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Q4W: Why do you like being submissive?

_Neon_Shadow_
March 11, 2021
7 upvotes
/r/PurplePillDebate

If you don't consider yourself submissive, no need to answer. I struggle to understand what women get out of being submissive to a man in a relationship. Even after being in a few dom/sub relationships, I still don't get it. I know some women love the passion of being "taken," but outside of that, idk. Is it just your nature? Are there any actual benefits? Please enlighten me.

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Post Information
Title Q4W: Why do you like being submissive?
Author _Neon_Shadow_
Upvotes 7
Comments 83
Date March 11, 2021 3:53 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit /r/PurplePillDebate
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-why-do-you-like-being-submissive.768153
https://theredarchive.com/post/768153
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/m2h6q8/q4w_why_do_you_like_being_submissive/
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Comments

[–]LeatherDifference583 8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I've always had equal relationships and that's always worked well for me. I like taking charge of my own life and hate having decision s made on my behalf.

The ONLY exception is ordering food and sex.

I can never decide what to eat so it's imperative that the man makes that decision for me (or a waiter if we're at a restaurant).

I love being submissive in the bedroom for reasons I can't explain. I just love a hunky man that takes complete control. Yum yum yum.

I can't explain it anymore than I can explain liking chocolate

[–]xFallacyx69 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Where are you able to order both food and sex? Asking for a friend of course...

[–]LeatherDifference583 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I actually jokingly call my lover 'dickeroo' (a play on the word 'deliveroo' which is a food delivery company.

I call him up some nights and he cycles over to fuck me silly and then goes home again XD

[–]xFallacyx69 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dick delivery service

[–]rosesonthefloor 10 points11 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I want to both implicitly and explicitly trust that my partner has my best interest at heart, and that they’ll take care of me emotionally/physically. With a dominant partner, I get that. The sex is real hot too. I’m a pleaser, through and through, and it comforts me to know that by doing what my partner says/wants, I am pleasing them (because they’re getting what they want).

I also work a pretty demanding job so it’s kinda nice to turn that part of my brain off so I can focus on someone else. Taking care of them like they take care of me.

For me, it’s always been my nature. I love being deferent/supportive/submissive to an intelligent and thoughtful man with good judgement 😍 But it’s really only something that comes out in my personal relationships.

Benefits include not having to stress about bigger problems, and having clear guidelines for what’s expected of you (something I thrive on). Also, hot sex.

[–]_Neon_Shadow_[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Hmm, well... when you put it like that, I can understand. Still a bit weird to me, but whatever.

[–]Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Do you consider a female who listens and respects her significant other as submissive or are you talking about kinks ? The question is very open to interpretations in my opinion.

[–]_Neon_Shadow_[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Do you consider a female who listens and respects her significant other as submissive?

Nah.

Or are you talking about kinks?

Not necessarily but even if its a kink, your opinion is still important and relevant.

The question is very open to interpretations in my opinion.

Yeah, my bad.

[–]Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Interesting read .

[–]queenpinhead2 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It feels nice to let someone have control if I see them worthy of it

[–]Ananek 2 points3 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

It may not be anything specific, being submissive is a fetish so men and woman have them the same way. The thing is, being sub by a woman is considered in patriarchy something normal and many women are just taught to be like that. On the other side a sub man is considered weird. There is no one way of explaning a fetish, being a sub is a fetish.

[–]AldabruzzoJust.. Red 4 points5 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

being submissive is a fetish

That depends on what you mean by "submissive".

[–]Ananek -1 points0 points  (14 children) | Copy Link

In my opinion, and that is still just my opinion, I'm no psychologist, being submissive in every way is a fetish. It is the same when a women or men are lying on their back all the time and don't literally get on top of their partner and it is their way of showing the subbmision and it is the same when you are a literal sex slave for someone of your on will. When I say the same I mean, that it all is a fetish and fetishes are more like our likings, I can't say why I like the color blue, I just like it, I can't say why I get turned on by sybmissive guys, I just like it. Yes, obv it is not as simple and you can seek more information about your sexuality looking at your self esteem, your childhood, your gender and many more but the most simple answer why someone may like to be submissive is just "because".

[–]AldabruzzoJust.. Red 4 points5 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

I disagree that submission is always a fetish.

Most women are reflexively submissive to men they're sexually attracted to. That's not a fetish, it's a natural state of being and a natural response by WOMEN to sexually attractive MEN.

