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How Long is Too Long to Wait For Sex?

July 22, 2022
53 upvotes

One of the main complaints I see on this sub is that a woman makes a man she likes wait for sex; when previously, whether it be weeks, months, years or days ago, she slept with a different guy fairly quickly.

So, how long is too long? If you’re dating someone new, and she said she wanted to wait, would you put a time limit on how long you’re waiting? Especially if everything else is going great?

ETA: I wanted to add that in this scenario the waiting is not because of a mindgame or manipulation: it’s for comfort/compatibility. Some people need to know and connect with someone before they can enjoy having sex with them.

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[–]Raileyxreal sjw 60 points61 points  (33 children) | Copy Link

If it doesn't feel like you're waiting to be comfortable and it starts feeling like a mindgame or a "strategy" instead, you've passed that point.

There may be good reasons to wait longer. Maybe you're a virgin, maybe you have trauma, maybe you've just had a really bad breakup and aren't emotionally ready, maybe your ex died, maybe there's a medical issue, maybe you're just the sort of person for who sex is so extremely intimate that you're only willing to share it with someone you know extremely well, maybe maybe maybe. In some of these cases it might even be valid to wait almost indefinitely, as long as you communicate your reasons of course.

But note how all of these are related to your level of comfort. Imagine none of that applies: If you'd be 100% comfortable having sex but you still don't do it then it.. gets a little bit confusing? What are you waiting for now? Waiting just for the sake of waiting, because you think it's "proper", or because you think you'll get something out of it?

I don't like that thought-process, not a fan, probably not going to bother going forward.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 7 points8 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

Oh no, I meant fully like waiting to gain comfort. I’m one of the people that thinks sex is super intimate and to enjoy it I need to know someone well. And if we aren’t exclusive I always assume they’re going to get it from someone else anyway, so my needing to wait should be a huge huge issue.

[–]Raileyxreal sjw 4 points5 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

that's fair and I think that's a valid reason, that reasonable partners should be able to accept.

Personally, I think in these cases the limit will probably depend on how much time you spend with each other, as you'll get to know them a lot quicker if you spend more time.I think if you go on a lot of dates, you can get to know someone reasonably well within a month, and then diminishing returns start kicking in hard. Everything beyond that would require a lot more investment, so at that point I imagine you won't get much more out of waiting.

But you know yourself best, and the process of getting to know someone can differ from person to person. How long do you typically wait then? Or how long would you like to wait if you're not getting pushed in any way whatsoever?

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 2 points3 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Generally I usually get there in a month or two. But I’ve been noticing now guys are dipping before. And because of my issue, I am not asking for exclusivity and I will do other stuff that’s just for the guy. But apparently I’ve been finding impatient men and it’s really gotten to me.

[–]Raileyxreal sjw 6 points7 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

Are you telling them why you want to wait or are you just not being very clear about it?

Because again, "It's something very intimate for me and I only enjoy it with someone I know really well and get along with great." sounds like a valid reason to me that any man who cares about your pleasure should be able to accept.

On the other hand, if you're not being clear about it they might assume something different about you, like that it's just a simple issue of missing chemistry and that you're not too interested, which might prompt them to leave.

[–]King-SAMOWhy are you like this? 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

how long is it supposed to take to gain an appropriate degree of comfort with someone? I’ve learned that people have different thresholds for tolerating risks, but my assessment of someone’s degree of comfort is inextricably biased by my own; if I’m comfortable with you after ~12hours of face to face flirting, and you aren’t after ~48 hours of face to face flirting, then that’s 36 hours of my thinking you’re good enough and you thinking I’m not. Eventually, that discrepancy will feel indistinguishable from rejection.

also, exclusivity can be tacitly implied, unevenly applied, or involuntarily adhered to; their problem, not yours, but dont think for a second that the relationship you’re trying to form is somehow immune to that influence. Likewise, never forget that you are competing with the women he’s sleeping with; the more you like him, chances are the more she does to.

this is why for me, personally, in most but not all cases, after 3-4 dates without anyone getting off, I will generally need a reason to keep coming around, and just liking a woman isn’t enough. Just appreciating her company and approving of her character doesn’t mean that I’m getting enough out of our dates to keep taking her out on them. If the chances of anyone getting off at the end of the date is negligible, then is her wearing a cute outfit and laughing at my jokes really enough to get me scrubbed up and downtown on time? Not necessarily.

[–]daddysgotanew 6 points7 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

Nobody has “issues” or “trauma” when the hot guy shows up. Be the hot guy

[–]sublimemongrelBecky, Esq. 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sure they do it’s ridiculous to believe that every women will sleep with a so called “hot guy” immediately or that no “hot guy” will ever have to wait until she’s ready.

[–]Raileyxreal sjw 7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

oh yeah that's definitely how it works bro, for sure.

lmao

[–]daddysgotanew 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

I mean, you can continue to choke on those blue pills if you want but yea, I am right

[–]Raileyxreal sjw 11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

tfw "someone hot trying to fuck you doesn't cure trauma" is now a bluepilled take.

I've read some insane shit on this sub, but this is a new low.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I’m a woman. I can say I have turned down hot guys because I will not enjoy it. It’ll

[–]Cobra_x30 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Yes, yes... you are a unicorn. Blah, blah, blah.

I note you didn't say you turned down every single hot guy who has ever tried it on.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

A guy being hot is not going to magically give me the ability to enjoy having sex with him. I’m not a unicorn, but I can say that if a hot guy asked me to have sex with him right now I wouldn’t. Hell my favorite celebrity could ask me and I wouldn’t be able to trick my mind into letting me enjoy it without knowing them first.

I’m not waiting for a power move. I would like a chance to enjoy sex too: waiting allows me to get into the headspace where i can be in the moment with my partner.

[–]throwaway164_3 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Replace “nobody” with “many women” and I’ll agree with you. Aka brad Pitt test. Rules are made for average looking men and broken for hot men.

[–]BeautifulTomatillo 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There would be less “waiting for the sake of waiting” if slut shaming and mockery of sexually active women wasn’t so ubiquitous with men

[–]Raileyxreal sjw 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

here's the thing, in the minds of the men who slutshame, women can only do wrong either way.

You don't wait? "Slut."

You wait? "Why aren't you putting out you stupid bitch, you're wasting my time."

The type of person that slutshames never had any respect for women in the first place. They don't have a coherent ideology, you can tell because they don't even apply the same logic to themselves.

[–]SteveSan82 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

If you have trauma, you shouldn’t be dating. No one should be punished for other peoples errors

[–]Raileyxreal sjw 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

First off, having trauma is not an "error."

Secondly, people can decide themselves whether or not they're ready to date, and they might very well be even with trauma.

Thirdly, don't be such a fucking loser.

[–]SteveSan82 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Learn to read before commenting

[–]BlueMountainDacePurple Pill Man 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You should wait till you both feel ready to have sex. I never felt like having a one-night stand was natural to me, so I never had one. I have been in seven medium-to-long term relationships.

For the first one we waited almost a year. Neither of us had ever had sex and we both were just feeling things out to make sure we were ready.

The second one we had sex after the second date because we were both feeling it.

With my wife, we probably dated for a month or so before having sex.

There isn't a general rule. You need to do what is right by your standards. I had opportunities for one-night stands and never did them because it never felt right to me to have sex with a random stranger. For many people, it's totally normal. Lots of folks will act one way when they're drunk and one way when they aren't drunk. There is so much going on behind all the decisions we make when it comes to sex that it is pretty futile to try and make rules for how things work.

[–]wtknightGen X Slacker 12 points13 points  (21 children) | Copy Link

It shouldn't be a time thing, but people should be in love when they have sex. If a couple is in love with each other but they are waiting for whatever reason or other to have sex, then I think that it's too long.

[–]Raileyxreal sjw 4 points5 points  (20 children) | Copy Link

why do people need to be in love to have sex? It's also just a fun and pleasurable physical activity, so why does love need to be a factor?

