Q4W: Why do women care so much about male dating preferences?

iceicle999 · Sun Dec 9 22:34:18 2018 UTC

That's just the way western society is. This is western culture 101. Women feel as though men are still trying to 'control' them by being tough with their preferences, but what women seem to not be able to understand is that men are allowed to have any preferences they want and no amount of feminism or shaming or whatever modern trash you want to spew will change that. Women base a lot of their lives off of the validation they receive from men on a social basis. When they do not get that validation, they get very offended. There is, you could say, a social bloc in the west comprised of all sorts of people (even self-described "traditionalists" who feel it's their job to keep men in line and to ensure that men validate women on a consistent basis. Those people are very annoying.

KikiYuyu · 2018-12-09T21:08:53+00:00

Lots of people, myself included, can't help take it personally when a preference excludes them. Some people handle it, some people take it as injustice and get pissy.

meomeowmeoww · 2018-12-09T22:28:11+00:00

Well you can phrase things nastily and people will respond nastily.

Eg. Long shorts make you look even shorter than you already are

Might get someone offended.

Eg2. I think shorter shorts will look better on you

Wont get anyone offended.

DemonConsulting · 2018-12-10T00:05:02+00:00

People in general tend to feel judged/ attacked if you state a personal preference that excludes them and they tend to get defensive, either rejecting your assessment, attacking you in return, or excluding themselves from the negative statement. It is an assumed or sometimes even overt judgement of their character.

A popular example on reddit: a huge number of people losing their collective shits, if you make a statement against weed in any way, including a personal preference to not consume it your self and/or date/ hang out with people who do. Same goes for anything negative relating to videogames.

JSC077 · 2018-12-09T22:09:53+00:00

I have a theory why some women get angry. I want to say upfront though that I do think a man should have high standards, he should stick to them and should not be shamed for having them. But...

The reason why women get angry is because men say they want a chaste woman, yet watch tons of porn (full of unchaste women) and fantasize about these women. Men will also bang as many unchaste women as they can and often will avoid chaste women because they're "not ready to settle down".

Women see this playing out before their eyes from a young age and some figure the only way to get a guy is to be unchaste. When they finally realize that men will look down on her for being that way, it's too late because she already gave up the goods. She then gets upset because she misunderstood what men say they want versus how they act.

In the end, being chaste woman gets you ignored or avoided and being an unchaste woman gets you used. Women can't really win in this world when it comes to dating and we're basically jacked around either way we go.

Best case scenario for all parties involved would be for women to be chaste, marry at a younger age and avoid divorce or adultery.

[deleted] · 2018-12-10T00:00:13+00:00

Maybe because they're using the word "sluts" to describe women who had sex with more than one person. Using that word strongly implies that the speaker cares so much about female sexual preferences.

deadsandsushi2 · 2018-12-09T20:31:42+00:00

I personally don't care. I think other women might find it hypocritical if the dude has a high N count and point that out. Pointing out hypocrisy doesn't mean men can't have preferences.

And let's not pretend their aren't dudes on here foaming at the mouth because a woman might have had casual sex in the past and now is getting married (the horror) or that a woman might not want to do a sex act she hated again (but chad tho).

KrispyMcSockington · 2018-12-09T20:42:54+00:00

Why do men on PPD/elsewhere care so much about female dating preferences? The second a woman here claims to have an approach to dating/attraction different than the TRP-prescribed absolute-amoral-hypergamy, five guys lose their damn minds trying to convince both her and anyone who'll listen that she's as much, if not more, of a duplicitous branch-swinging hypocrite as any other woman.

That's a rhetorical question: people care about what other people think about them, and when people express and defend their dating preferences, they are implicitly making a statement about the attractiveness of others as well as about themselves. We police each others' desires because, as a eusocial species, we have a vested interest in society functioning 'properly', though the way we imagine a 'proper society' varies person to person.

Silly question to direct only to women. We all care, clearly, about the desires and rationale of others, or we wouldn't be here, arguing about literally this goddamned topic all goddamned day.

kandyapplez · 2018-12-09T20:39:33+00:00

i don't think most women care about this though. women "lose their shit" about men not wanting to date sluts? in what universe because women call each other sluts for a reason

mega-unicorn · 2018-12-09T23:25:23+00:00

Slut is a derogatory term, and you wonder why women take issue with being denigrated.

poppy_blu · 2018-12-09T21:04:59+00:00

It’s not women posting daily questions and cmvs on why sluts are are horrible. we don’t care and we’d be more than happy to move on other topics.