Male submission to women is a fetish, that I'll give you.

[–]thimo50 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Men and women aren't all that different. Most women tend to be more submissive because society set the standard for them to be that way. This is the same shit with pink, dreses, make-up, being emotional, submissive and so on. That's not in women's nature. Society created that stereotype. Most of our behavior is learned not instinctive, so if society didn't teach men to be dominant and women to be submissive, the numbers would balance out a lot.

[–]Ananek -1 points0 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Well I can't agree with you that it is anything reflexively. Yes, we humans are animals but in the nature on it's own females are not always submissive. Furthermore, humans are not like the other animals, we have highly developed brains, wich we use and for a really long time now we don't need human females to be submissive in order to reproduce. It is a bit od patriarchy thinking that a natural female reaction is being subbmisive to a man that a female is attracted to therefore the submission of a woman became a choice that has the same value as a choice of a man being submissive. If you call a sub man a fetish then a sub woman is also a fetish. A man doesn't nedd to be on top to fertilize a woman so the natural reflex of woman being a sub is not natural anymore, it is a choice, it is a fetish.

[–]AldabruzzoJust.. Red 1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

We have developed brains but still have that "lizard brain" which drives us more than people think.

It is a bit od patriarchy thinking that a natural female reaction is being subbmisive to a man that a female is attracted to therefore the submission of a woman became a choice that has the same value as a choice of a man being submissive.

No. It's nature. It has nothing to do with pay tree ark ee.

If you call a sub man a fetish then a sub woman is also a fetish.

No. You would be wrong about that. Women are naturally submissive to men they're sexually attracted to. They can't help it. They just do it. I've seen it. It's a remarkable thing to see.

A man doesn't nedd to be on top to fertilize a woman so the natural reflex of woman being a sub is not natural anymore, it is a choice, it is a fetish.

This has nothing to do with anything - "being on top"? What are you going on about?

[–]Ananek 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy Link

I respect the fact, that you have an opinion, I have mine. You state, that humans psychological intelligence is lizard like, okay. Using an argument ,,I've seen something" is not an argument. Human females- woman are not naturally submissive anymore. Sub women are the majority but it is because of patriarchy, way of upbringing, stereotypes ect.

[–]AldabruzzoJust.. Red 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You can have your opinion. I am disagreeing with it.

,,I've seen something" is not an argument.

Yes it is. Because I'm not the only one who has seen it. Observation is evidence. All you're really saying here is "I don't like your argument". Your baseless, evidence-less disagreement with my argument does not make my argument a non-argument.

Human females- woman are not naturally submissive anymore.

Unadulterated bullshit. Easily disproven through field observation.

Sub women are the majority but it is because of patriarchy, way of upbringing, stereotypes ect.

No. Sub women are the majority because that's what they naturally are and because it's what they want.

[–]Cataclysma324 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

field observation.

My field observation does not disprove it. Observations are not necessarily objective because one may subjectively interpret what happens if they are not rigorously applying the scientific method

[–]Ananek -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Okay

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]Ananek 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Straight is majority but it is deep down rooted in our minds. Being straight is natural becausw of the procreation. Still, in your, I don't know from, statistics I think there is no pkace for people who are hiding. I'm happy for you that in your world people are accepting but it's not as popular as you think. The Internet is accepting, but that's because often really conservative people are these, that don't live in the Internet. The thing that is really natural looking at the behavior of animalr around us is being bi. The last thing is, I don't know why you bring up argument about the percent of human sex in a post about why majority of woman is sub. On the outside it may seem really alike but it's not. Do you live in a conservative society, where carriera women are called not-woman and they are support to be housewifes? Answer yourself.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]flapperfemmefataleew gender roles 1 point2 points  (15 children) | Copy Link

I'm only submissive in bed. In the relationship more broadly, I like things equal.

[–]colgateexpert 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Said every submissive woman ever

[–]flapperfemmefataleew gender roles 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

?

[–]TheBookOfSeilSentient penis with arms and legs 4 points5 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

That usually means you only speak out on things that you don't like but still expect or wait for your partner to do almost everything first.

[–]NarniaFox 2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Not the user you were talking to, but deeply egalitarian. And no, it doesn't mean what you're implying it does.

