The reason dating is so difficult is generally because of how shallow we are

wtknight · 2020-02-29T12:47:39+00:00

I'm just saying if physical looks were less of a factor a lot more people would pair off (or not).

Physical looks are important though. They’re considered a sign of genetic fitness in all animal species. Of course, they are not the only sign of attractiveness, but I don’t think that wanting a partner who looks good should be considered “shallow.”

M4sterDis4ster · 2020-02-29T14:36:49+00:00

Biology is shallow, so is sexual selection. As much as we are sentient beings with free will, we are also slaves of our biological imperatives. You cannot help yourself what you find attractive and what traits will turn you off. It is involountarily. "Selfish gene" by Dawkins explains this very well.

Women can sniff your body smell and know if you are complementary candidate for her kids (subconciously).

All the social statuses today means shit, because we live at times of peace, no hunger and jobs everywhere. The only thing which cuts and makes difference is looks, pure biological fitness for survival.

NarniaFox · 2020-02-29T12:39:26+00:00

I tend to agree with the shallow part, but not in a way you turned it. I think that the main problem is lack of communication. People tend not to talk honestly about their intentions and even if they do they often aren't taken seriously. If everyone was honest with others and themselves about what they're looking for and if we actually listen to each others, life would be so much easier for everyone. You're looking for ONS, great, but I want LTR. You want a big family with kids, good for you, but it won't work out, I'm a childfree, oh, we'are attracted to each other and our plans are similar? Bingo!

rossionq1 · 2020-02-29T13:18:18+00:00

Multiple times in my life I have met women I wasn’t physically attracted to but liked their personality. Over time, I found them physically attractive because of the nonphysical attraction that developed. I’ve always felt those were the ones I should pursue as our physical appearances go to shit eventually.

naamshiko · 2020-02-29T13:44:19+00:00

I mean it is 100% logical if we look at it from a biological point of view.

If we are going to mate with someone, not only we will want our offspring to have the best genes, but we also want someone with attractive features in order to get sexually aroused to do the deed.

((I am NOT saying EVERYTHING should be based on physical appearance btw)).

Thought that was common sense. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sir_manalot · 2020-02-29T12:25:23+00:00

Actually, men prefer there equal for relationships.

Which is why studies like this exist: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.beautyheaven.com.au/body-health/sex/do-guys-prefer-average-girls%3famp

Even that okcupid study shows this. As while men are shallow, we are not that picky and would gladly get with a below average women if her personality was good enough and she was giving enough.

Women on the other hand are very picky, so there shallowness is much more of a issue. Which is why the okcupid

To be clear, you do not see men saying “must have DDD breasts, be a virgin with the sex experience of a goddess and is filthy rich,”. like we see with women’s standard requirements (besides trolls and a small minority of men ofc).

So if women were less picky, relationships would be a lot happier for everyone.

Which makes sense because women have ALL the power in modern dating. So they also have all the responsibility (even though they will always try to escape it).

exit_sandman · 2020-02-29T12:56:20+00:00

I'm just saying if physical looks were less of a factor a lot more people would pair off (or not).

That having fewer boxes to check makes dating easier is kind of a nobrainer, though.

2020-02-29T18:01:18+00:00

No. The reason dating is so difficult is because communication is poor and people arent honest.

Just read any dating profile.

Also dating apps are terrible for searching.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2020-02-29T14:12:53+00:00

And if your grandma had balls shed be your grandpa, whats the point of this

There is nothing LESS shallow than looks, looks reveal your genes and ancestry and often SES and personality as well. Looks determine what our children will be like

grand_tiremaster · 2020-02-29T16:40:36+00:00

Well, I’ve seen really pretty women married and taken care of by men who look like goofy caricatures. But these couples seem to LAST. Even my mom was way better looking than my dad and they were together for 40+ years. I know the most pretty and most caring ISFJ whose husband is no where near a 10/10 chad, but their passion is there and she loves her husband.

And I’m pretty sure we’ve all seen the good looking hunk with the overweight whale of a wife, with his 6 kids. But I bet that landwhale is nurturing af and loves her kids.

MDBVer2 · 2020-02-29T12:26:24+00:00

The simple fact of the matter is what we view as conventionally attractive is often a collection of social pressures and expectations set by our peers. Look across the wider world, and you'll find that what counts as attractive can differ wildly between populations. It is up to each individual to break these standards down in their own minds and learn what they, personally find attractive in other human beings, instead of trying to the "hawt" one in order to impress others.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2020-02-29T13:30:31+00:00

Dating is not difficult

SDW137 · 2020-02-29T17:57:19+00:00

I think that online dating and social media have skewed people's standards. They're more picky and have higher standards than they did 20 years ago.

