Why can't a glamorous mid-life woman like me find a decent man? Despairing divorcee, 58, has auditioned countless suitors... with comically disastrous results

xvszero · 2021-08-08T05:15:53+00:00

So you saw these guys naked chests? Dubious.

Bluetinfoilhat · 2021-08-08T11:33:43+00:00

Why do you think women who don't have one night stands are "good girls." Do you think if you were able to have a one night stand that you would be a "bad boy."

ladyredheart · 2021-08-08T13:11:11+00:00

Lol and men do exactly the same thing talk about dubble standards

Inareskai · 2021-08-08T08:59:21+00:00

'Most' - gives two examples.

It happened to you, it caused you a lot of pain, and now you struggle because you worry about it happening again and have found 'evidence' or it happening to a few other people.

You are confusing 'I am afraid that most women do this' with 'It is a fact most women do this'.

The first statement is based on your feelings following an upsetting experience. Feelings are always valid but not necessarily always rational - it is not wrong for you to feel this way but it is a fear you will need to overcome in order to get into any happy or healthy relationships. The second statement is just false. It's you taking your fear thought and going 'here is minimal evidence but my fear must be rational so it must actually be the case'. That is not true.

pli55k3n · 2021-08-08T08:40:14+00:00

If you’re looking for someone to settle down with and you’re deadset serious about being in it for the long haul, you need to push “sex” further down the list of necessities and really ask yourself if you can tolerate a life together with this person, whether you’re fucking her or not. Because if you marry her and the two of you live an ideal life and make it to old age (assuming we don’t all die in the climate wars of 2055) you’re both going to spend a significant portion of your time with each other completely devoid of sexual activity. A day will come when your both decrepit and gray, osteoarthritic and your dick can’t get hard anymore. Or maybe not. Maybe it happens earlier. Maybe you’re both young, fit and full of vitality but you get into some horrible car wreck that cripples you or she gets cut in half by a speeding train and survives. You still love her, right? Because she’s “a good girl from a good family who goes to church and doesn’t drink or go clubbing”

Naus1987 · 2021-08-08T05:26:53+00:00

If she’s willing to cheat on you while you two are dating then she’s a trash human, lol.

Red pill is confusing in what it covers, but I think everyone can agree that there are lots of trash humans in both genders.

You can use some things learned in red pill to help you identify trash humans, and avoid them.

The important thing is you don’t let the trashy nature of the average person lead you down a cynical and bitter path. Cut out those toxic trash humans and surround yourself with non trash humans.

I like to follow ethical stances. So if you know people who do unethical things like lie, cheat, steal, ect — you need to ditch them and make new friends.

You can mourn the loss of the illusion that you thought someone trashy was potentially a good person. Grief is normal. But ya gotta move on.

Good people do exist. If you can be a good person, then so can others. And if you struggle—well, there’s always empathy.

DissonanceBadger · 2021-08-08T09:29:40+00:00

Listen to r/Inareskai. They got it right. I’ll also add that women like feeling desired, and it’s possible that a woman will keep around a man she’s not very interested in because he makes her feel desired, which might be what happened to you. It’s not a nice thing to do, and not all women do this, and even ones who do often grow out of it (it’s more common among teenagers and early 20s), but it could be what happened to you.

CFinCanada · 2021-08-08T06:38:43+00:00

Men do it too my boyfriend proposed we wait and get to know each other before having sex because he'd had bad experiences with women he slept with too soon. Not as horrible as your situation of course but it's not uncommon for people to take it slower with those they take seriously because they want to be respected by them.

Moldy_Gecko · 2021-08-08T11:26:18+00:00

What I don't understand is if you're redpill, why have you not taken any of the "self-help" advice to be a better guy that women will want to sleep with? You can definitely get that advice out there apart from redpill, but just cherry picking the bad without working on yourself is maybe even worse.

dunndundun0601 · 2021-08-08T13:06:59+00:00

Tbh, its sounds like you finally learned that there is LITERALLY no way to know if someone is "bad" or "good". Going to church and being a virgin doesn't make you a "good girl" just like going to church and being a god fearing Christian doesn't make you a "good boy". Some people suck and some people will use you to get what they want. This is why you pick the cheap/free dates and refrain from purchasing "relationship" gifts. So that you can get to know the person you're trying to "court"(read: screw)... but the fuck up was you were making these efforts and doing these dates for the sole purpose of sleeping with her. THAT matters. You also have to take accountability for your own actions and the way that you also approached the situationship. You have to acknowledge that you are guilty of the SAME thing she was doing. Your goal was to fuck and hers was to get attention. You were BOTH manipulative, she just played "the game" better but instead of acknowledging that, taking the L and learning from it, you're now painting her as this "bad girl" that just sleeps with everyone BUT you... But what does that make you?? Have you asked yourself that?

