Q4All, Do you prefer honesty over kindness (ie. comforting lies) or the other way around?

NockerJoe · 2021-11-06T18:52:27+00:00

Everyone will say they want the truth, until the truth is something they don't want to hear. I'm not saying anyone here is lying, but there's a difference between saying you want the truth in a neutral environment where it's socially the right thing to say, and hearing the truth about your insecurities and it's bad, and it's being delivered by a person you want comfort out of.

CimZim · 2021-11-06T18:31:15+00:00

I'm honest to a fault, although over the years I've gotten slightly better at saying the truth in nicer terms.

But yes, I 100% prefer honesty vs honeyed lies. If I fuck up, tell me so I can fix it. Otherwise I'll never know anything needs fixing or that I'm wrong.

SaBahRub · 2021-11-06T20:23:55+00:00

People who say they are brutally honest care more about the “brutal” part than “honesty”

quiturbitchn · 2021-11-06T18:40:22+00:00

I prefer honesty but delivered with emotional intelligence. There’s a nice and a nasty way to say everything. If you value the person the nice way is beneficial to the relationship whether it’s a friend or romantic partner. For example, my partner early on went with white lies. I made a lot of dinners with kale as it’s one of my fave veggies and he would say the meal was great. Until I noticed after a few months he stopped being appreciative of my cooking because he hated eating kale. Had he said he didn’t like it up front it would have been much easier.

Barely-moral · 2021-11-06T19:12:36+00:00

Some topics require honesty over all. Those topics should be discussed and defined so it is known that honesty should be the main priority when those topics are involved.

Under every other circumstance kindness is prefferable.

superlurkage · 2021-11-06T18:59:54+00:00

When I ask for it. Otherwise I want neither

CriticalEscapeBike · 2021-11-06T19:39:01+00:00

I prefer honesty over everything.

PMmeareasontolive · 2021-11-06T19:42:36+00:00

There's a movement called Radical Honesty. They take it to the absurd extreme. But there's something worth thinking about there.

I've had a girlfriend say to me ".. if only you were better looking" while we were dating. It's a little cruel but I appreciate that maybe she won't hold back if she has a problem, and I'd rather she be candid than not communicate.

There's a difference between that and someone who has to critique every little thing because they are a perfectionist and have drastically unrealistic expectations. That kind of person is annoying.

Jakes1967 · 2021-11-07T07:31:54+00:00

Do you prefer honesty over kindness (ie. comforting lies) or the other way around?

I prefer generosity, which encompasses both and more.

FabulousFuchsbau · 2021-11-07T16:16:10+00:00

I prefer honesty without being an asshole about it

quaker5 · 2021-11-06T19:26:27+00:00

comforting lies are great if you never find out.

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-11-06T19:46:21+00:00

I've always done my best to be as honest as possible, with the right amount of tact mixed with bluntness, and for the most part I want that in return

mackenzie013_02 · 2021-11-06T20:24:24+00:00

I prefer honesty, but I don’t ask questions I don’t want an honest answer to (e.g. does my butt look good in this…).

That said, people often mix honesty with truthfulness. I wouldn’t want to be with someone that doesn’t know the difference. 🤷🏻‍♀️

januaryphilosopher · 2021-11-06T21:09:53+00:00

I'm a very bluntly honest person, and I prefer others to be totally honest with me in return. I can take whatever others may feel about me and believe that lies, even kind ones, can cause problems. I can only believe a compliment if someone is capable of criticising me, for example.

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-11-06T21:54:10+00:00

I prefer honesty over kindness, because that kindness is often given with the assumption of weakness. I can handle the truth and I prefer that someone's weakness not be projected onto me.

Pilling_it · 2021-11-06T22:17:06+00:00

I prefer honesty, but be it me or others, being blunt 100% of the time isn't something that we can afford.

People can say they want to hear something honestly, but if all they do when hearing it is getting angry... Yeah.

Perseus_the_Bold · 2021-11-06T22:54:26+00:00

Honesty is what matters - it is the delivery which is always finicky.

There is a different between being kindly honest and being brutally honest. Diplomacy is the art of delivering unkind truths through honeyed words. Political correctness is the opposite of that. PC culture is the art of hiding uncomfortable truths with stale words. This is why Diplomacy is a much more superior art than Politics.

Comedy is the highest form of Diplomacy.

Wokeness is the lowest form of Politics.

hearyoume14 · 2021-11-06T23:02:03+00:00

My autistic self prefers honesty but depending on the other person a sandwiched critique,softened blow or honest but gentle might work better.

ididntwanttoexist · 2021-11-07T00:19:28+00:00

Honesty. It especially pisses me off when truth is omitted from me because they're too cowardly to say it or start a potential confrontation, than self-serving bs about sparing my feelings.

People skipping around the point trying to be diplomatic all the time drives me nuts in general, but I realize this isn't what most people are like, so I go along with it generally unless I know there aren't any negative consequences for not doing so. With people I don't give a shit about, my goal is for the interaction to be over as painlessly as possible, not to impose some radical honesty policy, and I know the world is never going to work like that. People who insist on being BrUtAllY HoNeSt all the time, regardless of context, are usually either highly socially inept, or shit-stirring assholes. But in my personal relationships, I prefer honesty, always. I also really don't want people to blow smoke up my ass for the sake of being "supportive".

I haven't had much of a problem with direct lies and deception relationship-wise, but I have with lying by omission about certain thoughts feelings they were having that they knew if I knew about, I'd see as grounds that we were no longer compatible anymore and leave, that were trickle-truthed and just dragged out the inevitable end. Again, this was more about their own cowardice to confront it and not wanting it to end, rather than not wanting to "hurt" me. The experience of having to drag information out of someone over hours of arduous conversation about a problem they had with me but wouldn't admit they had, was fucking exhausting.

