Last Names

shoup88 · 2016-10-14T14:52:42+00:00

I will not change my name. It's important to me that we enter our marriage as an equal partnership - if one of us gives up part of our identity right off the bat, that would seem wrong to me. We've been together for almost ten years, and marriage isn't even particularly important to me. I'd be just as happy staying as we are now - cohabitating, committed common law relationship.

Also, I love my name. It's part of who I am.

My fiance is okay with it, as long as the kids have his name. I'm fine with that. My mom and I don't have the same last name and we never felt like less of a family for it.

prodigy2throw · 2016-10-14T15:02:57+00:00

Did/will you take your (future) husband's last name?

i didn't.

If no, why?

it just seemed weird, you know? and it didn't affect our married status one bit; i wouldn't have wanted to get married if our relationship was feeble enough to be broken by something like that. i also guess i didn't like the idea of a name being chosen for me... and when it comes down to it, if you ask men that think it's important to take names 'for family'... most of them probably wouldn't take their wife's name, and would be offended at even the suggestion (all the while demanding that someone else take their name). if we ever had children, their names would be hyphenated, but i just don't see any reason to take his name.

FWIW, i no longer go by my birth/family name either, and he and i don't even have matching wedding rings. we may be a little bit unconventional, in some ways.

sublimemongrel · 2016-10-14T14:53:07+00:00

I haven't yet taken my husband's last name and it's been three years. Why? Because I don't like the way it sounds and I already had a reputation in my industry under my maiden name. When we have kids the name is changing because I want to have the same name as my future children.

I'll probably change it sooner than that just to surprise him. Honestly, it's never caused any issues in our marriage but I know he'd prefer it so I should probably just do it and stop being lazy about it.

philomexa · 2016-10-14T15:07:32+00:00

Not a feminist, didn't take my husbands last name because I'm lazy as fuck. However our son does have his last name.

Maybe I'll change it when I have a day off to visit 3 different gov't agencies, or maybe if they streamline the process so I can just do this shit online. Until then legally I have my maiden name, people know us under his name, and ultimately no one gives a shit besides busybody terps terrified of spooky feminist specters.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2016-10-14T15:05:13+00:00

It was absolutely a deal breaker for my h. The sole reason I was a tiny bit hesitant was my professional license and all my signs, cards, etc, not any feminist vaporings or ideology. While that made it a giant expensive hassle I'm so glad I did it.

wynterpetals · 2016-10-14T17:16:18+00:00

I will keep mine for professional and personal reasons. Professional because all of my publications are tied to my last name. Personal because I am my parent's only child and they want me to continue their legacy.

Kids would be hyphenated. Why should I as a woman lose my legacy?

ozymandias271 · 2016-10-14T17:22:08+00:00

My husband took my last name because my last name is more metal than his, and because it was helpful to him to have a clean Internet history (he's considering going into politics).

ETA: After reading through this thread, my mind is boggled by the number of men who don't like their last names and women who feel a connection to their surnames but who don't seem to even think of the possibility of a husband taking his wife's last name.

Sandralees · 2016-10-14T14:51:30+00:00

Woman here. I don't care either way. It's just a name; it's not important. I am in a (long) LTR and use my partner's name because it is shorter and easier to remember than mine.

HigHog · 2016-10-14T14:54:52+00:00

[deleted]

What is this?

[deleted] · 2016-10-14T15:45:46+00:00

One of the ways you can fairly easily spot a feminist is a woman who keeps her maiden name after marriage.

Disagree. My mum kept her name after marrying my dad and she definitely isn't a supporter of what passes for feminism these days.

Do you want/expect your partner to take your last name?

Literally do not care. Even if I wanted marriage, if anything I'd like if either we kept our own names or we came up with a new one to share. Would be a bit more apprehensive about taking hers because of the way that's viewed in society. But I don't like my last name, have no real attachment to it, and don't care about it being "passed on." Even considered legally changing it myself a few times, still might.

In what circumstances would you be okay with that not occurring?

All of them.

Would you want your children to have your last name?

Hypothetically if I wanted kids, no, for the reasons I listed above.

lady_baker · 2016-10-14T16:18:13+00:00

I took his name. If I ever remarried, I would take that man's name, also.

Now my husband is very blue pill. Very laid back, also, not at all heavy handed with authority. So when we were engaged and I said I wanted to keep my maiden name, I was shocked when he got all crazy eyed and said NO. You take my name.

He got some respect for that, and I'm certainly glad now that I've reddened and have had kids.

sleepyheadp · 2016-10-14T16:28:23+00:00

Woman here. Took my husbands last name, but am a feminist.