I'm not denying that love can and usually does enhance the activity, but it's by no means necessary for sex to be enjoyable and healthy. So why pretend that it's a prerequisite? Makes no sense to me.

[–]wtknightGen X Slacker 9 points10 points  (17 children) | Copy Link

why do people need to be in love to have sex? It's also just a fun and pleasurable physical activity, so why does love need to be a factor?

Lots of people end up hurt by the existence of casual sex. Lower value men are hurt because they can't have the same experience as higher value men can. Lower value women are hurt by it because they end up sexually used by higher value men.

[–]Raileyxreal sjw -5 points-4 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

no offense, but that sounds like a you-problem.

Basically saying "I will make MY OWN mental issues YOUR problem and tell YOU that YOU'RE not allowed to have fun now or else I will feel bad!!".

uuuh no. Grow up. Other adults aren't responsible for your own mental hang-ups and insecurities. You're describing the mentality of a child.

[–]EviessVeralan 9 points10 points  (10 children) | Copy Link

no offense, but that sounds like a you-problem.

Yes. Personal values are personal. He never said no one should ever do it because muh feelings. He just said that due to his observation he believes that being in love first is the way to go.

Grow up. Other adults aren't responsible for your own mental hang-ups and insecurities. You're describing the mentality of a child.

You threw an internet fit over a mere disagreements. You should put your stones down since youre in a glass house.

[–]wtknightGen X Slacker 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

There are many men who have complained about the inequalities of the casual sex market and there are many women who have complained about being pumped and dumped, plated or otherwise used by guys for sex. I don't think that it's just a "me issue".

There have been several books written recently criticizing the culture of casual sex. Here is a link to an article about a recent book. Here is a link to an article about another fairly recent book criticizing casual sex culture in college. Many of the recent critics of casual sex have been women, not men like myself.

[–]BumblingBetaWannabe Chad Thundercock 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The man you replied to is in his mid-late 40's, he lived in a different era, this is why his views are different. He doesn't understand modern dating dynamic.

[–]Emotional-Scratch928 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

The older I get, the more willing I am to wait 🤷🏻‍♂️

[–]Raileyxreal sjw 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

and what is your reasoning? Also just so you know, your response just now had nothing to do with what I said.

[–]ima420r 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

There is no time frame. Just go into a relationship and don't worry about sex, and it eventually might happen. If you are just in it for the sex, or if that's the biggest thing you are worried about, you probably need to grow up a little. Sex can be an important part of a relationship, but why not take some time to get to know someone, and when the time is right you both are into it. Don't put sex as a goal that should be completed by a certain time. Goes for women as well.

I've dated a couple people who broke up with me because we didn't have sex right away, they didn't seem to care what I wanted or why I wasn't rushing in to bed. I felt bad but at least I saw what their priorities were.

Plenty of women, and men, decide that sleeping with people right away is not working for them so they find someone they really like and put the sex off.

[–]midwesternMDNo Pill 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

5-6 dates ish for me.

That’s assuming that we’re not progressing from kissing/heavy petting/etc and I’m continuing to plan and pay for dates. If there’s progression or if she’s paying/planning some dates, I’ll probably wait for 10 dates or so. Certainly if we haven’t hooked up by then, she’s not sexual enough for me, not into me enough to let her guard down, has some different view on sex that I can’t articulate here. I don’t care what the reason is. I won’t bother pursuing at that point.

In fairness, I am not financially constrained by dating. It’s the opportunity cost that bothers me. I’ve learned to find a lot of joy in my hobbies and my friends. Dating, with the excitement and the anxiety of “does she like me,” “will we hook up tonight,” etc is fun. But it’s not that fun.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Weird question. What if she’s willing to do everything besides penetrative sex? Would that change how long you wait?

[–]midwesternMDNo Pill 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maybe 10 dates. My typical dates are dinner/conversation at decent restaurants. We’re together 2-3hrs easy. If after 20-30hrs of getting to know me, it’s going to be a huge uphill battle for me to keep seeing her.

I suppose if she’s showing me that she’s strongly attracted to me but has a hangup about penetrative sex that she communicates to me, maybe. But I can’t fathom a hangup that I’d be okay with. Because if that were the case, she’d be telling me that she’s got a hangup about sex that I have failed to alleviate in 10 dates. That’s not particularly encouraging.

[–]SliptheLust, Thrust, Bust and Dust 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Pretty sure he answered that with:

I’ll probably wait for 10 dates or so.

Longer than that, she'd have to either have an issue with him or with sex that isn't being sorted out.

[–]Cobra_x30 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I think you kind of answered your own question here. If you don't move fast, then any guy who really is interested won't mind waiting. However, if you banged some guy on the first date... or just some random guy you met at a bar.... that's where you are going to run into issues.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

So, if a woman bangs one guy on the first date she has to put out quickly for all guys?

[–]drawmatoman 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

she doesn't have to, but she should stay consistent if she doesn't want frustrating experiences with guys in the future.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

How would they know?

[–]SmarmyPapsmearsMarried but likes to talk shit 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

1-2 months, any longer and I would assume she's not interested.

[–]Smitten_Squire 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

A couple months. But it depends how often you "date" in a timespan.

3 dates could be 2 weeks, 3 dates could be 2 months.

I think 2 months is the max limit, other than super religious people

[–]Lexaprofessional1998Blue Pill Woman 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

To be fair, you don’t have to be super religious to wait until marriage, but if you’ve been sexually active before then that’s a bit odd.

[–]januaryphilosopherWoman/student/UK/radfem/makes first move/healthy BMI/bi/taken 18 points19 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

However long it takes for one party to not be happy with the wait. Mr Philosopher and I probably waited "too long" by PPD standards, having taken nine months after meeting and six after dating, but that's when we were both comfortable and neither of us was unhappy. If it's taking too long in your opinion, you can just move on. But there's no universal time when that will be.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a great answer. I felt so weird telling guys I wanted to wait. They always immediate jumped to ask if I was religious or a virgin. And when the answer was no some would get pissy, others would be understanding.

[–]Wide-Illustrator2906 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's called the Three date rule for a reason. Anything past three dates without sexual contact is red flag for lack of attraction on her part.

[–]Specialist-Action-33Purple Pill Man 3 points4 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Plain and simple...30 days. Thats my rule. If 30 days pass and I'm still waiting then I'm looking elsewhere. If she's upset, then let that be a lesson to her not to make me as the guy who had to wait while others got it quicker. The moment we start, shes on the clock.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Why do guys take this so personal. Unless she’s tryin to manipulate things by making you wait she didn’t arbitrarily decide to sleep with other guys just so she could make you wait later on.

[–]Specialist-Action-33Purple Pill Man 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Because I've been through this before where I've waited like 6 or 9 months and didn't have sex. I've learned not to waste my time on someone who wasn't interested in me but wanted to string me along for their own personal gain. Tbf, if shes not the easy girl sex type then I could understand but I feel that they come once in a blue moon.

ETA- I read the responses you gave further down. I was in a relationship like that where she would buy me gifts and we would go out, but we still didn't have sex. She was the one I was with for 9 months, so I think that played a part on why I stayed longer than I should have, especially when no other girl has gone on dates with me like that before (buying me things). Thats cool and I don't mind all of that, but there comes a point where I would feel less of a partner when you easily gave sex to so many people and turn around and have me wait for whatever reason you believe, which we both know the obvious one but will be gaslit to make me think I only saw her for sex.

A lot of guys don't want to be the ones that girls hold sex over their heads like its some kind of threat, whereas other men have done far less and been more successful. Don't pay for her dinner? No sex. Don't buy her a gift? No sex. Piss her off in any kind of way eventhough its obviously not your fault? No sex.

[–]EaseNewFDS prodigy 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It’s a guerrilla warfare tactic in order to coerce women into having sex we don’t want to have.