Taipanshimshon · 2021-11-07T01:23:15+00:00

Honesty is kindness. Comforting lies are cruel

Assasinized · 2021-11-07T05:21:18+00:00

For people I don't know I'd prefer if they tell me things honestly even if delivered with ill intent but by all means constructive criticism is better than just saying things in a douchey manner. It's good to know I can improve upon things. If it's someone I care about I'd much prefer them being diplomatic about the criticism or I will definitely take it to heart.

Forsaken-Vermicelli3 · 2021-11-07T13:20:17+00:00

Being lovey dovey won't earn any points with me. I want him straight up blunt.

M3taBuster · 2021-11-07T19:18:47+00:00

I genuinely do want to hear the unfettered truth, because if it isn't what I want to hear, then it tells me I need to make some changes until the truth does align with what I want to hear.

But if they tell me what I want to hear and it isn't the truth, then they lull me into complacency and deprive me of a potential future in which the truth and what I want to hear are synonymous.

Superfluous_Toast · 2021-11-07T19:49:27+00:00

I know that the truth is going to hurt, and yeah, I'm going to take some time to feel that hurt. But in the end, I'm going to adjust what I'm doing and learn from it. If he doesn't tell me, how can I fix it?

You mistake the nursing of wounds for the consequences of the wrong action, when pain is an inevitable result of not measuring up to expectations. Lying doesn't help them or you, it just kicks the can down the road to be encountered again at a later date.

Gigamon2014 · 2021-11-07T21:41:47+00:00

I prefer kindness over honesty tbh.

Im an insecure person and have come to terms with thay insecurity. Until I start investing in therapy, the last thing I need is someone triggering those same insecurities...especially doing so inadvertently. That somehow is even more frustrating.

I've dropped plenty of women who somehow couldn't employ some basic tact when it came to many things.

goatismycopilot · 2021-11-06T18:47:21+00:00

You can be honest and authentic without being a giant hurtful asshole. But most people who pride themselves on being honest also pride themselves on being total assholes. They tend to enjoy seeing the reaction they get.

Fabulous-Housing102 · 2021-11-06T19:02:03+00:00

Honesty kindly.

Devourer_of_felines · 2021-11-06T20:56:48+00:00

Honesty with respectful delivery

Like in your example of “do I look fat in this” there’s a world of difference between say, “it’s not a flattering look” and “lol it ain’t the dress making you look fat”

metropolisapocalypse · 2021-11-07T23:16:27+00:00

I've been seeing a guy who is absolutely brutally honest, to a point where it crosses on unnecessary. Like "oh my god why are you wearing that" or "you say you don't like this one thing and yet you do it all the time." It's great. I love being challenged and called out.

I do so much better with straightforward honesty than with "kindness." I'm awful at reading between the lines, and I'm at a point in my life where I'm both secure in myself and also want to grow and be better. So if a partner doesn't like my outfit idgaf cuz I dress for myself, but if there are ways I can become a better person, I definitely want to hear it!!!

Orange_Paisley · 2021-11-06T18:29:13+00:00

My preference would be someone who could tell me the truth in a diplomatic fashion. But I would have to trade my husband in for a woman.

DeliciousPussyNectar · 2021-11-06T18:26:49+00:00

Women prefer to be lied to.

I don’t care what they prefer.

I’m tired of lying to women that don’t lie to me to make me feel good.

xQueen-Bx · 2021-11-06T18:28:29+00:00

no honesty please

xQueen-Bx · 2021-11-06T18:29:09+00:00

your examples are textbook comfort tests

fakingandnotmakingit · 2021-11-06T19:19:53+00:00

Depends. Honestly isln general by tneed to temper it with kindness and context

If I remember the "my ex had a bigger dick post the other day". I don't need to know the details of your sex life with your ex.

Telling me that i don't look that great on this dress is a good thing in general. Telling me I don't look great when I have no chance to change and fix it is stupid

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CFinCanada · 2021-11-06T23:19:45+00:00

Depends on the context.

I prefer brutal honesty from strangers but if it's a person I dearly adore, I want comforting and beautiful lies.

Playful_Art_5364 · 2021-11-07T00:35:49+00:00

I don’t want honesty. This dating thing is a game and life itself is just complicated. I rather we both play the role we’re given and dont think about it.

social_mule · 2021-11-07T01:05:35+00:00

There's a way to be honest without being a fucking asshole. No need to channel Simon Cowell or Gordon Ramsay when interacting with a loved one.

How to respond to the soup question?

"Not bad but it could use some more salt." Or less garlic. Or fewer carrots or whatever. What's to be gained by telling someone who took the time to cook and serve you a pot of soup that it tastes like boiled gym socks?

phantomdilletante · 2021-11-07T02:22:33+00:00

I prefer my partner to be a secure adult who knows how to both administer and receive critique and validation in the same message. I find this dichotomy to be pretty intellectually juvenile at best, and if you don’t know how to be honest and kind at the same time, you’re a narcissistic asshole who shouldn’t be dating anyway.

Ohyarlysmiles · 2021-11-08T06:02:40+00:00

If someone thinks the world of you all their truths will be very kind as a matter of course.

Title	Q4All, Do you prefer honesty over kindness (ie. comforting lies) or the other way around?
Author	EstablishmentKooky50
Upvotes	10
Comments	72
Date	November 6, 2021 6:24 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/qo64e3/q4all_do_you_prefer_honesty_over_kindness_ie/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4all-do-you-prefer-honesty-over-kindness-ie.1085578 https://theredarchive.com/post/1085578