If all good people are "taken" by their 20s and 30s, why do so many relationships that start early tend to fail?

cowfishAreReal · 2022-10-03T04:23:19+00:00

https://ifstudies.org/blog/want-to-avoid-divorce-wait-to-get-married-but-not-too-long

Technically the lowest failure rate for relationships is for people who get married between mid 20s to early 30s with people younger or older than that having larger divorce rates. And considering that people are usually dating for a few years and engaged for one more before getting married then yeah most people who are going to end up in successful marriages are taken at their 20s and 30s

prizefighterstudent · 2022-10-03T03:29:00+00:00

I've heard here that if you are in your early 20s and 30s and you are still not taken

Not sure who's telling you this. People peak at different times, life is a rollercoaster. For all the shit that RP peddles, there's some truth to how men peak a bit later -- know quite a few dudes who just start hitting their stride 25-27.

Same with women. A bunch of women I've known / dated really came into their own around 26-29. They're more sure of themselves, have their makeup and body right after making tweaks, enjoying their careers.

Katatonicsnake · 2022-10-03T07:52:27+00:00

If they were together for 10-20 years, how is that a failure? Their relationships probably end because they were mismatched or because a 20 year-old is often a very different person than a 30 year-old. Sometimes you get lucky and the relationship lasts longer, sometimes you get lucky and get to experience other relationships as well.

I know some couples who started dating young, and broke up after a long relationship. Most of them break up in peace and understanding, carry their shared duties with dignity, and carry on with their lives without drama.

Creation_Soul · 2022-10-03T09:02:28+00:00

The main issue isn't that relationship oriented people (AKA "all good people) never break up, but that when they do there is a very small window of opportunity where you can find them.

From my own experience, relationship oriented people do couple up early (usually during college) so you basically have to be near them during that period to enter a relationship with them.

Same when/if they do break up. I know a few women who were in relationships of 3+ years that ended. For about 6 months they weren't interested in dating, but once they were interested in dating again, they found someone within 2 months.

A close (female) friend of mine has the following relationship history: had a boyfriend in highschool but they split 6 months into going to college, then she was single 1 year, then entered a relationship for 4 years, single again for 8 months (6 of which she wasn't looking for someone else) then again in a relationship to this day. Basically, your (realistic) window of meeting here, was 1 year in college and about 2 months after the break-up, while being in her social circle at the exact right time.

neutralhumanbody · 2022-10-03T04:10:45+00:00

Getting your information through this subreddit is the first problem.

I would recommend looking to real life couples, where they start at different life stages and ages all the time. Some people meet at 23 and are happy forever, some people meet at 60 and are happy forever.

Typically, younger people (25 and under) are not as developed or know themselves well enough to sustain healthy relationships. When I was 21 years old, I truly never thought I would get married and looked for all the wrong things in people and was very emotionally underdeveloped. Now, I’m 26 and married. I now have a very complete idea of what I want for my life, and that’s only a 5 year difference.

throw77498 · 2022-10-03T04:27:45+00:00

People hopp in and out of relationships, you gotta nail the timing which is mostly luck and uncontrollable for the most part.

But who told you it's over if you're not taken BY THE TIME YOU'RE IN YOUR EARLY 20'S?

That's the time you wanna experience all sorts of relationships and casual sed, not necessarily marriage... Have fun in early 20's then look for someone more long term in your mid 20's. If you're not taken by 35, that can be alarming tho

JosieSandie · 2022-10-03T04:36:39+00:00

You’re talking to a bunch of tell me the odds types who want to game human relationships and persons in a STEM way. Meanwhile, those who ignore the odds and go for their dreams are busy living life.

JoeRMD77 · 2022-10-03T03:54:34+00:00

A lot of couples get together in high school and then 10 years later they're totally different people after they've actually matured. I've had successful guy friends dump girls who were going nowhere and vice-versa.

You see this a lot now with the smart girl who got with the jock in high school and the jock has a beer belly by 30 and is still sitting on the couch playing video games while his woman is on a career path. JP mentioned that scenario exactly.

A sure fire away to lose your partner is by not keeping up with them in life and a lot of men get lazy because women will pull all the weight for a while but not forever.

Decent_Foundation_62 · 2022-10-03T08:48:27+00:00

Define early and define who. IRC the most successful marriages now are basically university educated people who marry mid to late 20s after meeting in university or just after university. Also, I reckon more or less it comes down to whether or not you have mental health issues / childhood trauma and what you've done to deal with it. If you drill down into the numbers for successful marriages between university educated people it's much more likely to be successful when both partners are from UMC families that didn't come out of young adulthood with severe mental health issues and / or dealt with them prior to entering a serious relationship.

Pre-22 marriages: high chance of failure

Mid 30s marriage between two people with crappy careers, life skills, and unresolved mental health issues / childhood trauma: high chance of failure

Late 30s marriage between two people with now-good life skills, and alot of work into resolving mental health problems and childhood trauma: reasonable chance of success?

jjlew922 · 2022-10-03T04:26:40+00:00

Cause we all get married with the best of intentions and quite frankly people are stupid and do stupid things. Sometimes you can work thru them, but sometime the infidelity is too much, too difficult to get over. Sexual, emotional or financial infidelity can break a marriage, especially when kids are invoked.

