How Long is Too Long to Wait For Sex?

Raileyx · 2022-07-22T18:14:15+00:00

If it doesn't feel like you're waiting to be comfortable and it starts feeling like a mindgame or a "strategy" instead, you've passed that point.

There may be good reasons to wait longer. Maybe you're a virgin, maybe you have trauma, maybe you've just had a really bad breakup and aren't emotionally ready, maybe your ex died, maybe there's a medical issue, maybe you're just the sort of person for who sex is so extremely intimate that you're only willing to share it with someone you know extremely well, maybe maybe maybe. In some of these cases it might even be valid to wait almost indefinitely, as long as you communicate your reasons of course.

But note how all of these are related to your level of comfort. Imagine none of that applies: If you'd be 100% comfortable having sex but you still don't do it then it.. gets a little bit confusing? What are you waiting for now? Waiting just for the sake of waiting, because you think it's "proper", or because you think you'll get something out of it?

I don't like that thought-process, not a fan, probably not going to bother going forward.

BlueMountainDace · 2022-07-22T23:35:35+00:00

You should wait till you both feel ready to have sex. I never felt like having a one-night stand was natural to me, so I never had one. I have been in seven medium-to-long term relationships.

For the first one we waited almost a year. Neither of us had ever had sex and we both were just feeling things out to make sure we were ready.

The second one we had sex after the second date because we were both feeling it.

With my wife, we probably dated for a month or so before having sex.

There isn't a general rule. You need to do what is right by your standards. I had opportunities for one-night stands and never did them because it never felt right to me to have sex with a random stranger. For many people, it's totally normal. Lots of folks will act one way when they're drunk and one way when they aren't drunk. There is so much going on behind all the decisions we make when it comes to sex that it is pretty futile to try and make rules for how things work.

wtknight · 2022-07-22T18:16:39+00:00

It shouldn't be a time thing, but people should be in love when they have sex. If a couple is in love with each other but they are waiting for whatever reason or other to have sex, then I think that it's too long.

ima420r · 2022-07-23T00:56:47+00:00

There is no time frame. Just go into a relationship and don't worry about sex, and it eventually might happen. If you are just in it for the sex, or if that's the biggest thing you are worried about, you probably need to grow up a little. Sex can be an important part of a relationship, but why not take some time to get to know someone, and when the time is right you both are into it. Don't put sex as a goal that should be completed by a certain time. Goes for women as well.

I've dated a couple people who broke up with me because we didn't have sex right away, they didn't seem to care what I wanted or why I wasn't rushing in to bed. I felt bad but at least I saw what their priorities were.

Plenty of women, and men, decide that sleeping with people right away is not working for them so they find someone they really like and put the sex off.

midwesternMD · 2022-07-22T18:49:44+00:00

5-6 dates ish for me.

That’s assuming that we’re not progressing from kissing/heavy petting/etc and I’m continuing to plan and pay for dates. If there’s progression or if she’s paying/planning some dates, I’ll probably wait for 10 dates or so. Certainly if we haven’t hooked up by then, she’s not sexual enough for me, not into me enough to let her guard down, has some different view on sex that I can’t articulate here. I don’t care what the reason is. I won’t bother pursuing at that point.

In fairness, I am not financially constrained by dating. It’s the opportunity cost that bothers me. I’ve learned to find a lot of joy in my hobbies and my friends. Dating, with the excitement and the anxiety of “does she like me,” “will we hook up tonight,” etc is fun. But it’s not that fun.

Cobra_x30 · 2022-07-22T23:42:28+00:00

I think you kind of answered your own question here. If you don't move fast, then any guy who really is interested won't mind waiting. However, if you banged some guy on the first date... or just some random guy you met at a bar.... that's where you are going to run into issues.

SmarmyPapsmears · 2022-07-22T18:10:07+00:00

1-2 months, any longer and I would assume she's not interested.

Smitten_Squire · 2022-07-22T18:46:15+00:00

A couple months. But it depends how often you "date" in a timespan.

3 dates could be 2 weeks, 3 dates could be 2 months.