They’re trying to weaponize relationships in a way they feel as though we have weaponized sex.

It use to be dating, maybe sex. Now it’s sex, maybe dating.

Women have to stay vigilant against these rapey red pill tactics and stick to our boundaries.

[–]bison5595 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s the opposite. Men have learned that women see men differently when it comes to sex. You’re a sucker to wait if she hasn’t made previous men wait

[–]Specialist-Action-331 points [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link

Because I've been through this before where I've waited like 6 or 9 months and didn't have sex. I've learned not to waste my time on someone who wasn't interested in me but wanted to string me along for their own personal gain. Tbf, if shes not the easy girl sex type then I could understand but I feel that they come once in a blue moon.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If they are that easy then wouldn’t you be able to have a sex with them? If you like her as a person, and she’s not being manipulative, would it really be so bad to wait for a bit until she’s comfortable?

[–]Specialist-Action-33Purple Pill Man 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I deleted the comment before I saw you respnded so i will just say what I had added previously.

I read the responses you gave further down. I was in a relationship like that where she would buy me gifts and we would go out, but we still didn't have sex. She was the one I was with for 9 months, so I think that played a part on why I stayed longer than I should have, especially when no other girl has gone on dates with me like that before (buying me things). Thats cool and I don't mind all of that, but there comes a point where I would feel less of a partner when you easily gave sex to so many people and turn around and have me wait for whatever reason you believe, which we both know the obvious one but will be gaslit to make me think I only saw her for sex.

A lot of guys don't want to be the ones that girls hold sex over their heads like its some kind of threat, whereas other men have done far less and been more successful. Don't pay for her dinner? No sex. Don't buy her a gift? No sex. Piss her off in any kind of way eventhough its obviously not your fault? No sex.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

How do you know she had it quicker with other guys?

[–]altar-of-autumn 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

let that be a lesson to her not to make me as the guy who had to wait while others got it quicker

Are there records at city hall with this information for every woman in your town?

[–]Huellenthousiast 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Honestly think it depends.

Is it as the situation you described? Then 3 to 4 dates.

But is she for example a religious girl? Then I’d wait longer

[–]daddysgotanew 8 points9 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

2-3 dates at the most. Past that, she isn’t really interested in you physically. I aim for first dates myself.

People think that there’s women who wait, and women who don’t- but that’s not the case. It’s all dependent on who the guy is. The same girl telling you she needs to be “more comfortable” let some stud hit it after a 30 minute bar makeout out in Cancun. The best barometer of her level of interest in you for the right reasons is how soon she’ll drop her panties for you. That’s it, no if, ands, or buts about it

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I disagree. I know myself to know that I gotta know you in order to enjoy having sex with you. Me waiting it to make sure I have some chance of being able to relax and mentally and physically be open to the intimacy.

[–]daddysgotanew 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

So you’ve never had a one night stand?

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I’ve had two and hated both of them. Lead me to thinking I just didn’t enjoy sex. I’ll never have one again now that I know I need some form of connection

[–]daddysgotanew 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Point proven lmao. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything twice that I hated, unless I was at work and getting paid for it. I’m guessing you weren’t getting paid to do it but rather the dudes pushed the right buttons and were likely very attractive

[–]OliveNew5455 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

That's simply bullshit. There are absolutely women who wait, now back to your argument - if you are a stud AND she doesn't think u will just hit and leave then yes she will probably be willing to shorten that waiting time. But if she normally waited a month, u won't get it on a second date no matter who you are. I hate to break it down for you, but if a girl let's you hit it after 30 mins it says muuuch more about her than about you my friend.

[–]daddysgotanew 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah, that’s she’s sexually attracted; which is what I’m after. I’m not interested in being a walking wallet

[–]NotARussianBot1984 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly im a sexual guy, i want a sexual girl

[–]cast-away-ramadi06 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yikes, I ran into this in the past. Some girl I enjoyed spending time with wanted to wait a couple of months. I was still hooking up with a FWB and some other side chick. She found out somehow and was really really upset. We never talked about being exclusive so 🤷‍♂️. I didn't want to push things faster than she was comfortable with and apparently she didn't want to have the exclusivity discussion so she just assumed.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I will never push for exclusivity until after I feel comfortable having sex, and even then it may take a few more weeks. But I’ve had guys ask for be exclusive, and I told them not to do it unless they wanted to, and it always turns into them resenting that I still need to wait. Like sir, you can go do whatever you want. We don’t have to be exclusive. I’m certainly still dating usually, but I’ll only sleep with one of the guys I’m dating and usually if we get to that point I’m cutting everyone else off anyway.

[–]tpablazed 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My wife made me wait like 2 months.. that was long enough for me not to think she was like all the other girls.. and not too long where I went for someone else imo.

[–]Background-Edge413 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Am hot right and I know most guys really just wanna get in my pants but I know right away if I’d let them hit or nay. Am a slut I don’t wait for shit haha

[–]HotGrillsummer -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

No but you’re probably not valued either.

[–]jackedsoonwhite men cannot be incels 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

if she does casual sex/ons first week.

if not then 2 weeks to month max.

[–]WillyDonDilly69 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If she makes you wait more than 3 dates the sex is not worth it and she just wants you for validation

[–]purplish_possum 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Nothing wrong with the tried and true 3-date rule.

[–]Eastuss༼ つ ▀̿_▀̿ ༽つ 4 points5 points  (35 children) | Copy Link

My longest was date 2 and it always happened more or less organically.

I'd think, if she wants to impose limits, that she's a stuck up person who don't like sex and therefore it's a red flag for me.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 5 points6 points  (21 children) | Copy Link

Why is it stuck up to want to wait? For me I just need to know someone in order to even enjoy sex.

[–]Eastuss༼ つ ▀̿_▀̿ ༽つ 0 points1 point  (20 children) | Copy Link

Why do you need to know someone in order to even enjoy sex? Sounds like you just don't enjoy sex and don't let things happen organically. We won't be compatible. If things are meant to work they work quick or they never work. Most girls who played long game with me just were treating me like dogshit and eventually friendzoned me.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 6 points7 points  (17 children) | Copy Link

I enjoy sex with people I know. It took some learning. But sex is intimate. Sex is a very high risk activity. And the stigma with which men equate women and sex means I have to be very picky about who I allow into my body anyway. But all that said, in the end I just need to have a bond with the person to enjoy or even really want see from them.

When I was younger I simply endured it because my partner liked it: and the bad sex lead me to breaking up with them. When I waited, I found the sex was better, and we knew one another better. I could be excited for my partner.

If I’m friendzoning a guy, I would never put him in a situation where he thought he would be having sex with me. I would make it clear I wanted to be friends, and hangout as friends: pay for my own stuff, help him wingman, that sort of thing.

Also adding because of my issue, I don’t care if a guy gets what he needs from somewhere else if we aren’t exclusive. And so long as he’s being safe and doesn’t mind getting tested.

[–]Eastuss༼ つ ▀̿_▀̿ ༽つ 1 point2 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

Sex is a very high risk activity. And the stigma with which men equate women and sex means I have to be very picky about who I allow into my body anyway.

I KNOW. I've heard this line every single second of my life from older women. Literally every girl in my life stressed that same line of thought and it just was never really true or beneficial for me to play along that.

Things worked immensely better for me when I was simply a very bad horny dog that found them so attractive that I couldn't help being sexual immediately. Exactly what I was told would never work.

if we aren’t exclusive.

Fun fact: There isn't such a thing in my country, at least not among young people who don't live in the capital. You "date" or kiss => you are exclusive. Though in my situations there were no date and kiss, but I've been told so often to start being friend before to let the bonds create, and it just didn't work. You can't create a romantic bond without sexual tension, and when I added sexual tension, then things became very quick.