2020-02-29T18:11:28+00:00

Well yeah. If the point of dating is to find one person to spend the rest of your life with, you'd want to find the best quality person. That means having ALL the best traits, both deep and shallow. The shallowest ones are simply the easiest to see and filter out.

Trust me, if we all had the innate ability to see who was a good person and who wasn't, right off the bat, the world would be a much simpler place.

12112019 · 2020-03-01T00:15:28+00:00

Why should people sacrifice them selves for the others, if a man or a woman doesn't find someone attractive why should they pair with him/her?

pizzzzaman · 2020-03-01T03:41:16+00:00

KazROFL · 2020-03-01T05:20:04+00:00

It would be a lot easier if nearly 50% of the population was not overweight.

Ilivetowork · 2020-03-01T13:19:49+00:00

Guys even more than women . Women will settle for unattractive stable guy and love them but guys are always chasing the hottest chick with no career . I’m honestly surprised men don’t see the relationship between marrying the pretty girl with no job and paying a ton of alimony (divorce rape)

DerekMorganBAU · 2020-02-29T13:52:48+00:00

This shit been a breeze for me don't make claims just cause you hurtin.

CG8514 · 2020-02-29T16:01:20+00:00

It’s not shallow to want a physically attractive partner. I feel like the only people who complain about people overemphasizing looks are people that aren’t all that good looking. Yes, I want a good looking partner because I need to be heavily physically attracted to them for the relationship to work. There are obviously personality characteristics that are very important as well, but it won’t work if I’m not heavily physically attracted to you. I’ve been there, and I’ll never do it again because it negatively affected the relationship for both of us.

NixieNik99 · 2020-02-29T18:37:17+00:00

Men and women have always had sexual physical preferences for centuries . The only thing that's changed is now women have choices and rights . Their dad's no longer pick out the suitors like generations ago . Which now gives females the upper hand . Why settle for bologna if you could possibly have filet mignon it just doesn't make any sense... Seems to me people just need to accept that maybe you are not a persons choice . Society promised you nothing . Real life is hard . Not all people should reproduce .

Sid_Insidious · 2020-02-29T18:12:32+00:00

Women put on makeup, take "from up high" selfies, use photo editing techniques and sometimes even puppy ears and bunny noses to make themselves appear as an 8 when they're maybe a solid 5. But, they're settling for no less than an 8 now. But that's ok. They'll have boxed wine for the pain and cats to keep them company! lololol.

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2020-02-29T15:37:41+00:00

If we were designed by god then yes. But we were designed by evolution and what has worked, stayed. Including attraction.

nasuits90 · 2020-02-29T16:12:16+00:00

Interesting theory, and I appreciate your using "we" putting yourself into the mix as well, instead of using "people".

Recently I have been thinking that one of the root causes - if not "the" root cause - might be The Paradox of Choice.

If you're not familiar with TPOC, the ELI is as follow: imagine being in need of toothpaste, you go to the local grocery store and they have 2, 3, 4 choices of toothpaste. You think about it a few seconds, make your selection, and off you go with your new tube of toothpaste. The likelihood of you being satisfied with your choice is very high.

In a parallel universe when you go to the grocery store, you have hundreds of choices, it takes you a while to figure out which one(s) to pick, and - once you've made your choice - the likelihood of you being satisfied with your choice is very low.

In the dating market how many possible choices does an individual believes they have? In their belief system Prince Henry is a possibility so are all the IG THOT(s)' So many ideal and possibilities, so hard to make a choice ...and the likelihood of being satisfied with the choice once made... very low, because all the other possibilities are still highly visible.

Is that shallowness? One could argue that there's a lot of overlapping between shallowness and TPOC, or that they are related/correlated.

One thing is for sure: we are stuck with the status quo, which is the product of the current mega-trends that are continuing undisturbed.

Buckle up, we're going to see more of what we see now, just exacerbated by the compounding effects.

katiesaysthings · 2020-02-29T19:44:18+00:00

So what are you wanting to do about it? Evolutionary preferences don’t care about our feelings.

Logandanielsboi · 2020-02-29T20:49:06+00:00

This sounds like desperate man talk. Women treat men like shit and yet guys still chase

2020-02-29T22:11:05+00:00

A person can be both good and evil, just depends on environment, and individual reasoning. People as a whole are shitty degenerates who want their own interests to come first (basic survival). This can be applied to a dating on wide scale.