I think 2 months is the max limit, other than super religious people

januaryphilosopher · 2022-07-22T19:01:10+00:00

However long it takes for one party to not be happy with the wait. Mr Philosopher and I probably waited "too long" by PPD standards, having taken nine months after meeting and six after dating, but that's when we were both comfortable and neither of us was unhappy. If it's taking too long in your opinion, you can just move on. But there's no universal time when that will be.

Wide-Illustrator2906 · 2022-07-22T21:08:53+00:00

It's called the Three date rule for a reason. Anything past three dates without sexual contact is red flag for lack of attraction on her part.

Specialist-Action-33 · 2022-07-22T21:57:25+00:00

Plain and simple...30 days. Thats my rule. If 30 days pass and I'm still waiting then I'm looking elsewhere. If she's upset, then let that be a lesson to her not to make me as the guy who had to wait while others got it quicker. The moment we start, shes on the clock.

Huellenthousiast · 2022-07-22T18:30:50+00:00

Honestly think it depends.

Is it as the situation you described? Then 3 to 4 dates.

But is she for example a religious girl? Then I’d wait longer

daddysgotanew · 2022-07-22T20:53:02+00:00

2-3 dates at the most. Past that, she isn’t really interested in you physically. I aim for first dates myself.

People think that there’s women who wait, and women who don’t- but that’s not the case. It’s all dependent on who the guy is. The same girl telling you she needs to be “more comfortable” let some stud hit it after a 30 minute bar makeout out in Cancun. The best barometer of her level of interest in you for the right reasons is how soon she’ll drop her panties for you. That’s it, no if, ands, or buts about it

cast-away-ramadi06 · 2022-07-22T20:06:45+00:00

Yikes, I ran into this in the past. Some girl I enjoyed spending time with wanted to wait a couple of months. I was still hooking up with a FWB and some other side chick. She found out somehow and was really really upset. We never talked about being exclusive so 🤷‍♂️. I didn't want to push things faster than she was comfortable with and apparently she didn't want to have the exclusivity discussion so she just assumed.

tpablazed · 2022-07-22T19:45:13+00:00

My wife made me wait like 2 months.. that was long enough for me not to think she was like all the other girls.. and not too long where I went for someone else imo.

Background-Edge413 · 2022-07-22T20:59:08+00:00

Am hot right and I know most guys really just wanna get in my pants but I know right away if I’d let them hit or nay. Am a slut I don’t wait for shit haha

jackedsoon · 2022-07-22T22:04:14+00:00

if she does casual sex/ons first week.

if not then 2 weeks to month max.

WillyDonDilly69 · 2022-07-22T22:57:44+00:00

If she makes you wait more than 3 dates the sex is not worth it and she just wants you for validation

purplish_possum · 2022-07-22T23:29:04+00:00

Nothing wrong with the tried and true 3-date rule.

Eastuss · 2022-07-22T18:15:38+00:00

My longest was date 2 and it always happened more or less organically.

I'd think, if she wants to impose limits, that she's a stuck up person who don't like sex and therefore it's a red flag for me.

PlayfulLawyer · 2022-07-22T18:40:22+00:00

If a girl is a virgin or really only has a body count of like one or two both of those being in the context of a serious relationship, and we really hit it off (and she's not wanting to wait until marriage) I might wait a little bit longer, I'm probably not going to be monogamous during that time though

But just in general 3-5 dates is my general limit, if it hasn't happened by then, I just take it as she's not into me and we go on to the next

ScarAdvanced9562 · 2022-07-22T18:18:02+00:00

Depends on how hot she is. If she’s average, then probably 2-3 weeks. If she’s a 7 or higher, then 4-5 weeks.

eyesayhello · 2022-07-22T18:08:23+00:00

3 dates. If it doesn't happen by that time then the chemistry isn't there. That's how I roll.

jojo-giraffe · 2022-07-22T19:38:38+00:00

Partner and I waited a year for sex. Partly due to my upbringing, but also the fact the he was my first relationship (sexual or otherwise), and the fact that we were dating long distance and I saw him only a handful of times that first year.

Simplysalted · 2022-07-22T20:28:25+00:00

It really depends, I'd say it's very case by case basis. If I perceive it as some arbitrary power play then my patience will be limited, if it's an actual desire for comfort and trust then cool I'm game.