[–]naianys1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

You need to have sex with people you barely even know in order to be able to enjoy sex? The heck? It's fine if you just can't wait more than two dates, but to claim that women who prefer to get to know a man before they get in bed with him don't enjoy sex is pretty crazy.

[–]Eastuss༼ つ ▀̿_▀̿ ༽つ 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You need to have sex with people you barely even know in order to be able to enjoy sex? The heck?

The heck indeed. No I don't need anything thank you :')

but to claim that women who prefer to get to know a man before they get in bed with him don't enjoy sex is pretty crazy. Many people need to form a connection and feel safe before they're able to let someone inside of them... That's just normal

Yeah that's what all women ever told me, it was literally the first version of the story I was ever served. And that never showed to be true. Either things work early or they never work in my experience. I know it works for some men, but the hops they have to go through is insane, and the sex they have in the end is pretty sad. Their own words.

[–]StrawbabyKitten 0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy Link

I love sex. Hell no I wouldn’t give it up on the first date. Work for it baby

[–]Eastuss༼ つ ▀̿_▀̿ ༽つ 2 points3 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

I did, and always had it on date 2.

[–]StrawbabyKitten 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy Link

Doubt it was to high standards , but you do you!

[–]Eastuss༼ つ ▀̿_▀̿ ༽つ 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy Link

what do you mean?

[–]PlayfulLawyerNo Pill 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If a girl is a virgin or really only has a body count of like one or two both of those being in the context of a serious relationship, and we really hit it off (and she's not wanting to wait until marriage) I might wait a little bit longer, I'm probably not going to be monogamous during that time though

But just in general 3-5 dates is my general limit, if it hasn't happened by then, I just take it as she's not into me and we go on to the next

[–]ScarAdvanced9562#c00040 pilled 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Depends on how hot she is. If she’s average, then probably 2-3 weeks. If she’s a 7 or higher, then 4-5 weeks.

[–]eyesayhello 6 points7 points  (35 children) | Copy Link

3 dates. If it doesn't happen by that time then the chemistry isn't there. That's how I roll.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 3 points4 points  (17 children) | Copy Link

Damn what if you have three dates in like two weeks?

[–]hybridcbu 7 points8 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

Hasn't 3 dates been the standard forever? If it hasn't progressed by then she isn't into you so move on.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 4 points5 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

I feel like three dates could be really fast. I once went on three dates with a guy in two weeks. Definitely didn’t have sex with him after the third date. But I was obviously into him. We weren’t exclusive so I was fine if he was getting it elsewhere. I wasn’t, but that’s because I have to wait in order to be able to enjoy sex.

[–]GottaPSoBadNo Pill 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

But I was obviously into him.

Is it obvious though? What are the dates like? Who's paying (the majority of the time)? What's missing or unclear in terms of compatibility or vetting?

[–]eyesayhello 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

I'm not into wait games. Everyone is free to establish their own rules. The 3 date rule makes sure guys just aren't being used. Dates cost money and time and most men still pay for the dates. I don't invest in women who aren't investing in me.

You'll know if there's chemistry or not.

[–]hybridcbu 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

There's a bunch of replies after this that I'm sure answered it, but 3 dates even if an old rule always felt like a good standard. It doesn't have to be sex per se, but things have to be progressing. If they aren't as a man how am I to know she likes me? In the current landscape where finessing and foodie calls are the norm?

And honestly if it isn't going anywhere after date 2, date 3 probably only happens if she initiates it which they rarely do (least for me).

[–]vorter 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s the median. I wouldn’t mind waiting a couple of months if she let me know ahead of time.

[–]Jesperstarr 6 points7 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

Just because someone doesn’t fuck you doesn’t mean there is no chemistry ffs

[–]eyesayhello 2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

I don't have a problem getting laid. So, I guess I'm just used to that being a norm. So, it's built my expectations. The last woman I waited for was my then girlfriend/now ex-wife. It was about 2-3 weeks in, we were partying and fooling around. It was time. She was practically living with me and spending every non-working hour with me. So, what are we waiting for at that point? The only reason she wanted to wait was that she didn't come off as easy. Well, that's not a good enough reason for me, obviously, because we ended up getting married (huge mistake - probably dumbest mistake of my life).

In hindsight I wish I was less of a gentleman back then. I could've weeded her out. I had plenty of other options.

[–]Jesperstarr 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

That might of not been her only reason though. If you like someone you should wait until they are fully comfortable for them to have sex with you, not just expect it after the third date. That’s entitled

[–]eyesayhello 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I don't violate boundaries. I've often been criticized for not being forward enough.

I met a woman on OLD, we had a great first date. She invited me to her house for dinner and we had another great date. The next day she asked why I didn't make a move. I said, "I dunno. What did you want to happen? She said, I don't know. A make out sesh?"

See, that's how it works. They're either into your soon or they aren't. I'm not always the initiator. But, the keepers for me are the ones who sense that strong attraction and want to act on it. In hindsight, on that second date she was DTF and I was just having a god time warming her up. Apparently, she warmed up pretty quick.

[–]Jesperstarr 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Also, my comment wasn’t a person dig at you specifically it was a general ‘you’ to everyone

[–]eyesayhello 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I didn't take it as a dig. No worries.

[–]daddysgotanew 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Some of you have never been with a woman who actually desires you on a primal level and it shows. I have, multiple times and the difference is night and day. They want to suck your soul out when they have those feelings, and they can’t stop themselves.

There’s a lot of men out there with women who they think love and desire them physically, because they just don’t know any better. Her putting conditions on sex- time limits, waiting, “choreplay,” headaches etc, she doesn’t really like you. She doesn’t doesn’t want to be alone in her apartment all by herself at night. I’ve dated a couple of those too, and got the fuck out with haste.

[–]Jesperstarr 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Erm no

[–]daddysgotanew -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Erm yes

[–]Jesperstarr 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Some women just don’t want sex straight away and that’s okay

[–]daddysgotanew -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yea like 3 percent. That may be high…

[–]xNo-Face 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Choreplay? Ew. I feel sorry for anyone having sex with you.

[–]Easy_Football_6270 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

There can be chemistry without sex. I would not be comfortable having sex with someone who I had only met three times. But physical chemistry can be obvious through kissing or physical closeness.

[–]eyesayhello 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Everyone is free to set their own rules. I've been with women I had instant chemistry with and BOOM. I've been with other women I liked, but it lacked the chemistry I'm looking for. I'm not just looking for a stable, but boring, relationship. I'd rather be stable by myself if there's no excitement. I can find ways to have fun single that don't cost me a bunch of money and drama.

[–]jojo-giraffe 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Partner and I waited a year for sex. Partly due to my upbringing, but also the fact the he was my first relationship (sexual or otherwise), and the fact that we were dating long distance and I saw him only a handful of times that first year.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Okay. I see guys more willing to wait for a virgin or someone that’s religious. And that makes sense with the distance

[–]Simplysalted 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

It really depends, I'd say it's very case by case basis. If I perceive it as some arbitrary power play then my patience will be limited, if it's an actual desire for comfort and trust then cool I'm game.

But it also depends on if there is any intimacy at all, a month of nothing but pecks on the lips is frankly a waste of my time, if there is no sexual tension after the first few dates then there likely never will be. I generally go for or ask for a kiss after the first or second date, depending on the situation and body language, if they aren't receptive or interested then they're just not that into you. That's cool, but I'm not gonna hang around hoping to stoke the fires in you yknow?

Sexual chemistry is very important to me, I've run the gambit of bad relationships due to low effort/lack of compatibility. I'm also a relationship guy, I dont mess around casually, so if we have been talking casually and going on dates for a month or so with nothing odds are im not very invested and am talking to someone else, if not just suggesting we be just friends.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Kissing is definitely on the table for me. But I can’t tell you how many guys stopped talking to me when I told them I needed to be comfortable to have sex and realized I meant it. Well I can, it was 10. And I’m only counting ones that progressed to a third date/fourth date.

