Q4ALL: If you were dating an attractive, charming man/woman, how would you know they are generally interested in you?

[deleted] · 2018-09-01T15:57:19+00:00

Time.

kandyapplez · 2018-09-01T17:39:44+00:00

generally speaking they stop acting like that with everyone else so much once they get with you. especially people of the opposite sex.

he drops all of his plates basically and does it with zero prompting because he's so invested of you he doesn't have the energy for them.

he will also talk about you a shit ton to his friends when you aren't around. when you meet them they'll say "oh so this is her! :)" and etc. both the guys and the girls he knows.

Texastentialism · 2018-09-01T17:46:49+00:00

Minus the possible BPD/narcissism (which is a weird assumption to make about a person just because they're charming and social), you pretty much described my husband. When we met, he was a party animal. He was never the Chad or the center of attention (his best friend was more that archetype), but he was and is a charming, gregarious, likeable person with a wide social circle. He had a few LTRs before me, and between them he hooked up and had FWB.

I knew he was serious about me because almost immediately after we started hanging out, he introduced me to his friends and invited me out with his siblings. He stuck around and wanted to hang out with me after we had sex. He texted me all the time and bought me little funny gifts (OMG beta alert!!!). He spent every weekend at my apartment. He brought me ginger ale and crackers when I was sick and puking my guts up. He asked early on what I thought about kids, marriage etc. We started taking trips together.

Granted, preceding this there was about a year of me crushing on him from afar and him dating/hooking up with other girls and giving me just enough attention to make me go crazy with thoughts of "Omg does he like me????" But once he actually showed that he did, I never doubted he was in it for the long haul.

Willow-girl · 2018-09-01T20:08:35+00:00

If a man is not pushing for exclusivity, he's just not that into you. Most men do not want to share ...

lefactorybebe · 2018-09-01T16:07:15+00:00

My boyfriend's kind of like this. He's not outgoing in the sense that he'll approach people for a conversation, but if someone starts talking to him he'll be outgoing and friendly with them. He makes friends easily and everyone likes him; he's known as a good guy and everyone speaks highly of him. He's very generous, and will help anyone out without being asked.

But he never had 'plates' or FWBs. It definitely helped that I knew this beforehand, I knew he was relationship oriented.

He made it pretty obvious he was interested in me. Texted me often just for conversation or asking how my day was going, going out of his way to make plans with me. After a night together we'd go out and do things during the day, get breakfast/lunch together, etc. He opened up to me after his grandfather died. He spoke about future plans together, etc.

UsedAlgae · 2018-09-01T16:32:31+00:00

They are also most likely narcissistic or borderline.

I have a good radar for these kind of people. I wouldn't give a shit if he was into me because I would turn around and run.

[deleted] · 2018-09-01T16:00:59+00:00

If they are treating me in a way I would expect from someone who is actually interested in me, I would never question it.

flamingoinghome · 2018-09-01T16:36:26+00:00

I really don't think most charming or charismatic people are narcissistic or borderline. But that said, there's a saying among the polyamorous that I think applies here: Love is infinite, but time isn't.

Whatever this person is like to any Tom, Dick, and Harry, if they're choosing to spend large amounts of time with you, and actively seeking your company, communicating when you aren't physically together, etc., then you know they're into you for real.

PearsOfWrath · 2018-09-01T15:44:17+00:00

Well if they fuck you, they are probably interested in you - for fucking.

Past that I don't understand why someone would want to get married to someone with these traits.

darla10 · 2018-09-01T18:25:53+00:00

why would you want to be with someone narcissistic and borderline?

Ladyofblades · 2018-09-01T19:03:36+00:00

I am dating one and I have to say it’s very hard. The amount of female attention he gets is staggering (he used to model). Generally I can gauge his interest with how much time he gives me and initiates everything from communicating to making plans. If a busy, attractive person is allotting considerable amounts of time to make plans for you then it’s a safe bet that they’re invested. The next stage might be is if they’re the ones initiating relationship conversations with you.