Main reason for taking his name was because I'm not really close with my family and its a spanish last name, and I don't speak fluent spanish. So now I don't get the damn mail in spanish and its great. I do miss it sometimes because it had a dramatic flair to it, but I already made the change and that was a pain in the ass.

I know of a lot of women who don't take their husbands last names, and when they have kids the kids take the husband last name or have both last names hyphenated. In one case they gave their child a completely new last name. And these are from demographics all over the place (Indian couple, Canadian couple, American couple).

So yah, its not really as unusual as one might think. shrug

prodigy2throw · 2016-10-14T15:09:12+00:00

I would expect my wife to take my last name, at the very least in name. I get that changing your legal name might be time consuming but I'm not with the hyphenated shit or her keeping her last name. Although I would probably still expect her to change it eventually.

Now, if I had a fucked up last name, like Fagg or Butt, I would probably be cool with my wife keeping her maiden name and maybe I would even consider changing mine to hers.

Another possible scenario is if I married a white woman (I'm not). I'd probably have my kids take her English last name. I already plan on giving my (possible) future kids "white" names anyways.

[deleted] · 2016-10-14T15:19:02+00:00

Yes I wouldn't want it any other way. If he didn't expect that I take his name I'd find that concerning. Also would be a dealbreaker if he didn't want to marry or me take his name.

AliceOxalis · 2016-10-14T14:47:21+00:00

Men: Do you want/expect your partner to take your last name?

Absolutely.

In what circumstances would you be okay with that not occurring?

None. It would be a deal breaker if she wasn't willing.

Would you want your children to have your last name?

Absolutely

wuboo · 2016-10-14T18:05:27+00:00

I'm not attached to names. I don't really care either way and I have a hard time understanding people that do. Are you royalty? Are you the last of your name? No, then who cares.

AliceOxalis · 2016-10-14T14:59:15+00:00

I fully intend on taking my husbands name when I marry but the idea that you guys think women are going to change names for their boyfriend with no marriage is literally hilarious to me

ThirdEyeSqueegeed · 2016-10-14T15:01:16+00:00

Don't care. Kids can have double-barrel names.

cxj · 2016-10-14T16:56:22+00:00

Do you want/expect your partner to take your last name?

There isn't much rational reason for me to care about this, but in spite of it, I do. It's one of the emotionally appealing/satisfying things about marriage, like after we've consummated the marriage I can be like "now ur Mrs cxj, and you're all mine now <3" The thing is, for me to be emotionally invested in a marriage, I would have to believe the girl wanted to marry me (not just be married), and part of that would be her wanting to take my last name of her own accord.

In what circumstances would you be okay with that not occurring?

Frankly, there are practical reasons for not doing it, as OP mentioned involving the state in your relationship is terrifying and oppressive (srs). Also, I have a hyphenated last name which really throws a wrench in things, and requires a serious evaluation of which name I would change because I'm sure as fuck not inflicting two names on my hypothetical wife. TBH, all this hassle is just yet another obstacle to getting married, which is an event likely to not occur in my life at this point given circumstances.

Would you want your children to have your last name?

LOL of fucking course, is this even a srs question?

GoldPilot · 2016-10-14T17:31:29+00:00

I'd want it, sure. But I wouldn't expect it, and her declining to have her name altered isn't a deal-breaker.

I do want my children to share my last name. Not sure how that would work, if she kept her last name. I think you'd do a hyphen and add both names, like the kid's last name is a law firm.

Entropy-7 · 2016-10-14T18:00:11+00:00

I live in China and the practice is that women keep their name after marriage but the kids take their father's name.

damaskrose · 2016-10-14T18:14:47+00:00

I didn't.
I don't like his last name.
I didn't see any good reason to change it.
I've always thought it causes unnecessary confusion when other people do it.
Equality didn't have much to do with it, he offered for both of us to do hyphenated names and I declined that as well.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2016-10-14T18:27:02+00:00

Maybe I will hyphenate it. I will never want to lose my last name. It's part of my identity.

[deleted] · 2016-10-14T19:50:55+00:00

[permanently deleted]

shoup88 · 2016-10-14T15:02:22+00:00

Red Pill man here.

Yes, a woman not taking my last name is a dealbreaker. It is, because a woman not taking my last name indicates her attitude toward marriage, and more specifically toward marriage to me. It indicates an attitude that she doesn't really want to be with me. She has one foot out the door of the marriage. She is ready to leave at a moment's notice. She doesn't want to follow my lead. She doesn't consider herself part of a larger whole (the marriage); she considers herself a separate entity. She doesn't even really consider herself married or joined to a man.