You just learned that a person, not woman, PERSON because everyone does this shit, can tick off ALL of the right boxes and still be a POS. That's just life. You can accept it and be with them or you can want better and find better. But you definitely have to stop making these sweeping generalizations because they are harmful to both men and women (and yes, women need to stop doing it too.)

Because if you're going into every interaction with "what do I need to do to have sex" and "when is she gonna fuck me over", you're gonna a have a bad time. You'll always be paranoid and you'll end up spiraling back into the redpill.

cunningcaring · 2021-08-08T12:44:23+00:00

Men do the same thing.

WonderingFairy · 2021-08-08T08:06:51+00:00

If this is what’s keeping you in the red pill just think about how many guys do this exact thing. How many guys sleep with women and are full aware they have someone else on the side? Infidelity and disloyalty happens in both sides. There are very promiscuous people on both sides.

I am really sorry that happened to you. I hope she didn’t leave you feeling less than. Focus on being a good person. I would suggest you not to get tied to stereotypes. Just because someone is a virgin or a church girl doesn’t mean they are any more of a catch than others and you have seen this first hand now. A lot of times really messed up people hide behind those labels to be in a position to do whatever they want with you. I also think you see women in the wrong way as a piece of meat and not human beings with feeling… the expressions of having to wait and giving it away for free rubbed me the wrong way. I think nowadays people are way too focused on sex and fail to see any value in actually caring for someone and who they are as a person.

Comfortable_Intern57 · 2021-08-08T13:38:04+00:00

Most women do not sleep with a guy after only a few hours of knowing them. Sounds like you just found a really shitty person. I'm 38 years old and in all of my life I've never heard or seen a girl do this. Maybe some do, but they probably had been interacting with the guy online for a while first. And in your case, this is a rare situation.

My sister waits at least a month before jumping into bed with a guy, for example. For me the earliest was the second date, but that's because I already know the guy or have been interacting with him for a while ahead of time.

Most women are precautious and careful because we don't want to end up being used for sex, so we need to know if the guy is really there for a serious relationship or not.

RedPillDetox · 2021-08-08T16:12:54+00:00

Okay, a little bit late to the party, but here are my 2 cents

Not going to debate if women have a sexual dicothomy or not, for now. All i want to say is that is a terrible excuse to be red pill. Dating is a very frustrating experience for everyone. It's true. A lot of times people don't take your best interest into account. Sometimes they even look to do so without the slightest regret. But here's the thing: Dating sometimes kinda sucks, because sometimes people kinda suck and there is nothing you can do about it. It's not Red Pill that's going to save you from women wanting to use, play you or God knows what. It's a fantasy. I mean, can you really say your life with red pill is better after endorsing it? Do you really think that Red Pill is going to save you from all heartache, all female manipulation?

And even if it did help you in any form or capacity... it fucks you up in many others. In this specific case, for instance, it made you insecure enough to close yourself to all women. This also means that any potential "good" woman you'd find is also out of your list, because you're convinced they are ALL like this. Yet are they truly? I always found that in my Red Pill days for every problem it allegedly "solved" it created many others: It made me constantly scared of being cheated on because "hyparguhmee", it made me constantly trying to prove myself in social situations because "alpha alpha" and it made me feel like dating was worthless for anything more than sex because real intimicy was an illusion, supposedly.

I don't know what's the answer for dating. But i do know 2 things. Red Pill sure as shit is far from the answer. And even if there are negative aspects in dating there are a 1000 positve ones too. Dating can bring the worse and the best in humans. Well resolved adults recognize this. Confused TRPers do not.

Bluetinfoilhat · 2021-08-08T11:51:05+00:00

Sometimes it is not about the other guy being "hot" (or being a "bad boy") but him just having more immediate chemistry and/or he isn't as pushy. Don't think because she makes you wait one month that means she doesn't like you as much as the guy she had sex with two weeks in.

Think of it this way, as a man you treat women differently and invest in them differently. For some women you will make more effort planning dates and with other women you are lazy. That hurts women's feelings and makes them feel used or less than.

Nomandate · 2021-08-08T13:25:03+00:00

Don’t wait a month. Stop putting them on a pedestal. Didn’t you learn anything from Brian on family guy? Woman are horny too. If you have chemistry make the move.

Red_Trapezoid · 2021-08-08T07:48:12+00:00

It's not the "sexual dichotomy of most women" lol get that garbage out of here. People of all genders can be trash. The way you phrased "have to wait at least a month to sleep with her" and "give it away for free" also rubs me the wrong way. I get why people want to have sex but it sounds like you're talking about an investment or something and that's the wrong way to look at relationships and sex. You should be focusing on the time with her and not "this is what I go through to get sex".