Young_Oryx · 2018-09-01T22:57:15+00:00

But you know they have many, many friends of the opposite sex and/or plates.

If this is true, then he is not that into me. If he's hanging onto the opposite sex friends and plates, then my value doesn't outweigh them in his mind. Simply put: he doesn't like me enough.

How would you know this person is genuinely interested in you? What are some signs they're not just working their charm on you, and that they actually care?

When I met my husband, he had four other women aggressively pursuing him. He dropped all of them for me. Dropped his friends, even. All without me asking for it, because spending time with me became more appealing than spending time with anyone else. This was in addition to doting on me and treating me well, giving me a key to his apartment, and moving in with me within 5 months.

Oh. I also found remnants of a voodoo love spell that he tried to work on me in his apartment. There's another sign, although I had never considered that a possibility before I met him.

dicklord_airplane · 2018-09-02T14:37:42+00:00

When i want a relationship, i ask if they also want a relationship. If their answer is anything less than, " hell yes, i want an exclusive relationship," then i know that i need to move on and stop hoping that she will change her mind.

Communicating with words is the best way to handles these things. Trying to communicate by interpretting hints and signals is a fool's errand. If you want a relationship, open your mouth and say so. If you never clearly and directly said that you wanted exclusivity, then you can't get mad if you don't get it.

wtknight · 2018-09-01T15:50:37+00:00

I would not date someone who has many, many friends of the opposite sex and/or plates, so this would not be an issue.

Tyler_Gatsby · 2018-09-01T16:08:34+00:00

For starters, as the Great Chris Rock would say, "If you have been dating a guy for six months, but you haven't met any of his friends... You are not his gf."

Also you eventually have to put your foot down about the "plates" or potential side pieces. Don't flip out about the chick friends, so long as they appear platonic, but work out a compromise with him that you're comfortable with.

He'll either accept your terms, or try and compromise with you, or you'll find out then and there where you stand. You can either remain a "plate," or take the knowledge of your importance to him however you will.

Edit: I'm not saying be a random bitch about other women one day, I'm saying after you give him some, and he stays but doesn't bounce, and you have him laying there naked, give him the "look I don't really like or feel comfortable with _" speech.

I'm going out on a proverbial limb and type casting him as also being the kind of thing guy that is at least amused or impressed by a woman pressuring him. He likes getting tested by women that he's used to getting his way with. Mentally toy with him a bit, make him squirm and see how he tries to talk his way around it. I'm betting the odds are he'll respond well.

Guess I had a stroke on spelling today

GayLubeOil · 2018-09-01T17:43:32+00:00

There's a danger of loving a person not for who they are but for the weirdo fantasy you constructed. This is coming from Zizek so y'all leftist are ideologically obligated to agree.

Anyway this whole post is a bizarro fantasy. It's like an electoral campaign where some strategist wrote the lines and then the proletariat are supposed to make it come to life with their participation.

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Barely-moral · 2018-09-01T18:59:57+00:00

I dont know hoy would I know that. I would rather date someone that is worse but has no better option than me.

Being picked from a pool of options is cool, being the only sane option is better.

IncomeByEtnicity · 2018-09-01T19:59:43+00:00

On my 13th date, I asked my current wife. "So usually at which date do you and the guy usually kiss".

She said, "Maybe the 3rd or the 4th".

I said, "I guess I better make a move then".

We made out for 40 minutes and my lips never hurt so good.

The answer to your question, is why did it take 13 dates for me to make a move. There is fear that builds as you start getting to know a person. A fear that only comes when layer by layer you discover them to a better and better fit for you. At one point the fear to not mess this opportunity is so great, that it can restrain you a little bit.

You have to sense this fear in the person on the other side. That he really wants to make it work. It's easiest to spot at the end of the dates at the follow up calls/txts/emails. The push here, would be to see you again, and spend more time together.

If it is all per-meditated game there will be a fixed routine, rehearsed answers towards the end, and push to "close".

Hope this helps.