Tl;dr: stop trying to convince us, uh, I mean, stop talking about how much you hate sluts all the time and you’ll be surprised at how little attention this topic will get.

flamingoinghome · 2018-12-09T20:15:38+00:00

Because we hear SO MUCH about how to be "sexier" and how important it is we turn men on, and THEN you have the gall to say that women who SUCCEED at getting lots of men attracted to her are ALSO "unworthy" in some way? It just seems rude.

That, and plenty of guys act like any woman, no matter the age, who's had like four partners is a "slut."

PearsOfWrath · Sun Dec 9 20:49:12 2018 UTC

Because they want to have their cake and eat it too.

And then you have men telling them this and it bothers them because they want to be prime marriage material while having rode the fuck out of the cock carousel. It sucks that they can't have both.

But some of the backlash has some merit. Like the whole 'shes not a virgin and therefore not marriage material' shit is weird, as is calling a girl with 5 n count a 'slut.'

slavicgypsygirl · 2018-12-09T21:26:57+00:00

I date a lot of different people, tell guys that right away but have the opposite problem of many being too possessive

kkokk · 2018-12-09T23:45:26+00:00

I think there's something to be said here for hypersensitization.

I'd compare it to so called "white fragility", except with women. When a group never has to deal with a certain class of status insult, the sporadic occurrences of such insults drive a much larger reaction. Essentially hygiene hypothesis, but for sociopolitics.

Note that I said "certain class", because there are insults that are very common for both women and whites. However, being undesirable is a very rare insult for women, while being "incapable/dumb/ditzy/weak" is a common charge, and thus women are not particularly bothered by these.

miss_meeseeks · 2018-12-10T01:01:59+00:00

Even if I was a single virgin, I wouldn’t want to associate myself with anyone who spoke like that. If you said “I don’t want to date a woman who’s into casual sex.” I would think that’s fine and your personal preference. “I don’t want to date sluts.” Informs me on your general attitude towards women and sex. “Slut” is not a category of woman. It is an insult used to shame people (usually women) for enjoying casual sex. Casual sex is not a bad thing, just because it’s not YOUR thing. Sex and intimacy are very nuanced, and your entitled to have your sex exactly how you want with who you want (consented obviously) as am I.

syaarts · 2018-12-09T22:17:30+00:00

There's nothing wrong with males having a dating preference however I would say that the use of the word slut itself is the most probably offensive part. If you didn't already know slut, is a word generally used by men to dehumanize women and that's why we don't like it. There's a difference between saying that you prefer someone who is fairly inexperienced and hasn't had any (or much) sex and saying that you don't want to date a slut.

killallthenarcs · 2018-12-09T22:59:15+00:00

I don't care if you don't want to date women who have had a lot of partners. I'm a low count women and if I was on the market again I would not be looking for a man whore. I also think most women don't care if a man prefers low count. Most women ARE pretty much low count. I'm pretty sure there's more 50 year old women out there who have had less than five partners than who have had more than five.

I do think you're ridiculous if you hold this viewpoint yet want to have a lot of partners yourself and don't think that could or should harm your chances with low count women. It is reasonable that someone who favors caution and cleanness in her sex life not want to take on the risks and ickiness of a man who has not made similar choices. It is reasonable that she will form a serious relationship reasonably young and not wait around single keeping her hymen intact for some 28 year old engineer with aspie tendencies to marry her once she's finished her degree and paid her degree off. Women don't want to waste their youth not fucking and that's fair enough.

I also think these sorts of opinions must be taken in the context of the decisions the man making this complaint has taken about building his own value and seeking a partner over the years. Obviously some strategies are just crap for ending up with a low count partner and if you've used these strategies then I don't see how your failure to plan should be seen as some sort of emergency for women-kind in general.

So to me that's the general gist of it... if you're whining about partner count you're probably asking for other people to put aside their needs for year after year in order to cater to your needs that you yourself could have made sure the marketplace catered for if you'd just bothered to think the situation through earlier. In terms of entitlement it is the equivalent of the single mother who wants to marry a doctor. You probably need to shut up.

LLL3peat · 2018-12-10T00:26:28+00:00

To put it simply if the guy you like doesn't want you something is wrong with them for not wanting you. It's entitlement more or less from dairy tales and people telling her a prince will save her all her life.

People don't like rejection, men are used to it due to life and women usually aren't. There was a woman who became a man to write a book and same damn near wanted to kill herself.

Nora Vincent - self made man.

Nodoxxintoxin · 2018-12-10T00:49:35+00:00

Like many other posters, I don’t really care. If a girl banged 5 guys last week, I would tell my brother or male friend to be wary of emotional investment, she clearly isn’t in a place in her life to LTR, and potentially might be dealing with a bunch of issues.

