So we're having the "why can't men take no for an answer" discussion again.

No Means No works when the woman saying "no" actually demonstrates by word and deed that she means it. No Means No doesn't work when the woman hangs around and sticks around and continues to communicate.

It doesn't work when, in the famous example of the drunk/buzzed girl at the party, she lies down on a sofa next to drunk/buzzed guy she's been flirting with all night, he makes his moves, she says no, and then stays there.

One of the regulars here lectured me in this post that most of women's communications are indirect, and that men just have to learn to live with it. In other words, "Don't listen to what we say, watch what we do". So men are learning to read the tea leaves and figure out what she is REALLY saying, despite the words that are coming out of her mouth.

When a woman says no but then

--stays there talking to him

--continues to flirt with him

--returns his calls/texts

--hangs out with him, even makes out with him or pity handjobs him

Then her "no" is seen as inviting further "negotiation". Her "no" isn't seen as "no". It's seen as "try harder", "try something else", "not yet, but I might later", or other such ambiguities.

This is why "Grace"'s episode with Aziz Ansari went down as it did. At first, she didn't say "no", she said "slow down". When she said "I don't want to", she stayed at his place and didn't leave until after a few more awkward and embarrassing exchanges and failed attempts.

A good example of "no" and making it stick is the sorostitute story I like telling. This sorority girl was at our frat house at one of our usual drunk/puke fests. I was hitting on her pretty aggressively, I knew her from a class or two. I'm pretty sure I was drunker than she was. She says "STOP DOING THAT I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO THAT" and then walked away from me and didn't talk to me the rest of the night. It was loud enough that people around us heard her say it, despite the fact this was a pretty loud party.

THAT is how you work "No Means No".

Women can't have it both ways when it comes to declining sex and rejecting men for sex. Either she is rejecting him, firmly and finally, or she is inviting further negotiation. They don't get to say "oh, we communicate indirectly and you men just have to learn to deal with it" and then out the other side of their mouths, say "no always means no even when we take action that is inconsistent with it".

Either you communicate indirectly and deal with the consequences when your indirect and ambiguous communications and messages are misinterpreted, or you start communicating directly when it comes to declining sex and rejecting men.

here's why: Because you're dealing with men, and men communicate directly and overtly. And men are also attempting to read and divine your indirect communications as well as the words coming out of your mouth. Actions speak louder than words. And you women are always telling us that we have to accept your indirect communication styles and learn to live with them and navigate that minefield. So if you are going to communicate in a hybrid words/action style, then don't be surprised when we read the ACTIONS YOU TAKE as well as the words you say.

Don't get all huffy when we take "no" coupled with lying down next to us on a bed while buzzed as "try harder", "maybe later", and "try something else". Don't get all pissed off when you say "no" and then you continue flirting with us. Because there, "no" says "keep trying" and "try something else". Don't get testy when you say "no" but then continue texting/talking, and we read that as "keep trying".

No means no works when you back it up with action. Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind, and telling a guy "no" firmly and finally is the way you have to do it. I don't care that you don't want to be seen as a bitch, or that you're "afraid" he might "do something". If the guy is going to "do something", he's going to do it regardless of what you say. Most men are not going to "do" anything after you say "no" and then get up, put your clothes on and leave, or you get up and tell him to GTFO. They're just going to leave, or sit there and watch you leave.

No Means No fails only when women don't do it right.