I'm not sure if I understood your post correctly, were you dating casually or was she your girlfriend? Because there is a big difference between the two, if it's the latter then she's a cheater and not worth your time, sorry it happened, people can be scummy, men and women alike, hopefully she will learn better someday because that behavior tends not to work out well for people.

If she was stringing you along and expecting you to pay for dates and whatnot while having casual sex with other guys, frankly that's still really scummy imo. But I'm not sure what your relationship was or if you communicated properly with each other about what you wanted and lets be honest, if you were ever a full on redpiller you absolutely were not good at communicating properly or setting boundaries with women. A lot of guys expect everything just to fall in place with "the one".

RadioSphinx · 2021-08-08T05:41:24+00:00

Are you guys officially together and have settled that? If not, then she's allowed to act this way. Not great, but if commitment hasn't been clearly established then the door for this activity is open.

If you guys have explicitly stated that you're together and she's doing this, then she's emotionally and physically cheating on you. Leave her and more on.

I get that it hurts, but don't fall into the mistake of painting the entire female sex with a broad brush like that. Doubt you like it if/when women do the same to men. A lot of the dating scene is filled with hurt feelings, and there are opportunists abound who are more than willing to feed on that despair. Don't let them.

zoemondo · 2021-08-08T06:22:05+00:00

Is it wrong for a guy to go date or sleep around with other women if he's been seeing a girl but they aren't official yet?

wooshoofoo · 2021-08-08T08:52:24+00:00

You’re making a couple critical mistakes.

First, you’re separating women into “good” and “bad” morals based on whether they’ll sleep with guys on the first date. If you look at women that way you’ll never really see them for the human beings they are. People have different value systems, and women should be able to sleep with men at the times of their choice, just as it would be your choice to NOT sleep with a woman you’re in attracted to. Imagine you’ve got two women interested in you; one shares your hobbies, is easy to be around and is fun, but she has a body and face that doesn’t really excite you. The other girl is interested in you too, she’s exactly the sexy kind of girl you want, but she’s not interested in anything but sex and in fact you don’t have anything in common with her. Would you hang out with the first (maybe even go out on a few dates because heck, she’s interested, let’s see where this goes) and have sex with the second? Of course you would. Why can’t women do the same?

Second, you’re dismissing desire in women; they can find guys attractive in all kinds of ways, and many women find the conventionally attractive men, well, attractive. If you’re not conventionally attractive, some women will not find you as sexually attractive as others. What’s so hard to understand about that?

Don’t take it personally, and you don’t need to go into redpill bullshit to understand the fundamental human behavior that people find different things attractive about different people. Maybe you give off a safe and boring vibe, and some women maybe find that attractive in a way but not sexually.

If being attractive for being safe and comfy bothers you, then you’re insecure about your sexual appeal. You can fix that without adopting redpill bullshit.

Look, I spent my twenties trying to be a pickup artist, with decent success. But it was ultimately unsatisfying. My current wife happens to love dad bods and think I’m really smart and relies on me in a way she’s never relied on ANYONE in her life. She’s also way better looking than me. It can happen for you.

cdcollector87 · 2021-08-08T18:15:46+00:00

OP, I would say just avoid those types of women who think it's okay to sleep around because you two are not yet exclusive. You will end up being exclusive to her then find out later she has been going to bed with a ton of other guys. It has happened to me. We were 'exclusive' then she wanted to take a break. Her friends told me she slept with like 5 different guys before we were exclusive then slept with 5 more guys when we were taking a break. I left and got a new girl and she got super pissed and thought I was cheating on her the whole time. Just walk away. Find the women who don't do that stuff.

HumanNumber348 · 2021-08-08T19:46:56+00:00

I’m assuming you feel betrayed because you feel like she valued the other guy more than she valued you? I get why you feel that way, if that’s what you think was going on inside her head. But I think you misunderstand why some women do this.

There’s only one single reason I can think of for why someone would fuck some people instantly while letting you wait: They want the first time with you to feel special and meaningful.

no_user_ID_found · 2021-08-08T05:49:26+00:00

Keep looking, enough decent woman are out there. Just make sure your filter is on par and up to date. Scan for the red flags, that’s what the dating period is for.