[–]Simplysalted 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

Does being comfortable for you involve being in a relationship? While I can see that side of things I personally will not be monogamous with someone I haven't slept with, I want to know the chemistry is there before I commit to anyone.

Imo Nothing is worse than waiting 3 months dating and getting attached to someone then to find out you actually aren't sexually compatible due to a variety of reasons. Feels like wasted time.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Nope! I actually am totally okay with them getting what they need elsewhere so long as they are being safe. I’m going to be dating other people. But I’ll only have sex with one of them.

[–]Simplysalted 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Kudos to you, but thats not really the kind of organic attraction I'm looking for. I dont want to be "chosen" as the smart choice after carefully tasting other dishes, I want to be desired for me. If by date 3 you are still dating around then you're just not that interested, that's fine and dandy, but I know when to cut my losses and move on.

To me true attraction just doesn't work like that, there are dates I've been on where it has been straight electric between her and I. All of the casual flings I'd been talking to fall to the wayside within a few dates because I was interested and attracted to her, thats the kind of connection I'm seeking. Literally had a woman cancel a date she had scheduled to see me instead, at that point I knew it was real and worth pursuing. I'm not interested in passing on paper at the job interview if that makes sense.

If we spent a month dating, let's say 5 or 6 dates, and you suddenly drop that you went on a date the other night thats in your right to do but man I'm gonna feel pretty disrespected. And that's not on you, that's on me, but any attraction or interest I had at that point has completely dissolved.

[–]Best_Illustrator_137 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

For me I’d say I’m waiting like 3-4 date.

[–]Lexaprofessional1998Blue Pill Woman 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A couple of months unless she’s expressed she’s waiting until marriage or something like that. She may have trauma or something surrounding sex so definitely don’t push it.

I will say if it’s taking you longer than that to get comfortable you shouldn’t force yourself, but maybe talk to a therapist or something about why you’re feeling that way. It may be something deeper.

[–]RealAmericanWeasel 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don’t think someone should ever have to wait if they want it but I have been waiting for many years. My opinion doesn’t matter.

[–]ninjette847 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I had sex with my fiance basically immediately after meeting in person but we talked for hours for like 2 or 3 weeks.

[–]Al_Harith_Arethas 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm a man and when I was a virgin I had a girl wait 2 months because I was scared and anxious. She was almost begging to fuck me a few times and all ways but verbal

[–]FrivolousMood 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Maybe 4 dates max.

[–]TheLivingDead123 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

waiting past the marriage point is too long

[–]vin9889 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sadly, after 2 dates is not worth while.

Maybe if we talk about sex and have an understanding but if it’s unsaid after 2 dates I’m going to just talk to others.

[–]sluttykitt_y 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Play it by ear and read the situation, everyone is different. Understand the possibility that she may not want to fuck u but won’t explicitly reject you because some people like to avoid confrontation.

If you have a good night, and both enjoy being in the presence of eachother then it’s okay to be honest and ask (or invite back to your place to be more casual etc)

[–]gladusgatesBlue Pill Man 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Any more than 3 dates and she's absolutely wasting your time.

[–]Tedauz 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If the first date goes well you definitely won’t have to wait at all. I’ve never had to wait for sex, and no woman has ever made me wait.

[–]retal1ator 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If she’s not a virgin, I’d say typically it becomes natural to have sex within 5-8 encounters or dates.

[–]RealAmericanWeasel 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Any amount of waiting is too long.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What? That doesn’t make sense.

[–]GottaPSoBadNo Pill 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I was gonna say a firm date number, but I'm modifying my answer based on some really great responses and dialogues in the comments. (WTF, did I just say that about a PDD thread?)

As far as the number of dates, it's definitely gonna vary. Using the number of weeks or months as a guideline is probably better. Time breeds knowledge and trust. It also gives plenty of opportunities for a decent number of dates as well. If you can't make time for approximately 1 date every 7 to 10 days, do you really have time for a relationship at all?

I'd say after about a month of IRL, I start to think "this is concerning." It's rarely gone that long for me, but the few times it has, it's always turned out bad. 6 weeks is my absolute max, and I'm gonna need a solid explanation from her. Everybody's different, but that's where I land.

Sidenote: I don't count pen pal time on apps or via text, assuming there's been no IRL prior. The clock starts when we first meet in person.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Okay question. are you dating other people during this time?

And I know, see how productive we can be when we are obsessing over arbitrary values?

[–]GottaPSoBadNo Pill 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Okay question. are you dating other people during this time?

I'm trying to probably. 😂 How many things I'm actually juggling varies wildly from month to month. An average of 2 to 3 nights a week carved out for dates isn't that crazy, and leaves plenty of space for multiple people. Plus not everyone's plate spinning. Gotta factor in the monogamous daters when determining an average guideline as well. 7 to 10 days between dates, per person, seems super fair regardless.

And I know, see how productive we can be when we are obsessing over arbitrary values?

The good faith actors in the dating space are all, by definition, doing the best they can. I think, just based on how many couples still find each other, that certain statistically successful strategies and guidelines probably are emergent. We just gotta find them and apply them reasonably in our own lives.

[–]Professional_Gold_25 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

If it's easy for her to put off or avoid sex for longer than 2-3 dates - 4 max, she isn't sexually attracted to you.

Highway time after that, especially if your dumb ass is wining and dining her during this time.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

So I disagree. So I’m sexually attracted but I literally cannot enjoy sex, even oral performed on me. If I’m not comfortable with the person. I’ll do stuff for him. Because that’s how I’ll show I’m interested. But I’m not having sex I know 100% I’m not going to like.

[–]Blueexpression -1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Clearly, nexting you after 3 dates is the smart play cause the fact that you cant enjoy sex will turn it into a shitty relationship. You are probably looking for an ultra simp, or someone who is similarly uninterested in sex at all.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Read the whole post. I can’t enjoy sex if I don’t know the person.

[–]Blueexpression 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are right. I stand corrected. Regardless, 3 dates max for me….unless I know she wants to jump my bones but just doesnt want to seem like a slut

[–]AndyBrown65 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

As soon as women start withholding sex as a bargaining chip, move on. Their manipulative nature has been expossd

[–]Vtridolla 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I actually really appreciate when women have us wait. I find anticipation sexy af. I also don’t really understand the whole impatient thing. When I’m single and dating and meeting new people I’m having sex with other people too.So it’s not a big deal to me at all.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

When I’m single and dating and meeting new people I’m having sex with other people too.So it’s not a big deal to me at all.

exactly. i usually have a girl lined up after a date just in case i get no play.

[–]StrawbabyKitten 4 points5 points  (39 children) | Copy Link

I wait 6 months to have sex with a man. That’s how long it takes me to realize if I want to be in a relationship with him. I only have sex in relationships.

He can do whatever he wants in the meantime bc I’ll also be 0 commitment to him. I’ll be on dates with multiple men until I pick the best one to be in a relationship with.

[–]AreOut 6 points7 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

if he can do whatever he wants in the meantime does it mean you could be friends for 6 months and then straight away jump into bed?

[–]StrawbabyKitten 2 points3 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

No he’ll be courting me. Meaning giving me gifts, dates, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and more. I don’t expect that from friends.

There will be other man doing it too, so if he doesn’t want to I’ll be with the man that will.

[–]daddysgotanew 9 points10 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Quality men won’t go for this. Losers might but who wants them

[–]Professional_Gold_25 5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Yeah exactly. This is a simp magnet. And does jack shit for the men, guaranteed.

At 30 will be desperately single and wondering why men don't fawn over her anymore.

[–]sublimemongrelBecky, Esq. 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Attractive men who are really into you will absolutely make a concerted effort.

[–]StrawbabyKitten 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’m in a relationship and live the life of my dreams at 21. who cares. I like my men hopelessly in love and devoted to me

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 1 point2 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

This is very fair. I’m all for people dating around until they want to be exclusive so long as there is honesty. Guys on here talking about womens hypergamy: like there’s no need for rush into a serious exclusive relationship, take your time and enjoy getting to know people.