FrogHitler · 2018-09-01T23:38:07+00:00

I wouldn't date someone with plates and/or many friends of the opposite sex in the first place tbh. we would certainly not be having sex I can tell you that much

Gravel_Roads · 2018-09-02T13:00:50+00:00

They are also most likely narcissistic or borderline.

This is a game-changer for whether or not I would date this person. Gregarious and sexually adventurous are not problems for me. Narcissism and borderline personality are disorders I have a very hard time getting along with.

That said, there's no major difference between how you tell if someone attractive likes you versus how someone unattractive finds you -- In that partially, it's depends on the individual, and partly on the typical obvious signs of someone being into you.

Do they get excited about seeing you? Do they like to hug you and establish affection with you on their own? Are they reluctance to leave when they end their time hanging out with you for the night? Do they let you know they're thinking about you when you're not around (ie sending you texts, commenting on things they see that remind them of you, bringing you small gifts and mementos they think you'd like/be amused by, remembering things about you that you find important ect). Then they probably like you.

There's no 100% guaranteed way to tell if someone will be into you forever. They might change their mind with time. They might get to like you MORE with time, too. Sometimes, things seem perfect and still just don't work out in the end.

I like open relatinoships, so I wouldn't care if they were also seeing other people. But if you aren't comfortable with them seeing other people, and convey this to them, and they continue to see other people anyway, they probably aren't that into you. And you may as well ghost and move on. No harm, no foul, there's just no sense in trying to change what don't wanna change.

EchoZeroEleven · 2018-09-02T21:38:28+00:00

There’s only one way - by how much time are they investing in me.

Is it the same amount they give anyone? Or do they spend large and frequent amounts of time with me?

[deleted] · 2018-09-02T23:09:47+00:00

How they react toward any negative behavior.

RedPill-BlackLotus · 2018-09-04T17:10:04+00:00

You can never know. People are only as loyal as their options.

hawtsauze · 2018-09-06T21:03:13+00:00

Most likely narcissists?

So to be charming, likeable, and have had a few FWB one must be mentally ill?

That's absurd.

I'm sociable, my job requires me to be charming to do well (which I do), and I've slept with dozens of casual partners, outside of my meaningful relationships (never cheated).

By your logic I'm either a sociopath or a narcissist?

Gee. I'd never realized that, until now. Thanks for the diagnosis.

But seriously, aside from that "disconnected from reality statement", it's time and intention.

Yes, I've had women think I wanted something serious because of my personality, but they all disregarded my actual words, as in me telling them I I don't want a GF.

I've also had women who recognized these traits that I did want something serious with and I had to give them time and show them my honest intent.

blackedoutfast · 2018-09-01T20:11:50+00:00

You are dating a prototype of this charming man/woman. He/she treats you like gold, makes you laugh, makes you feel cared for, and gives you the most wonderful sex and conversation you could have. They confide in you, you feel like you can trust them with your secrets.

so what's the downside? how am i getting used in this situation? is she asking me for money? pushing to get married or have a kid ASAP? has she asked me to kill her husband?

if all their actual actions and behaviors are very positive, and they haven't given me any legit reason to suspect an ulterior motive, then why the fuck would i be worried about them using me.

this probably should have been a Q4W because it's really about the irrational neurotic concerns of women. if some chick is fucking a dudes brains out, he's not going to worry about why she's doing it.

But you know they have many, many friends of the opposite sex and/or plates.

so what? every decent quality girl will have friendzoned betas orbiting her. even weird fugly girls have orbiters.

and i can't complain too much about her spinning plates if she doesn't complain about me spinning plates.

Title	Q4ALL: If you were dating an attractive, charming man/woman, how would you know they are generally interested in you?
Author	vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes	7
Comments	34
Date	September 1, 2018 3:40 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/PurplePillDebate
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4all-if-you-were-dating-an-attractive-charming.260970 https://theredarchive.com/post/260970
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/9c3zqq/q4all_if_you_were_dating_an_attractive_charming/