But it also depends on if there is any intimacy at all, a month of nothing but pecks on the lips is frankly a waste of my time, if there is no sexual tension after the first few dates then there likely never will be. I generally go for or ask for a kiss after the first or second date, depending on the situation and body language, if they aren't receptive or interested then they're just not that into you. That's cool, but I'm not gonna hang around hoping to stoke the fires in you yknow?

Sexual chemistry is very important to me, I've run the gambit of bad relationships due to low effort/lack of compatibility. I'm also a relationship guy, I dont mess around casually, so if we have been talking casually and going on dates for a month or so with nothing odds are im not very invested and am talking to someone else, if not just suggesting we be just friends.

Best_Illustrator_137 · 2022-07-22T20:53:08+00:00

For me I’d say I’m waiting like 3-4 date.

Lexaprofessional1998 · 2022-07-22T22:57:12+00:00

A couple of months unless she’s expressed she’s waiting until marriage or something like that. She may have trauma or something surrounding sex so definitely don’t push it.

I will say if it’s taking you longer than that to get comfortable you shouldn’t force yourself, but maybe talk to a therapist or something about why you’re feeling that way. It may be something deeper.

RealAmericanWeasel · 2022-07-22T23:11:57+00:00

I don’t think someone should ever have to wait if they want it but I have been waiting for many years. My opinion doesn’t matter.

ninjette847 · 2022-07-22T23:22:14+00:00

I had sex with my fiance basically immediately after meeting in person but we talked for hours for like 2 or 3 weeks.

Al_Harith_Arethas · 2022-07-23T00:10:03+00:00

I'm a man and when I was a virgin I had a girl wait 2 months because I was scared and anxious. She was almost begging to fuck me a few times and all ways but verbal

FrivolousMood · 2022-07-23T02:04:27+00:00

Maybe 4 dates max.

TheLivingDead123 · 2022-07-23T03:39:50+00:00

waiting past the marriage point is too long

vin9889 · 2022-07-23T03:59:37+00:00

Sadly, after 2 dates is not worth while.

Maybe if we talk about sex and have an understanding but if it’s unsaid after 2 dates I’m going to just talk to others.

sluttykitt_y · 2022-07-23T05:11:25+00:00

Play it by ear and read the situation, everyone is different. Understand the possibility that she may not want to fuck u but won’t explicitly reject you because some people like to avoid confrontation.

If you have a good night, and both enjoy being in the presence of eachother then it’s okay to be honest and ask (or invite back to your place to be more casual etc)

gladusgates · 2022-07-23T08:36:18+00:00

Any more than 3 dates and she's absolutely wasting your time.

Tedauz · 2022-07-23T09:49:19+00:00

If the first date goes well you definitely won’t have to wait at all. I’ve never had to wait for sex, and no woman has ever made me wait.

retal1ator · 2022-07-23T10:12:04+00:00

If she’s not a virgin, I’d say typically it becomes natural to have sex within 5-8 encounters or dates.

RealAmericanWeasel · 2022-07-23T15:44:50+00:00

Any amount of waiting is too long.

GottaPSoBad · 2022-07-22T19:35:39+00:00

I was gonna say a firm date number, but I'm modifying my answer based on some really great responses and dialogues in the comments. (WTF, did I just say that about a PDD thread?)

As far as the number of dates, it's definitely gonna vary. Using the number of weeks or months as a guideline is probably better. Time breeds knowledge and trust. It also gives plenty of opportunities for a decent number of dates as well. If you can't make time for approximately 1 date every 7 to 10 days, do you really have time for a relationship at all?

I'd say after about a month of IRL, I start to think "this is concerning." It's rarely gone that long for me, but the few times it has, it's always turned out bad. 6 weeks is my absolute max, and I'm gonna need a solid explanation from her. Everybody's different, but that's where I land.

Sidenote: I don't count pen pal time on apps or via text, assuming there's been no IRL prior. The clock starts when we first meet in person.

Professional_Gold_25 · 2022-07-22T21:27:51+00:00

If it's easy for her to put off or avoid sex for longer than 2-3 dates - 4 max, she isn't sexually attracted to you.

Highway time after that, especially if your dumb ass is wining and dining her during this time.