Individuals aren't too shallow in their own, and will gladly date someone average if they vibe, and LTRs can form if yall both enjoy each others company and the timing in life lines up. On the wider scale of dating people tend to not know each other well when first meeting on a date, and thus vibes may not be found, and instead it's easier to see a persons looks then traits, making a relationship harder to form, and perpetuating the shallow trend we can observe on the larger scale (in regards to dates).

At least with relationships that form outside of dating apps or setups is the persona of a potential life long mate can improve how one sees a person, and makes the relationships more likely to succeed and be fulfilling.

Or maybe the vast majority of people only do care about looks and those of us who only want to marry someone we enjoy being around and like talking to are the abnormal freaks.

I hope this wording was coherent, and if it wasnt I will try to explain it.

DrMcFoxyMD · 2020-02-29T22:20:49+00:00

I think the issue here lies in the fact that you are asking people to somewhat transcend their biological desires. I agree with you and have found unattractive people more attractive after getting to know them. I'm not a very surface type of person, though, and an interesting life has led me to try and see people for who they actually are rather than the face they were born with, through no choice of their own.

I think what we have to remember is there will always be someone "better" than us or our partner. Don't settle for less than what you want with behaviors, goals, etc. Like, I will not be with a man with no drive to succeed and no skills, or without a well paying job. I also require intelligence and thoughtfulness. I'm not saying to settle, but at some point find a person who you love, body and soul, and be with them and be content. Loving someone truly and deeply is one of the most rewarding things I have ever experienced in life.

I'm a romantic, however. I believe that, through meaningful choice, one can transcend the bounds of biological, primitive desires and find a greater, more fulfilling life. Yes, a lot of men and women both make decision based upon looks, and I find my husband extremely attractive (it's necessary as well) but I think people should be more realistic in what they find attractive.

We are all humans, and humans are not perfect. Every single human body on this earth has some weird bump, or lump, or growth, or does something weird. Some people have fat rolls, some have big feet, some people's ears stick out. Whoever's soul resonates with yours, love their fat rolls and their weird bumps. You have them too.

2020-02-29T23:19:34+00:00

dates are overrated.

with every girl i liked, I'd never ask to a date. id invite them to a social event where she would bring some friends, and id bring some friends and we would hang out. (a rave, when i was young. a concert. a BBQ, a hidden food joint...) never just the 2 of us)

it is so laid back that way, and there's never discomfort.

Physiologist21 · 2020-03-01T00:14:23+00:00

OddButton6 · 2020-03-01T00:53:03+00:00

Absolutely! Average Joe's and Jane’s will struggle in dating. Yes people are shallow, it’s everywhere. The workplace, going out, etc.

PunctuationsOptional · 2020-03-01T02:32:05+00:00

Also the fact that there's thousands of prospects these days. Go back 50 years and it's a lot less people to date. 100 years and it's very few in comparison.

Now if you only have like 20-50 people to date, your first crush/love isn't so bad and easy to settle for. Now the options are near endless so it's hard to say yeah this is the one

Sid_Insidious · 2020-03-01T04:53:16+00:00

Average people won't settle for other average people these days because they have "online shopping anxiety" where they feel terrified that whatever (or whoever) they choose was a bad choice because a better choice was a click away. I used to be really happy being with an equally happy mediocre female who liked fucking, watching movies and eating chinese food. Now, I have to be some "best version of myself" rock star to get a date with an average female and I'm like. Meh. I'd rather masturbate and drink beer.

bluntbutnottoo · 2020-02-29T12:36:13+00:00

[deleted]

NixieNik99 · 2020-02-29T18:41:11+00:00

Like my husband said. No man really wants to screw a personality .... I totally agree with his analogy . Cause I never wanted to screw a personality myself . It's about looks sad but so very true .

kafka123 · 2020-02-29T15:56:53+00:00

Yes, but "shallowness" suggests it's always within our self-control. It's like saying that if you only forced yourself to find junk food disgusting instead of delicious, you'd lose weight. In reality, this "shallowness" isn't really within our own self-control.

Title	The reason dating is so difficult is generally because of how shallow we are
Author	nasuits90
Upvotes	208
Comments	272
Date	February 29, 2020 12:01 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/fbbl2d/the_reason_dating_is_so_difficult_is_generally/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/the-reason-dating-is-so-difficult-is-generally.341345 https://theredarchive.com/post/341345