Considering major plans and decisions I believe that partners should discuss them together and look for the best variant suitable for both of them.

I'm okay with dividing minor decisions accordingly to one's knowledges. My husband is by far better at choosing gadgets, fixing them etc., so he makes all decisions about them. He still asks my opinion though before some major purchases and I value that. He's also better at navigating, so he's the one choosing the road and taking us to places where we've never been before. I'm better at long-term planning, so although we make major plans together I usually plan them in details, mind our deadlines, do paper work etc and, of course, I still discuss them with my husband. So...it's most about delegating and not leading, I guess.

[–]TheBookOfSeilSentient penis with arms and legs 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Right, but like I said, it sounds like the husband is still doing the leading in most areas and you're doing the secondary planning after getting the decision/agreement from him.

Even if people claim to be "egalitarian," I know better than to think/believe that it's all equal. People seem to naturally fall into their roles and stereotypical behaviors no matter how much they think they're doing equal work or putting in equal effort.

[–]NarniaFox 8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

...I'm really curious how you've read my comment and come up to this conclusion. As I've said we make all major decisions together, there's no leader here. Discussing things together != getting the decision from just one partner.

[–]TheBookOfSeilSentient penis with arms and legs 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

There's a difference between discussing things equally and seeking approval from someone.

Also, I was just speaking generally. You say that you're very egalitarian but odds are that it isn't exactly equal how these scenarios play out in your relationship. I imagine that one person is still initiating and "leading" more than the other, even if you make all major decisions together, and that's usually the guy because that is part of our role as men.

[–]NarniaFox 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Ah, you forgot that I'm from Russia. Whatever dudes here believe about Russian men, they usually opt out from any major decision making and it's women who take a leader's role. Even among couples who are into traditional roles it's really common, they just pretend that their husbands are their "captains" or whatever.

And no, we discuss things, not seek approval. We have some really life-changing plans, so it's important that both of us are invested in them to make it work,

[–]TheBookOfSeilSentient penis with arms and legs 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yeah, I'm not that familiar with Russian cultural dynamics but as traditional as most of them seem, I would expect the men to either be calling most of the shots, or being so traditional that they don't want to be bothered with anything at all except anything to do work work or drinking.

[–]NarniaFox 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's usually the second although people do want to make others to believe that it's the first.

[–]flapperfemmefataleew gender roles 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Um...nope? Where are you getting that from?

[–]TheBookOfSeilSentient penis with arms and legs 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

General trends in behavior.

[–]flapperfemmefataleew gender roles 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Well you know what they say about people who assume lol

[–]TheBookOfSeilSentient penis with arms and legs 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It would be okay for me to assume this because the odds would be in my favor. Its not like I'm taking a shot in the dark by guessing the exact date of your birthday. Trends prevail and behavioral studies prove these things.

[–]flapperfemmefataleew gender roles 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Uh-huh

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[–]Mustbeaightmisogyny is a relegion and i am its Jesus 3 points4 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Lol if lol I’d be surprised if you get replies.. the sub is full of feminists and if there is one word they hate it is the word « submissive »

[–][deleted]  (6 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]NarniaFox 3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Feminism is about choice, you know. So as long as it's your own choice it's okay to be a SAHM, trad woman or whatever else including practicing kinks. One just should be aware of the risks and possible consequences of their choices.

[–]Kaisha001 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

LOL no... Feminists attack any woman who doesn't 'toe the line'. Just look at Gina Carano, the poster child for 'strong woman', but since she doesn't buy into victimhood/SJW culture, gotta cancel her. So much for her 'choice'.

[–]NarniaFox 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I have no idea who Gina Carano is. And surely there are feminists who are happy to attack another woman for not confirming to their beliefs, but it isn't what feminism is and I think they should be called out for doing so.

[–]Kaisha001 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Attacking others who disagree has been a core feminist belief since they were suffragettes.

[–]NarniaFox 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Attacking others isn't a belief to begin with. And no, it isn't in the core of feminism.

[–]flapperfemmefataleew gender roles 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Huh, I thought conservatives liked the free market lol

[–]Marketing_BaboonRed Pill Man 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Can only answer on behalf of my girlfriend, but she’s said it’s because it makes her feel safe and secure. It takes a lot of the burden of everyday life off her shoulders, at the cost of needing to trust me to take care of it for the both of us.