AndyBrown65 · 2022-07-23T00:19:04+00:00

As soon as women start withholding sex as a bargaining chip, move on. Their manipulative nature has been expossd

Vtridolla · 2022-07-22T18:14:03+00:00

I actually really appreciate when women have us wait. I find anticipation sexy af. I also don’t really understand the whole impatient thing. When I’m single and dating and meeting new people I’m having sex with other people too.So it’s not a big deal to me at all.

StrawbabyKitten · 2022-07-22T19:31:48+00:00

I wait 6 months to have sex with a man. That’s how long it takes me to realize if I want to be in a relationship with him. I only have sex in relationships.

He can do whatever he wants in the meantime bc I’ll also be 0 commitment to him. I’ll be on dates with multiple men until I pick the best one to be in a relationship with.

HuckleberryThis2012 · 2022-07-23T01:04:03+00:00

According to Dr. Elliot Reid, 4 dates is the correct time to have sex. One date longer than the sluts, one date shorter than the prudes.

pm_me_hairy_nudes · 2022-07-23T06:19:43+00:00

I'm actually curious, how long does it take for most lying fuckboy wannabes to give up?

will they wait 2 or 3 months, dating and texting a girl, before they ghost after sex? can I filter them out if I say the only sex I want is pegging only?

M_LaSalle · 2022-07-23T09:18:01+00:00

The red line is where I become her celibate boyfriend, which I absolutely refuse to do for anybody. I don't owe her dates , and attention, and spending time and money on her when I have neither sex nor the promise of a relationship. Three dates is a reasonable limit. AFter that, it's reasonable to conclude that she doesn't find me attractive and is just there to get free stuff, or she is otherwise wasting my time. If she's a virgin, that's fixable, and if she has trauma or whatever then she needs to be seeing a therapist, not taking up the limited time of my life.

If this sounds harsh, it's because I think OP has asked a fair question, deserving of an answer. How long? That implies a definite interval of time.

Willow-girl · 2022-07-23T12:20:24+00:00

If he doesn't put out by the second date I'm probably moving on. Just sayin'!

Lift_and_Lurk · 2022-07-22T18:33:40+00:00

After you break up is a bad time to ask.

CliffPR · 2022-07-22T22:22:33+00:00

3 dates or one month whichever comes first. Any longer and I will never believe it's comfort and not manipulation.

EaseNew · 2022-07-22T21:44:24+00:00

I only have sex inside of relationships. The men I date are more than welcome to wine and dine me with the exception of cheap sex because I’ll go home with free meals and gifts from my favorite places and they’ll go back home with their limp dick and money wasted. May the best man 🏆.

SantarpiosPizza · 2022-07-22T20:42:35+00:00

3 months.

Karmanger · 2022-07-22T21:19:54+00:00

3 dates, any longer and I’d assume she’s using me.

What more do you need to know after 3 dates? By that time you’ve got a grasp on who that person is and how they operate.

Unless you’re sexting and talking about your turn ons before you sleep together (which people who wait more than a month rarely do), not sure what else you need to know to be comfortable.

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throwaway316stunner · 2022-07-22T18:28:51+00:00

I suppose it depends on how quickly the people in question connect as well as how often they see each other.

I’ve never been on a date, but I’m definitely wouldn’t fuck on the first date. Or the second. Maybe the third…? Again, depends on how quickly and how good of a connection we would create.

grlq · 2022-07-22T20:24:30+00:00

Oral or anal?

Danielwols · 2022-07-22T20:33:58+00:00

My advice is in 2 parts 1: do you want it and does/do the other party/parties want it and are you compatible kink and such wise yes? Move to 2: go somewhere where you all/both feels safe to do so and if at any point anyone stops feeling comfortable with it stop it

Anykindofland · 2022-07-22T21:12:22+00:00

The length is not important, whats important is the communication. Being open why you want to wait is crucial so you don't leave the other person guessing whats going on. If you need a few weeks before you are comfortable with sex, say so. If the other person dumps you because of this, you were not compatible anyway.

WOPR-1983 · 2022-07-22T21:40:39+00:00

The Viagra wears off in 4 hours.

UncomfortableTruthsl · 2022-07-22T22:40:38+00:00

I posted something similar lol

Honest_Report_8515 · 2022-07-23T00:15:56+00:00

It works both ways.