[–]StrawbabyKitten 6 points7 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

I support women following hypergamy. Why would a woman not marry the best provider and the guy who puts the most effort/ shows her love the most ? Especially if she wants children.

[–]luigiman13"Forgot to take my pills" pill 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Respect. Like OP said, I don't really care if that's your objective, but I at least expect honesty and not being gaslit otherwise.

The only issue I see with hypergamy is the idea that it encourages disposability. Like, sure you might find the most superior mate possible, but does that mean you'll upgrade if the next greatest thing crosses your path one day? If that is indeed the case, I think men being aware of this idea of being swapped out for an upgrade probably makes us less likely to want to commit in general. At least that's how I would feel personally as a man. I'm curious to hear your input and understand your side on this since you seem laid-back when it comes to sharing your strategy.

Not a knock on you in any way. Keep on doing you, girl. Props to you for owning it and the best of luck in your search ✌️

[–]StrawbabyKitten 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I’m very honest about it :) when I used to go to dates with multiple men they knew there were other men also trying to swoon me. This actually makes men naturally competitive and they want to try their best to take me off the market. Like I said I don’t sleep with a man That’s courting me until we’re official so the men know I’m not sleeping with the 4-6 dudes I’m going on dates with. And they’re going on dates with other women as well, at least I would hope so, because then if they pick me I know they see me as the best.

Disposability. It’s interesting, similar how a man might dispose a woman once she looses her looks. There needs to be substance to the relationship. If you only provide for me, but treat me like trash and have no respect for me, no ambition to always continue to grow together and live the life of our dreams. I’m not interested. Similarly, if you tell me all the nice words, tell me you love me, I’m beautiful every day and that I’m special but you don’t show it with physical actions, no thanks.

I have high standards. My partner is not afraid of another man coming around and taking me because he knows that. he gives me all the love, care, affection, actions and more and he’s done it for so long that I’m grateful everyday and loyal. He’s my king and daddy(when we’re in bed). A man can’t come around with just his money and impress me.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Everyone should do it. Maximize your luck at finding a better partner and or reduces bitter feelings when one prospect doesn’t work out. Be honest about it though.

[–]StrawbabyKitten 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Exactly. As of men don’t marry the most beautiful / smart/ caring / and least stressful woman they can get.

[–]NotARussianBot1984 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're a great example of hypergamy working. Not having sex for 6 mths with men who are better than you ensures they want a relationship. The issue is when women sleep with Chad right away deluding themselves that its a real relationship.

Also picking men not marriage quality but for fun. You dont do that, you seek a marriage. Congrats. You're the exception to the rule in my experience.

[–]Simplysalted 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

I'm curious has this worked for you? Do you find yourself in good relationships often? If we went more than a month like this I'd honestly assume you aren't into me and suggest we be friends.

[–]StrawbabyKitten 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

I’m in a relationship currently for 2 years. It’s worked out great because he’s everything I want. I’m 21 btw and this is my first relationship bc I knew the standards I wanted before being with a man.

He provides for me while I work in my dreams, takes me on trips to Hawaii and Spain (most recent), spoils me, got me vip tickets for my favorite artist, makes me feel beautiful every day and appreciates everything I do, got a beautiful condo for us to live in, and way way more.

We’ll maybe get married.

[–]Simplysalted 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

So you acted this way one time and it worked once, im curious if/when it won't work for you in the future if it doesn't work out with your guy. Will this strategy work at 25? 30? 35? I'm doubtful to be honest, I think this kind of hypergamy is only really possible at your age. Considering all of the things he provides for you, I'd say the assumption that there is a significant age gap isn't too big of a leap. And with someone at his economic status he could likely trade you in for a newer model once your golden years are behind you, did that come into your consideration when you chose him?

With the albeit limited information available it sounds like he brings more to the table than you do.

[–]StrawbabyKitten 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That’s fine. I plan to be married, financially set and with a house under my name by the time I’m 25.

I never stated what I being to the table. I’m a catch:) my current man or any other provider man would be happy to have me be the mother of his children.

[–]DreysunTheOne 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

check her posts and everything she's saying makes sense.

[–]NotARussianBot1984 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

Do you split the check for 6 months of dating?

[–]StrawbabyKitten -1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I don’t pay for anything in relationships or dating no, unless a man wants to split the check but I wouldn’t call him back. Not every date has to be expensive, people can get creative.

[–]NotARussianBot1984 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Ah you're a young pretty little dating older man. Good for you! I understand your opinions better now. Seems like the type of girl i would wait for.

[–]StrawbabyKitten 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you! My daddy says I’m the best little. I spoil him plenty. People complain about my standards but they don’t realize once I belong to a man I worship the ground he walks on lol

[–]HuckleberryThis2012 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

According to Dr. Elliot Reid, 4 dates is the correct time to have sex. One date longer than the sluts, one date shorter than the prudes.

[–]pm_me_hairy_nudes 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm actually curious, how long does it take for most lying fuckboy wannabes to give up?

will they wait 2 or 3 months, dating and texting a girl, before they ghost after sex? can I filter them out if I say the only sex I want is pegging only?

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

The fuckboys usually give up after date one when I won’t send them nudes, honestly.

[–]M_LaSalle 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The red line is where I become her celibate boyfriend, which I absolutely refuse to do for anybody. I don't owe her dates , and attention, and spending time and money on her when I have neither sex nor the promise of a relationship. Three dates is a reasonable limit. AFter that, it's reasonable to conclude that she doesn't find me attractive and is just there to get free stuff, or she is otherwise wasting my time. If she's a virgin, that's fixable, and if she has trauma or whatever then she needs to be seeing a therapist, not taking up the limited time of my life.

If this sounds harsh, it's because I think OP has asked a fair question, deserving of an answer. How long? That implies a definite interval of time.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

What about if she communicated that to you? That sex is super intimate and in order to enjoy it with anyone she needs to feel comfortable so that she can let herself relax and be vulnerable. During this time you can see other people.

[–]M_LaSalle 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't actually care why she's not having sex with me. No one owes me sex, ever. Her reasons are her reasons, period, end of story, and I'm not going to make an issue of them. The flip side of that is that I don't owe her courtship. But hypothetically, let's say she tells me that she isn't ready yet, and she needs more time. She doesn't know how much more time she needs, and she doesn't know that she will ever be ready. But she'd like to keep me to court her. She still wants my courtship, my attention, my time and she wants me to spend money on her. But no sex, and no promise of sex ever. So what's in it for me?

I'm spending money, the time of my life that I can't get back, and the opportunity cost of the woman I'm not dating who might want to have sex. And don't tell me that I can see other women while she walks up and down the driveway at 2AM praying over whether to have sex with me, because I guarantee you that the knowledge that I'm riding some other woman like a rented pony is not going to make her more inclined to agree to have sex with me.

Understand that this is NOT a negotiation. I'm not going to pressure her to do something she does not want to do. If she doesn't want to have sex with me, then that's that, and we part as friends, but part we must. And I'm not going to issue some sort of ultimatum, I'm just going to decide that this is a waste of my time and ghost.

[–]Willow-girlTogether they built a farm they love 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If he doesn't put out by the second date I'm probably moving on. Just sayin'!

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I cannot tell if you’re serious or not. But damn y’all are savage out here

[–]Lift_and_LurkNo Pill 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

After you break up is a bad time to ask.

[–]CliffPR 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

3 dates or one month whichever comes first. Any longer and I will never believe it's comfort and not manipulation.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Why not? What if you’re splitting cost for some later dates or doing cheap stuff?

[–]CliffPR 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Makes no difference. If we're going on date after date with no escalation, regardless of who is paying, then it doesn't matter what she says. Actions speak louder.