If someone has a problem with my n count, which is apparently way higher than most around here, I wouldn’t want to date them anyway. My behavior was about standard for my social circle and those were the people I was most comfortable dating.

NeedingAdvice86 · 2018-12-10T04:59:23+00:00

Depends on where you are actually....

In most communities, sluts have lower SMV in both men's and women's eyes....a ton of the warnings I have gotten about a girl being a slut has come from other women.

Women don't want sluts around their boyfriends and openly shun them in many cases...are very wary of their guys spending any time with or really interacting with them in most ways. Guys might bang on a drunken night but do not want to introduce to their friends that they were the one that LTRed up the girl who every other dude in the social group had fucked without even so much as a smoothie at the mall.

I still recall my introduction to my first real slut in moving to the ATL after college....joined a new social group which had big sand volleyball parties every Saturday and the 'slut' started talking to me as the new guy, I suppose. Well I was warned in that night and over the next couple of days by all the guys in the group along with their girlfriends and other girls, including her roommates that she was a slut of the first order. Eckkkk!

But then if everyone in your group is a slut then I guess that you never hear any of the other girls outing each other.

goatismycopilot · 2018-12-10T14:22:54+00:00

Because the definition of slut changes with each individual commenter here.

I do not have an issue with idea a man wants a low N woman for the purposes of reproduction. Personally I think player dudes are bad at monogamy . I like them many are super attractive but I would not have sex with or get into a relationship with them because women are interchangable.

_Neon_Shadow_ · 2018-12-10T14:52:06+00:00

I personally dont classify as a slut so I dont fully care. I dont want to date someone who's a slut, either. Having said that, in some people's eyes, having ONE partner makes you a slut (and in their POV I am one).

What bothers me is double standards. I do agree women get sex easier, but that isnt the point. You shouldnt expect a pure virgin when you're screwing around.

The other thing is, being turned off by a grown adult female having had one partner before you is unrealistic and it shows you have an unhealthy view of sex... I dont want to sign up for that.

longacidrain · 2018-12-10T17:27:47+00:00

I want a slutty boy. But as a slut I respect you don't want a slut and you should be honest about it because if you aren't it will cause issues.

As long as you don't try to push your views on others no one should care, but they will because the shoe fits.

Also not sure why sluts would be unfit for love, just gotta find someone you work well with.

red__aaron · 2018-12-11T02:52:19+00:00

Because your “preferences” don’t exist in a vacuum. Using shame to control female sexuality has a long long history— women accused of promiscuity faced really harsh consequences, so I think it makes sense to move away from shaming sexuality.

Also, I really don’t get it, why do guys care about sexual history (not including cheating, I’m talking sleeping around where everyone is ok with it)? As long as you get a STI test and it comes back negative it really doesn’t affect you

FlwrPowr · 2018-12-09T20:15:41+00:00

I mean it is pretty messed up for men to be allowed to have as many one nightstands as they want and be praised and considered a "stud" by toxic masculinity. But if a woman does the same thing shes a "slut"? Do you not see the enormous sexism? Anger over sexism is completely understandable.

npd_reflect · 2018-12-09T20:34:42+00:00

They lose their shit because "slut" is a derogatory term.

If a man says he prefers to date women who are saving sex for marriage, because he himself is saving sex for marriage, then that is a reasonable, non-offensive dating preference.

In general, preferences aren't offensive if:

they are stated without derogatory language
they aren't hypocritical

BuzzLightGear321 · Sun Dec 9 21:18:29 2018 UTC

Because they hate personal accountability. Hence why the usually support socialism.

insultin_crayon · 2018-12-09T21:39:13+00:00

Probably because males are so damn obnoxious about women who have any preferences at all when it comes to dating. Not only that, males are incredibly hypocritical about their preferences. They want a woman with a low to no N count, while that same male may have fucked a few different girls. Those males also want a girl who will commit 100% to him, while he wants to fuck around with other women. Those same males also denigrate women who will not sleep with him and who have standards and preferences because of “dA HyPerGaMy!”

mistresswhat · 2018-12-10T00:09:42+00:00

My general opinion on men who don't want to date sluts is that they should stick with women who meet their preferences because I don't want to deal with their bullshit issues around sex/women/insecurity. And almost every time I say this, someone gets mad because a woman they don't want to date doesn't want to date them either and apparently this is cause for rage. I think it looks like a system that's working. Maybe people are just fucking sensitive about this stuff?

But yeah also don't go yelling about how proud you are of being a hypocrite and expect people not to judge you for it. Hypocrisy is undesirable.

