CMV: Not every relationship needs to last forever or end in marriage

Tugallois · 2021-01-19T11:57:06+00:00

No one here disagrees with your title or is going to bother to change that view.

However...

If you meet someone you are compatible with and the relationship last for a few years and ends, that's perfectly fine. You met a nice person and enriched each other's lives, a net positive.

This is not always true. You're older now. Maybe you are closer to the end of your childbearing years, maybe you spent a lot of money on relationship stuff that you could have spent on yourself, maybe you gave up on experiences (like studying abroad or taking a job offer in another city) for the sake of the relationship. Once you get to the point of a few years, people tend to have their lives quite enmeshed, which is not quite the same as enriched.

Instead, people should embrace short-term relationships and see them as necessary steps and great experiences.

People generally have several relationships before marriage and don't regret them too much, to be honest. Many even know they learned from them.

Icunvme66 · 2021-01-19T11:50:08+00:00

Well from a nature/biological standpoint it is pointless. Guys have the luxury of thinking like this because we can’t get pregnant, don’t need protection and can produce our own resources. It makes sense for a woman to respond to the end of relationships the way they do because historically a guy not staying around put her(and any children) in a real vulnerable/dangerous position.

wekacuck · 2021-01-19T11:49:10+00:00

Im a dude if that's helpful to the argument so heres my personal opinion, if I'm not interested in the possibility of marrying someone (i.e. I'm attracted to them and they don't have any obvious dealbreakers) then I'm not interested in dating them. I don't feel your necessarily wrong in saying that relationships don't need to last forever for you to have a good time but I just feel going in with the intention of at least not considering someone as a long term prospect until they prove otherwise as kind of pointless and just a waste of everyone's time. I dont string girls along for years because frankly, I dont have the desire to keep hooking up with someone and spending time with them if I'm really not into them.

Atlas__B__Shruggin · 2021-01-19T14:10:31+00:00

do you think women have biological time to have this attitude?

wtknight · 2021-01-19T14:17:39+00:00

Not every relationship will end with a ring. Instead, people should embrace short-term relationships and see them as necessary steps and great experiences.

As necessary steps for what? A long-term relationship that ends in marriage? People who want a long-term relationship want it to end in marriage so that they can end their search, which takes a significant amount of work, and get on with the next stage of life, whether it is having kids or having dogs and traveling around the world with a beloved partner. When relationships are short-term, people have to start from step one over and over again.

PrincessFKNPeach · 2021-01-19T13:51:59+00:00

I think its unhealthy that women go into relationships with this expectation, because they are setting themselves up for failure. Not every relationship will end with a ring.

It's not setting yourself up for failure if you know what you want and make it abundantly clear to your potential partner. Marriage and LTRs aren't Disney magic, they're a choice you have to commit to.

Atlas__B__Shruggin · 2021-01-19T15:08:42+00:00

If you meet someone you are compatible with and the relationship last for a few years and ends, that's perfectly fine.

except its not.. its horrible and heartbreaking and painful. you just sound like someone whos never had a break up

_mwk · 2021-01-19T11:45:38+00:00

i agree with this :

Not every relationship will end with a ring. Instead, people should embrace short-term relationships and see them as necessary steps and great experiences.

i also agree with this :

if a relationship doesn't end in marriage, its pointless

women have a 15 years fertility window. staying multiple years with someone you don't want to marry or commit to if you want kids is a very risky game. it has few/no consequences in your early adulthood or if you dont want kids at all, but vetting the father of your children takes time and shared hardships that you can't really rush later on

so i disagree that it's an unhealthy expectation, i think it's a good mindset if you're looking for commitment

_Neon_Shadow_ · 2021-01-19T15:09:28+00:00

I never wanted marriage or kids and decided after trying cohabitation a few times I didn’t want that, either, but I also don‘t do casual, for fun, or for right now. I tried sex when I wasn’t super into the person a few times and that wasn‘t me, either. That left me in the position of 1) placeholder for marriage-minded guy 2) clinger for forever bachelor type guy 3) something to chase and pine over for emotionally unavailable guy.

Having short term relationships without indefinite emotional investment is like having a pet goldfish. It will die and it will suck so why bother?

SonicBackScratcher · 2021-01-19T14:29:15+00:00

Time goes fast trust me as someone almost 50, its like "When the fuck did THIS happen?"

I've seen people do exactly what you said. Dated a year here, 2 years here, a few years here. Then they wake up late 30's with no relationships.

This is bad but not devastating for men who want a family, but its horrible for women who do. They are ready now and few guys who are the kind to stick around want to just meet and have kids right away. They want some time just together and for women that age the clock is ticking.

_Neon_Shadow_ · 2021-01-19T14:37:22+00:00

There's more than one man out there who would have proposed within 2 years. After about 25+ years old, most men who ever propose will propose within 2 years. Compared to those man who will offer a LIFETIME of love and growth, your few years of short-term fun are relatively pointless. You're forgetting to factor in the opportunity cost of a committed man into your analysis of "net positive." If the relationship is exclusive, you must include the opportunity cost.

