating, is it a big deal that she have a job, car, college education, and place of her own?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	114
Comments	247
Date	August 2, 2011 5:15 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/j6utu/when_dating_is_it_a_big_deal_that_she_have_a_job/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/when-dating-is-it-a-big-deal-that-she-have-a-job.1036377 https://theredarchive.com/post/1036377