She is ashamed and embarrassed to be with me and to have my last name. She doesn't want the world to know she is married to me. She doesn't want to hold herself out to the world as a married woman. She doesn't want to represent herself and make clear to the world (and to other men) that she is a married woman and is no longer available for dating or random sex.

EDIT: If she has a right to expect me to not fuck other women and to have exclusive access to my money and resources, then I have a right to expect her to adopt external indicia of marriage, including her taking my last name and her holding herself out to the world as married, and her making clear to other men that she is not available for dating or random sex. I have the right to expect AT LEAST that much. End edit

I would not ever under any circumstances be OK with a wife not taking my last name. I am married and my wife has and uses my last name, and has since we were married. I don't ever plan on remarrying again if this one ends, so it's moot to me.

My children have my last name. I wanted them to have my last name and would not have been OK at all with them having any other last name. If I'm responsible for them and have to write the goddamn checks to support them, then my last name is good enough for them.

sublimemongrel · 2016-10-14T15:00:39+00:00

I did not take Mr. Arthur's name. There were a number of reasons for that decision, none of which are anybody's business except for his and mine. I honestly don't understand why anybody else would think they get a say, but they do. They do.

Long experience has taught me that this is a subject even more fraught than sex, which I also do not discuss online apart from acknowledging the fact that I have engaged in it, as witnessed by the existence of our three children.

GaiusScaevolus · 2016-10-14T14:45:02+00:00

For my part, I'd be okay with my 'wife' not taking my last name if and only if it was a non-legal marriage. Ideally, I'd want her to change her last name, but fair's fair.

However, any children I have will have my last name if I have absolutely any influence over the matter.

GaiusScaevolus · 2016-10-14T14:58:29+00:00

I considered keeping my maiden name because I like it, and I wanted to honor my father, since he's so important to me. However, my husband wanted me to take his name, and I figured, if you're going to play for the team might as well wear the jersey. I never considered hyphenating.

anitapk · 2016-10-14T14:59:30+00:00

I wish it was still In use to change Last name after marriage here. I'd love to take on my man's last name without it taking too much work.

[deleted] · 2016-10-14T17:33:51+00:00

[permanently deleted]

BluePiller1776 · 2016-10-14T15:53:34+00:00

Do you want/expect your partner to take your last name?

I honestly dont care either way

In what circumstances would you be okay with that not occurring?

Again, dont care

Would you want your children to have your last name?

Still doesnt matter one bit to me

shogunofsarcasm · 2016-10-14T15:59:19+00:00

I will take my boyfriends name when we get married, partially because it is nice to share a name with someone you love and partially because putting a hyphen between the two names would be ridiculous. I am also not attached to my last name. However, it is actually illegal where I live, so it wouldn't be official unless we move.

A friend of mine actually just got married and she chose the hyphen because she loves her last name and wants to share his. I totally get this and I find that it is becoming more common.

As for me being a feminist I think it should be the woman's choice to pick which name she prefers. That is it.

SkentyDooBabble · 2016-10-14T16:23:05+00:00

I'd expect her to take my name, but pretty much only out of convention. I'm not super fond of my last name and I've toyed with the idea of making one up, or changing the spelling at least

MindTheFuture · 2016-10-14T16:23:05+00:00

Having sisters it is on me to to continue the lineage. Changing the surname is a woderful gesture, and while I could live without wife changing hers, I'm adamant that the kids have mine.

But, I would be willing to change my surname in an old-fashioned marriage for title, land and business.

[deleted] · 2016-10-14T16:54:04+00:00

I'm not a feminist, and I also don't want to get married, but I would keep my own last name. It's really only common in Anglo culture for the woman to change the last name. It is not common in many parts of the world.

I like my name, I built a career with my name, and I don't want kids, so I don't see the point of changing it. I would absolutely understand a man not wanting to marry me if I wouldn't change my last name, but then we wouldn't be compatible anyway.

TW_CountryMusic · 2016-10-14T16:54:24+00:00

I plan on taking his name just for the simplicity of it. It's not a hill I want to die on and I don't want people asking for the rest of my life why I didn't take his name, or making assumptions about me like the ones you see in this thread.

Plus, his name is cool, and it's dying out. My name is lame and literally one of the most common in the world. I don't feel any particular attachment to it, my father or his family, so it's not a big deal for me to give it up.

Truecelacct · 2016-10-14T17:16:46+00:00

I'm not sure where you're from, but where I live (Texas USA) most women don't change their names when they get married. It's not a "feminist" thing, it's just an outdated practice.

But to be fair, I'm a professional and a lot of people won't change their name if they are already established in their career.