Freevoulous · 2022-10-03T10:48:23+00:00

because MOST people suck at relationships, and "good people" (for relationships) are less than 50% of the population, and obviously they don't always pair up with another "good" person.

begrydgerer · 2022-10-03T11:01:51+00:00

Some ppl are just hard wired to be in long term relationships, they're about finding someone and making it work rather than 'upgrading' as they go through life changes. So these ppl I described will succeed whether they start dating at 20 or 40.

I'd say the most likely to fail are pp who have been in many 1-2 years relationships, it would show this person might have problems forming meaningful connections.

2022-10-03T12:11:34+00:00

A lot of people hang their hats on the “best available option” when they’re in their early 20s and end up marrying someone that isn’t actually good for them. Plus people change so much between 20-30.

poppy_blu · 2022-10-03T04:10:59+00:00

About single motherhood, there's two factors; first women want to settle with what they define as a high value men, those men end up with a high supply of possible partners so he can just cum and dump at will; second factor, because of media female empowerment, cuckoo father propaganda and government handouts most young mother's think they can realistically rise a child alone (they can't is fucking hard even at two).

Those relationships were never in any chance, shape or form going to not meet failure; as commitment was unilateral.

On common relationship, women have too much of options so they can just hop when they want, simps destroyed the dating market.

On marriage relationships, there's no reason for a women to keep married (70% of filled divorces are by women) as the justice system heavily favour them on top of having more possible partners (unless she hit the wall).

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gate18 · 2022-10-03T04:27:21+00:00

Because it's not true!

Absolutist language kind of gives it away

Besides, the fact that many relationships that start early tend to fail means that those "good people" are back in the market.

ViolentTakeByForce · 2022-10-03T04:17:35+00:00

1) people change, normally there is one who is more driven than the other.

2) complacency, especially from women from what I’ve seen, after having children.

3) killing individual independence. Lives revolving around each other and no individual identity. Doesn’t mean you need to party or do stupid shit, but you need hobbies and a circle of same sex, like minded individuals that make you feel like you aren’t melding into nothingness and losing yourself.

4) loss of shape, fitness, and caring about how you look(plays into complacency). This applies to men and women but I think more often women believe they deserve a free pass because “love”. That’s why you all lie to yourselves saying you are 10’s when you look like Quasimodo and weigh 400 lbs.

5) dead bedrooms and thinking that marriage can survive without sexual intimacy. If you deny your man sex, he will only take it for so long. Women get too distracted and let sex fall to the bottom of the list priority wise. If your man is attractive and successful, just going to straight up tell you, you are a moron for doing this. The competition is waiting for you to fail and fuck him.

6) women thinking their man cheating is the be all end all. If you believe the studies and look at history, there’s a better than 40% chance that your man will cheat. Women are catching up and only a small % off. Men are not made to be monogamous and the ones that don’t have women going after them, are because they aren’t desirable. If your man only sometimes gets DMs from real females(not bots), chances are in the real world he has a lot of opportunities to cheat. If he is taking care of you and the family, and not promising marriage to these women, leave it alone. Otherwise empty his balls, show him you desire him and initiate more often than never. That will at least make him think twice.

This is why I see young marriages fail.

Laytheblameonluck · 2022-10-03T04:41:31+00:00

Because women get hoe-phase FOMO and initiate divorces over it.

John_Oakman · 2022-10-03T04:28:54+00:00

Most of the other people were also taken, until they're untaken...

MotleyCrew1989 · 2022-10-03T05:15:39+00:00

Because at that age you dont apreciate what you have.

Nihi1986 · 2022-10-03T05:37:37+00:00

It's true that they are taken, even if they became singles for a while after divorce, the good one are taken 🤷

Apprehensive_Cut_146 · 2022-10-03T10:02:26+00:00

People peak at different times

No, people, regardless of gender, peak in the mid 20s - early 30s range

YaKnowEstacado · 2022-10-03T12:54:22+00:00

I don't really see the contradiction here. Just because people are taken, it doesn't mean those relationships are going to last forever. It just means that if you're still single you're going to have fewer options, and eventually your dating pool is going to consist mostly of people who have been divorced or exited a serious long term relationship.

Also, the high divorce rates are people who marry in their early 20s. People who meet in their early 20s, date for a few years and marry in their late 20s are much more likely to stay together.

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-10-03T12:55:38+00:00

According to the actual studies I’ve seen, people who marry in their late 20s to early 30s have the best chance of a lasting marriage. Younger and you are liable to change too drastically, older and you might be someone who is a bit picky or difficult to live with. Common sense.