[–]Laytheblameonluck 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

A lot of women say they like men to be dominant, but that should not be confused with BDSM. Most women don't like the humiliation aspect of BDSM and it is important for men to respect that and not cross boundaries or push them on this.

For that reason, BDSM is not a good model for what women are often trying to explain. Instead the circular model of desire by Rosemary Basson is a better model, this includes the concept of Responsive Desire.

[–]NarniaFox 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Oh, I'll listen to it too. Outside of it being a kink for some people I don't get it either.

[–]geyges🐇 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

You're saying that like sexual kinks exist in a vacuum and have no relation to real life.

Women love dominant men. It's a social hierarchy thing. Most dominant male = best mate. It's not much more complicated than that.

[–]NarniaFox 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I've meant that I get that some people can get off to different things, but I don't get the allure of it in your day to day life. Kinks are for bedroom, I wouldn't build my whole life around it.

[–]_Neon_Shadow_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Right? I've said this exact thing countless times. Its fun in the bedroom but outside of that... pass.

[–]athrowaway283222blue is my fav color 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

definitely agreed

[–]cast-away-ramadi06 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm a dominant man but I prefer women who don't usually like to be submissive. I want them to trust in me and my leadership but also keep my on my toes like a good XO or Sr NCO helps a Commander.

[–]athrowaway283222blue is my fav color 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

keep my on my toes like a good XO or Sr NCO helps a Commander.

haha i like that

[–]YouSaidChicken 2 points3 points  (16 children) | Copy Link

Women are lazy and don't participate in relationships.

Why would they be dominant? That would require leadership, decision making, and accountabilty.

[–]rosesonthefloor 3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Not everyone can be a leader. The world needs followers, too. Nothing wrong with that.

[–]YouSaidChicken 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

No, nothing is wrong with that. But women rarely are in leadership roles, because women are rarely leaders.

And let me be clear, it isn't anyone preventing them from being leaders, they simply aren't as an aggregate leaders.

[–]rosesonthefloor 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

If you don’t think women can be leaders, you’ve never met an old Italian mother! Haha.

All jokes aside, our view of leadership is the hyper-masculine, strong, corporate/capitalist ideal. Leadership takes many forms - statistically, most nonprofit/community org leaders are women. Are they not all leaders, even when they’re leading organizations from tiny grassroots groups to huge corporations? Although I do agree that on average, men tend to aspire to leadership roles at much higher rates than women. Men tend to gravitate more to the jobs we see as the “leadership ideal” whereas women gravitate more to supportive positions.

I also don’t think that means women don’t participate in relationships, more that the way we view the differing contributions is skewed (i.e. the devaluation of domestic/care work).

[–]GrandRub 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

everyone should be a leader ... the world doesnt need followers... why do you think the world needs "followers"?

the world needs independant people.. who only lead themselves and follow themselves.

[–]rosesonthefloor 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Our entire world is based upon hierarchical systems where someone makes the decisions and others carry out those decisions. And any good leader/manager knows how to delegate. When a president signs an executive order, they’re not the one to handle the minutia of making it happen. CEOs don’t handle customer service. Generals don’t fight on the front lines. L

Even back to hunter-gatherer tribes you still had tribe elders or whatever. People should be personally independent, I completely agree! But if everyone in the world was a “leader” the world wouldn’t function. If you decided to be a leader and make your own laws for your country... how do you think that would work when the cops who answer to a different leader come knocking?

[–]GrandRub 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Our entire world is based upon hierarchical systems where someone makes the decisions and others carry out those decisions.

yeah. and our entire world is fucked up.

[–]rosesonthefloor 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Haha I don’t disagree with you there.

[–]athrowaway283222blue is my fav color 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

there's tons of dommes out there 😐may not be the norm, sure, but i don't think submissive women is really the western norm anymore either.

[–]YouSaidChicken 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

That's primarily financial dommes. Actually sexual dommes rarely exist. In fact the main thing is that they don't have sex with their submissives.

[–]athrowaway283222blue is my fav color 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

there's so many sexual dommes are you kidding 😭take a look at the bisexual female population (even though most bisexual people still date the opposite gender)-- plenty of women are into sexual domination.

edit: i feel kind of confident that, though they are nowhere close to the majority of women either way, sexual dommes outnumber financial dommes.

[–]vov1n 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

there's so many sexual dommes are you kidding

No there are not fortunately, there are much more male subs than dommes.