[–]EaseNewFDS prodigy 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I only have sex inside of relationships. The men I date are more than welcome to wine and dine me with the exception of cheap sex because I’ll go home with free meals and gifts from my favorite places and they’ll go back home with their limp dick and money wasted. May the best man 🏆.

[–]SantarpiosPizza 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

3 months.

[–]Karmangerಡ ͜ ʖ ಡ Clown Pill 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

3 dates, any longer and I’d assume she’s using me.

What more do you need to know after 3 dates? By that time you’ve got a grasp on who that person is and how they operate.

Unless you’re sexting and talking about your turn ons before you sleep together (which people who wait more than a month rarely do), not sure what else you need to know to be comfortable.

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[–]anon018274031 9 points10 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

Seeing the comments on here makes me realise how I’m absolutely screwed when it comes to dating. 3 dates and I need to give up sex or men are just gonna assume I’m playing a game and leave.

Thanks for the daily reminder of why I’m single PPD 🫡

[–]GottaPSoBadNo Pill 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Devil's Advocate: Are 3 dates really not enough? Why not?

[–]anon018274031 4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

If I know the person beforehand so there is some trust and feeling of safety/able to relax, and importantly I trust that if they say they are interested in a relationship then they mean it- then sure I could see myself having sex with them by or at date 3. Certainly possible.

But a complete stranger I just wouldn’t feel ready. For me sex feels extremely intimate and vulnerable. I’m quite self conscious of my body and I get attached when I have sex so to have sex on the first few dates when the chances are they are gonna call it quits or they could be using me just sets myself up for a lot of upset.

Sounds kinda pathetic but I can’t help it. I’d rather be alone then fall for someone, have sex, and then have to deal with the aftermath when I realise that’s all they wanted.

[–]GottaPSoBadNo Pill 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I appreciate the honesty. There's a lot of baggage and bullshit people have to fight through on both sides. On the male side, to give you some perspective:

I'm expected to plan, prioritize, and pay. Plenty of people on both sides will quibble with that or say that I shouldn't simply accept all those societal expectations, but they're there. If I'm not planning the date (or at least trying to), I'm not putting in the effort and thus unworthy. If I'm not prioritizing you, or at least giving off the vibe that you're a priority, same thing (albeit to a lesser extent). And I have to pay. Yeah, yeah, I don't "have to," but then I'm playing the game wrong. I'm signalling, par some ideologies' thinking, that I can't pay (low status), or that the girl isn't worth it (low effort). Some early courtships, this isn't a deal breaker. Some, it absolutely is.

So imagine I've put my best foot forward for three consecutive meetups, we seem to be matched well, and you still leave me standing at the car. Maybe you don't even accept a little heavy petting, or swerve at a goodnight kiss. How's a guy supposed to feel in that scenario?

Again, it's all kinda relative and all kinda messed up on both sides.

[–]StrawbabyKitten 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lmaoooo. Hell no it’s not

[–]SliptheLust, Thrust, Bust and Dust 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

You can lead up to sex. You definitely need sexual tension by date 3.

If he can't tell whether or not you want to jump his bones by date 3, then I can see why it looks like a waste of time.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

But even the lead up requires vulnerability. I mean according to this sub, if a woman does something with one partner quickly, she needs to do it with all partners quickly or else she’s leading someone on and being manipulative.

But seriously. Sex is awkward and vulnerable. even girls that had hoe phases felt the same. I just need to be able to be comfortable so I can enjoy it. I used to do the deed so my partner wouldn’t feel bad. But that just made me confused thinking that I didn’t like sex. So for a while I didn’t have it, and met a guy who said he was fine waiting. He went on dates, got to know one another and when it happened, boy did it happen.

[–]anon018274031 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

This is why I wouldn’t let a man exclusively pay for dates. I’d feel like I owe him sex for hanging out with me and paying.

[–]CookiesForDinosaurs 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It kinda makes me laugh how this sub just attracts exactly those men that women who do not want to be pumped and dumbed should avoid. They all want sex by date 3 because if not that indicates she is not into me. None of them actually came here to say well she could show me somehow otherwise that she is into me like: kissing on the 3rd date, holding hands, telling me that she likes me and wants to wait with sex, or some other form of intimacy. All of those would resolve the issue that they claim. Yet to them the only indicator that she is into me is sex. Smells like they all have a secret agenda where they just want to manipulate women to have sex with them as fast (and efficient) as possible given the resources they invest. Funny how so many here also mention that they are seeing/having sex with other people while going on dates 1-3 with someone else. Yeah talk about contradiction right there.

Edit: someone going on dates 1-3 with you whilst fucking/seeing other people is not an indicator of serious dating. It is an indicator of numbers game and hooking up.

[–]anon018274031 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I have a decent libido so if I’m relaxed and find him attractive I certainly will feel the sexual tension, and I’m open to touch/kissing etc. I just can’t bring myself to actually have sex that fast.

I’m also pretty open, I will admit I’m a little shy and inexperienced (if he comes across as someone that won’t exploit that, and I’m interested and don’t want him to misconstrued my behaviour as lack of interest).

[–]SliptheLust, Thrust, Bust and Dust 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I just can’t bring myself to actually have sex that fast.

Why?

Is it the act of sex itself or is it the fear of slut shaming?

[–]throwaway316stunner 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I suppose it depends on how quickly the people in question connect as well as how often they see each other.

I’ve never been on a date, but I’m definitely wouldn’t fuck on the first date. Or the second. Maybe the third…? Again, depends on how quickly and how good of a connection we would create.

[–]grlq 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Oral or anal?

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Definitely no anal….but I’d do other stuff once I got to that level to show him I did have sexual interest. But I’m also cool with him getting sex elsewhere while I wait.

[–]grlq 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wait about 6 months usually but I get infatuated really easily. If they don’t make it past 6 months, I know I was just “in like” with the idea my mentally ill brain made up of them in my head. But after 3, I’ll give them oral or do anal. I don’t count those as apart of my “number”.

[–]Danielwols 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

My advice is in 2 parts 1: do you want it and does/do the other party/parties want it and are you compatible kink and such wise yes? Move to 2: go somewhere where you all/both feels safe to do so and if at any point anyone stops feeling comfortable with it stop it

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh yeah, I’m definitely kink friendly. And I’ve noticed that kinky guys are much much better with boundaries. But I still need to wait. The waiting is what helps me get comfortable because I have time to learn. I can want it all day and night, if my dumb brain can’t be coaxed into feeling comfortable I’m not going to enjoy it

[–]Danielwols 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If the guy loses interest completely it is too late for that moment but you can keep in contact if you trust him enough

[–]Anykindofland 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The length is not important, whats important is the communication. Being open why you want to wait is crucial so you don't leave the other person guessing whats going on. If you need a few weeks before you are comfortable with sex, say so. If the other person dumps you because of this, you were not compatible anyway.

[–]WOPR-1983 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

The Viagra wears off in 4 hours.

[–]UncomfortableTruthslNo Pill 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I posted something similar lol

[–]Honest_Report_8515 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

It works both ways.

[–]Zuck7980Purple Pill Man 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

10 dates max

[–]Various_Abies_6099 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would wait as long as I knew it was her testing to see if I kept up a fake fasade, and not because she's contemplating whether she's attracted to me or not.

Usually it shouldn't be longer than 3 months (adults).

[–]The3rdGodKing 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

How rich are you?

[–]neolib-cowboy 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Depends on the woman. If she is just seeing you, I could wait for a few months, if she is actively talking to other men and/or gave it up easily before, then I won't wait for a long time, because its not okay imo that I have to wait, while she didn't make others wait. But if I see a fair standard applied, I am game, especially if she seems like a really good person

[–]RRBeachFG2 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If both people are willing to wait in order to feel comfortable than they will wait.