It's also a matter of perspective. To you, the type that probably isn't imagining marriage at all, it's just a few years of short-term fun. To the marriage-minded type, 3 years is very long-term and should be more than long enough. By 1 year or even 6 months of exclusive and frequent dating, I would say people already learn a lot from each other. So... what are you doing for the next 2 years of your 3-year situation? Having sex, risking unwed pregnancy, or God forbid even making major life moves together? Bad idea, boss. I'm actually struggling to see your side of it. What do you need 3 years of someone's life (and probably body) for if you're not sure they're marriage compatible? Don't you know you're supposed to decide within the first 1.5 to 2 years? That's about half the time of your hypothetical 3-year situation. After the initial time, you're not really learning much anymore. You're just staying with what's convenient for that last year or two. It's not a waste of time to have a 1-year relationship and see where it goes, but a 3-year relationship is different. It didn't have to take that long to learn and move on. I guess I understand that a bond of >1 year is hard to break if you don't have a deep, subjective drive to go find your lifetime partner. Women who prefer not to have 3-year situations are women who do have that subjective drive for more marriage. Their priority value system is not the same as yours. That's why you can't see it.

TL;DR: The experience can even be positive, but it's not a net positive if someone is dating for marriage. I don't recommend that women looking for marriage even entertain 3-year situations. If he "doesn't know yet," that's your answer.

AnarchoNAP · 2021-01-19T20:57:35+00:00

Its pointless if your goal is to get married. Its not pointless if your goal is to fuck around. Telling someone they shouldn't have a goal that they have is futile.

GYN-k4H-Q3z-75B · 2021-01-19T12:19:32+00:00

The title of your post has little to do with what you write about. As a man, when I enter a relationship, marriage is not really on my mind. I am in a relationship because I like who I am with, not some government recognized contract. The goal of a relationship should be the relationship itself, what you have immediately in front of you. Not having that and instead following some kind of long-term scheme is unhealthy.

goatismycopilot · 2021-01-19T13:10:09+00:00

Depends on the goal. If the female humans wants children then for many marriage is it. Great arguement for hot women to date a bunch at once. If the relationship is about having fun and pleasant company then monogamy seems silly different folks bring different stuff to the table.

RunsWlthScissors · 2021-01-19T12:16:12+00:00

I agree with the sentiment here. I am thankful for everything I learned from being with my ex girlfriends good and bad. I think self-reflection and growth is the ultimate goal rather than needing a LTR or expecting a STR.

I also think that if you go in thinking this, this is all you’ll see it as. I think positivity and hope for the future from both sides is important to want to do all the hard things to make LTR actually last AND be good. Having experiences like you mentioned is important for having the clarity to know when it’s time to leave.

You learn a lot from past relationships, it’s up to the individual to take their lessons and apply them moving forward. Fear of leaving is real, but must be done if you ever want to have better or even just different. Doing it once makes it easier, and a new relationship is a good opportunity to set good dynamics from the start using what’s been learned.

JohnDoe9564 · 2021-01-19T11:53:41+00:00

This might be the case if women didn't have a narrow window to have kids.

Once the babies rabies kicks in, there's no going back

Laytheblameonluck · 2021-01-19T15:49:15+00:00

Many women seem to believe if a relationship doesn't end in marriage, its pointless

Really? I think men think this way much more than women. That's what "oneitis" is, and the whole argument that men love idealistically.

rontc · 2021-01-19T17:15:48+00:00

I've had a few FWBs, we all knew it was for sex only, this one woman lived about an hour away, she was 10 years older than me. I had never been to her house, but whenever she showed up at my house, I knew what was going down. Bragging no, just life. It happens.

BeruitBody49 · 2021-01-20T02:45:18+00:00

I’ve learned a lot from the relationships that I knew weren’t going to last, mostly what I liked/needed and what I didn’t like and what sorts of things were red flags. I think that’s a valuable thing for most people who have a couple or several relationships before marriage. I also have a lot of fond memories from past relationships that I definitely don’t regret making.

But, at some point, I think people just get tired of the chase and doing the work to get to know someone new time and time again, and it can be challenging to find a life partner to settle down with as you get older, as people tend to have more establishments, fewer desirable traits, and less flexibility(i.e. children, pets, a job that might prevent them from moving, declining looks, fertility, or health, more steadfast political and world views, time commitments, etc.). Plus, the earlier you find “the one,” the longer you have to spend with them and build your life together. So I think it’s up to each individual how much time they feel comfortable spending on trivial relationships, and at what point they should get serious about finding a life partner/potential spouse. Often times people find them without consciously searching for them. (I did :) )

KirthWGersen · 2021-01-19T11:51:30+00:00

It is a mistake both men and women make: the relationship escalator.

