MORNING. WOMAN WAKES UP IN HER MILLION DOLLAR MANSION. SHE FINDS GREY HAIRS IN HER BED. THEN SHE LOOKS AT HER BEDSIDE MIRROR AND SEES HER FACE IS FULL OF WRINKLES.
WOMAN: Oh no, I've turned thirty. My life is ruined.
WOMAN GETS READY FOR THE DAY AND CHANGES INTO HER WEDDING DRESS. AFTER BREAKFAST THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. WOMAN OPENS IT AND FINDS A BUNCH OF REPO MEN OUTSIDE.
HEAD REPO MAN: We're here to re-possess your entire mansion.
WOMAN: But why?
HEAD REPO MAN: Because you've just turned thirty. Now you have got about five minutes to leave.
WOMAN: I can't go out now.
HEAD REPO MAN: I've got a paper bag in my truck if you want to use that?
WOMAN ROLLS HER EYES AND LEAVES THE MANSION. WALKING THE STREETS IN HER WEDDING DRESS SHE SUDDENLY NOTICES HOW CROWDED EVERYWHERE IS.
WOMAN: Wow, I never knew there were so many men in this city. Yuck! I better go and marry one of my Chads.
WOMAN WALKS OVER TO CHAD NUMBER ONE'S HOUSE. IT IS LOCKED. THEN SHE WALKS OVER TO CHAD NUMBER TWO'S HOUSE. IT IS LOCKED. THEN SHE WALKS OVER TO CHAD NUMBER THREE'S HOUSE. THAT IS ALSO LOCKED. FINALLY, SHE WALKS OVER TO CHAD NUMBER FOUR'S HOUSE, OPENS THE DOOR, AND FINDS CHAD NUMBER FOUR ABOUT TO FUCK AN EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD CHEERLEADER.
WOMAN: Chad, what are you doing? I thought you and I were meant to be together.
CHAD NUMBER FOUR: You are getting too old for me, woman.
WOMAN: But you're five years older than me.
CHAD NUMBER FOUR: Hey, I don't make the rules.
WOMAN: I really thought you were better than this, Chad number four.
CHAD NUMBER FOUR: I would have thought the fact that I have a long criminal record, cheated on you numerous times, and stole money from you so that I could buy a mirror for my bedroom roof would have tipped you off. Now if you'll excuse me I'm about to help Candi celebrate her high school graduation in style.
WOMAN LEAVES CHAD NUMBER FOUR'S HOUSE IN TEARS. AFTER GETTING SOME LUNCH FROM A NEARBY BIN SHE WALKS OVER TO THE LIBRARY. THERE SHE LOGS ON TO A COMPUTER AND GOES ON REDDIT WHERE SHE IS IGNORED. NOT EVEN A SINGLE DICK PIC IN HER INBOX. SHE THEN GOES TO TINDER WHERE SHE FINDS SHE HAS NO MATCHES OR NO MESSAGES.
WOMAN: Oh no, I'm going to stay single forever unless I find a rich beta bux to fund me.
WOMAN THEN LEAVES THE LIBRARY AND HAS HER DINNER AT A BIN. SHE THEN MAKES HER WAY OVER TO A NIGHTCLUB IN THE HOPE OF SNARING A RICH BETABUX MAN TO FUND HER LIFESTYLE. BUT BEFORE SHE CAN GET IN SHE IS STOPPED BY A BOUNCER.
NIGHTCLUB BOUNCER: Madam, the retirement home is about five blocks over.
WOMAN: Retirement home? But i'm only thirty.
NIGHTCLUB BOUNCER: I think they're running their nightly bingo games before they all go to bed. You can still get yourself a game if you hurry.
WOMAN: Can't I just spend at least five minutes in there?
NIGHTCLUB BOUNCER: Sorry, Madam, no can do. We tried that once but found that the walking frames you old people used got in the way of the younger dancers.
WOMAN SIGHED AND TURNED AWAY. WALKING DOWN THE CITY STREETS SHE SPOTS AN AVERAGE MAN GETTING OUT OF A LIMO.
WOMAN: Excuse me, how much do you earn a year?
AVERAGE MAN: About a million a year.
WOMAN: Yuck, poverty city!
WOMAN WALKS ON. A FEW MINUTES LATER A HELICOPTER LANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET AND AN AVERAGE MAN WEARING GLASSES STEPS OUT. WOMAN WALKS UP TO HIM, MAKING SURE THAT HE CAN GET A GOOD LOOK AT HER BOOBS.
WOMAN: Excuse me, how much do you earn?
AVERAGE MAN WHO WEARS GLASSES: About a billion dollars a year.
WOMAN: Hmm, that'll do I guess. How would you like to be my husband?
AVERAGE MAN WHO WEARS GLASSES: It would be an honour, your highness.
AVERAGE MAN WHO WEARS GLASSES AND WOMAN HOP INTO THE HELICOPTER. WOMAN LATER MARRIES AVERAGE MAN WHO WEARS GLASSES. THEY HAVE MISSIONARY SEX EVERY YEAR ON AVERAGE MAN'S BIRTHDAY.
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