I won't change mine because... why would I? He can take my last name if he wants but my last name is unique and I like it :)

[deleted] · 2016-10-14T20:34:36+00:00

I didn't take my husband's name. Seemed silly and we are bad at paperwork. He cared for like 2 minutes and then was like, "Nah. I don't care." If we have kids, they'll have his last name because I look like a kindergarten teacher and people just had me babies whereas he's scarier looking and it'll be easier if the kids and him have the same name for school pick ups and other dad duties.

wynterpetals · 2016-10-14T20:48:42+00:00

If/When I marry Occam, I will take his name. I think it's insulting (in the US) for women to reject the man's last name, or hyphenate (regardless of her professional reputation).

Fra_Mauro · 2016-10-15T18:11:38+00:00

I am a man, red-ish pill. Maroon pill, you might say. I am also getting married in 3 months. (I believe marriage can be done right, with the right partner, so obviously not 100% red.) My fiancee is in agreement with me on this issue, and indeed in most issues.

I wouldn't get married to a woman who wouldn't take my name. It's important in a marriage for both partners to be a team, to be pulling in the same direction. A shared name is one way of signalling that to the community, and public signals are important. If she wasn't comfortable taking my name, there's no way I could trust her commitment to me. It's that simple.

As for why she needs to take my name, and I don't take hers: marriage is a bigger risk for a man than for a woman. We get back to what Nassim Taleb calls "skin in the game." For me as a man, the very act of saying "I do" shows my skin in the game. For the woman, taking my name is a good faith way to show the same.

Under no circumstances would I budge on this. It's the price of admission. (Well, one of them anyway.) And as for kids, of course children taking the name of the father is a signal of paternity. Any child of mine must also have my name.

AutoModerator · 2016-10-14T14:42:47+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair, just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

DashneDK2 · 2016-10-14T16:03:37+00:00

I don't care much either way about the wife's last name, but the children's last name is not up for discussion.

MisgenderedCactus · 2016-10-14T16:17:15+00:00

If I were they marrying type, I'd take my husband's last name. Not out of tradition...don't care about that aspect whatsoever...but because I do not particularly want to have my father's name. (We haven't spoken in years, thankfully.)

If my family situation was different, I'd probably want to keep it by hyphenating our names. Like "Mr & Mrs Smith-Cactus" would be great, since it would keep both our family's histories.

yaboitinky · 2016-10-14T17:14:08+00:00

Do you want/expect your partner to take your last name? In what circumstances would you be okay with that not occurring? Would you want your children to have your last name?

Yes. Under no circumstances. They have to have my last name.

alzayz · 2016-10-14T17:49:50+00:00

Did/will you take your (future) husband's last name?

i did, but he also took my last name. i like the idea of having the same name as my husband, but at the same time, i also really like my maiden name. he actually isn't a big fan of his last name, but he had recently reconciled with his estranged father and he therefore wanted to keep his last name as a gesture of that reconciliation (his father wouldn't have cared either way, but that's not the point). so we both changed our names -- i added his, he added mine.

meh613 · 2016-10-14T18:10:59+00:00

Do you want/expect your partner to take your last name?

I don't give 2p.

In what circumstances would you be okay with that not occurring?

shrug

Would you want your children to have your last name?

Again shrug.

I don't see the relevance of last name.

wub1234 · 2016-10-14T19:17:38+00:00

I don't particularly want to get married.

disposable_pants · 2016-10-14T19:50:31+00:00

I view it mostly from a practical perspective.

Having the same last name clearly signals to friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, business partners, your kids' friends, your kids' friends' parents, etc. that you're married. It gets everyone to the same page instantly; there's no confusion or questioning glances when people don't know the status of your relationship.
Choosing the man's last name is better than choosing the woman's, because in the vast majority of places the former will raise no eyebrows while the latter will. Public perception has a real impact on your life and your kids' lives, so unconventional choices aren't sensible unless there's a significant benefit attached to them (and choosing the woman's last name has no significant benefit). For women who are especially attached to their family name or heritage, there's already an easy, commonly-used way to keep it while taking the husband's last name -- [First Name][Maiden Name as Middle Name][Husband's Last Name].
Generally speaking, the type of women who are going to adamantly insist on keeping their own name (or would seriously push for using her name as a joint name) aren't the type of women who have views I think are conducive to serious long-term relationships. I think they prioritize gender politics and their own happiness over (and I hate using this phrase) the sanctity of marriage and the happiness of the family. They may be fully committed at the time of the marriage, but down the road that type of mentality doesn't bode well.