Zuck7980 · 2022-07-23T00:41:24+00:00

10 dates max

Various_Abies_6099 · 2022-07-23T01:09:10+00:00

I would wait as long as I knew it was her testing to see if I kept up a fake fasade, and not because she's contemplating whether she's attracted to me or not.

Usually it shouldn't be longer than 3 months (adults).

The3rdGodKing · 2022-07-23T01:37:17+00:00

How rich are you?

neolib-cowboy · 2022-07-23T02:00:53+00:00

Depends on the woman. If she is just seeing you, I could wait for a few months, if she is actively talking to other men and/or gave it up easily before, then I won't wait for a long time, because its not okay imo that I have to wait, while she didn't make others wait. But if I see a fair standard applied, I am game, especially if she seems like a really good person

RRBeachFG2 · 2022-07-23T02:04:57+00:00

If both people are willing to wait in order to feel comfortable than they will wait.

FocusLeather · 2022-07-23T02:14:06+00:00

This depends on if we’re dating exclusively or not and I know that we are…if we’re dating exclusively…the longest I’ll wait is 3 months before I move on, if we’re not dating exclusively…I’m not waiting. I’m going to be having sex with other women while I wait. What’s the point in making me wait if we’re not going to be serious?

5x69fq29d0f6m33k17b0 · 2022-07-23T02:21:31+00:00

This is a matter of individual preferences and boundaries. The answer will be different for each individual.

HazyMemory7 · 2022-07-23T02:42:56+00:00

Like, more than 4 or 5 dates. I'd say within a month of talking if you aren't doing anything sexual you should start to seriously question whether or not a woman is genuinely attracted to you or just using you as a wallet.

gobblegoobleoneofus · 2022-07-23T03:10:38+00:00

i don't mind not having sex if we do other hook up stuff. hand and mouth stuff is good enough for me.

thedeadpill · 2022-07-23T03:46:33+00:00

I don't really care how quickly or not that they slept with other people. I care whether they're compatible with me. I like sex, early and often, and if it isn't supplied, I move on. I think of it as a mismatch. It doesn't much matter if sex is ultra-special to them or if they're playing a mindgame; both those things are incompatibilities.

Ohms2North · 2022-07-23T04:09:39+00:00

An hour

SteveSan82 · 2022-07-23T10:14:30+00:00

You should be having sex on the first date unless she is a virgin.

ManWazo · 2022-07-23T10:59:39+00:00

Third date is too long.

Catherine772023 · 2022-07-23T14:10:41+00:00

So many women want to wait 90 days that I don’t think it’s too long if you can be ok waiting that long and it gives you a chance to focus on getting to know her. If everything else is going great that’s a sign of enthusiasm so you’ll probably get good sex when you get it if not the first time but after a few (you could get lucky the first time). Be patient and if you end up in an LTR you will have good sex with her regularly. And you will have an emotional connection, which can make it more enjoyable. If you really like her u should be willing to wait. But I think doing something else (eg kissing or making out) in that time can be a good idea to enjoy the attraction and sexy suspense first.

You don’t know if she slept with other guys fast but focus on what is good now more than her past.

Dougthepubpiano · 2022-07-23T14:12:05+00:00

Any more than one minute is too long

Pacman124 · 2022-07-23T14:38:31+00:00

Depends on her history. I'm a virgin (not by choice), so for me, sex or no sex won't change much. I can wait if it makes her more comfortable.

However, if she used to have sex left and right in the past but wants to wait with me, I'm not going to compromise on that. I'll assume she is not physically attracted to me and probably leave. I'll probably never get into a relationship with a high-n count woman anyway as there's too big of a difference in experience which doesn't motivate me to find some vibe in such a relationship

If it's someone who had only sex in her relationships and treated her exes just like she's doing me now, I'm fine too.

A virgin (best case scenario for me), we would just go with the flow. I wouldn't have to worry about anything

Joodz · 2022-07-23T15:46:05+00:00

3 dates, anymore you are being fucked around

Conscious_Ad_6572 · 2022-07-23T17:43:03+00:00

Really depends if she got valid excuse then okay

Barely-moral · 2022-07-23T20:39:37+00:00

So, how long is too long? If you’re dating someone new, and she said she wanted to wait, would you put a time limit on how long you’re waiting? Especially if everything else is going great?