That being said, there is no right or wrong age. The right time to marry is when you are with someone you truly want to marry. If you’re really young, just hold off a few years to make sure you still do. And I understand that if you’re a woman and biological children are important to you, you may feel rushed. But you will 100% regret having kids with the wrong man.

anjovis150 · 2022-10-03T13:26:22+00:00

People change.

gofigure62 · 2022-10-03T13:27:45+00:00

Most people don't fully mature until their mid 20s or early 30s. Entering into a "Serious" relationship while one's brain and world view is typically a disaster because how much change occurs once they're fully developed. And often times, having children/getting married young also can keep a person in a suspended state of adolescence if they've never had to take care of themselves or mentally/emotionally grow. Typically a situation arises where they skirt important responsibilities onto the partner that is more responsible and just takes over the role because it needs to get done.

For example, some men who go from being taken care of by their mothers, then immediately taken care of by their wives, never learn how to clean up after themselves or keep a home.

or women who go from being taken care of by their parent or parent, then immediately taken care of by their husbands, and never get educated or get a job.

or men and women who have children young and never develop any emotional regulation skills/coping mechanisms because their time/attention is on the survival and care of their child.

RocinanteCoffee · 2022-10-03T14:12:12+00:00

The brain isn't fully formed until you are at least 25, so people who start relationships with someone before they are that age might be a wildly different person after 25. That can make a previously utterly compatible relationship fall apart.

Also infidelity, while rare (80% of men never cheat and 87% of women never cheat), that's still around 1 out of 5 people who cheat on their exclusive gf/bf or their spouse. A lot of relationships cannot come back from infidelity, regardless of how 'great' the relationship was before.

We also need to wait a few decades for newer studies to see how the Zoomer generation marriages do.

Most divorces today are from the boomer generation and generation X. They also come from decades where there was a lot more pressure to get married even if you didn't want to, leading to people getting into a marriage with someone they were forced to be with, particularly if a woman got pregnant.

Final_Philosopher663 · 2022-10-03T14:54:00+00:00

Some of the people who have long relationships early or marry early can have doubts if they made the best choice. And progressing in life on early 20's the differences of each partners path are getting bigger and bigger so that could be a factor as well.

ruboyuri · 2022-10-03T15:00:34+00:00

Immaturity, exploitation, poverty

risdeveau · 2022-10-03T17:31:20+00:00

If you think logically about it even a little bit, the answer will come to you, I promise

Or, just socialize with some 18-20 year olds

darkvalleys · 2022-10-03T17:49:36+00:00

There’s a big difference between 20 and 39

Can you guess what it is?

EugeneCezanne · 2022-10-03T21:44:22+00:00

Dating is about dynamics and dynamics change. It isn't just about picking a good one. It's about how you are together, over time, throughout whatever life throws at you.

Additionally, I don't think it's healthy to view relationships that end as "failing." Ending is natural, often even constructive. It's only the socially constructed notion that they should be for life that has us all worked up about them.

Deep_thots_9000 · 2022-10-04T01:20:37+00:00

Early 20s? Nah.

Early 30s? Every woman I know at that age whose single, you can see it weighing on them.

2022-10-04T01:35:45+00:00

Because 101% of all people are not good people 60% of the time all the time.

toasterchild · 2022-10-04T01:48:52+00:00

It's not that you're unsalvageable, you'll just have less quality people to pick from. When relationships end decent partners will become available but probably not for too long.

Liberated_Asexual · 2022-10-04T02:34:14+00:00

Because lifelong monogamy is a fictional construct.

washington_breadstix · 2022-10-04T07:47:21+00:00

There seems to be kind of a "Goldilocks Zone" from like 26-32 or so (and the exact range probably fluctuates depending on region, culture, etc.), where people have had enough experience to know what else is out there, but aren't so old that they've aged out of the game entirely / are stuck with all the rejects.

Relationships that start really early in life tend to fail because people change a lot in their late teens and early 20s. I think the amount of change that the average person undergoes per year of their life begins to gradually taper off after college. So that's the "sweet spot" – when you've essentially figured out who you are, and won't be unrecognizable in 2 years, but you're still young and hot enough to attract the person you want.

WilliamWyattD · 2022-10-04T10:12:07+00:00

It's not exactly about when you marry. Rather, it is about how you view marriage. Increasingly, marriage is just a thing you do after a while, but the romantic relationship is the thing. You want romance and a soul mate; but to many people, romance is essentially just erotic thrills all dressed up.

So as relationships become increasingly about maximizing the erotic, naturally they tend to fail over time as eros needs mystery and novelty to really thrive. And if you are focused on eros and romance, then if you marry young you will divorce young too, since it is just about adding the shelf life of any such relationship on to the marriage date.

Psych_FI · 2022-10-04T11:19:07+00:00

I think you should be careful taking generalised statistics and data then applying it to yourself. Some get married young and it workouts the main point is the statistical probability is lower.

I’d rather stay single than marry someone that’s a horrible fit for me and divorce later or end up in an abusive relationship.

Title	If all good people are "taken" by their 20s and 30s, why do so many relationships that start early tend to fail?
Author	sadbitch55
Upvotes	46
Comments	82
Date	October 3, 2022 3:23 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/xu86f4/if_all_good_people_are_taken_by_their_20s_and_30s/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/if-all-good-people-are-taken-by-their-20s-and-30s.1135308 https://theredarchive.com/post/1135308