[–]FocusLeather 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This depends on if we’re dating exclusively or not and I know that we are…if we’re dating exclusively…the longest I’ll wait is 3 months before I move on, if we’re not dating exclusively…I’m not waiting. I’m going to be having sex with other women while I wait. What’s the point in making me wait if we’re not going to be serious?

[–]5x69fq29d0f6m33k17b0 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

This is a matter of individual preferences and boundaries. The answer will be different for each individual.

[–]HazyMemory7 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Like, more than 4 or 5 dates. I'd say within a month of talking if you aren't doing anything sexual you should start to seriously question whether or not a woman is genuinely attracted to you or just using you as a wallet.

[–]gobblegoobleoneofus 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

i don't mind not having sex if we do other hook up stuff. hand and mouth stuff is good enough for me.

[–]thedeadpillJaded Misanthropic Data-Peddler 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't really care how quickly or not that they slept with other people. I care whether they're compatible with me. I like sex, early and often, and if it isn't supplied, I move on. I think of it as a mismatch. It doesn't much matter if sex is ultra-special to them or if they're playing a mindgame; both those things are incompatibilities.

[–]Ohms2North 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

An hour

[–]SteveSan82 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

You should be having sex on the first date unless she is a virgin.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

So after every date she’s supposed to Immediately putout?

[–]SteveSan82 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

If she wants to be taken seriously.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] -1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

How does that compute in your mind? Do you think women that have sex with lots of men are sluts?

[–]SteveSan82 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

If a woman actually likes you, she isn’t going to make you wait. If she makes you wait then she put you in the beta bucks or simp category.

[–]ManWazoA poly Chad 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Third date is too long.

[–]Catherine772023 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

So many women want to wait 90 days that I don’t think it’s too long if you can be ok waiting that long and it gives you a chance to focus on getting to know her. If everything else is going great that’s a sign of enthusiasm so you’ll probably get good sex when you get it if not the first time but after a few (you could get lucky the first time). Be patient and if you end up in an LTR you will have good sex with her regularly. And you will have an emotional connection, which can make it more enjoyable. If you really like her u should be willing to wait. But I think doing something else (eg kissing or making out) in that time can be a good idea to enjoy the attraction and sexy suspense first.

You don’t know if she slept with other guys fast but focus on what is good now more than her past.

[–]Dougthepubpiano 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Any more than one minute is too long

[–]Pacman124 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Depends on her history. I'm a virgin (not by choice), so for me, sex or no sex won't change much. I can wait if it makes her more comfortable.

However, if she used to have sex left and right in the past but wants to wait with me, I'm not going to compromise on that. I'll assume she is not physically attracted to me and probably leave. I'll probably never get into a relationship with a high-n count woman anyway as there's too big of a difference in experience which doesn't motivate me to find some vibe in such a relationship

If it's someone who had only sex in her relationships and treated her exes just like she's doing me now, I'm fine too.

A virgin (best case scenario for me), we would just go with the flow. I wouldn't have to worry about anything

[–]Joodz 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

3 dates, anymore you are being fucked around

[–]Conscious_Ad_6572 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Really depends if she got valid excuse then okay

[–]Barely-moralRed leaning purple-seal. Diagnosed ASPD 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy Link

So, how long is too long? If you’re dating someone new, and she said she wanted to wait, would you put a time limit on how long you’re waiting? Especially if everything else is going great?

As long as her previous partners got to wait and no more.

ETA: I wanted to add that in this scenario the waiting is not because of a mindgame or manipulation: it’s for comfort/compatibility. Some people need to know and connect with someone before they can enjoy having sex with them.

Same answer. If she got comfortable with anyone in her past in X amount of time and I can't get her to be comfortable in said time then I don't see a reason to pursue that relationship.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy Link

So, when you take one woman on an expensive first date should you have to take every woman you date after on an expensive first date?

[–]Barely-moralRed leaning purple-seal. Diagnosed ASPD 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy Link

Yes. Anything my previous partners got, my next partner gets as base treatment. Any change must be for the better from my partner's perspective, not mine. I can do things better, grander, earlier, expecting less in return. That is the only direction I can change in.

[–]anonymous-platypus1[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

How the hell does she know that though? How do you know if she hooked up with someone before? Also, y’all are failing to distinguish between dating behaviors and casual behaviors. For casual she probably never wanted to see that man again. And her last ons could have been years ago. What’s the cutoff point?

[–]Barely-moralRed leaning purple-seal. Diagnosed ASPD 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

How the hell does she know that though?

She can ask. I will tell the truth.

How do you know if she hooked up with someone before?

I hire a PI.

Also, y’all are failing to distinguish between dating behaviors and casual behaviors.

I don't make a distinction. On purpose.

For casual she probably never wanted to see that man again.

If she is willing to give more/better for less to a man she will never want to see again instead of giving her best to the man she wants as partner then I lose interest in her.

And her last ons could have been years ago. What’s the cutoff point?

Anything she did before turning 18 does not exist. Anything after that is taken into consideration.

[–]Electrical-Elk9058 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

For men at least:

Did she make you wait 2 months but fucked a guy raw in the clubs bathroom without knowing his name? Dump her

How can I know if she did that?

You cant

[–]dbz19_kai 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’M AFRAID IT’S BEEN…. 9 YEARS

[–]ahillbilly97 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

If her panties don’t drop when she sees me I don’t want it

[–]kevkaneki 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Third date. My logic for this is simple. I’m a busy man, I have time for maybe one date per weekend. That means if I take a woman out 3 times, at a bare minimum we’ve been talking for almost a month, and in practice it’s usually longer because when you’re casually dating you probably aren’t going to go on dates with the same woman 3 weekends in a row. That means we’ve been talking for a month or a month and a half. That’s plenty of time for us to get to know each other and feel comfortable.

[–]StacksFifthAver/blackpeoplepilldebate 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My general thought is 30-45 days after the first date or first date-esque time spent together. I think that’s honestly way more than enough reasonable enough time to assess whether or not she wants to fuck and is just waiting for the comfort factor to kick in or if I’m just wasting my time.

I say that amount of time simply because life can happen, we both responsibilities, maybe she has an important project at work that’s zapping her of her lust for life at the moment, or had a death in the family and doesn’t want to dive deeper into a new relationship while grieving, or maybe there was a business or long awaited family trip, etc; I don’t know, lol.

Personally I think in most situations the man should fall back after the second date with no play and allow her to bring the interest forth next while being comfortable with the propensity for the two of them to fall off if she doesn’t, but every once in a while you meet someone you think may be special or start dating someone you know who is special to you, and maybe in those circumstances should the man be willing to take an early loss to win bigger later.

[–]LiterallyJustDev 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Assuming y’all see each other on a consistent basis, maybe 1-2 times a week, and text often, I’d say anything past 3-4 months she isn’t too attracted to you man. Women know within maybe 2-3 weeks of meeting a new guy if she can see herself fucking you, for whatever reasons. 1-2 months in, she’ll know if she WANTS to fuck you or not. There’s a difference in the two. If you know what it’s like to have a woman crave you physically and mentally, you’ll be able to pick up when they are/aren’t feeling you that way. I respect celibacy, don’t get it twisted. But there’s a difference between that and just stringing the guy along while holding out .

[–]The_Entertainer217 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

To my mind, we aren’t in a monogamous relationship until we’ve had sex, after that we can discuss if we want to become exclusive or not so it doesn’t really matter.

[–]Cultist902 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I dated a gal for almost a year and she wouldn’t sleep with me for most of that year. She would tell me all about the several guys she was with in the past but would keep me at arms length most of the time.

We would make out and she’d take her clothes off, but when it came to going further she’d get mad at me and then she’d eventually start talking about her past experiences with whichever guy she was with before.

I told her how I felt and she was genuinely surprised. I mean really?! How would anyone else feel in my shoes? Eventually we did have sex but it was awful. The second and last time she glared at me and told me to hurry up.

I just stopped, got dressed, and told her to get the fuck out of my house

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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