As long as her previous partners got to wait and no more.

ETA: I wanted to add that in this scenario the waiting is not because of a mindgame or manipulation: it’s for comfort/compatibility. Some people need to know and connect with someone before they can enjoy having sex with them.

Same answer. If she got comfortable with anyone in her past in X amount of time and I can't get her to be comfortable in said time then I don't see a reason to pursue that relationship.

Electrical-Elk9058 · 2022-07-23T23:10:44+00:00

For men at least:

Did she make you wait 2 months but fucked a guy raw in the clubs bathroom without knowing his name? Dump her

How can I know if she did that?

You cant

dbz19_kai · 2022-07-24T03:21:09+00:00

I’M AFRAID IT’S BEEN…. 9 YEARS

ahillbilly97 · 2022-07-24T03:38:09+00:00

If her panties don’t drop when she sees me I don’t want it

kevkaneki · 2022-07-24T14:44:53+00:00

Third date. My logic for this is simple. I’m a busy man, I have time for maybe one date per weekend. That means if I take a woman out 3 times, at a bare minimum we’ve been talking for almost a month, and in practice it’s usually longer because when you’re casually dating you probably aren’t going to go on dates with the same woman 3 weekends in a row. That means we’ve been talking for a month or a month and a half. That’s plenty of time for us to get to know each other and feel comfortable.

StacksFifthAve · 2022-07-24T20:10:36+00:00

My general thought is 30-45 days after the first date or first date-esque time spent together. I think that’s honestly way more than enough reasonable enough time to assess whether or not she wants to fuck and is just waiting for the comfort factor to kick in or if I’m just wasting my time.

I say that amount of time simply because life can happen, we both responsibilities, maybe she has an important project at work that’s zapping her of her lust for life at the moment, or had a death in the family and doesn’t want to dive deeper into a new relationship while grieving, or maybe there was a business or long awaited family trip, etc; I don’t know, lol.

Personally I think in most situations the man should fall back after the second date with no play and allow her to bring the interest forth next while being comfortable with the propensity for the two of them to fall off if she doesn’t, but every once in a while you meet someone you think may be special or start dating someone you know who is special to you, and maybe in those circumstances should the man be willing to take an early loss to win bigger later.

LiterallyJustDev · 2022-07-25T01:50:49+00:00

Assuming y’all see each other on a consistent basis, maybe 1-2 times a week, and text often, I’d say anything past 3-4 months she isn’t too attracted to you man. Women know within maybe 2-3 weeks of meeting a new guy if she can see herself fucking you, for whatever reasons. 1-2 months in, she’ll know if she WANTS to fuck you or not. There’s a difference in the two. If you know what it’s like to have a woman crave you physically and mentally, you’ll be able to pick up when they are/aren’t feeling you that way. I respect celibacy, don’t get it twisted. But there’s a difference between that and just stringing the guy along while holding out .

The_Entertainer217 · 2022-07-25T16:03:21+00:00

To my mind, we aren’t in a monogamous relationship until we’ve had sex, after that we can discuss if we want to become exclusive or not so it doesn’t really matter.

Cultist902 · 2022-07-31T14:32:11+00:00

I dated a gal for almost a year and she wouldn’t sleep with me for most of that year. She would tell me all about the several guys she was with in the past but would keep me at arms length most of the time.

We would make out and she’d take her clothes off, but when it came to going further she’d get mad at me and then she’d eventually start talking about her past experiences with whichever guy she was with before.

I told her how I felt and she was genuinely surprised. I mean really?! How would anyone else feel in my shoes? Eventually we did have sex but it was awful. The second and last time she glared at me and told me to hurry up.

I just stopped, got dressed, and told her to get the fuck out of my house

Title	How Long is Too Long to Wait For Sex?
Author	anonymous-platypus1
Upvotes	53
Comments	235
Date	July 22, 2022 6:06 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	/r/PurplePillDebate
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-long-is-too-long-to-wait-for-sex.1125256 https://theredarchive.com/post/1125256
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/w5h5mh/how_long_is_too_long_to_wait_for_sex/