So many people go into every relationship imagining that it must follow a particular script: getting to know one another, having sex, falling in love, seeing each other with greater frequency, moving in together, buying a house, having children, getting married, living happily ever after.

They see any relationship that does not move on at any stage, or that goes back a stage or two, as a failure. This leads to anger, bitterness, despair, recriminations and the spoiling of the relationship.

The fact is, the overwhelming majority of relationships everyone has do not conform to this pattern. It is a fantasy, a dream, a search for the "one".

The worst part of all here is the destruction of relationship, the inability to keep the good parts of a relationship as it gets transformed into firm friendship or merely a nodding but affectionate acquaintance. This takes maturity, which most of us do not have.

A better approach is to be grateful and appreciative of a relationship for what it is/was. Not to have expectations, hopes perhaps, but not expectations. To see and accept yourself and the other person as you both are. And act and adapt accordingly.

That way life can be full of pleasant experiences that expand and enrich your life, whether they be one-night stands, a string of relationships, or an ever-changing LTR. No need for hurt; the occasional disappointment, yes. But constant growth and greater depth as life goes by.

Gravel_Roads · 2021-01-19T12:48:20+00:00

Marriage wasn't an option for non-straight people until the last couple years, so for me, it's always just a fancy costume party people throw when they find a person they want an LTR with.

Sid_Insidious · 2021-01-19T16:41:16+00:00

Well, as usual what women say/believe and what they DO are two entirely different things.

All relationships with women (90% of them) are temporary. The ones involving cohabitation are just longer and more expensive. The ones involving marriage are longer, and more expensive, yet.

Women are serial monogamists and move from man to man, much like a parasite will change hosts once the juice sours or a fatter juicier host appears.

Red Pill correctly states "She's not yours, it's just your turn".

It really has nothing to do with relationship permanence. In her mind, only SHE decides whether the relationship will continue. It's "until death do us part or until I say so." If HE is the one who leaves, well he asshole.

Women know they need to move relationships along at a certain pace. Men dragging their feet interferes with the resource extraction plan of the typical female serial monogamist.

And she knows her shit is a depreciating asset.

Lateralanouncer · 2021-01-19T18:08:25+00:00

You think like a high value man. My last three female ltrs have asked me to marry them. I think In the back of my mind. I have the milk already and for whatever reason they don’t make the grade for that level of sacrifice.

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_Neon_Shadow_ · 2021-01-19T13:02:23+00:00

Wasn't this partly the reason for the Sexual Revolution and Feminism, so people didn't need to get married anymore.

DREADC0RSAIR · 2021-01-19T14:57:06+00:00

It doesn't, but there is no point in being formally exclusive if you do intend to stay that way

rontc · 2021-01-19T17:27:00+00:00

I was lucky to have a sister two grades below me. As some of her friends became my sex partners.

IcarusKiki · 2021-01-19T18:34:21+00:00

It doesn’t but for a serious relationship I don’t want to waste my young years on a guy who’s gonna probably dump me down the road. The problem with this argument is that men have more fertile years than women

cloudsongs_ · 2021-01-21T04:44:47+00:00

I disagree that people NEED to embrace short term relationships but I agree with you personally that not all relationships HAVE to be that long. When I say this, I mean this in general. I'd personally prefer to have a long relationship but I also don't think that the relationship was pointless. You learn from one another, you learn about yourself, you experience new things....etc. Even my shortest relationship taught me something about myself that I could take to the next one

geyejoe7 · 2021-01-21T07:12:31+00:00

I'm a man, and I think relationships are pointless without an eventual end in marriage.

I literally got engaged in my first relationship.

But hold on, that's because I never actually asked a girl to be my gf before my fiancée.

Why? Because I don't want to commit to s person that I don't think I could possibly marry one day. Because it's pointless.

My goal was to eventually find a girl to settle down with. I didn't wanna go through multiple women and have different experiences. I wanted one woman that I could love and that could love me.

If a relationship doesn't end in marriage, to me, it's pointless.

GrandRub · 2021-01-19T17:26:20+00:00

marriage is an anachronistic thing and should be abolished... but its a great deal for every country out there.

moneygang4life · 2021-01-19T13:31:35+00:00

No cuz i’m only ever comitting to a virgin so i think that if the first relationship a woman has doesnt last she is now ruined forever. Just my thoughts. Promiscuous women are not attractive even a little bit

rpool179 · 2021-01-21T05:28:33+00:00

My guy why did you write this post. As a guy you can't even tell this line of thinking is much more beneficial to men then women. You can't be this dumb 😂

Title	CMV: Not every relationship needs to last forever or end in marriage
Author	_Neon_Shadow_
Upvotes	15
Comments	107
Date	January 19, 2021 11:35 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/PurplePillDebate
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/cmv-not-every-relationship-needs-to-last-forever.737514 https://theredarchive.com/post/737514
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/l0i57y/cmv_not_every_relationship_needs_to_last_forever/