And think of it this way, she probably wants decent long-term-guys, hot short-term fuckboys. You’d want the very same if you had the choice and possibilities. You are the decent long-term good guy. Accept it or change into something woman want short-term. If you don’t want to change, it’s your job to filter out the bad apples out of the basket to find a decent long-term-girl you want to be the mother of your children. Good luck! 🍀

cdcollector87 · 2021-08-08T11:52:10+00:00

Ghost her and meet a different one. If she asks, just say you're not there for emotional support if she is not going to be serious about you. There are plenty of other women that will like you and not pull this crap. Ask out some women that are just around your way. I think redpill might be right in regards to what red flags to look for. But don't let it convince you all women are like this. That's where redpill gets it wrong.

gopherish · 2021-08-08T06:32:44+00:00

I wrote out a whole reply, and then realized it was red pill advice, and I’m not sure how well received that would be here. I see your point, and I haven’t seen any response adequately address it. :(

_Nequis_ · 2021-08-08T13:46:49+00:00

Don't listen to the pushovers in here invalidating your feelings, if a woman makes you wait for it while fucking others on the side, just cut her off, who wanna get sloppy seconds while jumping hurdles?

As a rule of thumb, if you haven't slept together by third date, sorry but she's just not that into you, remember, if it's not a "hell yeah" then it's a "hell no".

AvalancheReturns · 2021-08-08T13:19:02+00:00

Its not dichotemy its an opnion on whatever variables are at play. However you fit in on someones opinion is however you fit in. And vice versa. There is no logic to it. It simply is how it is.

Current times make us believe we have influence over everything, or more realistically put, we can throw money at everything and make everything better, so its harder and harder for people to accept things as is. However matters of the hearth and matters of the pussy are what they are, there is no logic.

SadKnight123 · 2021-08-08T14:44:23+00:00

I deeply feel you bro. This never happened to me, but I can imagine it and I know I would be destroyed emotionally if this ever happened. Damn I got already destroyed for way less, like a very nice girl that I was really liking who was decent and exact my type but politely rejected me... lol. It was tough to move on and to be honest, I still didn't completely, I'm still a little depressed and still dream about that girl while having a hard time getting attracted to others even if they're prettier).

I guess in my case I'm just too sensitive and need to man the fuck up.

I think my mistake (and yours) is to get attached too soon. Sometimes for shalow reasons like beauty, a very nice innocent face and all that cliche stuff while you don't even actually know the woman. This is what will get you hurt if things go badly. Your heart is something valuable and you should only give it to someone who first: like you back; Second: you truly know and like for things deeper than just looks, cuteness and politeness.

You need to grow a thicker skin and not get too emotional so fast or get your expectations too high.

If the person you're dating ends up being trash, like this particular girl in your text, you'll be disappointed but will move on. If she simply doesn't want you, it's on her, you accept and move on again. This detachment and acceptance mentality will make you stronger and save you from a lot of unnecessary pain.

I know that it's easier say than done, but it's possible. Meditation is a great tool to help with that. You can't control people's actions in the world, but you can control your actions and reactions to it. Seriously, this mentality is freeing when you cultivate it daily and consistent.

Half-Ice-Half-Fire · 2021-08-08T19:42:39+00:00

[permanently deleted]

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-08-09T21:45:47+00:00

This is why I always tell guys in regards to dating, focus on being the kind of guy she wants to fuck instead of being the "you're going to make some girl really happy one day" guy, that way the potential to get the best of both worlds is there

nationearthdotcom · 2021-08-08T15:07:22+00:00

I agree, so many times in high school girls would say they weren’t ready for a relationship and then go get in a relationship, it was always the same thing.

I’ve been with my gf for 9 years and I’ve cheated on her for probably 8 of those years, she doesn’t have the heart to really cheat on me although she’ll entertain other guys and I just laugh it off, then when I want something I’ll use it to make her feel guilty but really i don’t give a fuck.

The secret is to fuck them good and treat them really well but keep fucking around on the side and flirting with other women in front of them and then give them some line about how you’ve got problems and you just like attention but it doesn’t mean anything.

They know you make them feel good and they don’t want to lose you but they also know you’re desired by other women and could replace them easily.

The way I see it is that women fucking suck, they fuck around in high school and their early twenties then their "values change"

Fuck that, learn to give women what they want then go and do your own thing because they don’t deserve sincerity or forgiveness, they made their STD ridden bed, now let them suffer in it.

Look at all the blue pilled cucks that aren’t swimming in pussy but excuse it because they aren’t eNtItLeD to a woman’s body lmao

What you’ve got to do is seem blue pilled enough that girls trust you but then have that red pilled edginess to keep them chasing you

Title	Why can't a glamorous mid-life woman like me find a decent man? Despairing divorcee, 58, has auditioned countless suitors... with comically disastrous results
Author	TheAndredal
Upvotes	34
Comments	13
Date	June 13, 2020 8:43 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/h83sg9/why_cant_a_glamorous_midlife_woman_like_me_find_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/why-cant-a-glamorous-mid-life-woman-like-me-find-a.850136 https://theredarchive.com/post/850136