[–]athrowaway283222blue is my fav color 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

i think there are a lot of male switches, if not the majority of men lmao as in they're adaptable to their partner. even though i think most women are either just vanilla or submissive, there's also a decent number of female switches or dommes, i think one would just need to get comfortable for that though, women can be adaptable too. just what i hear around me

[–]vov1n 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

Who cares about all that, most of the women are sexually submissive

[–]athrowaway283222blue is my fav color 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

most people are just adaptable to their partners i think

[–]_Neon_Shadow_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

i don't think submissive women is really the western norm anymore either.

Give her some good dick and she'll be submissive real fast 😂

[–]_Neon_Shadow_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I mean...

[–]801735 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

*diiing goes the new batch of popcorn producing microwave

[–]ariesv123Purple Pill Woman 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I take control of everything in my life so it’s nice to have someone else lead for once, but in a nonaggresive way

[–]chalkandapples 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

My personality is at least passive because authority figures (eg. parents, mentors, older cousins or friends etc.) has always been very kind and had my best interests at heart. Generally if I go along or trust what they say the result is always good. So I just built a habit of being quite agreeable because it always worked for me. And other people react to this very positively.

In a relationship I am generally passive until I have to take control of something for one reason or another. I don't really think it's submissive because I see it as me handing over the car for him to drive but I can take the car back at any time. I just default to being quite passive since others has always taken care of me very well so I trust them.

[–]_Neon_Shadow_[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ok I think I see a pattern.

[–]GGMcThroway 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Variety is the spice of life. It's nice being able to turn my brain off and have someone else focus on my pleasure. It's easier to "let go" when you don't have to think about it.

I'll note that I'm the dominant one more often than not, though.

[–]06534956 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I wouldn’t call it submission, I prefer to use the term surrender.

I don’t want to control or change anyone, or argue, or try to convince someone to do or be anything. Things and people and situations simply are. I don’t want to carry that kind of mental load, you know?

It’s imperative that I know that he has my best interests at heart, otherwise I can’t surrender to him. That’s not safe. That comes with time and him proving over and over that he is safe and wants me to be happy.

I’m not passive or a doormat, I have my standards and my desires. If my man asks me where I want to go to dinner, I’ll tell him. If he asks me what I want for Christmas, I’ll tell him. I don’t feel any type of weirdness or passivity when it comes to this because I know he will do what I ask.

It’s about letting go of the fear and anxiety because I know that he has my back. He knows what I want and need, and he will give it to me.

[–]CoffeeandTeaOGRed Pill Woman 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am 100% a submissive. I get joy and validation from taking care of a man “like their mother” (or so I’ve been told that’s what it is). Cooking for them, preparing their plate and taking it when they’re done, refilling their drinks... those things are automatic when you’re a man I’m attracted to. We don’t need to be having sex or be in a romantic relationship for that to be true. I guess it’s my nature in that case? It’s not something I make a conscious decision to do necessarily. Things like letting them kick back and me do all the chores is an earned submissive role though. I don’t innately enjoy those care tasks. If I’m willing to do your laundry it’s love, you’ve earned that. The perk is that those kind of men are also very driven towards protection and appreciation. They then take care of me in other ways. I quite enjoy being babied and the mental break I get when a man treats me gently (outside the bedroom... what are us little girls good for if not being tossed around like a dodgeball in the bedroom? lol) and plays into my fragility. It’s really nice and helps me care for my mental health in a way I couldn’t do for myself, at least not voluntarily. If I put in work they’re willing to (and I do not feel guilty about it or like I’m using them) help me do the things I can’t or won’t do well because of my anxiety such as order for me at restaurants because I’m shy and quiet or help me make decisions when my brain is too busy. A gentle form of control, if you will. I like being controlled, not in a harsh way that inhibits me but in a way that I can trust that someone else makes better choices for me than I do. If I need someone else to put forth mental labor for me because I’m unable to do so for myself, I better be putting forth effort that serves them in some capacity.

[–]Det_Steve_Sloan 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

A lot of replies in here about 'turning off' and 'letting go', alluding to putting on a fake alpha act elsewhere. I wonder if most women and/or feminists realize that men can smell these acts from forty paces, whether it's a man or a woman putting on a front. Too often it reeks of effort.

It has made for some horrific HR cringe in my time.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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