In short, there are a number of reasons to have the wife take the husband's name, and I don't see a reason for her to keep her own name besides "this is something I want," which isn't a great mentality to have in a marriage.

ginasaurus-rex · 2016-10-14T19:54:38+00:00

I'm not sure if I will or won't. Most likely scenario is that I keep my last name legally/professionally and adopt his socially. That way the world can see us as "The [LastName] Family" but I don't have to hassle with mountains of paperwork.

Whisper · 2016-10-14T22:17:40+00:00

One of the ways you can fairly easily spot a feminist is a woman who keeps her maiden name after marriage.

One possible false alarm on this is female PhDs with an academic career. Once you start publishing under one last name, you need to boost that name recognition, and changing it is detrimental.

Of course, this in itself has other red flags...

PhD.
Prioritizes career over husband/family.
Married old (had academic publications before marriage).

DarkLord0chinChin · 2016-10-14T23:21:21+00:00

IF I ever get married, she will WANT my name. Anything else is too betacuck

GridReXX · 2016-10-14T23:54:25+00:00

I'm conflicted on this.

I love my name so much.

That is all.

The kids can have his name.

trail22 · 2016-10-15T01:13:32+00:00

It is important but not a deal breaker to me. If she was in a situation that her livelihood was connected to her name I would be fine with her keeping it.

To me marriage is a lot about sacrifice and being able to sacrifice something without feeling you are getting anything back it a lot of what marriage is about. I feel like a lot of times someone who needs to keep her name cares more about her self and her own identity rather then being apart of a family.

andrewisgood · 2016-10-15T01:47:55+00:00

No. Whatever circumstances. Don't care. I know one person who has kids and well, she's married. She had her first kid with some other guy and he's your typical deadbeat loser. Her kid has her last name and they went with the idea that if it's a girl, they take the mom's last name and if it's a boy, they'll have his last name.

Or they could do that two name things. Hell, I have 4 names in my full name but just my Dad's last name. It really doesn't matter to me personally.

LifterofThings · 2016-10-15T05:26:00+00:00

I'll be taking his last name because I WANT to be his/"owned" by him. I am gladly parting with the "single" aspect of my former identity... not because I think being single is bad (it was a great time for me while it lasted), but because I think being married will be better.

It'd be a deal-breaker for my bf if I weren't open to taking his name. It's something he regards as a symbol of my respect for him and my commitment to our relationship.

wombatinaburrow · 2016-10-15T06:47:11+00:00

I took my husband's last name because it's a much better name than my maiden name. Also; why is belonging to my father any more "feminist" than belonging to my husband?

darksoldierk · 2016-10-15T14:50:19+00:00

As a man, Yes I want her to take my last name. Similar to what you said, I see women who refuse to change their last names the same way that women see a man who asks for a prenuptial agreement. They have no faith in the relationship.

There are no circumstances where I would be okay with her not taking my last name. If I get marriage, it's a commitment. I'm thinking about it as a lifelong commitment. I don't know if it actually will be, but I know that I wouldn't believe she is taking the commitment as serious as I am if she doesn't' change names.

I would want my son to have my last name and my daughter to have it up until she gets married.

screenmagnet · 2016-10-15T20:25:37+00:00

I will be taking my husband's last name, because my last name is long, hyphenated, hard to spell/pronounce, and outs me as a member of an ethnic minority. My husband's last name is the perfect generic last name.

I'm a feminist, btw.

yusrasyedahmed · 2016-10-23T00:10:10+00:00

I'm not taking his last name, as for why? well, you'd have to give me a good reason to before I decline it. I like my name, my name is my identity and I'm not changing that after marriage. It's not a thing where I come from, my parents both have different last names (and actually my dad took my moms last name as a middle name) so it's not really a feminist thing

bornredd · 2016-10-14T19:27:45+00:00

I have commented before that I require devotion from my wife.

Taking my name is part of that. Refusing to do so displays a lack of commitment to me and our future children. The only time that I would consider not requiring it is if her last name was a huge boost to our kids' lives - i.e. her being a Rockefeller or something of that nature.

All of my children have my last name.

mistixs · 2016-10-14T21:02:31+00:00

1 Guys should never marry. Seriously. There is no benefit for a man. Dumbest move ever for a guy. Smart move for women.

2 A guy who does get married to a woman who doesn't take his name is a beta bitch simp to the extreme. The wife is practically broadcasting her lack of respect for him.

Title	Last Names
Author	GaiusScaevolus
Upvotes	4
Comments	365
Date	October 14, 2016 2:42 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/57goum/last_names/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/last-names.272401 https://theredarchive.com/post/272401