And if you bring up constantly how gross you think the sluts are when you could just quietly date near-virgins, you're not just "expressing a preference." You're screaming into the void hoping to rile someone up. You want sluts to be upset. You're throwing a tantrum for a reason, you don't expect people to be nice about it and you'd be disappointed if they were.

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RoyalAugur92 · Mon Dec 10 0:01:02 2018 UTC

I've never seen such a visceral, antagonistic, reaction as when a man proclaims he doesn't want to date a slut. Women absolutely lose their shit.

Try telling you won't date a single mom - then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

Lauraaa9d · 2018-12-10T03:25:04+00:00

We care about the feel,the connect of heart.Women are creature of the emotions.

rainisthelife · 2018-12-10T15:33:31+00:00

The same reason men absolutely lose their shit and bitch about it when a woman says she doesn’t like short or broke guys and would reject them immediately.

JezebeltheQueen5656 · 2018-12-10T16:42:27+00:00

because a slut nowadays is any woman who had partners before him. if he aint her first she's a sloot by default. if she had three partners or less, that's already orange territory. he will multiply her number with 3 and she a sloot. game over.

why do women give males the time of day baffles me.

HardNycDom1 · 2018-12-10T23:59:13+00:00

I’ve never met a chick who was too slutty for me but I have known many who were too uptight.

I LOVE SLUTS - kinky, dirty, freaky, promiscuous sluts. I could never love a chick who wasnt a really kinky slut!!!

happycheese86 · 2018-12-09T21:56:37+00:00

When I hear "I don't want to date a slut" (hypothetically, never actually heard it myself) all I hear is "I don't want her to know how bad I am at relationships/sex/etc"

Realistically these guys that don't want to date sexually empowered women are policing their bodies before they are even in a relationship with them. One of the perks of relationships is sex, no? So you are a hypocrite for wanting the one thing you don't want women to have? Unless it's with you of course.

Yonderlander · 2018-12-09T22:58:39+00:00

It's when it is less of a 'preference' and more of a sexist double standard. A lot of men on RP want to have casual sex but also see themselves settling down when they want to, at the same time seeing women with this outlook as somehow damaged goods. Or 'sluts' (such a dated, hateful term I hate even writing it.)

Its complete bullshit, and very damaging to women having to walk this tightrope between being a confident, sexual being and worrying about being judged by men doing the exact same thing. Meanwhile the men aren't being judged at all. We all have needs, damn right we get pissed off by injustice regarding basic human needs.

Where it is an innocent matter of preference, would be if the guy wasn't being hypocritical- if he isn't into casual sex and wants someone who also isn't, that's fair and fine and I don't think anyone would be pissed about it. Do you get it?

verticordia · 2018-12-10T04:13:32+00:00

Because men's definition of slut can be very... harsh. All women can be "sluts". And if a man cares so much about women's purity or whatever, it just comes across as incel-y.

Don't come at me about STD rates and statistics about virgins making better wives or how men want to be sure their kid is theirs so sluts aren't good partners. I don't care, I'm just the messenger.

TheChemist158 · 2018-12-09T22:55:05+00:00

My question is why? Why do you care so much?

I don't.

you, personally, don't care, why do you think other women feel so passionately about this?

In my experience, it's because the guy is being an asshole about it.

I'd rather date someone with a similar history as myself

Versus

Ew, sluts are gross. Why would anyone want to date one?

One is going to offend more people then the other.

TessaBrooding · 2018-12-09T23:10:48+00:00

Meanwhile I, an average internet using non-American, am sipping tea here. Can't imagine living in a society where hookup culture is the norm.

femmagorgon · 2018-12-10T03:02:10+00:00

Meh, I don’t know. I’m 5’11 and if I mention that I prefer dating men that are taller than me, most guys fly off the handle. I have no problem with guys preferring women with big boobs, nice asses etc. Everyone should be allowed to like what they like.

[deleted] · 2018-12-09T22:48:33+00:00

I’m a guy. I wouldn’t respond angrily, but I think it’s dumb to care about somebody’s history as long as they’re honest. I’d rather a girl with 20 partners that always used condoms than a girl with 5 partners but 3 of them were cheating on their boyfriends with no condoms

ThatMan11997 · 2018-12-10T01:23:21+00:00

The brutal truth is that. If the man is good-looking enough. All women are sluts.

Title	Q4W: Why do women care so much about male dating preferences?
Author	_Neon_Shadow_
Upvotes	95
Comments	469
Date	December 9, 2018 8:06 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	/r/PurplePillDebate
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-why-do-women-care-so-much-about-male-dating.258633 https://theredarchive.com/post/258633
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/a4o7cx/q4w_why_do_women_care_so_much_about_male_dating/